Ripley’s Believe It or Not Awards Special Counsel Mueller’s Russian Probe “Longest Witch Hunt Ever!”

"Told You So. No [BLEEP] Russian
Collusion. All Fun Fake News." 

-- Washington, DC

By Robert W. Armijo

Lasting 675 days, the special counsel Mueller investigation into the alleged collusion of then President-Elect Trump with Russia to win the 2016 presidential election is officially the longest witch hunt in world history. 

“By comparison, the Salem witch hunt and trials only lasted one year and three months, while special counsel Mueller’s Russian probe lasted one year, 10 months and six days,” said a spokesman for Ripley’s Believe It or Not.

Although not yet confirmed by the White House, Ripley’s Believe It or Not is planning to present the award to special counsel Mueller during a ceremony at the Rose Garden.

“There my honored [BLEEP] guests will be served magpie [crow] pies for lunch specially prepared by my personal cooking staff,” Tweeted President Trump. “That’s right magpie pie. NOT humble pie, because it’s too [BLEEP] late for that.” 

Copyright © 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Photo(s) Courtesy of wpclipart

Convicted Perjurer and Felon Michael Cohan Testifies Before Congress Again -- Taking a “Double Pinky-Swear” That He’s Telling the Truth This Time Around

-- Washington, D.C.

By Robert W. Armijo

For the first time in Congressional history, a Congressional Committee heard testimony regarding alleged violations of the law by the President of the United States of American while seated in Office from his former personal attorney, Michael Cohan -- A man convicted of perjury for lying to Congress. Nevertheless, Cohan was allowed to testify before Congress for the second time, while waiting to begin his three year sentence for lying to a similar Congressional body just months before... 

“Mr. Cohan,” said the Democratic chair of the of the Democratic majority committee. “Do you hereby swear that the testimony you’re about to give here today is the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?”

“Yes,” said Cohan.

“Sergeant-at-arms,” said the Democratic chair.  “You may administer the ‘Double Pinky-Swear’ oath to Mr. Cohan now.”

“Objection!” said a Republican member of the committee.

“Yes. The chair recognizes my esteemed colleague,” said the Democratic chair.

“‘Double Pinky-Swear’oath?” said the Republican, while shuffling through papers before him. “I don’t see that anywhere in the rules.”

“That’s because we changed the rules last night?” replied the chair.

“Why wasn’t I notified?” asked the visibly frustrated Republican.

“You weren't?” replied the chair, sincerely surprised. “It was all over CNN last night.”

“I don’t watch CNN,” said the Republican. 

“Well, maybe you should start,” said the chair. “You my proceed Sergeant-at-arms.”

After being administered the ‘Double Pinky-Swear’ oath, Cohan took questions from the committee.

“Mr. Cohan have you ever heard of the phrase ‘Liar, liar. Pants on fire, hanging from a telephone wire.’?” asked the the same Republican that objected earlier.  

“No, sir,” said Cohan.

“You're telling me right here and now while under oath that you never heard that phrase from childhood before?”

“No, sir,” repeated Cohan. “I don’t believe I have.”   

“Well, how do we know you’re not lying about that right now?” asked the Republican. “After all, it’s a common phrase from childhood.”

“Because,” replied Cohan.

“Because?” repeated the Republican with a look of bewilderment on his face.

“Yes. Because,” again repeated Cohan, while clearing his throat.

“Allow me to intervene a moment,” said the Democratic chair.  “Don’t you mean Mr. Cohan that you cross your heart and hope to die and stick a needle in your eye that you’re telling the truth here today?” 

“Yes, sir,” said Cohan. “I cross my heart. Hope to die. Stick a needle in my eye that I’m telling the truth here today.”

“All that are satisfied that Mr. Cohan is really, really telling the truth to us this time around signify by saying 'Olly olly oxen free,” said the chair.

After taking a quick vote.

“The Olly's have it,” announced the chair. “You may continue with your truthful testimony here today, Mr. Cohan.”

Meanwhile, back in Vietnam, POTUS 45 tries to turn back the arms on the Doomsday clock..


Photo(s) Courtesy of Wikipedia and

Copyright © 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Rose Parade Prometheus Themed Float Catches Fire!

"Boy. I Just Can't Seem to Catch
a Break like...EVER! Could Use a Good
Hard Drink Right About Now." 
By Robert W. Armijo

“Making a Difference’ was the theme of this year’s Rose Parade,” said a Rose Parade official.  “That’s why we approved the conditional use of controlled, confined and contained fire on the float that caught fire. After all, the Titan Prometheus certainly made a difference when he gifted fire to mankind.”

Although Rose Parade officials are activity looking for the float designer for questioning, he is no where to be found.

“He must have get wind of our intention to fine him for delaying the Rose Parade and starting an open fire without a permit,” said a Rose Parade official.

Despite the disapproval of Rose Parade officials, many spectators were entertained by the spectacle.

“Unsuspecting spectators, thought they were witnessing the latest state-of-the-art special effects of Rose Parade float technology, stood up and applauded,” said a fireman to who responded the over 20 million 911 phone calls from around the country and world.

Still other spectators run up to the float, which was fully engulfed in flames, with sticks and marshmallows.

“They sat around the burning float signing camp songs and made S’mores,” said police.   

“Most people just took off their gloves and mittens and stretched out their hands to warm them up,” said one Rose Parade spectator. 

Photo(s) courtesy of 

Copyright (c) by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

"Soylent Green is [Gingerbread] People!?"

"Hey! The Shlemiel Who Stole My Schmeckel 
Made Me a Shlemazl!"
-- Hollywood, California

By Robert W. Armijo

In attempt to ride on the coattails of the latest internet and late night talk show hosts "Gingerbread People" left-wing culture war on Christmas meme, MGM who owns the intellectual property rights to the 1973 sci-fi dystopian classic "Soylent Green" movie is planing to re-release the film with an audio edit of the famous climatic big reveil ending.

"We adding the word 'gingerbread' to the final scene," said a spokesman for MGM. 

So instead of the audience hearing "Soylent Green is People!" as uttered by Detective Thorn played by Charleston Heston. They will hear, "Soylent Green is Gingerbread People!"  

Copyright @ 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of

“Smokey the Bear’s Head Will Be Mounted Over the White House Fireplace Mantel for This,” Vows President Trump, continuing to blame California’s Wildfires on Poor Forest Management

Angeles National Forest, California  --

By Robert W. Armijo

While standing with the governor of California, Jerry Brown Jr. and governor-elect, Gavin Newsom at an outdoor  press conference against the backdrop of still smoldering wildfire debris, President Trump signed a death warrant authorizing the assassination for the first American citizen on U.S. soil by the federal government as authorized under the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA).

“There,” said President Trump. “Smokey the Bear’s head will be mounted over the White House fireplace mantel for this."

According the White House, Smoke the Bear is directly responsible for mismanagement of California’s forests, resulting in its historical wildfires.

“As I speak,” said President Trump. “A Predator drone is flying high up above our heads scanning this crowd with its facial recognition technology, looking in its vast, vast data banks of every American citizen’s face for a match with the wildfire terrorist, Smokey the Bear.”

Suddenly, a hellfire missile streaked across the blue sky and into the adjacent forest causing a giant explosion and ensuing forest fire.

“Looks like Smokey the Bear just got smoked,” jokingly said President Trump, as several fire engines turned on their sirens and headed off in the direction of the plume.

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of

CNN Reporter Accuses White House of Weaponizing His Press Pass -- “Funny, It Never Smelled This Funky Before,” Says Jim Acosta

Has the White House Weaponized Press Passes?

Washington DC --

By Robert W. Armijo

"Jim Acosta is happy that the Trump administration has chosen to comply with the court ordered return of his press pass," said spokesmen for CNN. 

However, the distressed reporter has reportedly filed yet another complaint with the White House, asking that a new press pass be issued, as his old one has allegedly been compromised.

“Funny, it [press pass] never smelled this funky before,” said Jim Acosta, who filed a lawsuit against the Trump administration for allegedly breaching his First Amendment Rights when his press pass was revoked after he challenged the president’s authority by refusing to yield a press core microphone to a White House intern and take a seat.

Jim Acosta claims his press pass smells so bad that other reporters cannot remain in the same room with him for too long of a period.

“I can’t stand it myself,” Jim Acosta acknowledged, while wearing a clothespin on his nose. “However, I have no choice. I have to wear it. Or White House security won’t let me into the press room to ask President Trump my followup question at his next press conference: if he still thinks his anti-caravan rhetoric isn't divisive and racists?”

“Look. We [the press] all support Jim standing up for his First Amendment Right to ask President Trump loaded questions and all that jazz,” said a fellow colleague, who asked to remain anonymous.  “But if he walks into the press room wearing that stinky press pass, we’re filing for a restraining order, keeping him one-hundred yards downwind of us.”

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) courtesy of

CNN's Jim Acosta Played by George Clooney in New “George Clooney Defends the First Amendment Against President Trump” the Movie

George Clooney Saves Free Speech

By Robert W. Armijo

Movie star actor turned political activist, George Clooney, announced today that he will be writing, directing, executive producing and playing the lead role of CNN reporter, Jim Acosta, in a new movie he is making on defending free speech in American under the Trump Administration.

“Nothing," said George Clooney at a press conference.  "I repeat. Nothing is more important to me than defending free speech in America.” 

A reporter then questioned George Clooney about his seemingly feigning  interest in Darfur.

“Of course, that’s still important to me,” George Clooney replied, as he rolled back his eyes. "That's why I married Amal. She's got my back."

Another reporter then questioned George Clooney about his personal war on the paparazzi.

“Really?” replied a visibly upset George Clooney. “You guys are going to bring that [BLEEP] up? You guys are disgusting. Aren't you guys ever going to let that go? I thought you’d have more relevant questions for me. Like how uncanny it is that Jim and I look so much alike. In fact, that’s what gave me the idea for the movie.”

George Clooney then called Jim Acosta up to the podium.

“Come up here, Jim,” said George Clooney.

“But I have several questions to ask you, George," said a bewildered looking, Jim Acosta.

"Hey, what did I tell you?" rhetorically asked George Clooney of Jim Acosta.

"Yes, Mr. Clooney," answered, Jim Acosta. "But what about my questions?" 

“You can ask them later,” said George Clooney. 

George Clooney then ran down the aisle, grabbing Jim Acosta's arm, leading him back to the podium. 

However, Jim Acosta resisted for a moment, refusing to relinquish the microphone.

"Really, Jim?" said a frustrated, George Clooney. "You want to try this crap on me? I'm not the [BLEEPING] President of the United States, you know. I'm [BLEEPING] George [BLEEPING] Clooney."

“See?” said George Clooney as he posed cheek-to-cheek next to Jim Acosta back at the podium. “We look like twins.”

George Clooney then pulled his cell phone out from his pants and held it out in front of himself and Jim Acosta.

“I’m taking a selfie of this [BLEEP],” said George Clooney. “It's [BLEEPING] uncanny.”

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of

"Glitter Booty" Helps Wife Catch Cheating Hubby

Hollywood, California --

By Robert W. Armijo

“I had suspected that my husband was cheating on me with his secretary for years,” said Mrs. Andersen. “But I never could find the proof.”

Mrs. Andersen said her husband would deny having an affair every time she confronted him with the accusation; until one day, while taking a shower, she discovered something sparkly running down her legs and down the drain.

“What’s this?” Mrs. Andersen thought to herself, as she held out her index finger with a cluster of purple glitter booty on the tip of it.

Suddenly, Mrs. Andersen’s eyes grew wider, as if she had an epiphany.

Mrs. Andersen immediately dropped her towel, sat down on the toilet and reached for a hand held mirror.

She paused a moment and took a deep breath before taking a look.

“I screamed so loud, my neighbor came knocking on my front door, asking if I was alright,” said Mrs. Andersen.

Mrs. Andersen is not the only wife to discover with the help of glitter booty  that their husband was cheating on them.

Mrs. Chapmen also discovered with the help of glitter booty that her husband was cheating on her as well.

“Every time I’d confront him, he would deny it,” said Mrs. Chapmen. “Even telling me it was my period talking.”

However, one evening, after sharing an intimate moment with her husband, Mrs. Chapmen got up to brush her teeth.

As Mrs. Chapmen reached for her toothbrush, she looked up into the bathroom mirror and noticed a ring of glitter booty all round her mouth.

“I said, ‘What the BLEEP is this?’” said Mrs. Chapmen.

Suddenly, Mrs. Chapmen’s eyes widened as well, as if she too had an epiphany.

Mrs. Chapmen also screamed so loud that her neighbor came knocking on her front door, asking her if she was alright.

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Tracy Morgan Criticizes SLN’s Mockery of Wounded Vet

Tracy Morgan puts his foot
in his mouth...again?
New York, New York --

By Robert W. Armijo

“I personally wouldn’t have made such an insensitive  joke,” said Tracy Morgan during a TV interview on a morning talk show regarding a fellow SNL cast member, Pete Davidson,  who came under fire for having made fun at the expense of wounded veteran, Dan Crenshaw,  who lost an eye in the service of his country.

“I would have said something more classy like, ‘Why are you wearing an eye patch?” said Tracy Morgan. “’Is it because you’re gay?’"

“What!?” exclaimed the interviewer, as they spit out their coffee.  

“Yeah," replied Tracy Morgan. "Everybody knows eye patches are so gay." 

In fact, Tracy Morgan's son tried dressing up as a pirate this Halloween before he was grounded.

"But I didn’t let him," said Tracy Morgan. "Because I told him only gay people wear eye patches.”

“Why would you say that?” asked the perplexed interviewer, as they soaked up the coffee from their clothes with a paper towel. 

“Because everybody knows pirates are gay,” said Tracy Morgan, sighing as he  explained. “Why else would they always be talking about booty?”

The TV camera quickly cut to a commercial break as another plume of brown mist once again filled the studio air.

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

SNL’s Pete Davidson Apologizes to Male Porn Stars -- Not Wounded GOP War Vets!

-- New York, New York

By Robert W. Armijo

Kowtowing to the mounting pressure from the porno industry, SNL’s Pete Davidson apologized to male porn star performers everywhere for comparing them to GOP congressional candidate and wounded Afghanistan war veteran, Dan Crenshaw, who lost an eye in the service of his country.  

“It was never my intent to make a mockery of one-eyed eye patch wearing male porn stars and their fine service to the pornography industry,” said Pete Davidson at a press conference held at the very same ‘Weekend Update’ desk on the set of SNL.

“I mean how would men or women know when to get off if, it weren’t for the ‘money shot’ generously and self-sacrificingly provided by male porn stars?” said Pete Davidson. “I mean with women, you don’t know. They could be faking it. But with guys, you know. Because of the ‘money shot’. You know?”

Pete Davidson seemed to acknowledge his folly right from the get go.

“As soon as those words left my mouth,” said Pete Davidson. “I knew I would regret them.”

Reportedly, Pete Davidson had somewhat of a near death experience, while he spoke those hurtful words of hate speech.

“It was like I was in a war zone and IED exploded in my face,” said a remorseful Pete Davidson. “I saw every porn movie I ever watched flash right before my eyes.”

A visibly shaken Pete Davidson paused a moment before continuing.

“All that jizz flowing through the air as thick as bullets,” said a verklempt Pete Davidson. "It brought tears to my eyes." 

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo courtesy of