Showing posts with label Jimmy Kimmel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jimmy Kimmel. Show all posts

Jimmy Kimmel Going Off An All-Trump-Bashing Diet?

Right, When Pigs Fly!
Hollywood, California --

Robert W. Armijo

“I feel the American people have had enough of Trump-bashing,” said Jimmy Kimmel in a magazine article. “And by fed up with Trump-bashing, I mean my Trump-bashing.”

According to former staff members of the Jimmy Kimmel Show, Jimmy Kimmel is currently interviewing new staff writers to replace his old ones that lost their ability to be funny over the years since the election of President Trump.

“They seem to have had a collective nervous breakdown," said a former staff member.

Reportedly, Jimmy Kimmel began to notice that all his writers lost the ability to write any new material that was not President Trump related.

The opposite occurred with the last administration.

“Before President Trump,” said a former staff member. “No body would dare write a joke against the one for whom the sun rises. I mean our beloved leader. I mean President Obama.”

Apparently, last season was the last straw for Jimmy Kimmel when he stormed into a writer’s staff joke pitch meeting.

“What’s wrong with you people?” Kimmel rhetorically asked, throwing his hand up in the air. “Can’t you write anything that’s not Trump-bashing?”

Witness recall seeing writers banging their heads on the conference desk, office walls and furniture as they jibber–jabbered among themselves a slew of Trump-bashing jokes.

“Ronald McDonald called today,” one writer spoke out as if in a trance, temporally lifting his head up from the conference desk.

“I am listening,” Kimmel said.

“Yeah, he asked President Trump for his hair back,” said the writer before slamming his head down again.

Kimmel just shook his head in disbelief.

“You there, bagging your head against the wall, what do you got? Kimmel asked, calling on another writer.

“Knock-knock,” said the male writer, who continued  staring at the wall.
“Knock-knock jokes?” said Kimmel. “Is this what we are reduced to? Okay, I will play along…Who’s there?”

“Six, six, six,” replied the writer.

“Six, six, six who?” Kimmel replied.

“President Trump,” said the writer, resuming bagging his head against the wall.

Kimmel placed his face in his hands.

“Okay, you way in the back, bagging your head against the water cooler,” said Kimmel, speaking between his fingers. “What do you got for me?”

The female writer with running mascara, matted hair and smeared lipstick stopped banging her head, steadied herself against the water cool and even took a drink of water before directly addressing Kimmel.  

“You know where the Joker got the inspiration for his name?” spoke the writer in an eerily calm and collected voice. 

“Timely,” said Kimmel, smiling. “I like where this is going.”

“He got it from the ‘J’ in President Donald J. Trump,” said the writer before passing on the conference room floor.

That is when Kimmel reportedly threw his hand up in the air.

“You are all very, very sick people. Suffering from TDS or something,” Kimmel said while storming out the conference room but not before yelling out. “You’re fired!”

Photo(s) courtesy of

Copyright © 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Megan Fox’s Baby Talks to Her from Her Womb Without a Ouija Board, Now

We All Watch as Megan Fox Follows
Alice's 'White Rabbit' Down Its Hole
Hollywood, California --

By Robert W. Armijo

Megan Fox shocked expectant mothers everywhere when she announced on Jimmy Kimmel Live last week that her unborn child speaks to from her womb.

The following is an unedited transcript of that strange interview. If you have seen it, you may notice how the unedited transcript differs from the aired version, which appears here in bold type.

Begin Transcript:


“Really?” said a surprised and shocked Jimmy Kimmel. “You’re not putting me on? Are you?”

“No,” said a serious Megan Fox. “He talks to me all the time. In fact, he told me to move to L.A. so I did.”

[Unedited Version Begins]

“Really?” said Kimmel. “So do you use a Ouija board or what?

“Yup,” said Megan Fox. “But just at first. Now he talks to me without it.”

“What does he sound like?” asked a suspicious Kimmel.

“He has a very deep, gritty grainy gurgly voice,” said Megan Fox. 

“Are you concerned? Asked Kimmel.

“No,” said Megan Fox. “He told be he has a cold. So he won’t sound like that when he’s born.”

“What else has he told you?” asked Kimmel.  

“Well, there’s one thing he repeatedly tells me over and over again,” said Megan Fox.

“What’s that?” asked a somewhat frightened Kimmel.

“He says that as soon as he gets out of my womb,” said Megan Fox. 

“Yes,” said Kimmel as he pulled out a crucifix from his desk drawer.  

“He says that he’s going to get that snake that keeps spiting in his eye,” continued Megan Fox.

“Oh, I see,” said Kimmel, who started making the cut off signal of his hand to his throat to the TV show’s producer standing off stage. 

“He’s even told me what he wants me to name him when he’s born,” said Megan Fox.

“Really?” replied Kimmel. “What’s that? Damien?”

“No, silly,” replied Megan Fox. 

“Are you at liberty to share it with us?” asked Kimmel, as he made the sign of the cross. 

“Sure,” replied Megan Fox. “He wants me to name him, Eggbert.”

“After Speedy Eggbert the Windows-based PC game?” asked Kimmel.

“No,” replied Megan Fox. 

“Oh, I got it,” said Kimmel. “After Eggbert the Slightly Cracked Egg.”

“No,” said Megan Fox. “Like Eggbert the award winning book series about an unborn child by LAF.” 

“Of course, what was I thinking?” said a visibly relived Kimmel. “That makes perfect sense.”


End Transcript

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:

White House Correspondent’s Dinner Turns into a Secret Service Roast

Washington, D.C. –

Last night at the White House corespondent’s dinner before an audience of politicians, celebrities and members of the media, President Obama and late night TV talk show host, Jimmy Kimmel took turns tag teaming each other. As they pulled no punches, taking jabs at the Secret Service for their recent sexual escapades involving Colombian hookers.

That was until a Secret Service agent approached the two.

Removing his dark sunglasses, the young agent politely asked for equal time to address the audience on behalf of his fellow Secret Service agents.

President Obama and Jimmy Kimmel just looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and handed over the mic to the agent.

“This is last minute so,” said the nervous Secret Service agent as he reached into his breast coat pocket. The audience cowered and cringed under their tables, believing the agent was about to pull out his service weapon.

“What?” said the agent, realizing what the audience was reacting to. “Oh…This is nothing to worry about. It’s just my short list of jokes. See?”

The audience let out a sigh of relief and resumed their seats.

“I really don’t have that much marital on me,” continued the agent, waving the sheet of paper in the air.

“Yeah,” yelled out a drunken heckler in the audience. “I bet that’s what she said!”

The audience roared with laughter.

“You’re right,” calmly replied the agent, taking on the heckler. “We deserve that. After all who did we think we were sleeping round with prostitutes, elected officials?!”

President Obama laughed so hard he doubled over, slapping his knee, which earned him a scowl from the fist lady and fellow politicians.

“So we screwed a few Colombian whores,” continued the now confident Secret Service agent. “At least we don’t screw the American public.”

No body in the audience laughed, except for Jimmy Kimmel who slapped a now stiff-necked President Obama on the back.

“Why so serious commander in chief?” Jimmy Kimmel asked the president. “You know --”

“Yes, I know,” said the president, cutting off Kimmel before he could finish his sentence. “It’s funny because it’s true.”

The Secret Service agent then put back on his dark sunglasses and signed off.

“Secret Service is in the House,” said the agent. “The White House, that is.”

The Secret Service agent then dropped the mic to the floor with a thud, causing such a ringing feedback President Obama, Jimmy Kimmel and everybody in the audience had to cover their ears.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Jimmy Kimmel Declares War on Facebook! Cyber Body Causalities Begin to Mount!

What?! Not again!
 Hollywood, California --

Yesterday claimed another Facebook user, yet another victim of “National UnFriend Day”? Was it you? No? Well, of course not.

Well, imagine, nevertheless for a moment, that it was you. For after signing on to your Facebook account, you quickly discovered that you were among the causalities of Jimmy Kimmel’s late night vicious joke campaign.

All the while millions of others on Facebook continue to attempt to logon to their account to join innocently in what is unbeknownst to them has become a national feeding frenzy to be the first on their virtual block to do the unfriending, while a more vast, vast silent majority of others, fearing rejection, opt to unfriend themselves instead.

“They call the friendships we formed on Facebook and other cyberspace social networks artificial, synthetic and even impersonal,” said BlueAlex0193, while holding a computer keyboard up to his mouth, his index finger nervously hovering over the delete button. “And you know what? They’re right.”

Sadly, as police attempted to e-mail BlueAlex0193 to convince him to choose life, they were abruptly disconnected from his dialup service.

It is believed he suddenly depressed the delete key, attributed police, pending the release of the official autopsy report.

“Either that, or he tripped over the phone cord,” police said. “inadvertently choking himself to death, something that would have never happened if he had simply gone with a wireless connection.”

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo