Saturday, August 20, 2016

IOC Certifies Shaunae ‘Claim-Jumper’ Miller’s Claim for Olympic Gold



And the Winner is...

By Robert W. Armijo

“Shaunae Miller may not be the only Olympian to throw herself or himself across the finish line for the gold,” explained a commissioner for the International Olympic Committee (IOC).

The IOC called for a press conference to explain their controversial ruling that Miller’s dive across the finish line was  legal under their current IOC regulations. 


...What Does It Matter? 
Something Stinks Around Here.
I Can Tell, Because a Fish Always
Rots from the Head Down.
  

“In fact," continued the IOC commissioner. "Shaunae Miller may not be the only Olympian to require a photo finish to determine the winner either.”



“However,” said the IOC commissioner, standing up to unveil a giant blowup photograph of Shaunae Miller, taken at the moment she crossed the finish line, taking the gold. “She is certainly the first Olympian to win by a nose!”



Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of: wpclipart.com

Donald Trump’s Official ‘Presidential’ Response to Hillary Clinton’s Nuclear Launch Codes Claim: “I got your nuclear launch codes right here, Hillary! Right here, if you know what I mean? And I think you do. I think you do. Am I right, folks? Or am I right?”


donald_trump_portrait.jpeg
Get Ready to Cut into the Live Feed.
By Robert W. Armijo

Standing before a stadium full of his supporters, Donald Trump addressed Hillary Clinton’s claim that the GOP nominee does not have the temperament to be trusted with the nation’s nuclear launch codes.


A haunting dead silence fell over the stadium audience as Donald Trump brought up the Hillary Clinton’s nuclear launch codes claim. 

“Now, folks,” said Trump. “I am sure all of you have heard by now what Crooked Hillary said about me in the news and my having access to the nuclear launch codes.”

The audience let out a collective, ”Boo!”

“Now, now,” replied Trump. “If I have to be presidential so do you.”

The audience cheered.

“And to prove to you how presidential I can be, here is my official presidential response to Hillary,” said Trump, turning to the teleprompter where a carefully crafted speech by political pundits was prepared for him to read aloud.

However, in that instant, Trump caught his reflection in the teleprompter glass screen. He could not see the wordsmiths' words, which slowly scrolled up for him to read. He could not find it himself to read them. 

"What's he doing?' asked one of his political adviser backstage. 

"What he does best," replied another Trump political adverser. "He's putting his foot in his mouth."

"He's going off script again," said a news director in a mobile TV control booth. "Get ready to cut into the live feed."

Turning away from the teleprompter, Trump did what he had done all his life: he spoke his mind.

“I got your nuclear codes launch right here, Hillary!” Trump said. 

Backstage, Trump's political advisers throw their hands up in the air in frustration.  

The live audience jumped to its feet with cheers, whistles and applause. 

“Right here, if you know what I mean?” continued Trump.  “And I think you do. I think you do. Am I right folks? Or am I right?”

“Speaking of codes,” continued Trump. “You know what to Hill Billy Clinton’s code name for Monica Lewd-Whisky was?” 

A wave of laughter swept over the audience.

“What?” responded a somewhat stunned and surprised Trump. 

Trump then covered the mic with his hand, as he turned to his political advisers backstage for an explanation.
  
“Hill Billy Clinton” and Monica ‘Lewd-Whisky,” they whispered back. 

“Oh, I get it now,” Trump said turning to the audience. “You think that was Monica’s  code name, ‘Lewd-Whisky’. Well it wasn’t. I just made that up. Just now. That’s right. Just made it up. Right here. Right now. Live, baby. You see, what my new so-called political consultants wrote out for me to say and I was suppose to read from the teleprompter was, ‘Deep Throat.” 

The audience echoed back to Trump, ‘Deep Throat’ in the form of a question as if they were a studio audience surprised by the game show host’s answer.

“Yeah, I know. Right,” said Trump. “My joke is much more funny. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what you can expect out of me, if you vote me into the White House come November." 

The audience cheered.

"I will have you laughing at everything I do." continued Trump. "I guarantee it. Yup, we’re really gonna have a good time, folks. A good time.” 

The audience continued cheering.

“In fact,” Trump added, now obviously no longer reading from the teleprompter, shooting straight from the hip. “My administration will make you laugh so hard…”

Trump then cupped his ear to the audience, who played along.

“How hard?!” the audience replied.

“So hard unsubsidized milk will shoot out of your nose,” Trump said in kind, as he began pacing the stage like a stand-up comedian. “Forcing you to go the hospital. There you can expect to pay the bill or file for bankruptcy, because you will no longer have medical coverage under the oppressive yoke of Obamacare!”

Once more, the live audience jumped to its feet with cheers, whistles and applause.

Until they all united in a single voice.

“TRUMP!” they chanted.

“TRUMP!” they chanted.

“TRUMP!” they chanted.




Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of: wpclipart.com

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Brexit: Top 10 Revenge Ideas the EU is Considering Post Breakaway Vote

"Only Britain Soldiers On!”

By Robert W. Armijo

10) Prohibit British films from participating in the Cannes Film Festival.

9) Impose a French cheese embargo.

8) Reduce to the British pound by 12 ounces.

7) Ban fine British Cuisine from the European contentment.

6) Flood Channel Tunnel with cheap wine.

5) Ban British tourist from gawking at beautiful French women frequenting topless beaches.

4) Jam Benny Hill reruns. 

3) Rename ‘fish and chips’ ‘fish with French fries’.

2) Don’t invite England to the next World War.

1) Register all anglophiles as sex offenders with Interpol.


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Father's Day Joke #1: What Do You Call Male Menopause?


"Cheer up, Mr. ED.
Things will turn up soon." 

A: Erectile Dysfunction [ED]!

Caption: "Cheer up, Mr. ED. Things will turn up soon."


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com


God Particle Changes Periodic Table, Updated to Reflect CERN Discovery And Pluto's Still Not a [BLEEPING] Planet!


Periodic Table Now Lists the God Particle
to the Delight of Intelligent Design (ID)
Believers and String Theorist alike.

By Robert W. Armijo

All the periodic tables in the science section have recently been updated to reflect the Organisation européenne pour la recherche nucléaire (CERN) discovery of the God Particle.

The move comes on the recommendation of the International Astronomical Union (IAU). 

The same organization that brought democracy to science when they voted that Pluto was not a planet back in 2006 during their XXVIth general assembly in Prague, Czech Republic. 

"After the discovery of the God Particle at CERN,” said a spokesman for IAU. “We knew it was just a matter of time before we had to put the update of the periodic table to the vote as well.”

Updating the periodic table encountered little resistance, passing almost unanimously among the IAU membership. 

Only one scientist abstained from the vote, claiming that to participate in such a democratic process would be wanton abandonment of the scientific method.  

“Science is not a democracy,’ said Professor Thomas Windset. “You just cannot put the scientific method to the vote.”

Prof. Windset also abstained from the ‘Pluto: Planet or Not?’ vote for the same reasons back in 2006.
This diagram once depicted Pluto’s peaceful orbit in our
solar system. Now it serves as a bitter reminder to its
celestial 
outcast social status to current and future
susceptible and 
unsuspecting generations of judgmental stargazers.

Back then, Prof. Windset stood before the general assembly in Prague in protest.

“Pluto not a planet?! Really?!” said Prof. Windset, as he shook his head in disbelief.  “What’s next ladies and gentleman of science, updating the periodic table if and when we ever discover the so-called 'God Particle'?”

“I was being sarcastic,” explained Prof. Windset, as he recalled Neil deGrasse Tyson sitting in the front row, rubbing his chin and nodding his head in agreement. “I should’ve kept my big mouth shut.”



Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Bored Housewife Scales 33-Story Skyscraper, Using Vacuum Cleaner


"Hey, these windows are way easier
 to clean than mine back home."

By Robert W. Armijo

“I was doing housework,” explained Jane Alva, housewife and mother of two small children. “Vacuuming the living room, putting off washing the windows for last.”

Alva lives in a two-story house and doing the windows is often a very difficult task to complete.

“I have to pull the ladder out from the garage,” said Alva. “Then climb up and down for every window on all four sides of the house.”

That is when Alva got the idea to get dual use out of her vacuum cleaner. 

“I was always reading how everyday items around the house can be used to substitute cleaning chemicals,” said Alva. “So, I thought, ‘Why not convert my vacuum cleaner into super suction cups and use it to climb up and down the sides of the house?” 

All Alva has to do now is strap on the vacuum cleaner to her back, slip on her super suction cups (converted toilet plungers) and ascend the interior and exterior walls of her house to clean.   

Since deploying her invention, Alva has not only attracted the attention of her neighbors, but also the head of the manufacturer of the vacuum cleaner she converted into an unconventional climbing and cleaning equipment.  

The CEO asked Alva if she would be willing to scale a 33-story skyscraper for an advertisement campaign promoting the fidelity of their product.  

“Okay," replied Alva. "But only if I can use my own hair I wove into a rope as a safety tether."

“Agreed!” said the CEO.

Alva has since been contacted by the company that makes her conditioner, asking her if she would be interested in doing a commercial for their product as well.


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com