Showing posts with label White House. Show all posts
Showing posts with label White House. Show all posts

President Obama Holds Situation Room Meeting to Prevent a Mad Man from Winning the Presidency in November Joke

Meanwhile in the White House Situation Room...

By Robert W. Armijo

“Okay, you guys,” said President Obama to his staff gathered around a conference table in the White House Situation Room. “Let’s start brainstorming this thing. Now what can I do to stop a mad man from winning the presidency in November?”

“Ah, yes, Donald Trump,” says one staff member aloud, while the others nod their heads in agreement. 

“Actually,” President Obama replies. “I was referring to Hillary.”    

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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White House Arranges Pope to Meet with Lepers, Tax Collectors and Prostitutes

By Robert W. Armijo

“Bring it on!” said Pope Francis when he heard of the White House's controversial guest list for a meeting on the South Lawn. 

“We don’t understand,” said a White House insider. “The guest list was specifically tailored to insult the Pope. Not inspire him.”

“Well,” the Pope replied, while shaking his head. “I guess they just don’t get Christianity.” 

The Pope then paused in meditative thought for a moment before speaking again.

“You see,”  the Pope continued with hands clasp in prayer. “My boss meet with society's outcasts long before it was hip. And so, will I.”

The White House was quick to issue a denial that it invited the controversial guests for politically correct reasons. 

“We don’t invite the first openly gay Episcopal bishop, a leader for transgender rights, a gay Catholic blogger and a prominent nun-lobbyist  (the same one who bucked the bishops on the Affordable Care Act) just to be politically correct or inflame the Holy See,” said the White House. “Honest. We didn’t. Cross our hearts and everything.”

Photos courtesy of

Copyright © 2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

President Obama to World: Je Suis Charlie Who?

President Obama to World: Je Suis Charlie Who?
Washington, D.C. –

During Monday’s routine cabinet meeting at the White House, a foreign affairs advisor read aloud for pending presidential approval a prepared press release.

It acknowledged that the Obama administration had dropped the ball in not sending a more senior representative to participate in the ‘Je Suis Charlie’ Paris march on Sunday, which was attended by 40 world leaders.

Reportedly, that is when President Obama leaned over to Vice President, Joe Biden and whispered into his ear, “Je Suis Charlie who?”

“You know,” Biden whispered back. “The famous general, statesman and architect of the Fifth French Republic and its first president as well, Charles de Gaulle.”

“Oh man,” sighed the president. “Did I almost make a big mistake. I thought they meant Charlie Brown.”

“Yeah, me too,” added Biden. “I had to look it up on Wikipedia.”

“Say, didn’t I shut them down?” asked President Obama.

“No,” replied Biden. “Not yet.”

Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
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White House Sends Card to France, Apologizes for Not Attending Je Suis Charlie Paris March Joke #3

“Sorry, I missed your ‘Je Suis Charlie’ march on Sunday,” wrote President Obama.

 “P.S. In my defense, I could have done worse. I could’ve sent Joe Biden.”

Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
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White House Sends Card to France, Apologizes for Not Attending Je Suis Charlie Paris March Joke #2

“Sorry, I missed your ‘Je Suis Charlie’ march on Sunday,” wrote President Obama. 

“P.S. I thought Bastille Day wasn’t until July 14th?”

Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of:

White House Sends Card to France, Apologizes for Not Attending Je Suis Charlie Paris March Joke #1

“Sorry, I missed your ‘Je Suis Charlie’ march on Sunday,” wrote President Obama.

“P.S. I did not know how highly the people of France revered Charles M. Schulz. Or what ‘Peanuts’ fans you guys really are. I thought y’all were a bunch of Jerry Lewis fanatics.”

Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
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White House Correspondent’s Dinner Turns into a Secret Service Roast

Washington, D.C. –

Last night at the White House corespondent’s dinner before an audience of politicians, celebrities and members of the media, President Obama and late night TV talk show host, Jimmy Kimmel took turns tag teaming each other. As they pulled no punches, taking jabs at the Secret Service for their recent sexual escapades involving Colombian hookers.

That was until a Secret Service agent approached the two.

Removing his dark sunglasses, the young agent politely asked for equal time to address the audience on behalf of his fellow Secret Service agents.

President Obama and Jimmy Kimmel just looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and handed over the mic to the agent.

“This is last minute so,” said the nervous Secret Service agent as he reached into his breast coat pocket. The audience cowered and cringed under their tables, believing the agent was about to pull out his service weapon.

“What?” said the agent, realizing what the audience was reacting to. “Oh…This is nothing to worry about. It’s just my short list of jokes. See?”

The audience let out a sigh of relief and resumed their seats.

“I really don’t have that much marital on me,” continued the agent, waving the sheet of paper in the air.

“Yeah,” yelled out a drunken heckler in the audience. “I bet that’s what she said!”

The audience roared with laughter.

“You’re right,” calmly replied the agent, taking on the heckler. “We deserve that. After all who did we think we were sleeping round with prostitutes, elected officials?!”

President Obama laughed so hard he doubled over, slapping his knee, which earned him a scowl from the fist lady and fellow politicians.

“So we screwed a few Colombian whores,” continued the now confident Secret Service agent. “At least we don’t screw the American public.”

No body in the audience laughed, except for Jimmy Kimmel who slapped a now stiff-necked President Obama on the back.

“Why so serious commander in chief?” Jimmy Kimmel asked the president. “You know --”

“Yes, I know,” said the president, cutting off Kimmel before he could finish his sentence. “It’s funny because it’s true.”

The Secret Service agent then put back on his dark sunglasses and signed off.

“Secret Service is in the House,” said the agent. “The White House, that is.”

The Secret Service agent then dropped the mic to the floor with a thud, causing such a ringing feedback President Obama, Jimmy Kimmel and everybody in the audience had to cover their ears.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obamas’ Halloween 2009 Extravaganza Party Joke

The White House press corps was forced today to issue an unofficial response to the Obamas’ Halloween 2009 Alice in Wonderland ‘Tea Party’ extravaganza in comparison to the Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky 1998 affair:

“Close. But no cigar,” they said.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

John Boehner Calling Obama “Lip [Service] Gate” Reason Enough to Hold Congressional Hearings -- Possible Impeachment Proceedings Begin?

"What? Me worry? I'll
compromise my way out
of this one, like always.
But what about you?"
Washington, D.C. --

Speaking as the incoming Speaker of the House and on behalf of his fellow Republicans and Blue Dog Democrats, John Boehner stood before a press conference today. Crying out for a Congressional Hearing into what he is calling “Lip Gate” to investigate how Barack Obama received an injury requiring 12 stitches to his lip during a basketball game last Friday. Even demanding that he voluntarily steps down now or face impeachment proceeding to force him from the Office as the duly elected President of the United States of America.

“I want to assure the country that this Congressional Hearing will be conducted in accordance with the rule of law and will not be turned into a witch hunt for personal or political party gain,” said Boehner.

However, used for the purpose for which it was intended, as a legitimate probe into a possible impeachment proceeding, according to Boehner.

“After all," Boehner continued. "It’s important for the American people to know in a time of crisis such as this when their leader suffers a life threatening injury, under what can only be described as suspicious circumstances at best, that we politicians know when its time to put away petty partisanship. And stand united behind their president. Therefore, I am demanding that since Obama is not a U.S. citizen but a Kenyan, that the Department of Justice charges the alleged assailant with assault on a foreign dignitary. And do so without delay. Let us not forget that we are a nation of laws, not just men. And justice delayed, is justice denied.”

Boehner then expressed concern over the president’s state of mental health, suggesting the injuries were more extensive then first reported.

“You know, in order to get 12 stitches, Obama must have sustained a tremendous amount for blunt force trauma to his head,” said Boehner. “Enough even to generate a concussion, I bet. Therefore, I have also asked the Surgeon General to declare Obama unfit to serve in office, pending a full medical examination of the president to assure the nation that he’s still physically and mentally capable of leading our Republic.”

Meanwhile, in a totally unrelated issue, while awaiting action on behalf of the Department of Justice and the office of the Surgeon General, Boehner managed to reinstate the ‘Death Panel’ provision back into the ‘Obama Health-Care’ legislation, during a rare midnight emergency secession of the so-called lame duck Congress.

“Death Panel’ is such an awful sounding phrase to describe a ‘Death Panel’ here folks,” said Boehner into the Congressional record. “So what do you say we use a more euphemistic term instead. Something more upbeat like, ‘Health Insurance Medical Review and Final Appeals Board’, okay?”

Boehner then concluded his second press conference as incoming Speaker of the House in which he managed not to shed a tear, although he did seem to be getting a little verklempt toward the end.

“I, umm,” said Boehner hesitating for a moment, sniffling overheard between pregnant pauses. “I, umm, want to…thank…y’all for coming today. That’s all. I just wanted to say…thanks.”

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

White House to Install Nuclear Power Plant Rooftop

Washington, D.C. --

Like President Jimmy Carter, who used the of the office of the presidency as a bully pulpit to demonstrate to the nation his comment to America becoming energy self-sufficient in the 1970s by installing solar panels on the roof of his then residence, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, President Barack Obama has announced he is installing a nuclear power plant up on the White House rooftop to prove how safe nuclear energy is to Americans.

“President Obama realizes that it would be easier to just reinstall the old solar panels that President Ronald Reagan had removed after President Jimmy Carter lost the 1980 election,” said a spokesman for the White House. “However, Obama feels that he has an obligation as the first family to show the nation that nuclear power is just as green as solar power. In fact, it’s greener.”

“I’m not so sure about moving my garden up on the roof,” said the First Lady as she lay in bed next to the president reviewing the blue prints for the nuclear power plant and her new greenhouse garden. “Especially next to a --”

“Now, now Michelle,” interrupted Obama, putting down a book he was reading. “How many times do I have to tell you? Nuclear power is completely safe. Besides, now on cloudy days your plants will get all the radiation they need. Only, not from sunbeams that have to be imported from halfway across the solar system but from the splitting of atoms, domestically generated just feet above our heads. I know what I’m doing. I’ve done my research. Okay?”

“Okay,” said the First Lady as she rolled up the blue prints, laying them aside. Ignoring the biohazard warning on them. “You do have a way with words.”

“That’s why I’m the President,” said Obama with a smile as he picked up his book ‘How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying’, tuning to the page where he left off reading. “Now, please. Let me get back to my research so I can be ready for tomorrow’s economic summit.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Sarah Palin’s ‘Tea Party’ Address Causes Quite a Stir at the White House

Washington, D.C. --

“Now I really want you to look at these computer enhanced images of what your body will look like come 2012,” said President Barack Obama to ‘Obama Girl’ who helped sway the electorate, winning his 2008 presidential election for him and who now sat in the Oval Office with other members of his Cabinet and chief of staff, going over campaign strategies to defeat Sarah Palin in 2012.

“Notice how you’re projected to put on a little weight?” continued Obama speaking to ‘Obama Girl’ as the Surgeon General nodded his head in agreement. “Now it’s not so much that the Surgeon General here is raising any red flags, calling it a health concern. As much as you continuing to look so great as you do in a bikini. So I’ve taken the liberty to ensure that happens.”

Obama then called in a personal trainer into the room, introducing him to ‘Obama Girl’ who was busy stuffing her face with chocolate chip cookies at the time.

“Sven,” said Obama with a smile on his face as he rose to his feet zipping up his jogger’s jacket with the Presidential Seal embroidered on it. “How are you old buddy? Hope the windy city is treating you well. Say, I’d like you to meet ‘Obama Girl’. She’s been a faithful and most useful member of Team Obama. But now, as you can see by the computer projections, she won’t do me much good in the years to come if she doesn’t get control of her diet. What do you recommend?”

“The pain!” replied Sven in broken English as he flexed his bulky arm muscles so that it caused the veins in his neck and forehead to bulge, flooding with blood.

‘Obama Girl’ started gagging and choking on her chocolate chip cookies in response.

Sven, mistaking ‘Obama Girl’ for having need of the Heimlich maneuver, lifted her up from out of her chair and while positioned behind her, began squeezing her like a tube of toothpaste until she fell to the floor unconscious.

“Oh no,” yelled out Sven with his hands on his cheeks. “Not again!”

“There goes my reelection,” said Obama throwing his face into his folded arms on his desk.

“Is she dead?” asked Sven to the Surgeon General who was checking ‘Obama Girl’ for a pulse.

“No,” replied the Surgeon General. “In fact, she’s coming to.”

“Thank God!” said Obama jumping to his feet, throwing Karate punches in the air. “I’m back in business!”

“What do we tell her happened to her?” asked a concerned Sven, kneeling on one knee gently stroking ‘Obama Girl’s’ cheek.

“I know,” said Obama snapping his fingers. “Lets just put her back in her chair and pretend like nothing happened.”

“You mean like in that ‘I Love Lucy’ episode?” jokingly asked the Surgeon General.

“Yeah,” said Obama, nodding to Sven.

Sven then lifted up ‘Obama Girl’, returning her to her seat, arranging her body to the position it was in before. Even placing a chocolate chip cookie in her mouth.

As ‘Obama Girl’ regained consciousness, Sven was unable to look ‘Obama Girl’ in the eyes and looked nervously around room instead. Not knowing what to do next, he resumed his posing, causing ‘Obama Girl’ to gag and choke on the chocolate chip cookie in her mouth.

Sven instinctively rushed in plucking ‘Obama Girl’ out of her chair, performing the Heimlich maneuver on her.

“Oh no,” cried out Obama throwing his arms up in the air. “Not again!”

Sure enough ‘Obama Girl’ fell to the floor unconscious again.

“Is she alive?” Sven asked the Surgeon General who was checking ‘Obama Girl’ for a pulse again.

“Just barely,” the Surgeon General said. “In fact, without an immediate –”

“Wait!” interrupted Obama, throwing his hand out in the air.

“You got another idea?” sarcastically remarked the Surgeon General.

“Yeah,” said Obama as he paced the Oval Office. “I saw this movie once about a bachelor party where the prostitute they hire dies on them.”

“Oh no,” said Sven, shaking his head. “Not again.”

“Now, now, Sven,” said Obama patting Sven on his back. “Remember?”

“Yes, I remember,” said a resigned Sven, picking up the still unconscious ‘Obama Girl’ from the floor. “What happens in Chicago stays in Chicago.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Salahi White House Crashers Turn Down Invitation To Meet Congress

Washington, D.C. --

After posing for international cameras at President Barack Obama's first White House State Dinner and then appearing on the nationally syndicated, the 'Today' show, the world's most famous party crashers, the Salahis, now refuse to appear before Congress, turning down engraved invitations to discuss how they bypassed several security checkpoints manned by the Secret Service.

With their attorney present, the Salahis called for a press conference in the White House Rose Garden to explain their reasons for refusing to appear before Congress.

"Where's the challenge?' said Mr. Salahi as he held up the Congressional invitation to the hearing on White House security up in the air, waving it above his head for all to see.

"Yeah," chimed Mrs. Salahi into the microphone. "If they really wanted us to appear, they should invited us and then immediately uninvited us."

Suddenly the Secret Service appeared, interpreting the Salahi press conference by asking them for proof of authorization to use the Rose Garden from the White House groundskeeper.

As the Salahis' attorney reached out his arm across the table placing his hand over the microphone, he whispers into the Salahis' ears.

Almost immediately, Mr Salahi stands and begins to putdown his pockets, while Mrs. Salahi begins searching her purse, dumping its entire contents on to the conference table.

"I just had it in my pocket a minute ago," says Mr. Salahi. "Did you get it, honey?"

"I thought you had it, dear?" replied Mrs. Salahi. "Wait! I get this email saying we could use the Rose Garden. Will that do?"

As the Secret Service agents confer over the authenticity of the email, the Salahis quietly get up from the press table and sneak into the White House.

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Halloween White House Still Handing Out Eye Candy To Nation

Washington, D.C. --

Standing at the front entrance of the White House with the first lady faithfully at his side handing out Halloween candy, Barack Obama, dressed as himself, was criticized not only by Republicans this time around, but by an ever-growing chorus of Democrats and Independent voices too, as an imposter; merely disguising as the president of change he promised he would be and has yet to fulfill.

Meanwhile, not missing a beat to forward their causes, lobbyists bribed little kids dressed as ghouls, ghosts and goblins waiting in line to see the president, stealing their store bought and homemade costumes and chance to get White House candy away from them.

“You know when I promised the American people transparency, I meant it,” proudly said Barack Obama, as he posed for a photo op dropping candy into overfilled extended pillowcases, while leaving others empty yet to be filled.

“Trick or Treat?’ Mr. President,” said the lobbyists, still disguised as kids dressed as ghouls, ghosts and goblins.

“Oh, kids come on in,” said Obama, inviting the lobbyists inside the White House. “Help yourself to anything you want.”

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo