Smoker Injured by Acme Exploding Electronic Cigarette

Miami, Florida –

A 57-year-old man was severely injured this week when he reached over to turn on his electric cigarette and pulled out an exploding cigar instead.

“A labeling mix up at the Acme exploding joke cigar factory lead to the incident,” said police.

After regaining consciousness, the injured man awoke to find he was missing his lips, teeth and a chunk of his tongue.

“Which made it all the more difficult to understand what he was trying to say to me,” said the 911 operator who took the call.

Nevertheless, the 911 operator dispatched the fire department to the scene via a phone trace.

When first responders arrived, however, they were shocked by what they saw.

“With his lips and tongue missing like that we thought we were dealing with another chimp attack,” said an emergency medical technician (EMT).

So EMTs’ called for police backup and waited for them to sweep the habitation for a primate before treating the injured man.

Unable to speak, the injured man attempted to communicate to the EMTs and police that he was not attacked by a chimp by dropping his pants, exposing his intact genitals.

“Unfortunately, the officers on the scene misinterpreted the gesture as an act of aggression and tasered him,” said a spokesman for the police.

Eventually, the injured man was transported to the hospital where he was treated.

“It’s a good thing that the patient was in the process of exhaling and not inhaling,” explained the attending emergency room physician.

Otherwise, the injured man would be breathing his next cigarette through a tiny little hole in his neck like that old lady on that anti-tobacco TV commercial.

“Only in his case it wouldn’t be due to any smoking related illness,” continued the physician. “But because he wouldn’t have a head.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.


Photo Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

Debt Ceiling Crisis Leaves Obama Smoking, Again

Washington, D.C. –

On a personal note, the debt-ceiling crisis has taken its toll on the health of the president lately, as he has taken up smoking again. It is reported that the First Lady, Michelle Obama, was the first to notice her husband’s relapse into his old nicotine habit, one which he had worked so hard to kick since he took office.

“I knew he went back to smoking,” said the First Lady. “He’d makeup some dumb excuse. Go outside, saying he needed some fresh air.”

Later, the First Lady picked out cigarette butts from her bed of flowers in the Rose Garden.

“At first, I don’t say anything to him,” said the First Lady. “Believing it’s really not my place. I mean so long as he doesn’t do it in front of the children, right?”

However, the First Lady expressed concerned that the president’s smoking was getting in the way of his job.

“He use to say smoking helped him relax, cleared his mind. So he could focus on the task at hand,” said the First Lady. “But I doubt that’s the case anymore.”

So the First Lady decided to confront the president with a handful of cigarette butts she found in the Rose Garden.

Only their meeting in the Oval Office was interrupted by a phone call from Speaker of the House Representatives, John Boehner.

“Honey,” said a confident and assertive First Lady. “I know you’re really busy with our nation on the verge of failing to meet it’s financial obligations for the first time ever, but I found these cigarette butts in the Rose Garden the other day. Now I understand you’re under tremendous pressure, but if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re using this debt ceiling crisis as some kind of smokescreen. Just so you can pick up smoking again.”

Just then John Boehner called, the president placing him on the speakerphone.

“Mr. President,” said a weeping John Boehner on the other end of the line. “For the love of God, please okay raising the debt ceiling. I don’t understand, we gave you everything you wanted weeks ago.”

After hearing John Boehner’s plea over the speakerphone, the First Lady looked down at the cigarette butts in her hand and then backup at the president with her mouth wide open.

From behind his desk, the president calmly reached into coat pocket, pulled out a cigarette and lit it up.

“I beg you, Mr. President,” continued pleading John Boehner. “There’s very little time left. Approve raising the debt ceiling and put an end to this godforsaken crisis.”

“Are we clear?” said the president to the First Lady as he drew on the cigarette, its glow lighting up his face.

The First Lady just nodded her head as she slowly backed out of the Oval Office, placing the cigarette butts in her skirt pocket.

John Boehner, still weeping over the speakerphone.

“Mr. President…” sobbed John Boehner. “Mr. President…”


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Conan O’Brien’s New ‘Twitter’ Show Hires Zhora the Alcoholic, Chain-Smoking Chimp

Burbank, California --

Not quite recovered himself, not so much from the loss of the ‘The Tonight Show’ but of the friends he made out of the guests, co-workers and producers that appeared on it, perhaps it is befitting then that Conan O’Brien has reached out to an alienated alcoholic, nicotine-addicted male chimp named Zhora. A former entertainer of sorts himself in a traveling circus that roamed the Ukrainian countryside with gypsies, bringing smiles to the dirty faces of the impoverished children of nomadic tribesman in the radioactive shadow of Chernobyl.

“You see,” said Conan O’Brien in a webcam plea from his kid’s playhouse in his Beverly Hills backyard, asking the Russian rehab facility that is currently treating the chimp, if he can adopt him. “I know what it is like to have lost a career recently, and I really, really miss that. But what I miss even more is the friends that I made while practicing my profession.”

Conan O’Brien then gave a tour of the children’s playhouse he was streaming his show on the web from. Showing off still photographs of his friends that he hung on the walls. Friends that he so dearly missed: ‘Robo Pimp’, ‘The Masturbating Bear’ and ‘Triumph’ the Comic Insult Dog, just to mention a few.

“Ah, here’s a photo of one I miss the most,” said Conan O’Brien visibly shaken by the touching sentiments scrawled on the bottom of the autographed glossy black and white image of ‘Triumph’ the Comic Insult Dog. The caption underneath reading: ‘Here’s to Conan…for me to poop on!’

“Truly, ‘Triumph’ the Comic Insult Dog was this man’s best friend,” said Conan O’Brien, wiping away a tear as he spoke. Then looking directly into the webcam he added, poker faced: “And what a ratings getter too.”

Conan O’Brien then sat back down onto his bright plastic pink child’s chair that was to small for him, adjusting the webcam as he wiggled his way back into it. And lifting up a black attaché case, placing it onto the white plastic table before him that had blue, yellow and orange flower stickers on it, he smiled sinisterly, as he slowly opened it up, revealing stacks of money contained in it.

“That’s right,” said Conan O’Brien, his voice sounding demonstratively villainous. “They’re all Benjamin’s, six columns wide, three rows tall and six inches deep…Now gentlemen…tell me. Do I have a producer for my new ‘Twitter’ show, or not?”


Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo