Debt Ceiling Crisis Leaves Obama Smoking, Again

Washington, D.C. –

On a personal note, the debt-ceiling crisis has taken its toll on the health of the president lately, as he has taken up smoking again. It is reported that the First Lady, Michelle Obama, was the first to notice her husband’s relapse into his old nicotine habit, one which he had worked so hard to kick since he took office.

“I knew he went back to smoking,” said the First Lady. “He’d makeup some dumb excuse. Go outside, saying he needed some fresh air.”

Later, the First Lady picked out cigarette butts from her bed of flowers in the Rose Garden.

“At first, I don’t say anything to him,” said the First Lady. “Believing it’s really not my place. I mean so long as he doesn’t do it in front of the children, right?”

However, the First Lady expressed concerned that the president’s smoking was getting in the way of his job.

“He use to say smoking helped him relax, cleared his mind. So he could focus on the task at hand,” said the First Lady. “But I doubt that’s the case anymore.”

So the First Lady decided to confront the president with a handful of cigarette butts she found in the Rose Garden.

Only their meeting in the Oval Office was interrupted by a phone call from Speaker of the House Representatives, John Boehner.

“Honey,” said a confident and assertive First Lady. “I know you’re really busy with our nation on the verge of failing to meet it’s financial obligations for the first time ever, but I found these cigarette butts in the Rose Garden the other day. Now I understand you’re under tremendous pressure, but if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re using this debt ceiling crisis as some kind of smokescreen. Just so you can pick up smoking again.”

Just then John Boehner called, the president placing him on the speakerphone.

“Mr. President,” said a weeping John Boehner on the other end of the line. “For the love of God, please okay raising the debt ceiling. I don’t understand, we gave you everything you wanted weeks ago.”

After hearing John Boehner’s plea over the speakerphone, the First Lady looked down at the cigarette butts in her hand and then backup at the president with her mouth wide open.

From behind his desk, the president calmly reached into coat pocket, pulled out a cigarette and lit it up.

“I beg you, Mr. President,” continued pleading John Boehner. “There’s very little time left. Approve raising the debt ceiling and put an end to this godforsaken crisis.”

“Are we clear?” said the president to the First Lady as he drew on the cigarette, its glow lighting up his face.

The First Lady just nodded her head as she slowly backed out of the Oval Office, placing the cigarette butts in her skirt pocket.

John Boehner, still weeping over the speakerphone.

“Mr. President…” sobbed John Boehner. “Mr. President…”


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obama and Boehner to Settle Debt Ceiling Crisis Over Game of Rock-Paper-Scissors

Washington, D.C. --

The financial fate of the free world was saved today when President Obama and Speaker of the House of Representatives, John Boehner, finally came to an agreement on how to resolve the debt ceiling (raising the nation’s credit card limit) debate between them.

“Now let me be perfectly clear with you,” said John Boehner at a press conference where he quickly denied having come to an agreement with the president. “We haven’t actually come to a negotiated settlement on the debt ceiling crisis, only to an agreement on how to go about settling it. So other then that, you might say I haven’t come to any agreement with the president. In fact, you might say I don’t even agree to disagree with him…ever.”

According to the White House, however, President Obama and John Boehner will meet in the Rose Garden for a game of rock-paper-scissors.

“Whosoever wins two out of three games will decide the fate of our nation and quite possibly the world,” said a spokesman for the White House.

Reportedly President Obama is preparing for the game of chance by practicing with his youngest daughter, Sasha, while John Boehner is preparing himself by getting a manicure at a local tanning salon.

“President Obama is confident that he will prevail,” said the spokesman. “And America’s senior citizens can rest assured that they will get their social security checks come August third…Possibly the fifteenth…or thirtieth, at the very latest. September for sure.”

Wall Street insiders are said to be pleased with the new deal as well.

“Whatever the outcome, we welcome it,” said a hedge fund manager. “After all, America has to continue to exist in order to bet against it, right?”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

John Boehner Calling Obama “Lip [Service] Gate” Reason Enough to Hold Congressional Hearings -- Possible Impeachment Proceedings Begin?



"What? Me worry? I'll
compromise my way out
of this one, like always.
But what about you?"

 
Washington, D.C. --

Speaking as the incoming Speaker of the House and on behalf of his fellow Republicans and Blue Dog Democrats, John Boehner stood before a press conference today. Crying out for a Congressional Hearing into what he is calling “Lip Gate” to investigate how Barack Obama received an injury requiring 12 stitches to his lip during a basketball game last Friday. Even demanding that he voluntarily steps down now or face impeachment proceeding to force him from the Office as the duly elected President of the United States of America.

“I want to assure the country that this Congressional Hearing will be conducted in accordance with the rule of law and will not be turned into a witch hunt for personal or political party gain,” said Boehner.

However, used for the purpose for which it was intended, as a legitimate probe into a possible impeachment proceeding, according to Boehner.

“After all," Boehner continued. "It’s important for the American people to know in a time of crisis such as this when their leader suffers a life threatening injury, under what can only be described as suspicious circumstances at best, that we politicians know when its time to put away petty partisanship. And stand united behind their president. Therefore, I am demanding that since Obama is not a U.S. citizen but a Kenyan, that the Department of Justice charges the alleged assailant with assault on a foreign dignitary. And do so without delay. Let us not forget that we are a nation of laws, not just men. And justice delayed, is justice denied.”

Boehner then expressed concern over the president’s state of mental health, suggesting the injuries were more extensive then first reported.

“You know, in order to get 12 stitches, Obama must have sustained a tremendous amount for blunt force trauma to his head,” said Boehner. “Enough even to generate a concussion, I bet. Therefore, I have also asked the Surgeon General to declare Obama unfit to serve in office, pending a full medical examination of the president to assure the nation that he’s still physically and mentally capable of leading our Republic.”

Meanwhile, in a totally unrelated issue, while awaiting action on behalf of the Department of Justice and the office of the Surgeon General, Boehner managed to reinstate the ‘Death Panel’ provision back into the ‘Obama Health-Care’ legislation, during a rare midnight emergency secession of the so-called lame duck Congress.

“Death Panel’ is such an awful sounding phrase to describe a ‘Death Panel’ here folks,” said Boehner into the Congressional record. “So what do you say we use a more euphemistic term instead. Something more upbeat like, ‘Health Insurance Medical Review and Final Appeals Board’, okay?”

Boehner then concluded his second press conference as incoming Speaker of the House in which he managed not to shed a tear, although he did seem to be getting a little verklempt toward the end.

“I, umm,” said Boehner hesitating for a moment, sniffling overheard between pregnant pauses. “I, umm, want to…thank…y’all for coming today. That’s all. I just wanted to say…thanks.”

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.