Occupy Time Square [Countdown] Ball?

New York, New York --

Acting on Internet chatter allegedly picked up from a group of protestors described as a splinter cell, which supposedly broke off from the Occupy Wall Street movement earlier last month, the NYPD announced today that they have uncovered secret plans to disrupt this year’s New Year’s Eve Time Square celebration, using an Occupy-Style protest.

“The Occupy Wall Street splinter cell is calling their planned protest: ‘Operation Occupy New Year's Eve Time Square Countdown Ball’,” said police.

However, the NYPD has another name for the unlawful act of civil disobedience, naming after the splitter cell.

“They call themselves, ‘The Possums,’” said police. “So we’re calling the planned protest: 'Operation Possum Drop.”

According to the NYPD, “The Possums” formed shortly after the police raid on Zuccotti Park last month. Splintering from the main body of Occupy Wall Street, planning to occupy the Time Square Countdown Ball ever since.

The city’s Department of Public Works has confirmed that the interior of the countdown ball is hollow. And more than capable of accommodating several people, though its structure mostly consists of aluminum, glass and light bulbs.

“But don’t let that fool you, it’s very sturdy,” said Sonia Santana, a city engineer who is responsible for inspecting the countdown ball. “In fact, it has a posted three person maximum capacity.”

Mrs. Santana, who has personally been inside the jubilant sphere while it was being dropped, claims the ride down is as smooth as any elevator.

“But I’ve only been dropped during testing,” said Mrs. Santana. “I’ve never been dropped on New Year’s Eve before.”

To ensure the New Year’s Eve celebration will be carried off without a hitch, Mrs. Santana will be riding inside the countdown ball. Accompanied by two policemen.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Another “Occupy Wall Street” Joke

A conservative mother sent off her adult liberal son, a recent college graduate, to join the Occupy Wall Street movement with her blessing. Somewhat surprised, the son couldn’t resist asking his mother why she changed her mind. The mother abruptly replied, “Because, you’ve been living in the basement for over a year now. Time to go occupy someplace else.”


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Occupy Wall Street Calling: Send ‘Snuggies’ to Defy Ban on Sleeping Bags and Tents at Zuccotti Park

New York, New York –

Ironically described as the freedom blanket, the Snuggy now has a chance to live up to its commercial characterization. As Occupy Wall Street protestors are calling for hundreds of the unisex body-length sleeved coverings to be sent to them in order to be in compliance with authority’s latest attempt to squish the so-called “Anti-Wall Street” movement by prohibiting sleeping bags and tents in Zuccotti Park.

“With the Snuggies, we’ll be in compliance with the current ban on sleeping bags and tents,” said an occupier wearing a red, white and blue Snuggy, while handing out Snuggies to others. “And more importantly, we won’t freeze to death in the process.”

However, protestors are under no illusion that making the request for Snuggies will halt police and city officials from harassing them.

“It’s a stopgap measure,” said another occupier. “Designed to cover the occupiers, while exposing the hypocrisy of the police and city officials. Forcing them to come up with even more ridiculous excuses in an attempt to arrest this experiment called democracy.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Crosby and Nash Perform “♪Back in the USSR♪” at “Occupy Wall Street”

New York, New York –

Sharing a senior drug induced purple haze psychedelic groovy moment, Crosby and Nash -- the two surviving members from the 1960s rock group Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young -- performed “♪Back in the USSR♪” for “Occupy Wall Street” today, initially drawing a mixed reaction from the audience.

“Thank you, comrades,” said Crosby and Nash after they finished singing “Back in the USSR”.

The controversial song ending a set of other iconic drug songs from the 1960s, which Crosby and Nash played including: “Alice” and the “Yellow Submarine”.

Uncertain how to react, however, the folks at “Occupy Wall Street” responded with a spattering of reluctant applause and some vocal protest to the song’s obvious political overtones.

“I was with you guys right up to that last song,” shouted out an occupier dressed in a business suit and carrying an attaché case.

“What do you mean?” yelled back another occupier wearing a poncho and sporting dreadlocks. “Back in the USSR’ is a Rock ’n’ Roll classic, mon.”

“Yeah, but it makes us look like we’re an anti-capitalism movement. When we’re clearly not,” replied the occupier in a suit. “Right?”

“Don’t tell me you’re for the mon, mon,” said the occupier in dreadlocks.

The argument between the two occupiers became so heated that it drew the attention of Crosby and Nash.

“Hey, dudes!” said Crosby. “Take a chill pill, man.”

“Yeah,” said Nash. “Like, what’s your problem anyway?”

The two men explained how the last song divided them along socio-economic lines, political idealism and class warfare. And requested that the two musicians end their acoustic jam on a song that would unite them instead.

“Sure,” said Nash. “We can do that.”

“Yeah, man. That’s what we’re here for, man,” said Crosby.

“What should we play?” Nash said turning to Crosby. “Like what one song would unify this diversified sea of humanity?”

Crosby looked down at the ground, as if in deep thought. His eyes suddenly catching the end of a nearly spent joint [a marijuana cigarette] he dropped earlier. Reaching down to the floor to pick it up, it spontaneously lit up at the end of his fingertips.

“I got it, mon,” said Crosby to Nash, exhaling a cloud of the hallucinogenic into Nash’s face.

“What?” replied Nash, taking in a deep breath and holding it in awhile before releasing it. “Oh yeah, right…But what about the song?”

“Just follow my led, mon,” said Crosby, handing over the marijuana cigarette butt to Nash.

“You got it,” replied Nash as he took a drag on the funny cigarette too. “You got it, mon.”

“♪Puff the Magic Dragon♪” the two spontaneously broke out singing in perfect unison, which was quickly echoed by the ‘People’s Mic’.

“♪PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON♪” sang all in Zuccotti Park as they held hands, swaying back and forth to the beat of the music. “♪LIVED BY THE SEA…”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

An “Occupy Wall Street” Joke

With so many people around the world calling in orders for all kinds of pizza pie to be delivered to the folks down at “Occupy Wall Street”, a poll was recently conducted among the protestors to find out which one was their favorite. Their answer: Occu-Pie.


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Hungry Muppet Starts “Occupy Sesame Street”

Sesame Street --

Lily, Sesame Street’s newest character that was introduced to the socially conscious children’s TV show this year to deal with the subject of food insecurity, has become radicalized by the “Occupy Wall Street” movement, intent on starting one of her own.

Early this morning, stagehands turned on the studio lights to find Lily (the so-called hungry Muppet) camped out on the cold floor of the Sesame Street set.

“She must have sneaked back into the studio sometime last night,” said a stagehand.

“Actually, I never left,” explained a reserved Lily from inside her tent as she counted the number of donated canned goods she has left to see her through the week. “I just hung around ‘til everybody left for home. I guess that’s one good thing about being poor. No body wants to see you.”

Taped to the outside of Lily’s tent is an official looking notice from the producers of the show, telling her she has a few days to fold up her tent and clear out.

“They say it’s for my own good,” said Lily. “Because of santa...santadiction [sanitation].”

“Oh really,” said Oscar the Grouch from his weathered garbage can. “So now they care about sanitation conditions?”

Oscar the Grouch is a longtime character on Sesame Street who has been living in a waste disposal unit for years. He fully supports Lily in her cause. And openly questions the reason producers are giving her for taking down her tent.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” said Oscar the Grouch, sliding his trashcan lid to the side. “I’ve been living on Sesame Street in my own filth as long as I can remember. And no body has ever mentioned the word sanitation. Not even the letter ‘S’, let alone ever trying to evict me from here.”

“Maybe that’s because you’re so poor you’re invisible,” said Lily.

“Yeah,” said Oscar the Grouch, rubbing his chin as if he had an epiphany. “Yeah, I think you're right…Say, Lily, you got any room in your tent for me?”

“What?” replied Lily. “Are you kidding? Get out of here you filthy homeless bum.”

“Gee-whiz,” said Oscar the Grouch. “You don’t have to be so nasty about it. You act as if you had a hand stuck up your [BLEEP] or something.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

“Occupy North Pole”?

Anchorage, Alaska –

A small but militant group of Elves marched out of Santa’s Workshop today, headed to the North Pole bent on occupying it. Putting to rest any speculation in the Main Street media that “Occupy Wall Street” will not be able to weather the weather, enduring the coming chilly months.

“Not to worry,” reassured an Elf, tossing a knapsack over his shoulder. “We’ll take up the cross. And carry it till spring comes and the snow thaws in New York City.”

“I love the jolly old guy,” said another defiant Elf, justifying the actions of the group. “But let’s face it, Santa is apart of the one percent.”

Santa’s Elves recently joined the occupy movement after watching the “Occupy Wall Street” movement take root around the world on TV, realizing that their jobs had been shipped abroad to China, Mexico and India.

“I’m a craftself by trade,” said an Elf, who became emotional. “With these hands and this tiny hammer, I use to cobble toy trains out of wood. Now, all I do is unload plastic ones from China.”

The contingent of rebellious Elves revealed they have a never before tried act of civil disobedience that is teargas resistant, guaranteeing that they will not be dislodged from the North Pole.

“We plan to lick it,” an Elf disclosed. “That way our tongues will get stuck to it. And nobody will be able to move us.”

At last word, Santa threatened to dispatch some gnomes with kettles of hot water. However, the Elves are confident they will be able to convince them to join the occupy movement.

“They’ve been working without a labor contract just like us,” said an Elf, as he and the others positioned themselves in a circle around the North Pole, arms interlocked and tongues extended. “Sow weare’re phoepeasting fr em tu.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
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Obama Asks for an “Occupy Wall Street” Style “People’s Mic Check” at a Campaign Fundraising Dinner

Los Angeles, California –

So inspired by the “Occupy Wall Street” movement’s democratic “People’s Mic” way of communicating, by having a group of people repeat what a speaker is saying, because the New York Police Department prohibited the use of bullhorns or electronic public address system in Zuccotti Park. President Barack Obama decided to try it out himself.

After briefly explaining to the posh, well-to-do businessmen and celebrities in attendance at his campaign fundraising gala what the “People Mic” phenomena is all about and how it works, President Obama began his address.

“Mic Check!” said the president, standing at a podium without a microphone attached.

“MIC CHECK!” echoed back the audience (or People’s Mic), with the sole exception of a row of tables way in the back.

Obama again called out, “Mic Check!”

Again everyone in the audience, except for the row of tables in the back, repeated after the president, “MIC CHECK!”

“Now can I get a ‘People’s Mic Check’ just from the folks in the back?” asked an impatient Obama.

Again the president could hear from everyone in the audience, except for the row of tables in the back, as the People’s Mic repeated, “NOW CAN I GET A ‘PEOPLE’S MIC CHECK’ JUST FROM THE FOLKS IN THE BACK?”

“No, no,” said the president, scolding the People’s Mic. “I just want to hear from the people in the back now.”

“NO, NO,” echoed the People’s Mic. “I JUST WANT TO HEAR FROM THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK NOW.”

Obama grimaced at the People’s Mic, giving them the cut it gesture. Rapidly waving his hand across his throat.

Finally, someone from the back row of dinning tables stood up and spoke out.

“Are you addressing us?” asked a man in the back.

“Yeah,” responded the president as he paused a moment to stare down the People’s Mic, making sure it was turned off.

“That’s right,” continued Obama. “You people in the back sitting at the $1,000-a-plate cheep seat section. You’ll have to speak up, because I can hear the $7,500-a- plate section just fine. But not you guys.”

Then a man in the front row stood up and asked Obama, “What about us?”

“WHAT ABOUT US?” the People’s Mic repeated, uncertain if they spoke out of turn.

