Showing posts with label BP. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BP. Show all posts

SNL’s Amy Carter Skit Criticized for Setting Controversial Precedent (i.e. Fast Forward: ‘Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?’)


New York, New York --

Saturday Night Live (SNL) has fallen under heavy criticism for its ‘Amy Carter Goes to Public School’ skit, which has been characterized by critics as insensitive, inappropriate, if not disrespectful, and should have never been aired.

“We’re talking about the President’s daughter here,” said one displeased SNL viewer calling into 30 Rockefeller Plaza to complain along with thousands of others. “She’s just a child. And no child deserves be used as either the butt or punch line of someone’s joke. No matter how much of a public figure the child’s father is.”

NBC says it never received so many complaints from their viewing audience before.

“Not since we took ‘Star Trek’ off the air nearly ten years ago,” said one concerned NBC executive.

“President Carter’s decision to send his daughter to a public school guarded by the Secret Service was the inspiration behind the comedy sketch,” explained an NBC spokesman. “His critics contend that it was an unjustified expense of taxpayers’ dollars and an intrusion into Amy Carter’s life as well as that of her classmates.”

In the comedy skit drawing all the fire, Amy Carter (Laraine Newman) is accompanied by two daunting Secret Service Agents (Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd) wearing dark suits, eyeshades and hidden walkie-talkie earpieces, standing at both sides of her desk in a classroom filled with other children after her father, President Jimmy Carter, insists that she attend public school instead of a private one.

Outraged by the complaints received for the skit, a protective Lorne Michaels, the executive producer of the late night scripted comedy TV show, vowed he would not allow anybody to intimidate his SNL writers.

“That’s my job,” said Lorne Michaels.

NBC’s legal department confirmed the controversial skit had been cleared for airing through its censor in advance, all according to policy and without incident.

“That should be enough, man,” said a SNL writer who collaborated on the creative work. “Beside, who knows, maybe one day there will be a Blackman in the White House who has kids. Can you dig that? And not placing an antic disposition on them like we did with little Amy Carter would be hypocritical, man.”

“If that day ever comes, I don’t mind risk having to place my SNL writers in the awkward position of being misperceived as racists,” said Lorne Michaels. “Better them than me.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Apple iPads Deployed to Gulf Oil Leak

Silicon Valley, California --

Apple software engineers have just created a new App for the iPad that can help clean up the British Petroleum (BP) oil spill in the Mexican Gulf by converting your iPad into an actual pad, allowing it to soak up oil.

“Once the App is downloaded from our Apple Online App Store and your iPad converted,” said Roger Stewart, a software engineer who heads up Apple’s new Environmental Apps Technical Information Team (EATIT). “Your iPad pad can absorb up to five barrels of oil a day.”


However, Apple strongly recommends the use of thick industrial rubber gloves, a respirator and ‘Dove’ dishwashing liquid detergent to clean off the oil from your iPad pad immediately afterwards, or risk voiding your warrantee.

“That way too, you will avoid contaminating yourself with known cancer causing carcinogens and getting dishwater hands,” said Stewart. “Then simply wring out all the water and hang it out to dry.”

Apple also suggests that you make certain that the batteries are dry before reactivating your iPad.

“By doing so,” said Stewart. “You’ll reduce the risk of electrocution to yourself. And more importantly, shorting out your iPad.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Gulf Underwater ‘Death Plume’ Headed Inland -- Straight as The Crow Flies for Brit Hume!

New Orleans, Louisiana --

After denying on FOX TV that the British Petroleum (BP) oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico posed a real threat because he did not see any pictures of oil washing on the shore and because millions of gallons of oil naturally seeps up every year from the ocean floor around the world which is then absorb, Brit Hume learned today what can only be best described as an underwater ‘Death Plume’ of crude was heading inland, straight for him.

“Death plume? What death plume?” said a still defiant Brit Hume, as he took to the airwaves again. This time images of oil mixed with a toxic chemical dispersant washing ashore all along the U.S. coastline, contaminating and killing off anything in its destructive path, played out on a giant in studio plasma screen behind him. “Sounds made-up to me. Like evolution, or the ‘Death Star’ in that ‘Star Wars’ movie.”

Outside the TV studio, just a mile away offshore, the death plume still beneath the surface of the Gulf begins its metamorphosis, changing its shape.

“Next they’ll be telling you there’s something called the ‘Force’,” Brit Hume continued to mock. “Like some kind of energy field created by all living things. That surrounds us and penetrates us. That binds the galaxy together.”

Slowly the death plume breaches the surface of the water, finally reaching the shore. Only not in the form of tiny little globes of tar anymore, but that of a giant looming sphere, rising up high into the sky blotting out the sun like a ‘Death Star’ and casting its shadow across the entire Louisiana coastline…and beyond.

Reaching under his desk, Brit Hume pulls out a plastic baggy containing a small glob of tar.

“I have your so-called ‘death plume’ right here!” continued Brit Hume, waving the plastic baggy in the air. “Is this what all the fuss is about?”

TV studio lights begin to flicker and fade.

Copyright © 2008–2010 by Robert W. Armijo


Brit Hume Wishes Gulf Oil Spill into ‘The Cornfield’

FOX TV --

Brit Hume, host of Fox News Sunday, took to the airwaves over the weekend insisting that the ocean is big enough to absorb the British Petroleum (BP) oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

“I don’t see any oil spill, do you?” rhetorically asked Brit Hume as he sat opposite journalist, Juan Williams. “In fact, I’m beginning to wonder if this is not all some kind of elaborate liberal hoax.”

“Pardon me?” replied Juan Williams, struggling to maintain a professional demeanor.

“And if there is an oil slick, so what?” continued Brit Hume. “Millions of barrels of oil naturally leak into the oceans of the world every year. And that’s not counting all that Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil either.”

A stunned Juan Williams looked on. His eyes slowly glazing over, while trying to remain engaged. Inside an internal struggle was taking place as he reflected over the span of his journalistic career, questioning his decision to be in the same room with Brit Hume, let alone interview him on national TV regarding quite possibly the worst manmade ecological peacetime disaster in history. Wondering what would be the consequences, not only for himself but his profession as well for their participation in trying to pass off this kabuki style theater for news. Then he thought, “Nah, its just FOX.”

“And if I may, isn’t the Gulf of Mexico like a giant cornfield?” Brit Hume resumed. “And I bet if we all wished real hard, we could wish it there. Wouldn’t that be a good thing? Wouldn’t that be a real good thing?”

“Huh?” said Juan Williams, suddenly coming out of his hypnotic like trace, nervously looking around the TV studio for direction.

“And while we’re at it, we could wish all the liberals there too,” Brit Hume added, looking directly at Juan Williams, who was busy tapping his earpiece linking him to the control room. “Say Juan. You’re not a liberal, are you?”

As beads of sweat ran down his face, Juan Williams stood up from behind his desk, removing his earpiece. And as he held up his hands to the camera, he watched himself slowly begin to fade away.


Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Photo by Peter Griffin http://www।publicdomainpictures.net/browse-author.php?a=296

BP to Plug Oil Well Using Golf Balls, Used Tires and iPod Zombies

New York, New York --

British Petroleum (BP) has announced today that it intends to cap the run away undersea oil well in the Gulf of Mexico beginning next week, using golf balls, used tires and iPod Zombies in an attempt to stop the gusher.

“We’re ready to go,” said a BP official, standing before a chart marked “Plan C” illustrating the plugging of the broken pipe with golf balls, used tires and darkened human silhouettes wearing the trademarked iPod white ear buds, taken from its very popular print media ad campaign. “However, in order to plug the well, we need something with a little buoyancy to it. And let’s face it, iPod Zombies provide just that.”

According to BP they have already begun rounding up iPod Zombies, picking them up jogging along the roadside, doing the wash at the laundromat and working on their screenplays at local caf├ęs; holding them in the hull of a hollowed out oil tanker somewhere offshore along the Louisiana coastline for transport.

“We setup a track and espresso bar for them. And made it Wi-Fi accessible,” said BP, claiming they have not received any complaints or missing persons reports. “So they’re very cooperative.”

BP testing proved that the iPod Zombies were able to endure the bone crushing depths and near zero temperature in the oxygen depleted waters one mile beneath the surface of the Gulf of Mexico.

“We’ve learned it’s all about making the right music selection,” BP said. “With the right song playing in their ears, iPod Zombies are either sufficiently distracted or highly motivated to do just about anything.”

Critics remain skeptical that BP’s latest attempt to stem the flow of oil will succeed.

“Sadly, BP’s iPod Zombie solution to the problem will only last as long as the batteries,” voiced one critic.


Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo