Showing posts with label Barack Obama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Barack Obama. Show all posts

Presidential Election 2012 Riddle #2

Q: Who rules like a Liberal but runs like a Conservative?

A: Mitt Romney!

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Presidential Election 2012 Riddle #1

Q: Who runs like a Liberal but rules like a Conservative?

A: Barack Obama!

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obama Tries Building “A Coalition of the Willing” of His Own

Washington, D.C. --

After two years of disappointing his base of Liberals, Progressives, Independents, some elderly and especially young voters, President Barack Obama announced today, after a failed rally attempt held at an undisclosed stadium at a college back east for a taped political TV commercial to be aired at a later date, that he is building “A Coalition of the Willing” of his own to save what is left of his super majority in both Houses of Congress, come this November’s midterm elections.

“Listen,” said Obama, while addressing a dwindling crowd of mostly youthful supporters. “Not too long ago you people were fainting at my rallies. Now, now you hardly swoon. What’s up with that?”

“In the not too distant past, those people would have broken out into laughter,” later noted an Obama’s staff member. “Now, not even a smile was seen on a single face in the crowd.”

As a somber and awkward silence seized the audience, a heckler spoke up to respond to the President, who once promised he would bring hope and change to the nation.

“What’s up with breaking your campaign promise not to sign a healthcare bill that didn’t have a public option?” the heckler answered the President's rhetorical question. “Let’s start with that!”

The crowd cheered the heckler.

“Look America,” replied Obama as he walked away from his podium and prepared speech on his teleprompter, rolling up his sleeves as he walked across the stage. “I never promised you a rose garden. And I know this may shock some of you out there, but I can’t walk on water, either.”

The crowd broke out into laughter, Obama smiled.

“Now what do you say, America,” continued Obama satisfied he regenerated the faithful as he walked back up to his podium and teleprompter. “What about we start over? And you help me build what I call ‘A Coalition of the Willing’ to restore hope and change to Washington?”

The crowd fell silent once more.

“Now you maybe asking yourself what’s this ‘Coalition of the Willing’ all about?” said Obama as he clearly began reading off his teleprompter again. Not noticing that his audience fell silent once again. “Well, you can breathe a sigh of relief; I’m not going to send you to invade a country. Not like, like that other guy.”

Obama paused and looked out to the crowd from behind his podium and teleprompter, waiting for them to react with laughter. But no one laughed. In fact, people resumed leaving the rally, quietly shuffling out in droves; heads hung low as before. 

Looking puzzled, Obama signaled to someone in his entourage to roll back his speech on the teleprompter.

“I said…,” Obama spoke picking up where he left off as he reread his speech from the teleprompter again, but this time with more emphasis on the punch line. “Well, you can breathe a sigh of relief; I’m not going to send you to invade a country. Not like, like that other guy -- The other guy, get it? Come on, people. That’s funny.”

“Not as funny as your administration,” yelled out the heckler as the crowd continued their exodus.

“Do you really want the other guy back?” said Obama, departing from his prepared speech as he nervously looked out at the people continuing to leave the rally. “Because that’s what is going to happen if you don’t vote for the Democrats in November. It’s either me or the other guy. It’s your choice. It’s that simple.”

The people did not respond to Obama’s threat. And soon all left the rally. Except for one man, the heckler, who sat up front.

“What are you still hanging around here for?” asked Obama, acknowledging the heckler.

"I don’t know,” replied the heckler. “New material?”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

White House to Install Nuclear Power Plant Rooftop

Washington, D.C. --

Like President Jimmy Carter, who used the of the office of the presidency as a bully pulpit to demonstrate to the nation his comment to America becoming energy self-sufficient in the 1970s by installing solar panels on the roof of his then residence, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, President Barack Obama has announced he is installing a nuclear power plant up on the White House rooftop to prove how safe nuclear energy is to Americans.

“President Obama realizes that it would be easier to just reinstall the old solar panels that President Ronald Reagan had removed after President Jimmy Carter lost the 1980 election,” said a spokesman for the White House. “However, Obama feels that he has an obligation as the first family to show the nation that nuclear power is just as green as solar power. In fact, it’s greener.”

“I’m not so sure about moving my garden up on the roof,” said the First Lady as she lay in bed next to the president reviewing the blue prints for the nuclear power plant and her new greenhouse garden. “Especially next to a --”

“Now, now Michelle,” interrupted Obama, putting down a book he was reading. “How many times do I have to tell you? Nuclear power is completely safe. Besides, now on cloudy days your plants will get all the radiation they need. Only, not from sunbeams that have to be imported from halfway across the solar system but from the splitting of atoms, domestically generated just feet above our heads. I know what I’m doing. I’ve done my research. Okay?”

“Okay,” said the First Lady as she rolled up the blue prints, laying them aside. Ignoring the biohazard warning on them. “You do have a way with words.”

“That’s why I’m the President,” said Obama with a smile as he picked up his book ‘How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying’, tuning to the page where he left off reading. “Now, please. Let me get back to my research so I can be ready for tomorrow’s economic summit.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Sarah Palin’s ‘Tea Party’ Address Causes Quite a Stir at the White House

Washington, D.C. --

“Now I really want you to look at these computer enhanced images of what your body will look like come 2012,” said President Barack Obama to ‘Obama Girl’ who helped sway the electorate, winning his 2008 presidential election for him and who now sat in the Oval Office with other members of his Cabinet and chief of staff, going over campaign strategies to defeat Sarah Palin in 2012.

“Notice how you’re projected to put on a little weight?” continued Obama speaking to ‘Obama Girl’ as the Surgeon General nodded his head in agreement. “Now it’s not so much that the Surgeon General here is raising any red flags, calling it a health concern. As much as you continuing to look so great as you do in a bikini. So I’ve taken the liberty to ensure that happens.”

Obama then called in a personal trainer into the room, introducing him to ‘Obama Girl’ who was busy stuffing her face with chocolate chip cookies at the time.

“Sven,” said Obama with a smile on his face as he rose to his feet zipping up his jogger’s jacket with the Presidential Seal embroidered on it. “How are you old buddy? Hope the windy city is treating you well. Say, I’d like you to meet ‘Obama Girl’. She’s been a faithful and most useful member of Team Obama. But now, as you can see by the computer projections, she won’t do me much good in the years to come if she doesn’t get control of her diet. What do you recommend?”

“The pain!” replied Sven in broken English as he flexed his bulky arm muscles so that it caused the veins in his neck and forehead to bulge, flooding with blood.

‘Obama Girl’ started gagging and choking on her chocolate chip cookies in response.

Sven, mistaking ‘Obama Girl’ for having need of the Heimlich maneuver, lifted her up from out of her chair and while positioned behind her, began squeezing her like a tube of toothpaste until she fell to the floor unconscious.

“Oh no,” yelled out Sven with his hands on his cheeks. “Not again!”

“There goes my reelection,” said Obama throwing his face into his folded arms on his desk.

“Is she dead?” asked Sven to the Surgeon General who was checking ‘Obama Girl’ for a pulse.

“No,” replied the Surgeon General. “In fact, she’s coming to.”

“Thank God!” said Obama jumping to his feet, throwing Karate punches in the air. “I’m back in business!”

“What do we tell her happened to her?” asked a concerned Sven, kneeling on one knee gently stroking ‘Obama Girl’s’ cheek.

“I know,” said Obama snapping his fingers. “Lets just put her back in her chair and pretend like nothing happened.”

“You mean like in that ‘I Love Lucy’ episode?” jokingly asked the Surgeon General.

“Yeah,” said Obama, nodding to Sven.

Sven then lifted up ‘Obama Girl’, returning her to her seat, arranging her body to the position it was in before. Even placing a chocolate chip cookie in her mouth.

As ‘Obama Girl’ regained consciousness, Sven was unable to look ‘Obama Girl’ in the eyes and looked nervously around room instead. Not knowing what to do next, he resumed his posing, causing ‘Obama Girl’ to gag and choke on the chocolate chip cookie in her mouth.

Sven instinctively rushed in plucking ‘Obama Girl’ out of her chair, performing the Heimlich maneuver on her.

“Oh no,” cried out Obama throwing his arms up in the air. “Not again!”

Sure enough ‘Obama Girl’ fell to the floor unconscious again.

“Is she alive?” Sven asked the Surgeon General who was checking ‘Obama Girl’ for a pulse again.

“Just barely,” the Surgeon General said. “In fact, without an immediate –”

“Wait!” interrupted Obama, throwing his hand out in the air.

“You got another idea?” sarcastically remarked the Surgeon General.

“Yeah,” said Obama as he paced the Oval Office. “I saw this movie once about a bachelor party where the prostitute they hire dies on them.”

“Oh no,” said Sven, shaking his head. “Not again.”

“Now, now, Sven,” said Obama patting Sven on his back. “Remember?”

“Yes, I remember,” said a resigned Sven, picking up the still unconscious ‘Obama Girl’ from the floor. “What happens in Chicago stays in Chicago.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

White House Unleashes ‘Obama Girl’ to Regenerate the Faithful?

Washington, D.C. --

In the first of what could become a series of last ditch efforts to rehabilitate his tarnished image as a liberal and progressive after losing Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat and his party’s filibuster proof (though still possessing a so-called supermajority in the house) to Republican, Scott Brown, President Barack reluctantly decided it is time once more for ‘Obama Girl’ to work her magic, regenerating the faithful.

“Are you sure there is no other way,” said President Barack Obama as he sat in the Oval Office behind his desk. His back turned to his chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel and company as he stared at his own reflection, which shined back at him off the surface of the windowpane, D.C. city lights twinkling like stars in the dark outside in the distance.

“No. Mr. President,” replied the president’s chief of staff as he motioned with his hand for a Naval officer with a black attaché case handcuffed to wrist to step forward. “There’s no other way.”

Removing a metallic blue key that hung from his neck by a silver chain, Obama turned his chair around to face the locked black attaché case lying on his desk.

Obama looked up at his chief of staff, who while shaking his head no, mouthed with his lips in utter silence: “There’s no other way.”

A now decisive Obama with a quick turn of his metallic blue key opened the black attaché case. Reaching inside, he removed a red plastic coated keycard and without hesitation broke it in half, pulling out a piece of paper from inside.

Written on it were a seemingly random sequence of letters and numbers.

As another Naval officer handed the president the red crisis line phone, Obama paused a moment to look over at Rahm Emanuel once more. Again, his chief of staff mouthed to him the words, “There’s no other way.”

“NORAD?” said an assertive Obama. “This is your president speaking. Be advised I am ordering you to release agent code name, ‘V’ –”

“-- That’s ‘V’ as in Valkyrie,” said the chief of staff, pulling away the red phone away from Obama’s ear. “Execute emergency shadow government executive order code name ‘Valkyrie’.”

“That’s not what I meant,” said Obama, taking back the red phone from Rahm Emanuel before correcting himself. “I meant ‘V’ as in ‘V for Vendetta…No. Wait. That’s not what I meant, either. I meant ‘Obama Girl’.”

“Sir?’ came a shaky reply from the voice of a young inexperienced officer on the other end of the red phone.

“You heard me!” yelled out Obama, attempting to exude confidence by raising his voice. “That’s an order! Confirmation code is as follows: Echo, Charlie, Whiskey, Bravo, 1,0,1. Now release ‘Obama Girl’. You got that solider?”

“Yes sir! Echo, Charlie, Whiskey, Bravo, 1,0,1,” repeated the voice over the red phone. “Immediately, sir!”

Afterwards, Obama just sat there with the red phone at his ear long after the dial tone and recorded operator message played into his ear, as his chief of staff cleared everyone out of the room.

“Now it’s time to activate the signal, Mr. President,” said Rahm Emanuel as he slowly removed the red phone from the president’s ear, placing it back on its receiver.

“Already?” said Obama shaken out of his daze like state as he looked around the empty Oval Office. “Hey. where did everybody go?”

“You did the right thing, Mr. President,” said a reassuring chief of staff as he guided Obama’s hand to the upper drawer of the desk. “Now you have to activate the signal.”

A still seemingly dazed president attempted to resist, wrestling Rahm Emanuel to the ground, but his chief of staff easily overpowered him.

“Now, now, Mr. President,” said Rahm Emanuel as he cradled and rocked Obama in his arms, stroking his head. “You knew one day it might come down to this. Now activate the signal.”

Too weak to walk on his own strength, Obama was carried in the arms of Rahm Emanuel back to his presidential chair. Obama reached under his desk, pushed on an unseen panel and out slid open a hidden drawer with a flashing red button in it. Slowly the president reached out to push it, but he froze.

“Here. I’ll do it,” said the emboldened chief of staff but even he paused, hesitating a moment before finally pushing it. “There…. See, nothing to it.”

“My God,” said Obama with his chief of staff standing at his side looking out the window of the Oval Office at the signal spotlight that shined over Capitol Hill reflecting the silhouette of the ‘Obama Girl’ off the clouds in the night sky. “What have we done?”

“I am Shiva,” answered Rahm Emanuel paraphrasing Robert J. Oppenheimer director of the ‘Manhattan Project’ quoting ancient holy Hindu text when he witnessed the explosion of the first atomic bomb, lighting up the skies of New Mexico with a power thousands of times hotter than that of the surface of the Sun. “The destroyer of worlds.”

“How long…how long do you think we got?” asked Obama recognizing the same quiver in his voice that belonging to the young officer he spoke with over the phone moments before, but now seemed like an age ago.

“It will be a matter of seconds now,” replied Rahm Emanuel as he calmly lit up a cigarette. “She’ll be here in a matter of seconds.”

“Is there… is there --” hesitated and stuttered the president.

“Is there enough time to can you call in your wife and children and say goodbye?” interrupted the chief of staff.

“No,” said Obama reaching his hand out to Rahm Emanuel. “Is there a chance I can take a drag on your cigarette?”

“Sorry, Mr. President…” replied Rahm Emanuel as he causally tossed the mostly intact cigarette to the floor, extinguishing it with a twist of his shoe. “Not enough time.”

“I use to rule the world…” Obama began to sing himself the lyrics from the song ‘Via la Vida’ from the rock group ‘Coldplay’ as he sank from his chair to the seeming safety and security under his desk. “Seas would rise when I gave the word. Now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I use to own….”

Hundreds of miles away in a fallow field somewhere in the state of Wyoming, the surface hatch of a missile silo slides open. A monument later, a scantily clad ‘Obama Girl’ emerges, oblivious to either her recent captivity or release, dancing and swaying to the iTunes playing on her iPod plugged into her head. Catching a scent in the air, however, she stops in her tracks and with a single bound takes flight to the star studded heavens above, moving across the midnight sky like a streaking comet, headed in the direction of Washington D.C.

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo