Mitt Romney Denies Giving Israel ‘Green Light’ to Bomb Iran Joke #1

For the record, Mitt Romney didn’t give Israel the green light to bomb Iran. He merely "outsourced" U.S. foreign policy decision making to them that's all.






Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Blind Chinese Dissident Escapes House Arrest Assisted Only by His White Red-Striped Walking Cane!

Beijing, China –

Operating under the premise that children, the elderly and the handicapped are an invisible segment of our population in today’s modern society, a blind Chinese dissident escaped house arrest yesterday by recording and then looping the tapping sound he makes while walking with his white red-striped cane.

After making a few passes through his house, the visually impaired dissident then turned on the recording of the tapping noise, playing it for his unsuspecting captors.

As the bodyguards went about their daily routine of reading the newspaper, eating lunch and even engaging in light housekeeping, the blind man walked right out the front door to freedom.

“We’re so accustomed to ignoring the physically challenged,” said a clinical psychologist. “And those other two groups…um, that’s funny. Their names momentarily escape me. Any ways, they might as well be invisible, too.”

Apparently the dissident used his second-class social status of invisibility to his advantage, as he successfully escaped house arrest. Made his way down the driveway, walking right pass the armed guards stationed at their posts at the front gate of his home.

Then, once outside the compound, the blind man safely negotiated a pathway through downtown Beijing during the height of rush hour traffic. Which presented a greater danger to his life then his entire years under the watchful eye of the Chinese government.

Traffic cameras showed several close calls and near misses. However, the dissident persisted and emerged unscathed.

Finally reaching the sanctuary of the American embassy, the blind dissident tapped his way right passed the U.S. Marines guarding the embassy.

“We didn’t even know he was here,” said a spokesman for the U.S. envoy.

Not until the Chinese government informed the U.S. embassy of their missing dissident.

A quick search of the embassy grounds by American personnel initially turned up nothing, however.

“Until we checked our security cameras,” said the U.S. envoy spokesman. “And sure enough, there he was in the lobby. Just sitting there. Tapping away with his cane.”

Later, forensic analysis of the tapping determined the dissident was sending out a desperate plea in Morse Code: “WTF is wrong with you people? I want to defect. Can’t you see that? Are you blind or something? Holy [BLEEP] don’t tell me you’re hearing impaired too?”

Moments before embassy security cameras captured the blind man walking back-and-forth in front of the receptionist’s desk, asking to speak with a high ranking official. But he was completely ignored.

“She looked up from her magazine for a second,” explained the U.S. envoy spokesman. “But she didn’t see anything -- Just some blind guy mumbling to himself as he paced the floor.”

By that time, the dissident had tired. So he found a seat and sat down, waiting for the authorities to notice him by tapping out a message with his white red-striped cane.

Although the fate of the dissident is uncertain at this time, as to whether he will be returned to the Chinese government or remain in the protective custody of the U.S., who can say.

It is brinkmanship on the brink as to who will blink first: The Chinese or the Americans.

One thing is certain, however: Like the political stance he has taken, the blind dissident is no longer invisible.

“On the other hand, we’re in a presidential election year,” said an Obama White House official, asking not to be identified. “So either way, we’re screwed.”

No matter what course of action the Obama administration takes, the unidentified Obama official says he can read tomorrow’s GOP newspaper headlines today:

“’Obama’s Failed Foreign Policy Fails to Protect Free Speech in China!’” said the Obama White House official. “Or worse yet, ‘Obama’s Foreign Policy in China Literally Lead by Blind Man!”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy:
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White House Correspondent’s Dinner Turns into a Secret Service Roast

Washington, D.C. –

Last night at the White House corespondent’s dinner before an audience of politicians, celebrities and members of the media, President Obama and late night TV talk show host, Jimmy Kimmel took turns tag teaming each other. As they pulled no punches, taking jabs at the Secret Service for their recent sexual escapades involving Colombian hookers.

That was until a Secret Service agent approached the two.

Removing his dark sunglasses, the young agent politely asked for equal time to address the audience on behalf of his fellow Secret Service agents.

President Obama and Jimmy Kimmel just looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and handed over the mic to the agent.

“This is last minute so,” said the nervous Secret Service agent as he reached into his breast coat pocket. The audience cowered and cringed under their tables, believing the agent was about to pull out his service weapon.

“What?” said the agent, realizing what the audience was reacting to. “Oh…This is nothing to worry about. It’s just my short list of jokes. See?”

The audience let out a sigh of relief and resumed their seats.

“I really don’t have that much marital on me,” continued the agent, waving the sheet of paper in the air.

“Yeah,” yelled out a drunken heckler in the audience. “I bet that’s what she said!”

The audience roared with laughter.

“You’re right,” calmly replied the agent, taking on the heckler. “We deserve that. After all who did we think we were sleeping round with prostitutes, elected officials?!”

President Obama laughed so hard he doubled over, slapping his knee, which earned him a scowl from the fist lady and fellow politicians.

“So we screwed a few Colombian whores,” continued the now confident Secret Service agent. “At least we don’t screw the American public.”

No body in the audience laughed, except for Jimmy Kimmel who slapped a now stiff-necked President Obama on the back.

“Why so serious commander in chief?” Jimmy Kimmel asked the president. “You know --”

“Yes, I know,” said the president, cutting off Kimmel before he could finish his sentence. “It’s funny because it’s true.”

The Secret Service agent then put back on his dark sunglasses and signed off.

“Secret Service is in the House,” said the agent. “The White House, that is.”

The Secret Service agent then dropped the mic to the floor with a thud, causing such a ringing feedback President Obama, Jimmy Kimmel and everybody in the audience had to cover their ears.


Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obama Delivers “Back to the Future” State of the Union Address

Washington, D.C. --

“I will travel through time,” said President Obama as he jumped into a modified DeLorean parked on the congressional floor. “Back to 1950s America. And once there, I will personally bring back the prosperity from that period back to the future. Wait for me here. This shouldn’t take too long.”

As everybody waited for President Obama to return, however, a librarian from the Library of Congress suddenly ran onto the floor, waving a newspaper printed in the 1950s in the air.

“President Obama has been arrested!” shouted the librarian.

As the members of Congress huddled around the librarian, she read the article out loud to them.

Black Man Breaks into Fort Knox

Louisville Kentucky –

A male Negro, approx. 50, was arrested for breaking into Fort Knox today.

“He claimed he was not stealing the gold bars he had placed in his car, but that he was merely transferring funds from the past into the future,” said the arresting officer.

According to police, the man claimed he had the authority to make the so-called “transaction” because he was the President of the United States of American.

Initially authorities paid no attention to the man’s wild assertions, however, when he provided them with proper identification papers and shared intimate knowledge of the White House interior, police placed a call to Washington, D.C.

“We’re still awaiting word from the White House,” said police. “Until then, we’ll continue to hold the suspect in custody.”

Meanwhile, in other news today, President Truman stunned everyone when he unexpectedly reversed himself, recalling his executive order integrating the Negro population among the armed forces.


“What do we do now?” asked a Congressman of the others.

However, before anyone could answer, everybody’s attention was drawn to the sound of a striking gavel.

It was Vice President Biden at the podium.

“Okay, everybody,” said President Biden. “There’s a new sheriff in town.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obamas’ Halloween 2009 Extravaganza Party Joke

The White House press corps was forced today to issue an unofficial response to the Obamas’ Halloween 2009 Alice in Wonderland ‘Tea Party’ extravaganza in comparison to the Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky 1998 affair:

“Close. But no cigar,” they said.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

White House Trick-Or-Treaters Get a Fright Night Flight with a Predator Drone

Washington, D.C. –

Gathered in the Rose Garden, which was temporally converted into a makeshift graveyard with styrofoam grave markers craved with the names of the terrorists taken out by the infamous predator drone, President Obama and the first lady hosted their annual Halloween party just for kids.

With the president dressed up as the Angel of Death and the first lady as a fairy godmother, the two greeted a throng of mummies, witches, monsters and skeletons at the door.

During the Halloween party a mummy walked up to the president and asked him, “Where’s your scythe, Mr. Death?”

Obama lifted up his skeleton facemask and crouched down to talk to the boy face-to-face.

“I’m glad you asked me that kid,” said Obama, reaching into his black cloak pulling out a remote control device. “Oh, here it is.”

“That’s your scythe?” questioned the mummy.

“Yeah, in a way,” said Obama as he fully extended the antenna. “But, um, its been updated.”

Soon a crowd of children gathered around the president as he begun to explain what each of the buttons, knobs, dials and toggles could do.

“But you never,” emphasized Obama. “And I mean never, push this red button unless you are absolutely sure your client is in your crosshairs.”

“What’s ‘client’ mean?” asked a witch.

“Yeah, and what are ‘crosshairs’?” asked a monster.

“Say kids, who wants to see a movie?” asked Obama, knowing it would be faster at answering the kids’ questions. All the kids lifted up their hands in the air.

“I’ll be right back, honey,” Obama yelled out to the first lady. “Come on kids. Follow me to the war room.”

As the children emerged from the war room masks removed, a frigid look was fixed on their faces.

“Well, kids,” said Obama as he led them back to the Halloween party. “What do think of my new scythe now?”

“Is one, one up there nnnow?” stuttered a child, as he pointed out to the night sky.

“Yup,” responded Obama, whipping out the remote control box and extending the antenna. “Wanna see?”

“No!” yelled out the kids as they clung to Death’s robe.

“Please Mr. Death,” pleaded another child. “Don’t call in a predator drone strike here.”

“Why not?” asked Obama from behind his skeleton mask.

“Because, we’re Americans?” answered another child.

“That never stopped me before. Why should it now?” replied Death as he began laughing like a mad man, while pushing buttons, turning knobs and flipping toggles seemingly randomly on the remote control box. Sending the children running for cover, screaming.

“I can hardly wait until I get my Rose Garden back,” said the first lady as she shut off the bathroom light in the bedroom suite on the second floor of the White House.

“I don’t know about that,” said Obama as he looked over at his Angel of Death costume he hung over a chair at the side of his bed, predator drone remote control box on top.

“What do you mean?” said the first lady, while getting into bed.