“Don’t worry,” replied the president, giving a thumbs up to the People’s Mic to be turned back on. “You folks in the $38,500-a-plate section are coming in loud and clear.”

“DON’T WORRY,” echoed the People’s Mic. “YOU FOLKS IN THE $38,500-A-PLATE SECTION ARE COMING IN LOUD AND CLEAR.”


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Egypt’s Mubarak on “Occupy [Insert City Here]” Arrests: Sanitation? Really?! Damn! Why Didn’t I think of That?!

Cairo, Egypt –

As the former Egyptian autocrat, Hosni Mubarak, flipped through channels on his satellite TV, using a remote from his prison hospital bed, he watched in shock and awe police successfully clearing out the encamped protestors at “Occupy Oakland” and other cities across America.

Turning to a former aide, he reportedly commented: “Sanitation? Really?! Damn! Why didn’t I think of that?!”

“Who knew Democracy could get that dirty,” his aide replied. “Besides, you opted for a military crackdown and henchmen on camel back with whips, remember?”

“Yes, I remember,” Mubarak replied, as he tuned to one side, allowing a nurse to change his bedpan. “I shouldn have listened to the Americans and gone with the flow. I’d probably still be in power right now.”

“You had no choice,” comforted the aide.

“I know. I know,” said Mubarak. “But why didn’t I think of it on my own?”

“Sanitation,” the aide reintroduced the subject into the conversation. “You mean?”

“Yeah,” said Mubarak. “It’s such a rational excuse to crush a peaceful opposition to oppression. Sanitation, sanitation, sanitation!”

“Like sweeping dust under the carpet?” replied the aide.

“Yeah, it even sounds noble, as if saving the martyrs from themselves,” reflected Mubarak. “Gee, I wish I would have gone with that instead.”

“Not to mention that it would have played so well in the state controlled media and polls too,” added the aide.

“Don’t remind me,” said Mubarak.

After an uncomfortable pause, Mubarak spoke again.

“I have to ask,” he said. “What do you think the end game would have been like?”

“I really don’t know,” replied the aide. “You had the state controlled media arrested and all the pollsters shot.”

“Oh, yeah,” said Mubarak. “I remember now…By the way, what were the poll results. What were the peoples’ concerns? Jobs? Falling wages? The economy? Foreclosures? Student loans? Healthcare? What?”

“Sanitation, maybe?” reluctantly answered the aide.

“Sanitation?” said Mubarak. “Really?!”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
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Occupy Oakland Served a Predawn Pancake Breakfast by Police; Free Speech Zone Relocated to City Jail

San Francisco, California –

In the early predawn hours today, a cadre of law enforcement officers made up of different branches from surrounding police departments in the bay area gently awoke members of Occupy Oakland encamped at Oscar Grant Plaza and Snow Park.

“Each were individually escorted by a cop who acted as a personal concierge,” said the commanding officer.

Occupy Oakland protestors were then treated to a pancake breakfast, which was prepared and served to them by police wearing aprons over their riot gear.

“We weren’t sure how they would react when they found out we forgot the maple syrup. Or being forcibly relocated to a new free speech zone situated in the metropolitan detention facility,” said the commanding officer from under his gas mask, wearing an apron which read: Complaints to the Cook Can Be Hazardous to Your Health.

So the commanding officer took the extra precaution of having his officers suit up.

Sure enough, just as one of the protestors asked for maple syrup, violence erupted.

“Hey everybody!” yelled out an ungrateful protestor gathering the attention and ire of the motley crew. “They forgot the maple syrup!”

“Yeah,” echoed another protestor with his complaint. Getting up to stand on the breakfast table to make his point. “And my eggs are runny, too!”

“That’s it,” said the commanding officer, ordering his officers to move in on the unlawful assembly. “My men and me didn’t wakeup at three o’clock in the morning to slave over a hot plate to get treated like this.”


Copyright © 2011-2008 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Mitt Romney Sends Delegation to Occupy ‘Occupy Wall Street’

New York, New York –

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney took time out of his busy schedule today to send a delegation with a single demand to the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protestors encamped at Zuccotti Park, New York.

“Romney delegates will camp along side ‘Occupy Wall Street’ to make his message clear,” said a spokesman for Romney. “Only they will be doing it as protesters, instead of protestors.”

“My demand is a simple and a fair one,” said Mitt Romney at a press conference. “Let corporations join! They’re people too! Folks just like me and you.”

Mitt Romney vows that his delegation will remain in Zuccotti Park with the other protestors until they recognize corporations as people, as he does.

“Since Mitt Romney’s delegate consists of human beings,” said a spokesman for ‘Occupy Wall Street’. “We’re bound by our policy of inclusiveness to bring the matter before the general assembly for a vote.”

Unfortunately for Mitt Romney, the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ general assembly reached a consensus not to allow corporations to join their movement.

The Romney delegation then voted to disband and join in with ‘Occupy Wall Street’.

Even becoming the most vocal members of the People’s Mic [microphone] -- A process of repeating the spoken word of a human being through people’s voices without the assistance of electric or other artificial amplification.

“THE DAY THAT TEXAS EXECUTES A CORPORATION,” echoed the People’s Mic. “IS THE DAY WE WILL BELIEVE CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE.”

“Wow!” Mitt Romney reacted upon hearing the rejection of his demand voiced by the People’s Mic, consisting of members of his former delegation. “Now that’s irony even I can appreciate.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Zuccotti Park’s Homeless Evicted by ‘Occupy Wall Street’

New York, New York –

A group of homeless people from Zuccotti Park (ground zero of the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement) showed up at a New York City police precinct today, demanding justice.

“They said they wanted us to arrest the protestors in Zuccotti Park for illegally evicting them from their home,” said police.

“I miss my bench!” read one of the signs held up by the homeless.

“Who’s feeding the pigeons?” read another.

“Who’s watering the gardenias?” read still another.

Turned away by police, the homeless decided to take matters into their own hands, holding a general assembly of their own. After a few minutes, they came to a consensus.

Standing on the sidewalk opposite Zuccotti Park, the homeless marched in a demonstration of their very own. Holding up signs which read: “Occupy, Occupy Wall Street Now!”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

‘Occupy Wall Street’ Infiltrated By Agent Provocateur ‘V’; Short-Circuits the ‘People’s Mic’

New York, New York –

Prohibited by police from using an electronic public address system, ‘Occupy Wall Street’ has devised a clever way to spread the word among the protestors. It is called: the “People’s Microphone”, or the “People’s Mic” for short.

“We repeat aloud what the speaker is saying to the general assembly,” explained a protestor.

And it was during a general assembly held daily, using the “People’s Mic” that the group was awakened to the realization that an agent provocateur was amongst them.

“We were in the middle of reading the previous day’s minutes when we caught ourselves voting to disband,” said a member of the general assembly, who found he was standing next to the agent provocateur, but did not know it. “He waited for the speaker to pause before speaking out.”

“He looked legitimate to me,” said another member of the general assembly, describing the physical appearance of the agent provocateur. “He was wearing a Guy Fawkes mask, black boots, gloves, cape and hat. Just like ‘V’ in that movie, V for Vendetta.”

Slowly, agent provocateur V rose up amongst the crowd, ready to spread his chaos.

“All those that are in favor of calling it quits, please signal now by waving your fingers in the air,” said the agent provocateur V, which was immediately echoed by the People’s Mic. Believing it was the general assembly’s speaker speaking.

The People’s Mic Repeated in Chorus:

“All those that are in favor of calling it quits, please signal now by waving your fingers in the air.”

Members of the general assembly just looked at each other bewildered by the announcement.

“What, wait?” said the general assembly speaker. “I didn’t say that.”

The People’s Mic Repeated in Chorus:

“What, wait? I didn’t say that.”

As everybody looked around trying to see who misspoke, the agent provocateur V ducked down temporally disappearing in the crowd.

“Apparently somebody misspoke,” said the general assembly speaker. “So please disregard that call for a vote to disband, okay?”

The People’s Mic Repeated in Chorus:

“Apparently somebody misspoke. So please disregard that call for a vote to disband, okay?”

Once again, the general assembly attempted to read aloud the minutes from the pervious day when the agent provocateur V struck again.

“Say,” said agent provocateur V. “Why don’t we all pull our pants down and take a dump on a cop car?”

The People’s Mic Repeated in Chorus:

“Say, why don’t we all pull our pants down and take a dump on a cop car?”

“Hey,” said the general assembly speaker. “Stop that.”

The People’s Mic Repeated in Chorus:

“Hey, stop that.”

Again, agent provocateur V disappeared into the crowd.

As the general assembly was readying to resume business again, suddenly, someone in the crowd spotted the black cloaked agent provocateur V far off in the distance.

“Look!” said a protestor, calling everyone’s attention to the direction his finger was pointing. “He’s over there. Atop that cop car taking a dump!”

The People’s Mic Repeated in Chorus:

“Look! He’s over there. Atop that cop car taking a dump!”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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‘Occupy Wall Street’ Started as a Flash Mob Mobile Phone TV Ad? But Will It End That Way Too?

New York, New York –

Forget what you heard about the socially conscious group ‘Adbusters’ giving birth to the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement.

As it turns out, the whole thing got started when a director making a TV commercial for a mobile phone company hired extras to play the role of a flash mob gathered on Wall Street.

“You may remember the first TV ad with a guy in New York’s Penn Station dancing all alone, because he didn’t get a text message in time,” said James Marcus, an on scene production assistant. “This commercial was the next installment in a series of a total of three TV ads.”

That was before ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protestors started showing up, mixing among the extras for the shoot.

In the original script, the second installment of the TV ad, the same man is playing catch up with the flash mob, only to find himself dancing all alone again.

However, the director tossed out the script when the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protestors arrived.

“By the time we finished shooting the last scene,” said the production assistant. “We found ourselves surrounded by demonstrators.”

As a result of the protestors out numbering the extras, the director began re-shooting the TV commercial, incorporating the real protestors into the latest installment of the ad.

“This time,” continued the production assistant. “Instead of having the guy dancing alone on Wall Street, as originally called for in the script. Now, we’re going to have him come across the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protestors.”

And with an extreme close-up on the man’s face, with a bewildered look on it, the audience hears a voiceover announcing: “Don’t let this happen to you.”

Now, the only trouble is the director and crew cannot find the guy in order to finish shooting the TV commercial.

“We think he may have joined the movement,” said the production assistant.


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Occupy Wall Street Joined by Crazy Old Lady Who Accused Obama of Being a Muslim

New York, New York --

Fox News has located that crazy old lady who accused Obama of being a Muslim at a John McCain’s presidential rally back in 2008. Now she is at the Occupy Wall Street protest.

“If you do not remember who she is,” said the Fox News reporter, refreshing the memory of the viewing audience. “Then maybe you’ll recall that SNL Weekend Update episode with a mumbling, bumbling old lady walking on and off the set. And between the TV cameras wearing a McCain/Palin 2008 T-shirt. Well, that caricature was based on her.”

Since her first controversial appearance on TV three years ago, however, Bertha Whitehead, 79, has kept herself busy by becoming a full-fledged member of the ultra conservative Tea Party.

“Do you still think Obama is a Muslim?” asked the Fox News reporter with tongue-in-cheek.

“No,” replied the crazy old lady. “I know he is.”

“Why have you joined Occupy Wall Street today?” asked the Fox reporter, winking into the camera. “After all, it doesn’t seem like you would have anything in common with these people.”

“Because,” replied the crazy old lady. “Wall Street has been taken over by Muslims.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.