“Smokey the Bear’s Head Will Be Mounted Over the White House Fireplace Mantel for This,” Vows President Trump, continuing to blame California’s Wildfires on Poor Forest Management

Angeles National Forest, California  --

By Robert W. Armijo

While standing with the governor of California, Jerry Brown Jr. and governor-elect, Gavin Newsom at an outdoor  press conference against the backdrop of still smoldering wildfire debris, President Trump signed a death warrant authorizing the assassination for the first American citizen on U.S. soil by the federal government as authorized under the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA).

“There,” said President Trump. “Smokey the Bear’s head will be mounted over the White House fireplace mantel for this."

According the White House, Smoke the Bear is directly responsible for mismanagement of California’s forests, resulting in its historical wildfires.

“As I speak,” said President Trump. “A Predator drone is flying high up above our heads scanning this crowd with its facial recognition technology, looking in its vast, vast data banks of every American citizen’s face for a match with the wildfire terrorist, Smokey the Bear.”

Suddenly, a hellfire missile streaked across the blue sky and into the adjacent forest causing a giant explosion and ensuing forest fire.

“Looks like Smokey the Bear just got smoked,” jokingly said President Trump, as several fire engines turned on their sirens and headed off in the direction of the plume.

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of wpclipart.com

CNN Reporter Accuses White House of Weaponizing His Press Pass -- “Funny, It Never Smelled This Funky Before,” Says Jim Acosta

Has the White House Weaponized Press Passes?

Washington DC --

By Robert W. Armijo

"Jim Acosta is happy that the Trump administration has chosen to comply with the court ordered return of his press pass," said spokesmen for CNN. 

However, the distressed reporter has reportedly filed yet another complaint with the White House, asking that a new press pass be issued, as his old one has allegedly been compromised.

“Funny, it [press pass] never smelled this funky before,” said Jim Acosta, who filed a lawsuit against the Trump administration for allegedly breaching his First Amendment Rights when his press pass was revoked after he challenged the president’s authority by refusing to yield a press core microphone to a White House intern and take a seat.

Jim Acosta claims his press pass smells so bad that other reporters cannot remain in the same room with him for too long of a period.

“I can’t stand it myself,” Jim Acosta acknowledged, while wearing a clothespin on his nose. “However, I have no choice. I have to wear it. Or White House security won’t let me into the press room to ask President Trump my followup question at his next press conference: if he still thinks his anti-caravan rhetoric isn't divisive and racists?”

“Look. We [the press] all support Jim standing up for his First Amendment Right to ask President Trump loaded questions and all that jazz,” said a fellow colleague, who asked to remain anonymous.  “But if he walks into the press room wearing that stinky press pass, we’re filing for a restraining order, keeping him one-hundred yards downwind of us.”

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com

CNN's Jim Acosta Played by George Clooney in New “George Clooney Defends the First Amendment Against President Trump” the Movie

George Clooney Saves Free Speech

By Robert W. Armijo

Movie star actor turned political activist, George Clooney, announced today that he will be writing, directing, executive producing and playing the lead role of CNN reporter, Jim Acosta, in a new movie he is making on defending free speech in American under the Trump Administration.

“Nothing," said George Clooney at a press conference.  "I repeat. Nothing is more important to me than defending free speech in America.” 

A reporter then questioned George Clooney about his seemingly feigning  interest in Darfur.

“Of course, that’s still important to me,” George Clooney replied, as he rolled back his eyes. "That's why I married Amal. She's got my back."

Another reporter then questioned George Clooney about his personal war on the paparazzi.

“Really?” replied a visibly upset George Clooney. “You guys are going to bring that [BLEEP] up? You guys are disgusting. Aren't you guys ever going to let that go? I thought you’d have more relevant questions for me. Like how uncanny it is that Jim and I look so much alike. In fact, that’s what gave me the idea for the movie.”

George Clooney then called Jim Acosta up to the podium.

“Come up here, Jim,” said George Clooney.

“But I have several questions to ask you, George," said a bewildered looking, Jim Acosta.

"Hey, what did I tell you?" rhetorically asked George Clooney of Jim Acosta.

"Yes, Mr. Clooney," answered, Jim Acosta. "But what about my questions?" 

“You can ask them later,” said George Clooney. 

George Clooney then ran down the aisle, grabbing Jim Acosta's arm, leading him back to the podium. 

However, Jim Acosta resisted for a moment, refusing to relinquish the microphone.

"Really, Jim?" said a frustrated, George Clooney. "You want to try this crap on me? I'm not the [BLEEPING] President of the United States, you know. I'm [BLEEPING] George [BLEEPING] Clooney."

“See?” said George Clooney as he posed cheek-to-cheek next to Jim Acosta back at the podium. “We look like twins.”

George Clooney then pulled his cell phone out from his pants and held it out in front of himself and Jim Acosta.

“I’m taking a selfie of this [BLEEP],” said George Clooney. “It's [BLEEPING] uncanny.”

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of wpclipart.com

"Glitter Booty" Helps Wife Catch Cheating Hubby

Hollywood, California --

By Robert W. Armijo

“I had suspected that my husband was cheating on me with his secretary for years,” said Mrs. Andersen. “But I never could find the proof.”

Mrs. Andersen said her husband would deny having an affair every time she confronted him with the accusation; until one day, while taking a shower, she discovered something sparkly running down her legs and down the drain.

“What’s this?” Mrs. Andersen thought to herself, as she held out her index finger with a cluster of purple glitter booty on the tip of it.

Suddenly, Mrs. Andersen’s eyes grew wider, as if she had an epiphany.

Mrs. Andersen immediately dropped her towel, sat down on the toilet and reached for a hand held mirror.

She paused a moment and took a deep breath before taking a look.

“I screamed so loud, my neighbor came knocking on my front door, asking if I was alright,” said Mrs. Andersen.

Mrs. Andersen is not the only wife to discover with the help of glitter booty  that their husband was cheating on them.

Mrs. Chapmen also discovered with the help of glitter booty that her husband was cheating on her as well.

“Every time I’d confront him, he would deny it,” said Mrs. Chapmen. “Even telling me it was my period talking.”

However, one evening, after sharing an intimate moment with her husband, Mrs. Chapmen got up to brush her teeth.

As Mrs. Chapmen reached for her toothbrush, she looked up into the bathroom mirror and noticed a ring of glitter booty all round her mouth.

“I said, ‘What the BLEEP is this?’” said Mrs. Chapmen.

Suddenly, Mrs. Chapmen’s eyes widened as well, as if she too had an epiphany.

Mrs. Chapmen also screamed so loud that her neighbor came knocking on her front door, asking her if she was alright.

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Tracy Morgan Criticizes SLN’s Mockery of Wounded Vet

Tracy Morgan puts his foot
in his mouth...again?
New York, New York --

By Robert W. Armijo

“I personally wouldn’t have made such an insensitive  joke,” said Tracy Morgan during a TV interview on a morning talk show regarding a fellow SNL cast member, Pete Davidson,  who came under fire for having made fun at the expense of wounded veteran, Dan Crenshaw,  who lost an eye in the service of his country.

“I would have said something more classy like, ‘Why are you wearing an eye patch?” said Tracy Morgan. “’Is it because you’re gay?’"

“What!?” exclaimed the interviewer, as they spit out their coffee.  

“Yeah," replied Tracy Morgan. "Everybody knows eye patches are so gay." 

In fact, Tracy Morgan's son tried dressing up as a pirate this Halloween before he was grounded.

"But I didn’t let him," said Tracy Morgan. "Because I told him only gay people wear eye patches.”

“Why would you say that?” asked the perplexed interviewer, as they soaked up the coffee from their clothes with a paper towel. 

“Because everybody knows pirates are gay,” said Tracy Morgan, sighing as he  explained. “Why else would they always be talking about booty?”

The TV camera quickly cut to a commercial break as another plume of brown mist once again filled the studio air.

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

SNL’s Pete Davidson Apologizes to Male Porn Stars -- Not Wounded GOP War Vets!

-- New York, New York

By Robert W. Armijo

Kowtowing to the mounting pressure from the porno industry, SNL’s Pete Davidson apologized to male porn star performers everywhere for comparing them to GOP congressional candidate and wounded Afghanistan war veteran, Dan Crenshaw, who lost an eye in the service of his country.  

“It was never my intent to make a mockery of one-eyed eye patch wearing male porn stars and their fine service to the pornography industry,” said Pete Davidson at a press conference held at the very same ‘Weekend Update’ desk on the set of SNL.

“I mean how would men or women know when to get off if, it weren’t for the ‘money shot’ generously and self-sacrificingly provided by male porn stars?” said Pete Davidson. “I mean with women, you don’t know. They could be faking it. But with guys, you know. Because of the ‘money shot’. You know?”

Pete Davidson seemed to acknowledge his folly right from the get go.

“As soon as those words left my mouth,” said Pete Davidson. “I knew I would regret them.”

Reportedly, Pete Davidson had somewhat of a near death experience, while he spoke those hurtful words of hate speech.

“It was like I was in a war zone and IED exploded in my face,” said a remorseful Pete Davidson. “I saw every porn movie I ever watched flash right before my eyes.”

A visibly shaken Pete Davidson paused a moment before continuing.

“All that jizz flowing through the air as thick as bullets,” said a verklempt Pete Davidson. "It brought tears to my eyes." 

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo courtesy of clipart.com

The Russians Are Coming! The Russians Are Coming! The Russians Are Coming!

"See? I Told You So."
Sarah Plain maybe the first spokesperson ever to 

Cold Warmonger for both the GOP and the DNC
By Robert W.  Armijo

“By golly wow,” said Sarah Plain, as she appeared via a conference call before a Democratic committee to investigate the alleged Russian interference with the presidential election of 2016 and in the wake of President Trump’s one-on-one Helsinki meeting with Russian President Putin.

“I can still see Russia from my house,” said Sarah Palin, while she peered through a telescope, across the Bering Straits over and out to Russia.  

“Yes. We know, Sarah,” said a Congressman. “But what are the Russians doing right now?”

The former Republican vice president candidate once mocked by SNL’s Tina Fey’s portrayal of her as a conservative caricature has now ironically become the point man for the Democratic party in their effort to single-handedly revive the Cold War.

Among growing criticism that the Democratic National Committee (DNC) is putting partisan politics above the nation’s best interests, a spokesman for the Grand Old Party (GOP) recently stated.

“I just hope we’re not too late,” said a spokesman for the GOP. “Midterm elections are just around the corner."

“What do you see, Sarah?” repeated the Congressman. “What are the Russians doing?”

“Oh, yeah,” said Sarah Palin. “They are definitely packing their bags.”

“You hear that!” proclaimed the Congressman. “Sarah Plain says, ‘The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!”

“Yeah, well, no,” said Sarah Palin. “I didn’t exactly say that. But yeah, sure. Okay. Why not?”

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo

How Black is Marvel’s New “Black Panther” Movie?

Hollywood, California --

By Robert W. Armijo

Q: How Black is Marvel’s New “Black Panther” Movie?

A: It’s so Black Spike Lee called, complaining there were too many Black people in it.

Photo(s) Courtesy of: Public Domain

Copyright© 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

President Trump Orders Upgrade of U.S. Nuclear Arsenal to Include Atomic Hand Grenades?

Vah-Vah Kah-Boom!
-- Washing, D. C.

By Robert W. Armijo

In an effort to upgrade what President Donald J. Trump considers is America’s out of date nuclear arsenal, he has ordered the military to come up with smaller nuclear devices to be used on the battlefield by individual soldiers.

In fact, the president himself offered the military an idea he came up with while in the Oval office.

“It’s a wonderful idea, Mr. President,” said a senior member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, as he glanced down at the weapon of mass destruction that was hastily sketched on a napkin; noticing a slight tremor in his hand that he attempted to consciously tried to conceal but could not control.
He passed it on to the others in the Oval Office hoping someone would object.

No one did.

Instead, all praised the president, as they passed along the design for an atomic hand grenade with the word “BOOM!” where a mushroom cloud would be, set against a field of asher blue and white bearing the official White House embalm.

Photo(s) Courtesy of: wpclipart.com

Copyright© 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Camel (Toe) Beauty Contest Controversy Breaks Out in Saudi Arabia

Camel beauty contestants head back home
after being disqualified. 

-- Saudi Arabia, Dubai

By Robert W. Armijo

Officials judging the annual camel beauty contest in Saudi Arabia surprised a number of contestants during the multi-million dollar event when they disqualified a dozen camels for allegedly cheating.

"Claudia" attempts to hide her Botox camel toes
in the sand from officals.
“We discovered during our physical inspection of the camels that there were several violations of The Standards of Camel Beauty,” said an official.

Judges of the controversial segment of the contest alleged that several of the camel’s toes were injected with Botox, to give them an artificially enhanced swollen camel toe look, reportedly said another official.

“I didn’t use this thing…this thing they call Botox,” said one contestant whose camel was suspended from the competition.

“Just look at that camel toe,” continued the Arabic man, donned in heavy white robes and turban, while holding up the hoof of his camel for voluntary inspection. 
Now that's some serious
Camel Toe going on! 

“Look how thick, puffy and fat my camel’s camel toe is?" pointed out the Arabic man. "You would think I kissed, caressed and finally sucked on that myself for hours on end as if she were one of my wives' toe to get it to look like that."

"They're definitely using Botox on their camel’s noses, lips and especially toes,” said attending veterinarian, Claudia Moore at the event. “You can tell even absent all the scientific evidence. You can tell just by the effect it has on you as a neutral observer, as you follow it as a slit at first; then ever so slowly falling down with it, until it turns into a groove, making your way through a valley; now ever flowing downwards, between two soft flesh filled hills rising on either side of you; to a destination unknown, you can’t but help find yourself on an adventure; no matter where it takes you, no matter who you thought you were before this moment, you find yourself deep down inside of yourself; questioning even who you thought, less all others, thought who you were before, and finally, you wake up; and find yourself on a journey of indeterminate self-discovery.”


Officials say the camels disqualified this year will be allowed to compete in next year’s camel beauty pageant, provided they refrain from using Botox.

Caption One: 
Camel beauty contestants head back home
after being disqualified. 

Caption Two:
"Claudia" attempts to hide her Botox camel toes
in the sand from officials.

Caption Three:
Now that's Some Serious Camel Toe going on! 

Caption Four:
All the while this, "Claudia", doesn't  bother to conceal  her Camel Toe at all.

Photo(s) Courtesy of: wpclipart.com; Public Domain

Copyright© 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.