Showing posts with label President Trump. Show all posts
Showing posts with label President Trump. Show all posts

Punxsutawney Phil Appointed to Head White House Council to Reopen America

"WTF Is Going On?!"

Washington, D.C. --

By Robert W. Armijo

Overshadowed by the news of President Trump  appointing Ivanka and Jared Kushner to the White House Council to Reopen America, the mainstream media missed the other news of the  appointment of Punxsutawney Phil to head the controversial advisory body to the president. 

The White House denies the appointment of the world famous weather predicting groundhog is a political one. 

“Punxsutawney Phil has been predicting an early or late spring since 1887 by whether or not he could see or not see his shadow,” said a White House spokesman. “The president believes the groundhog’s credentials speak for themselves and are unimpeachable.”

Critics maintain, however, that the appointment had everything to do with Punxsutawney Phil declaring an early spring earlier this year on February 2. 

“By nature, the president is an optimist,” said a White House spokesman. “So it is only natural  that he would want a fellow optimist to lead the council to reopen America. After all, the decision to reopen America is just as much an art as it is a science.”

Photo(s) courtesy of

Copyright © 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

President Trump Makes a Joke Out of Obama Era ‘New Normal’ -- Lower Your Expectations America

Washington, D.C --

By Robert W. Armijo

Q: Whatever Happened to Obama’s Welcome to the “New NormalAmerica?

A: MAGA!!!

Make America Great Again (MAGA).

Photo(s) courtesy of

Copyright (C) 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Jimmy Kimmel Going Off An All-Trump-Bashing Diet?

Right, When Pigs Fly!
Hollywood, California --

Robert W. Armijo

“I feel the American people have had enough of Trump-bashing,” said Jimmy Kimmel in a magazine article. “And by fed up with Trump-bashing, I mean my Trump-bashing.”

According to former staff members of the Jimmy Kimmel Show, Jimmy Kimmel is currently interviewing new staff writers to replace his old ones that lost their ability to be funny over the years since the election of President Trump.

“They seem to have had a collective nervous breakdown," said a former staff member.

Reportedly, Jimmy Kimmel began to notice that all his writers lost the ability to write any new material that was not President Trump related.

The opposite occurred with the last administration.

“Before President Trump,” said a former staff member. “No body would dare write a joke against the one for whom the sun rises. I mean our beloved leader. I mean President Obama.”

Apparently, last season was the last straw for Jimmy Kimmel when he stormed into a writer’s staff joke pitch meeting.

“What’s wrong with you people?” Kimmel rhetorically asked, throwing his hand up in the air. “Can’t you write anything that’s not Trump-bashing?”

Witness recall seeing writers banging their heads on the conference desk, office walls and furniture as they jibber–jabbered among themselves a slew of Trump-bashing jokes.

“Ronald McDonald called today,” one writer spoke out as if in a trance, temporally lifting his head up from the conference desk.

“I am listening,” Kimmel said.

“Yeah, he asked President Trump for his hair back,” said the writer before slamming his head down again.

Kimmel just shook his head in disbelief.

“You there, bagging your head against the wall, what do you got? Kimmel asked, calling on another writer.

“Knock-knock,” said the male writer, who continued  staring at the wall.
“Knock-knock jokes?” said Kimmel. “Is this what we are reduced to? Okay, I will play along…Who’s there?”

“Six, six, six,” replied the writer.

“Six, six, six who?” Kimmel replied.

“President Trump,” said the writer, resuming bagging his head against the wall.

Kimmel placed his face in his hands.

“Okay, you way in the back, bagging your head against the water cooler,” said Kimmel, speaking between his fingers. “What do you got for me?”

The female writer with running mascara, matted hair and smeared lipstick stopped banging her head, steadied herself against the water cool and even took a drink of water before directly addressing Kimmel.  

“You know where the Joker got the inspiration for his name?” spoke the writer in an eerily calm and collected voice. 

“Timely,” said Kimmel, smiling. “I like where this is going.”

“He got it from the ‘J’ in President Donald J. Trump,” said the writer before passing on the conference room floor.

That is when Kimmel reportedly threw his hand up in the air.

“You are all very, very sick people. Suffering from TDS or something,” Kimmel said while storming out the conference room but not before yelling out. “You’re fired!”

Photo(s) courtesy of

Copyright © 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Steve Bannon Says, “President Trump Impeached in Six Weeks and Escorted Out of the White House by Navy Seal Team Six.”

Former Senator Sends Anonymous 
Letter to Pentagon Requesting SEAL Team Six Be
Placed on Standby for 
Potential White House Eviction 
Washington, D.C. –

By Robert W. Armijo

According to former White House adviser, Steve Bannon, a former high-ranking member of the Senate has sent an anonymous  letter to the Pentagon, requesting that the infamous Navy SEAL Team Six be placed on standby to raid the White House and evict President Donald J. Trump.

Once the House impeaches him and the Senate convicts him of high crimes and misdemeanors, which is allegedly scheduled to occur within six weeks.

In the letter, the former Senate member goes on to advise that the SEAL Team Six be prepared for violence, providing them with top secret highly detailed blue prints of the off limits private living quarters of the second floor of the White House and heavily dart holed pictures of President Trump with hand drawn in red lipstick bull’s eye around the president’s face.

“A fire fight between the president’s secret service security detail and SEAL Team Six unfortunately can't be ruled out,” reportedly wrote the unnamed former Senate member. “So, maybe -- I am just saying is all -- they should go in hot [firing their weapons] using silencers, night vision and during the predawn hours, climbing up the trellis on the Rose Garden side of the White House. Thereby by avoiding any bad optics captured by any sympathetic members of the press – Just joking. The mainstream media hates him almost as much as I do.”

The former Senator justifies the preparation for such possible violence saying, “Remember, he still has the nuclear codes. And if he is not 'neutralized', he could start a nuclear war out of revenge; launching a missile attack in a desperate attempt to distract the country. Trust me, I know.” 

The unidentified former Senate member then asked the Pentagon to take appropriate measures to ensure all members of SEAL Team Six were loyal to the country and not Russian assets. 

“Maybe you could have them undergo ‘enhanced interrogation’ regarding their political views,” the unknown former Senator allergy wrote. “We have to rule out that they are not Russian assets like 2020 Democratic presidential candidate, Tulsi Gabbard.” 

The Pentagon sent a reply letter to the former Senator stating, "The so-called 'eviction' of President  Donald J. Trump of the United States America from the White House is a political process. Not a military one." 

Moments after a change in the personnel shift at the Pentagon, "Just kidding, [BLEEP]! SEAL Team Six is in the house [on the tarmac], [BLEEP]!"

Photo(s) courtesy of

Copyright © 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Sen. Mitt Romney Dispenses Advice on Twitter as “Pierre Delecto”

Washington, D.C. --

By Robert W. Armijo

Sen. Mitt Romney presently shocked the world when he disclosed that he had a secret social media account on Twitter.

While on Twitter under his nom de plume, "Pierre Delecto", Sen. Mitt Romney dispensed advice to young women, grandmothers and fellow politicians alike.

Here are just a few examples that have since been deleted from the Twitter account:

Twitter Transcript BEGINS


My training bra is causing chaffing. What can I do?

Pierre Delecto [Sen. Mitt Romney]

Switch to a sports bra. Less chaffing and better support.

My grandchildren do not like to come visit me. What can I do?

 Pierre Delecto

Have them carve out jack lanterns, roast the pumpkin seeds (lightly seasoned with cinnamon and powered sugar) in the oven, dispense ample amounts of lose change between the coach pillows and resist pinching them on the cheeks.

Donald J. Trump
How do I distract the country from my impending impeachment?

Pierre Delecto
Withdraw troops from Northern Syria.

Sleepy Joe [Sen. Biden]
People keep calling me “Sleepy Joe” and I don’t like it. What can I do?

Pierre Delecto

Get more sleep.

Ice Queen [Hillary Clinton]
How can I remain relevant in the upcoming 2020 presidential election? Run for office?

Pierre Delecto





Donald J. Trump
Hell yes!

Polar Bear2016 [Vladimir Putin]

Sleepy Joe
What? Did I miss something again?

Donald J. Trump

Go back to sleep, Sleepy Joe.

Polar Bear2016
Da, Sleepy Joe, go back to sleep.

Sleepy Joe


Donald J. Trump
How are you doing, Polar Bear2016? I haven’t heard from you in a while.

Polar Bear2016

Don’t worry my orange colored friend. You will be hearing a lot from me real soon.

Donald J. Trump
Great! I can hardly wait.

Polar Bear2016

Me too…Me too...

The Almighty Oz [Sen. Bernie Sanders]
HELLO! HELLO! IS ANYBODY OUT THERE? Alexandra, how do you work this thing?


Twitter Transcript ENDS

Photo(s) courtesy of

Copyright © 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Ripley’s Believe It or Not Awards Special Counsel Mueller’s Russian Probe “Longest Witch Hunt Ever!”

"Told You So. No [BLEEP] Russian
Collusion. All Fun Fake News." 

-- Washington, DC

By Robert W. Armijo

Lasting 675 days, the special counsel Mueller investigation into the alleged collusion of then President-Elect Trump with Russia to win the 2016 presidential election is officially the longest witch hunt in world history. 

“By comparison, the Salem witch hunt and trials only lasted one year and three months, while special counsel Mueller’s Russian probe lasted one year, 10 months and six days,” said a spokesman for Ripley’s Believe It or Not.

Although not yet confirmed by the White House, Ripley’s Believe It or Not is planning to present the award to special counsel Mueller during a ceremony at the Rose Garden.

“There my honored [BLEEP] guests will be served magpie [crow] pies for lunch specially prepared by my personal cooking staff,” Tweeted President Trump. “That’s right magpie pie. NOT humble pie, because it’s too [BLEEP] late for that.” 

Copyright © 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Photo(s) Courtesy of wpclipart

Convicted Perjurer and Felon Michael Cohan Testifies Before Congress Again -- Taking a “Double Pinky-Swear” That He’s Telling the Truth This Time Around

-- Washington, D.C.

By Robert W. Armijo

For the first time in Congressional history, a Congressional Committee heard testimony regarding alleged violations of the law by the President of the United States of American while seated in Office from his former personal attorney, Michael Cohan -- A man convicted of perjury for lying to Congress. Nevertheless, Cohan was allowed to testify before Congress for the second time, while waiting to begin his three year sentence for lying to a similar Congressional body just months before... 

“Mr. Cohan,” said the Democratic chair of the of the Democratic majority committee. “Do you hereby swear that the testimony you’re about to give here today is the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?”

“Yes,” said Cohan.

“Sergeant-at-arms,” said the Democratic chair.  “You may administer the ‘Double Pinky-Swear’ oath to Mr. Cohan now.”

“Objection!” said a Republican member of the committee.

“Yes. The chair recognizes my esteemed colleague,” said the Democratic chair.

“‘Double Pinky-Swear’oath?” said the Republican, while shuffling through papers before him. “I don’t see that anywhere in the rules.”

“That’s because we changed the rules last night?” replied the chair.

“Why wasn’t I notified?” asked the visibly frustrated Republican.

“You weren't?” replied the chair, sincerely surprised. “It was all over CNN last night.”

“I don’t watch CNN,” said the Republican. 

“Well, maybe you should start,” said the chair. “You my proceed Sergeant-at-arms.”

After being administered the ‘Double Pinky-Swear’ oath, Cohan took questions from the committee.

“Mr. Cohan have you ever heard of the phrase ‘Liar, liar. Pants on fire, hanging from a telephone wire.’?” asked the the same Republican that objected earlier.  

“No, sir,” said Cohan.

“You're telling me right here and now while under oath that you never heard that phrase from childhood before?”

“No, sir,” repeated Cohan. “I don’t believe I have.”   

“Well, how do we know you’re not lying about that right now?” asked the Republican. “After all, it’s a common phrase from childhood.”

“Because,” replied Cohan.

“Because?” repeated the Republican with a look of bewilderment on his face.

“Yes. Because,” again repeated Cohan, while clearing his throat.

“Allow me to intervene a moment,” said the Democratic chair.  “Don’t you mean Mr. Cohan that you cross your heart and hope to die and stick a needle in your eye that you’re telling the truth here today?” 

“Yes, sir,” said Cohan. “I cross my heart. Hope to die. Stick a needle in my eye that I’m telling the truth here today.”

“All that are satisfied that Mr. Cohan is really, really telling the truth to us this time around signify by saying 'Olly olly oxen free,” said the chair.

After taking a quick vote.

“The Olly's have it,” announced the chair. “You may continue with your truthful testimony here today, Mr. Cohan.”

Meanwhile, back in Vietnam, POTUS 45 tries to turn back the arms on the Doomsday clock..


Photo(s) Courtesy of Wikipedia and

Copyright © 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

“Smokey the Bear’s Head Will Be Mounted Over the White House Fireplace Mantel for This,” Vows President Trump, continuing to blame California’s Wildfires on Poor Forest Management

Angeles National Forest, California  --

By Robert W. Armijo

While standing with the governor of California, Jerry Brown Jr. and governor-elect, Gavin Newsom at an outdoor  press conference against the backdrop of still smoldering wildfire debris, President Trump signed a death warrant authorizing the assassination for the first American citizen on U.S. soil by the federal government as authorized under the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA).

“There,” said President Trump. “Smokey the Bear’s head will be mounted over the White House fireplace mantel for this."

According the White House, Smoke the Bear is directly responsible for mismanagement of California’s forests, resulting in its historical wildfires.

“As I speak,” said President Trump. “A Predator drone is flying high up above our heads scanning this crowd with its facial recognition technology, looking in its vast, vast data banks of every American citizen’s face for a match with the wildfire terrorist, Smokey the Bear.”

Suddenly, a hellfire missile streaked across the blue sky and into the adjacent forest causing a giant explosion and ensuing forest fire.

“Looks like Smokey the Bear just got smoked,” jokingly said President Trump, as several fire engines turned on their sirens and headed off in the direction of the plume.

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of

CNN's Jim Acosta Played by George Clooney in New “George Clooney Defends the First Amendment Against President Trump” the Movie

George Clooney Saves Free Speech

By Robert W. Armijo

Movie star actor turned political activist, George Clooney, announced today that he will be writing, directing, executive producing and playing the lead role of CNN reporter, Jim Acosta, in a new movie he is making on defending free speech in American under the Trump Administration.

“Nothing," said George Clooney at a press conference.  "I repeat. Nothing is more important to me than defending free speech in America.” 

A reporter then questioned George Clooney about his seemingly feigning  interest in Darfur.

“Of course, that’s still important to me,” George Clooney replied, as he rolled back his eyes. "That's why I married Amal. She's got my back."

Another reporter then questioned George Clooney about his personal war on the paparazzi.

“Really?” replied a visibly upset George Clooney. “You guys are going to bring that [BLEEP] up? You guys are disgusting. Aren't you guys ever going to let that go? I thought you’d have more relevant questions for me. Like how uncanny it is that Jim and I look so much alike. In fact, that’s what gave me the idea for the movie.”

George Clooney then called Jim Acosta up to the podium.

“Come up here, Jim,” said George Clooney.

“But I have several questions to ask you, George," said a bewildered looking, Jim Acosta.

"Hey, what did I tell you?" rhetorically asked George Clooney of Jim Acosta.

"Yes, Mr. Clooney," answered, Jim Acosta. "But what about my questions?" 

“You can ask them later,” said George Clooney. 

George Clooney then ran down the aisle, grabbing Jim Acosta's arm, leading him back to the podium. 

However, Jim Acosta resisted for a moment, refusing to relinquish the microphone.

"Really, Jim?" said a frustrated, George Clooney. "You want to try this crap on me? I'm not the [BLEEPING] President of the United States, you know. I'm [BLEEPING] George [BLEEPING] Clooney."

“See?” said George Clooney as he posed cheek-to-cheek next to Jim Acosta back at the podium. “We look like twins.”

George Clooney then pulled his cell phone out from his pants and held it out in front of himself and Jim Acosta.

“I’m taking a selfie of this [BLEEP],” said George Clooney. “It's [BLEEPING] uncanny.”

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of

The Russians Are Coming! The Russians Are Coming! The Russians Are Coming!

"See? I Told You So."
Sarah Plain maybe the first spokesperson ever to 

Cold Warmonger for both the GOP and the DNC
By Robert W.  Armijo

“By golly wow,” said Sarah Plain, as she appeared via a conference call before a Democratic committee to investigate the alleged Russian interference with the presidential election of 2016 and in the wake of President Trump’s one-on-one Helsinki meeting with Russian President Putin.

“I can still see Russia from my house,” said Sarah Palin, while she peered through a telescope, across the Bering Straits over and out to Russia.  

“Yes. We know, Sarah,” said a Congressman. “But what are the Russians doing right now?”

The former Republican vice president candidate once mocked by SNL’s Tina Fey’s portrayal of her as a conservative caricature has now ironically become the point man for the Democratic party in their effort to single-handedly revive the Cold War.

Among growing criticism that the Democratic National Committee (DNC) is putting partisan politics above the nation’s best interests, a spokesman for the Grand Old Party (GOP) recently stated.

“I just hope we’re not too late,” said a spokesman for the GOP. “Midterm elections are just around the corner."

“What do you see, Sarah?” repeated the Congressman. “What are the Russians doing?”

“Oh, yeah,” said Sarah Palin. “They are definitely packing their bags.”

“You hear that!” proclaimed the Congressman. “Sarah Plain says, ‘The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!”

“Yeah, well, no,” said Sarah Palin. “I didn’t exactly say that. But yeah, sure. Okay. Why not?”

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo

President Trump Orders Upgrade of U.S. Nuclear Arsenal to Include Atomic Hand Grenades?

Vah-Vah Kah-Boom!
-- Washing, D. C.

By Robert W. Armijo

In an effort to upgrade what President Donald J. Trump considers is America’s out of date nuclear arsenal, he has ordered the military to come up with smaller nuclear devices to be used on the battlefield by individual soldiers.

In fact, the president himself offered the military an idea he came up with while in the Oval office.

“It’s a wonderful idea, Mr. President,” said a senior member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, as he glanced down at the weapon of mass destruction that was hastily sketched on a napkin; noticing a slight tremor in his hand that he attempted to consciously tried to conceal but could not control.
He passed it on to the others in the Oval Office hoping someone would object.

No one did.

Instead, all praised the president, as they passed along the design for an atomic hand grenade with the word “BOOM!” where a mushroom cloud would be, set against a field of asher blue and white bearing the official White House embalm.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:

Copyright© 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

President Trump Tweets His Response for Calls for His Resignation (#MeToo) in ALL CAPS!!!

By Robert W. Armijo

President Trump Tweets his response for calls for his resignation (#MeToo) for allegedly sexually harassing women before he was elected president.

Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump


Photo(s) Courtesy of: Public Domain

Copyright© 2017 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.