“I like the way it looks now,” replied Obama. “Did you see the looks on those kids’ faces? That look of panic.”

“It looked more like terror to me,” said the first lady.

“All their little faces peeking out from under the punch bowl table,” sighed Obama. “Looking up to the night sky for my predator drone. Let’s do that again for Thanksgiving. What do you say?”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obama Asks for an “Occupy Wall Street” Style “People’s Mic Check” at a Campaign Fundraising Dinner

Los Angeles, California –

So inspired by the “Occupy Wall Street” movement’s democratic “People’s Mic” way of communicating, by having a group of people repeat what a speaker is saying, because the New York Police Department prohibited the use of bullhorns or electronic public address system in Zuccotti Park. President Barack Obama decided to try it out himself.

After briefly explaining to the posh, well-to-do businessmen and celebrities in attendance at his campaign fundraising gala what the “People Mic” phenomena is all about and how it works, President Obama began his address.

“Mic Check!” said the president, standing at a podium without a microphone attached.

“MIC CHECK!” echoed back the audience (or People’s Mic), with the sole exception of a row of tables way in the back.

Obama again called out, “Mic Check!”

Again everyone in the audience, except for the row of tables in the back, repeated after the president, “MIC CHECK!”

“Now can I get a ‘People’s Mic Check’ just from the folks in the back?” asked an impatient Obama.

Again the president could hear from everyone in the audience, except for the row of tables in the back, as the People’s Mic repeated, “NOW CAN I GET A ‘PEOPLE’S MIC CHECK’ JUST FROM THE FOLKS IN THE BACK?”

“No, no,” said the president, scolding the People’s Mic. “I just want to hear from the people in the back now.”

“NO, NO,” echoed the People’s Mic. “I JUST WANT TO HEAR FROM THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK NOW.”

Obama grimaced at the People’s Mic, giving them the cut it gesture. Rapidly waving his hand across his throat.

Finally, someone from the back row of dinning tables stood up and spoke out.

“Are you addressing us?” asked a man in the back.

“Yeah,” responded the president as he paused a moment to stare down the People’s Mic, making sure it was turned off.

“That’s right,” continued Obama. “You people in the back sitting at the $1,000-a-plate cheep seat section. You’ll have to speak up, because I can hear the $7,500-a- plate section just fine. But not you guys.”

Then a man in the front row stood up and asked Obama, “What about us?”

“WHAT ABOUT US?” the People’s Mic repeated, uncertain if they spoke out of turn.

“Don’t worry,” replied the president, giving a thumbs up to the People’s Mic to be turned back on. “You folks in the $38,500-a-plate section are coming in loud and clear.”

“DON’T WORRY,” echoed the People’s Mic. “YOU FOLKS IN THE $38,500-A-PLATE SECTION ARE COMING IN LOUD AND CLEAR.”


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obama Promises “New Speech” on Jobs in September, Instead of “New Deal” Now!

Washington, D.C. –

President Obama announced today that he is busy working on a new speech about jobs, which he will deliver to the nation this September. “Don’t despair America,” said Obama in a radio address concerning his new speech. “Help is on the way.”

According to a spokesman for the White House, Obama has called together the best speechwriters in the country.

“He is essentially assembling the greatest brain trust of orators this nation has ever heard,” read a statement released by the White House.

The president has even purchased a new rhyming dictionary.

“In fact, he’s gently breaking-in the spine now,” said a presidential aide.

Obama bought the new rhyming dictionary during his “Listing Tour” convoy through the Midwest.

“He insisted that the bus driver pullover to the side of the road when he saw a ‘Going Out of Business’ sign hanging in the window of a Borders bookstore,” continued the aide.

Obama even had the official White House photographer take his picture, documenting the historical purchase.

Standing in front of the ‘Going Out of Business’ sign with the new rhyming dictionary in hand, Obama posed stoically for the black and white Ansel Adams style photograph.

“I want you to take my picture in front of the ‘Going Out of Business – Everything 50% Off!’ sign,” said Obama, talking to the White House photographer. “I want you to capture my commitment to reduce the national debt by saving the tax payer money whenever I can.”

The White House photographer adjusted the leans of his camera and took the picture.

“Did you get it,” asked Obama of the White House photographer.

“Yeah, I got it,” replied the photographer. Then whispering beneath his breath to himself, he added. “But do you?”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
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Obama “BUSTour” Delivers New Campaign Slogan for 2012: Then: “Yes, We Can!” Now: “Yes, You Can”?

Washington, D.C –

While on his “Listing to America” bus tour through the Midwest, President Obama may have inadvertently come up with his 2012 campaign slogan all on his own. When, in a speech, he told Americans that only they, not him, could force the hand of Congress when it comes to creating jobs.

“I can’t force them to do it,” said Obama about creating jobs. “Only you can.”

Obama then went on to say to the audience, “So if you really think about it, the failures of my presidency are not really mine…They are yours.”

A hush came over the crowd.

After pausing a moment, checking the crowd’s reaction, Obama then proceeded to blame Americans for failing to fulfill his 2008 campaign promises as well.

“Why didn’t you do what I promised you, America?” said Obama, as people turned to look at each other somewhat embarrassed.

“What am I going to do with you?” added Obama as people hung their heads in shame. “Well?”

After pausing a few more moments, this time confidently staring down the crowd, as would an angry father his disobedient child, Obama spoke again.

“I’ll tell you what, America,” said Obama. “Not all hope for change is lost. And even though you failed me miserably, I still believe in you.”

Everybody not already on their feet stood up on them, cheering.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” said Obama, wiping his brow. “I guess I must be getting soft in my old age. Or maybe it’s that Nobel Peace Prize I won that finally got to me, but I’m going to give you one more chance, America.”

Obama then lead the throng in a chant -- His new political campaign slogan for 2012:

“YES, WE CAN!” Obama mistakenly yelled out at first. Then pausing a second to correct himself, he continued. “I mean, YES, YOU CAN! YES, YOU CAN! YES, YOU CAN!”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Top 10 Things Obama Can Do to Restore Nation’s AAA Rating with Standard and Poor’s:

10) Overt: By Executive Order, impose a one-time selective “Risk Assessment Agency” Retroactive Tax in the amount of 14 Trillion dollars.

9) Overt: Call in a Not So Surgical Air Strike on S and P's headquarters, using Smart Bombs, Tomahawk Cruise missiles and Predator drones.

8) Special Ops: Send in SEAL Team Six – Then take the captured S and P executives out for a long walk on the short deck of an aircraft carrier.

7) Black Ops: Grant a Presidential Pardon to members of “Anonymous,” IF they hack into S and P and change the nation’s credit rating back to AAA.

6) Covert: Start rumors via diplomatic cables that S and P is financially insolvent. Then transmit those diplomatic cables over a secured line for WikiLeaks to pick up and publish them on the World Wide Web.

5) Overt: Let loose the monster from that Cloverfeild movie onto Manhattan. Then coat the S and P building with “Love Potion #9”. But not before blocking off the Lincoln Tunnel and injecting the space creature with the nation’s entire supply of Viagra.

4) Overt: Invite the S and P board of directors over to the White House for a "Beer and Caviar Summit".

3) Overt: Open up Fort Knox and Call the “Cash For Gold” people.

2) Covert: Stop receiving daily briefings on the economy, and go off on vacation just like Congress.

1) Overt: Make another speech with the same old stale talking points and boring platitudes, exposing your inexperience as a statesman and lack of leadership as a world leader...Or buy a new rhyming dictionary!

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Debt Ceiling Crisis Leaves Obama Smoking, Again

Washington, D.C. –

On a personal note, the debt-ceiling crisis has taken its toll on the health of the president lately, as he has taken up smoking again. It is reported that the First Lady, Michelle Obama, was the first to notice her husband’s relapse into his old nicotine habit, one which he had worked so hard to kick since he took office.

“I knew he went back to smoking,” said the First Lady. “He’d makeup some dumb excuse. Go outside, saying he needed some fresh air.”

Later, the First Lady picked out cigarette butts from her bed of flowers in the Rose Garden.

“At first, I don’t say anything to him,” said the First Lady. “Believing it’s really not my place. I mean so long as he doesn’t do it in front of the children, right?”

However, the First Lady expressed concerned that the president’s smoking was getting in the way of his job.

“He use to say smoking helped him relax, cleared his mind. So he could focus on the task at hand,” said the First Lady. “But I doubt that’s the case anymore.”

So the First Lady decided to confront the president with a handful of cigarette butts she found in the Rose Garden.

Only their meeting in the Oval Office was interrupted by a phone call from Speaker of the House Representatives, John Boehner.

“Honey,” said a confident and assertive First Lady. “I know you’re really busy with our nation on the verge of failing to meet it’s financial obligations for the first time ever, but I found these cigarette butts in the Rose Garden the other day. Now I understand you’re under tremendous pressure, but if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re using this debt ceiling crisis as some kind of smokescreen. Just so you can pick up smoking again.”

Just then John Boehner called, the president placing him on the speakerphone.

“Mr. President,” said a weeping John Boehner on the other end of the line. “For the love of God, please okay raising the debt ceiling. I don’t understand, we gave you everything you wanted weeks ago.”

After hearing John Boehner’s plea over the speakerphone, the First Lady looked down at the cigarette butts in her hand and then backup at the president with her mouth wide open.

From behind his desk, the president calmly reached into coat pocket, pulled out a cigarette and lit it up.

“I beg you, Mr. President,” continued pleading John Boehner. “There’s very little time left. Approve raising the debt ceiling and put an end to this godforsaken crisis.”

“Are we clear?” said the president to the First Lady as he drew on the cigarette, its glow lighting up his face.

The First Lady just nodded her head as she slowly backed out of the Oval Office, placing the cigarette butts in her skirt pocket.

John Boehner, still weeping over the speakerphone.

“Mr. President…” sobbed John Boehner. “Mr. President…”


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obama Adjusts 2011 NCAA Bracket to Favor East Coast Teams Due to Pending West Coast Nuclear Contamination

Washington, D.C. --

After getting off the phone with the Prime Minister of Japan, Naoto Kan, President Barack Obama immediately called up ESPN advising them that he was adjusting his bracket for the 2011 March Madness NCAA Tournament. Citing shifting weather patterns over the Pacific Ocean, hastening the approaching nuclear death plume off the West Coast headed inland, the president begged ESPN for another interview, but they denied him.

"Listen to me. This is very serious," Obama pleaded on the phone with ESPN. "You can’t hold me responsible for yesterday’s hoop picks. I had no idea how grave the situation was for the West Coast teams."

The President argued that given how West Coast teams rely so heavily on their slam-dunks, he did not think any of the players would be able to win. Let alone survive the impending radioactive death plume.

"Hang time could be a death sentence," said an emotional Obama, as he fell to his knees in the Oval Office.

However, ESPN refused to reconsider the president's request and said his bracket stands as is.

"If Obama wants to change his predictions, he'll have to take it up in an address to the nation," said a spokesman for ESPN.

ESPN also cited that their coverage of all sporting events had been preempted to carry live coverage of the nuclear disaster in Japan and the tracking of the nuclear death plume headed for the United States.

"We maybe sport journalist," said a spokesman for ESPN. "But we're journalists first."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Sen. Sanders’ Filibuster to Obama: Put the Kitchen Sink Back!

Washington, D.C. --

By Robert W. Armijo

Outgoing Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D) and Senator Bernie Sanders (I) took a stand against President Obama today by giving him a shellacking democrat style. 

They took exception when they discovered he made a deal with Republicans to extend the George W. Bush tax cut extensions by two more years. 

A deal that included giving away the White House kitchen sink as well.

Which was the straw that broke the camel’s back, enraging Democrats, provoking them into action.

“Not the kitchen sink too!” said a spokesman for House Democrats.

While Senator Bernie Sanders held the senate floor with a good old filibuster, Nancy Pelsoi headed straight for the White House with a carload of House Democrats.

“Let’s roll, boys,” said Pelosi.

As Nancy Pelosi and company pulled up at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, a “99'rs, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, Estate Tax and continued Bush W. Tax Cut Extensions for All Americans” moving truck was parked in front of the White House, its loading ramp already down.

President Obama himself with his sleeves rolled up was helping the moving men carrying the kitchen sink out of the White House out to the moving truck. Vice President Joe Biden standing off to the side drinking a beer, directing Obama and the moving men.

Nancy Pelosi and her boys jumped out of their car and immediately began blocking the loading ramp, their arms interlocked.

“We had to put the kitchen sink back for now,” said one of the moving men who was backing out of the White House carrying the kitchen sink when he bumped into Nancy Pelosi.

“We can’t let a deal this bad go through,” said Senator Bernie Sanders on the Senate floor, continuing with his historic filibuster.

“The White House and everything in it belongs to the people. It is after all the people’s house not his [Obama's]. He’s just a tenant. We the people are the landlords. Landlords of the shining house on the hill that is quickly turning into a tenement. So President Obama, I ask you, on behalf of the American people, who voted for hope and change…Put the kitchen sink back!”

“I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” said Janice Walker, 89, a homeless woman who lives across the street from the White House, while she stood in front of her shopping cart, filled with everything she owns. 

“They’ve been moving furniture out of there ever since they moved in two years ago," said Walker. "Last week it was a Zenith console TV set. You know, they don’t make those in America anymore…TV sets, I mean.”

Walker then pulled back a gray weathered Mexican blanket covering her shopping cart, revealing a Zenith console TV set hidden underneath.

“I got the last one, see?” said Walker smiling a toothless smile. “Now all I need is a new American dream to plug it into.”

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obama Tries Building “A Coalition of the Willing” of His Own

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Washington, D.C. --

After two years of disappointing his base of Liberals, Progressives, Independents, some elderly and especially young voters, President Barack Obama announced today, after a failed rally attempt held at an undisclosed stadium at a college back east for a taped political TV commercial to be aired at a later date, that he is building “A Coalition of the Willing” of his own to save what is left of his super majority in both Houses of Congress, come this November’s midterm elections.

“Listen,” said Obama, while addressing a dwindling crowd of mostly youthful supporters. “Not too long ago you people were fainting at my rallies. Now, now you hardly swoon. What’s up with that?”

“In the not too distant past, those people would have broken out into laughter,” later noted an Obama’s staff member. “Now, not even a smile was seen on a single face in the crowd.”

As a somber and awkward silence seized the audience, a heckler spoke up to respond to the President, who once promised he would bring hope and change to the nation.

“What’s up with breaking your campaign promise not to sign a healthcare bill that didn’t have a public option?” the heckler answered the President's rhetorical question. “Let’s start with that!”

The crowd cheered the heckler.

“Look America,” replied Obama as he walked away from his podium and prepared speech on his teleprompter, rolling up his sleeves as he walked across the stage. “I never promised you a rose garden. And I know this may shock some of you out there, but I can’t walk on water, either.”

The crowd broke out into laughter, Obama smiled.

“Now what do you say, America,” continued Obama satisfied he regenerated the faithful as he walked back up to his podium and teleprompter. “What about we start over? And you help me build what I call ‘A Coalition of the Willing’ to restore hope and change to Washington?”

The crowd fell silent once more.

“Now you maybe asking yourself what’s this ‘Coalition of the Willing’ all about?” said Obama as he clearly began reading off his teleprompter again. Not noticing that his audience fell silent once again. “Well, you can breathe a sigh of relief; I’m not going to send you to invade a country. Not like, like that other guy.”

Obama paused and looked out to the crowd from behind his podium and teleprompter, waiting for them to react with laughter. But no one laughed. In fact, people resumed leaving the rally, quietly shuffling out in droves; heads hung low as before. 

Looking puzzled, Obama signaled to someone in his entourage to roll back his speech on the teleprompter.

“I said…,” Obama spoke picking up where he left off as he reread his speech from the teleprompter again, but this time with more emphasis on the punch line. “Well, you can breathe a sigh of relief; I’m not going to send you to invade a country. Not like, like that other guy -- The other guy, get it? Come on, people. That’s funny.”

“Not as funny as your administration,” yelled out the heckler as the crowd continued their exodus.

“Do you really want the other guy back?” said Obama, departing from his prepared speech as he nervously looked out at the people continuing to leave the rally. “Because that’s what is going to happen if you don’t vote for the Democrats in November. It’s either me or the other guy. It’s your choice. It’s that simple.”

The people did not respond to Obama’s threat. And soon all left the rally. Except for one man, the heckler, who sat up front.

“What are you still hanging around here for?” asked Obama, acknowledging the heckler.

"I don’t know,” replied the heckler. “New material?”



Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

SNL’s Amy Carter Skit Criticized for Setting Controversial Precedent (i.e. Fast Forward: ‘Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?’)

New York, New York --

Saturday Night Live (SNL) has fallen under heavy criticism for its ‘Amy Carter Goes to Public School’ skit, which has been characterized by critics as insensitive, inappropriate, if not disrespectful, and should have never been aired.

“We’re talking about the President’s daughter here,” said one displeased SNL viewer calling into 30 Rockefeller Plaza to complain along with thousands of others. “She’s just a child. And no child deserves be used as either the butt or punch line of someone’s joke. No matter how much of a public figure the child’s father is.”

NBC says it never received so many complaints from their viewing audience before.

“Not since we took ‘Star Trek’ off the air nearly ten years ago,” said one concerned NBC executive.

“President Carter’s decision to send his daughter to a public school guarded by the Secret Service was the inspiration behind the comedy sketch,” explained an NBC spokesman. “His critics contend that it was an unjustified expense of taxpayers’ dollars and an intrusion into Amy Carter’s life as well as that of her classmates.”

In the comedy skit drawing all the fire, Amy Carter (Laraine Newman) is accompanied by two daunting Secret Service Agents (Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd) wearing dark suits, eyeshades and hidden walkie-talkie earpieces, standing at both sides of her desk in a classroom filled with other children after her father, President Jimmy Carter, insists that she attend public school instead of a private one.

Outraged by the complaints received for the skit, a protective Lorne Michaels, the executive producer of the late night scripted comedy TV show, vowed he would not allow anybody to intimidate his SNL writers.

“That’s my job,” said Lorne Michaels.

NBC’s legal department confirmed the controversial skit had been cleared for airing through its censor in advance, all according to policy and without incident.

“That should be enough, man,” said a SNL writer who collaborated on the creative work. “Beside, who knows, maybe one day there will be a Blackman in the White House who has kids. Can you dig that? And not placing an antic disposition on them like we did with little Amy Carter would be hypocritical, man.”

“If that day ever comes, I don’t mind risk having to place my SNL writers in the awkward position of being misperceived as racists,” said Lorne Michaels. “Better them than me.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

‘Schoolhouse Rock!’ Releases New Video Explaining to Kids Why Democrats Can’t Pass Poor Old ‘I’m Just a Bill’ Who Sits Up There Still On Capitol Hill

Washington, D.C. --

Hey kids, remember ‘I’m Just a Bill’? That cute adorable rolled up talking piece of unsigned legislative parchment from those two-minute animated ‘Schoolhouse Rock!’ short features that aired in-between Saturday morning cartoons on ABC in the early 1970s to the early 1980s that educated you on subjects of grammar, science, economic, history, mathematics and civics better than your teachers ever did? Well he’s back! But this time he is no longer melancholy. Nope. He’s pissed off!

“Hi kids!” says ‘I’m Just a Bill’ in the opening scene of the new ‘School House Rock!’ video as he sits on the steps of Congress as Congressman and women pass him by, ignoring him. “Yup I’m still here. After all these years, right where you left me last. Still waiting to be signed so healthcare reform can finally become the law of the land, providing Americans with health insurance, even a public option like Obama promised in his campaign and again on ‘YouTube’ after he was elected. Yeah, I know, it’s hard to believe that I know about ‘YouTube’ I’m so old. But not too old that I haven’t finally seen the light and mended my arrant ways.”

Dog-eared parchment turning yellow with his patriotic red, white and blue ribbon tied around his waist anchored by his name tag ‘Bill’ faded, ‘I’m Just a Bill’ that sits on Capitol Hill not only looked his age, but the consequences of years of healthcare neglect as he attempted to mask his ocular disease behind dark shaded sunglasses, but his white cane with a red stripe on the bottom tip of it betrays him.

“I bet y’all are grown up now and with kids of your own too,” continued ‘I’m Just a Bill’ as he struggled to rise to his feet using his cane to assist him. “Oh, I don’t need any of your help now. You see this cane here is not for tapping the sidewalk but for helping me get up. I got it back when Medicare was still paying for ‘tings that old folks like me needed. See, I was a Socialist back then and didn’t know any better. But now I do. In fact, I’m going to throw away these symbols of oppression that robs me of my independence and dignity. Right here and now.”

Slowly a crowd of Republican and Blue Dog Democrats Senators and Congressman stopped and gathered in a circle around ‘I’m Just a Bill’ to listen to his sidewalk sermon of conservative conversion to fiscal responsibility.

“In fact, I don’t need these taxpayer subsidized subscription eyeglass neither,” said ‘I’m Just a Bill’ on a roll, as took off his eyeshades, throwing them to the ground alongside his white red striped cane. The crowd of conservatives let out a cheer. But then quickly recoiled in horror at the sight of the thick foggy gray cataract membrane that coated ‘I’m Just a Bill’s’ eyes. “Yeah, I knows I’m not a pretty sight to look at, but I’m a free man.”

The crowd of Republicans and Blue Dog Democrats applauded.

“See, I’ve changed,” said ‘I’m just a Bill’ with his arms wide-open, expecting to be embraced by the compassionate conservatives. “Now will you sign my forehead, making me into a law?”

The crowd of Republicans and Blue Dog Democrats looked around among themselves as if silently debating their individual conscience. They were about to give their answer when they all received a text message alert warning them that ‘I’m Just a Bill’ was a suspected lobbyist working for the people. Then looking up from their BlackBerries, cell phones and pagers shouted out in unison: “No!”

“God damn it!” said ‘I’m Just a Bill’ in his frustration. “Sorry kids, and not about my French neither. I’m sorry you and your children aren’t getting any healthcare or healthcare reform from your dully-elected representatives you deserve. Maybe next time when the Democrats are in the White House again and control both Houses of Congress with a filibuster proof supermajority.”

‘I’m Just a Bill’ then returned to occupying the steps of Congress, his portion of marble where he sat polished with wear.

“For I’m Just a Healthcare Bill,” ‘I’m Just a Bill’ resumed signing to himself as members of Congress shuffled by him again oblivious to his existence, purpose and urgent need. “Stuck up here on Capitol Hill.”


Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

State of the Union Address Delayed Due to Teleprompter Upgrade!

Washington, D.C. --

Sitting in the Oval Office, just hours before his first State of the Union address and after losing his filibuster proof majority in both houses, waiting impatiently for the return of his teleprompter that his foulmouthed chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, sent out for an upgrade days earlier, President Barack Obama checks his wristwatch for what seemed the hundredth time, before rising to his feet and walking over to the intercom on his desk.

“Rahm, is it back yet?” asked Obama, leaning over to speak into the intercom.

“Not [BLEEP] yet Mr. President,” Rahm Emanuel replied back over the intercom as he waited across the way at the service entrance of the White House for the deliveryman to arrive. “But I’ll call you as soon as the [BLEEP] comes in.”

“Don’t call me damn it!” said Obama with a raised voice. Pausing a moment before continuing, he managed to regain his composure, calming himself down by taking in a few deep breaths. “Just bring it to me as soon as it gets here.”

“Yes, Mr. President,” replied Rahm Emanuel without hesitation. “I’ll [BLEEP] you when I [BLEEP] got the [BLEEP] thing.”

Obama then began to pace the room with his hands behind his back.

Lost in a dreamlike state, Obama pauses by a shelf, staring at some photographs of him taken with the teleprompter in the early days of his presidency. Picking one up, he closes his eyes, clutches it to his chest and begins to sway his body as he slowly begins to dance around the Oval Office to the beat of his own pounding heart.

“Oh where did we go wrong?” said Obama to the photograph of the teleprompter he held cradled in his arms as he spun about the room. Now humming a well. “We had them eating out of our hands back then. I had a full metal jacket. I had a filibuster proof majority in both houses. I was ‘Iron Man’. No one could touch me. Except for those damn Republicans…I mean blue dogs.”

Suddenly Rahm Emanuel busted into the Oval Office with the teleprompter towed in on a dolly.

“Mr. President! Mr. President!” excitedly said the chief of staff, oblivious to Obama dancing in the room by himself, embracing a photograph in his arms. “It’s here! It’s here! The [BLEEP] teleprompter is [BLEEP] here!”

“Leave us alone. Will you, Rahm?” said a refocused Obama, almost beneath his breath, staring intently at the veiled teleprompter from across the room as he turned down the lights and popped in a music CD. “Oh. And you better cancel my appointments with Kim Jong-il, Ahmadinejad and that Area 51 reverse engineering progress report debriefing this afternoon as well. I’m going to need a couple of hours without any distractions.”

“Okay. [BLEEP] me,” said the chief of staff as he exited the Oval Office, being sure to hang a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the outer doorknob on his way out.

“Oh, baby, baby,” said Obama with a Barry White CD playing in the background as he slowly lifted up the veil covering the teleprompter. “It’s magic time…again.”


Copyright Ó 2008-2020 by Robert W. Armijo

President Barack Obama’s ‘Shovel-Ready’ Economy Finally Getting Busy…Digging ‘U.S.’ Out from His Bull --

Washington, D.C. --

The White House confirmed that Obama’s stimulus package is working, citing a round the clock team of ‘shove-ready’ men the president has on standby 24 hours, 7 days a week to clean up after him whenever he makes one of his emotionally charged purple prose political do nothing speeches.

“There’s so much of it in just one of his speeches,” said a member of the ‘shovel-ready’ cleanup crew. “I have to wear hip boots just to wade through it so I can get close enough to clean it up.”

In fact, White House staff members have begun wearing hip boots as well.

“The president often paces up and down the hallways of the White House while practicing his speeches,” explains a White House staff member. “So he tends to leave a trail of his bull [BLEEP] behind him. We try not to step in it, but sometimes it’s unavoidable so the hip boots really help.”

So popular are the hip boots at the White House that they have become a fashion tread of sorts among the staff.

“Oh yeah,” confirmed another White House staff member. “Hip boots are quite trendy in the Obama White House. But really they’re a common sense combination of function and form.”

Reportedly, Obama even has several pairs on hand for visiting foreign dignitaries to wear, so they can feel like they fit right in.

“Of course, we don’t have to worry about visiting members of Congress,” said the White House Press Secretary. “They have their own. Only you could never tell because they wear them under their suits. We don’t, because Obama wants his administration to be transparent.”

“Good thing I didn’t throw mine away from the last administration,” said a member of the press core.

“I had to buy a new pair,” said another reporter. “Because I actually believed his change campaign promise.”

Ironically, all this purchasing of hip boots is helping to grow the economy, stimulating American manufacturing in a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of way.

“If Obama keeps dishing it out at this rate,” said an economist. “He could single-handedly pull the country out of a recession as the nation reaches for their pair of hip boots every time he speaks.”

“At least that’s what I’ll be telling the president this afternoon. So I hope he’s wearing his pair,” said an Obama adviser, pausing a moment while slipping on his own pair of hip boots reading for the first time the manufacturing label attached. “Made in China’. Huh, I wonder what that could mean?”

“Excuse me Mr. President,” said Obama’s personal secretary over the intercom. “The cleaning crew is here.”

“What? Already? I just started practicing my speech,” replied the president.


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Items Missing from The White House, says First Lady, Michelle Obama

Washington, D.C. --

Along with mini bars of soap, facial towels and silverware embossed with the Presidential Seal gone missing from the White House, Michelle Obama reported to the Secret Service today that she discovered the mattress from the Lincoln Bedroom is missing as well.

“Secret Services searched every part of the White House looking for the missing mattress from the Lincoln bedroom,” said a White House official. “But so far it has yet to be recovered. Needless to say, you can only imaging the, um, historical significance it represents to the First Lady.”

The White House went on to say that they did not want to point fingers, but the last ones seen in the vicinity of the Lincoln bedroom were the Salahis, though at a loss of words as to how they smuggled out the twin-size mattress without the hundreds of guests and security noticing.

“One of them must have strapped it to their back,” said the White House.

However, since so many lobbyists were in attendance at Obama’s first state dinner, the Salahis must have been mistaken as one of them and allowed to slip out without question.

In the meanwhile, President Obama has formed a special task force to search and find the missing Lincoln mattress. Until then, however, it is rumored that the First Lady has ordered him to sleep down stairs on the couch until it is safely returned.

“Listen,” reportedly said the president to the special task force over the phone. “Michelle and I need that mattress back. I can’t tell you the reason why. But let’s just say, the fate of the free world maybe riding on it.”

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Tom Turkey Refuses Obama’s Presidential Pardon; Demands Execution Instead

Washington, D.C. --

Braking with tradition today, Tom Turkey refused the annual Presidential pardon and demanded to be executed instead. Leaving White House officials scratching their heads as to what to do next.

“We’ve never had a turkey refuse a presidential pardon before,” hesitantly said a spokesman for the White House. “We…um, we never executed a turkey before, either.”

As President Obama called his advisers into the West Wing to discuss the matter, leaving Tom Turkey in the custody of the of his children out in the rose garden, former vice president, Dick Cheney called the White House.

“What the hell are you guys doing over!” said Mr. Cheney over the speakerphone. “These birds don’t want to be pardoned. They've been radicalized. They want to be martyrs. Just take an axe and lop that bird’s head off. …Or do you need me to do it?”

No response came from anyone in the West Wing as Obama had the back of his chair to his advisors and he stared out the window watching his daughters playing with the turkey.

Finally one of the president’s advisors stood up, walked over to the president and whispered into his ear.

“Better to do it now,” whispered the advisor. “Before they get too attached to the bird.”

The President nodded in agreement.

“Okay, Mr. Cheney,” said the advisor. “You win.”

“Good,” replied Mr. Cheney. “Have the bird ready out back. I’ll be by within the hour. I got to pickup a camera on the way to record this for Sarah Palin. She’s really into this sort of stuff.”



Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo