LGBTQ Expands Once More to Include Extraterrestrials on Community Center Awareness Day

"Welcome LGMs!" 
Los Angles, California --

By Robert W. Armijo 

In a press release the LGBTQ community explained that the universe is too big of a place to assume human beings are its sole inhabitants, so in keeping with their tradition of inclusiveness they announced today – LGBTQ Community Center Awareness Day -- that their organization will be reaching out to extraterrestrials or little green men (LGM) by merging initials with them.

“From this day forward, the LGBTQ community will now be known as the LGMLGBTQ community,” said a spokesman for the sexual identity progressive organization.

No changes to the Gray Pride rainbow flag will be necessary, according to one LGMLGBTQ official.

“LGMs are already represented on our rainbow flag,” they said. “The color green is the third stripe up from the bottom. Or the fourth one down from the top, if you prefer.”


LGM
Photo(s) courtesy of NASA/wpclipart.com


Copyright © 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 



NASA Reveals New Red, White and Blue Cape Canaveral -- “Evel Knievel” Style -- Spacesuits



-- Cape Canaveral, Florida

By Robert W. Armijo

“Three, two, one…Blastoff!” said a NASA spokesman, as an astronaut donned in the new red, white and blue environmental spacesuit broke through a paper earth onto a stage of an exact replicate of the 1969 American Apollo 11 landing site on the moon complete with lunar lander and American flag planted by the first man on the orbiting celestial surface, Neil Armstrong.

Technically known as the xEMU prototype for the Artemis programme, the new spacesuit was designed for American’s return to the moon, mission to Mars and beyond.

“The new spacesuit is light years ahead the old all-white spacesuit,” said a member of NASA Artemis design team. "Because now it has two whole new colors: red and blue."

As the announcer spoke over the public address system of the press conference, the astronaut in the xEMU environmental spacesuit took to the catwalk.

In a teapot supermodel pose, the astronaut walked down the runway, stopping several times along the way to turn showing off the suit’s flexibility as well as its durability.

Several photographers rushed the edge of the catwalk taking picture, lighting up the xEMU spacesuit with their camera flashes. 

LGM
“LGM’s everywhere will be turning their little green heads when they see our American astronauts step out of the lunar module and onto the gray barren oxygen deprived surface of the moon again,” barked the NASA spokesman, giving the event the a carnival like atmosphere. “But this tine around in a new fabulous red, white and blue Evel Kenievel inspired spacesuits.”  

Two other astronauts dressed in the same xEMU environmental spacesuit, entering from stage right and left, joined the first on the catwalk.

Then they gathered center stage of a highly detailed lunar surface replica of the first lunar landing to strike a Charlie’s Angels pose at the base of American flag before entering the lunar lander, waving good-bye to the press corps.

“Now our American astronauts can withstand the hostile environment of outer space in style,” said the NASA spokesman as the lights dimmed and the theme song to the movie 2001 began to play.

Suddenly smoke began to rise from under the lunar lander as it began its assent.

Overcome with emotion, the audience and members of the press alike began to cheer, whistle and clap as a series of pulleys and wires lifted the craft into the air deus ex machina style.

Then the lunar lander began to sway side to side, knocking down promotional banners, exposing the men at the other end of the wires, visibly struggling to regain control of the mock-up spacecraft.  

Worried faces and xEMU spacesuit gloved hands of the astronauts pressed up against the portal windows of the lunar lander as they looked out to the audience and member of the press far below. 

“That’s all folks,” said the NASA spokesman as the main curtain separating the audience from the chaos on the stage slowly begin to descend. “We’ll see you…umm…We’ll see you at the launching. Goodnight.” 

Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com


Copyright © 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved


SNL Sues Congressman Adam Schiff for Plagiarizing Gangster Parody Skit of President Trump’s Ukrainian Alleged Quid Pro Quo Transcript

"Listen to me, see? This is how this Republic 
we so pretentiously call a Democracy is going down, see?"  

-- Washington, D.C.

By Robert W. Armijo

Congressman Adam Schiff was served a court summons today while in a congressional bathroom rehearsing for his next performance on the select committee on intelligence in the upcoming congressional hearings in the Impeachment Inquiry of President Trump on Capitol Hill. 

SNL took the unprecedented action of suing the figurehead of state for plagiary shortly after the congressman read aloud the parts of President Trump’s portions of the Ukrainian transcript using a 1930s Hollywood gangster movie “Bugsy” style voice.

“The decision to take legal action against the congressman was not an easy one,” said an attorney for SNL. “However, we can’t afford to have anyone, including a congressman, stealing our material. Political banter peddled to the unsuspecting American public as insightful political satire is all we got going for us right now. It’s our bread and butter. Alec Baldwin can’t keep saving the show. He broke out in a severe rash. He’s allergic to the orange wig and the last time it took him almost a week to breakout of character. He called up the White House late one night after the show and demanded that the Secret Service send him Air force One to pick him at Laguardia, so he could buy a  [BLEEP] can of diet Coke.” 

The attorney went on to say that the cast of SNL had been practicing gangster parody skit all week long and were even planning to open the show with the bit when right before their eyes on CNN Congressman Adam Schiff did their skit before the whole nation.

“It’s a tragedy,” the lawyer for SNL added. “Our guy did a better Edward G. Robinson gangster impersonation than the congressman too.”

“He [Schiff] was just standing there in front of the bathroom mirror practicing his gangster voice as usual,” said an eyewitness. “When a process server walked up to him and said, ‘Excuse me, sir. Are you Congressman Adam Schiff?’”  

The congressman reportedly turned to the process server, mistaking him for a fan. 

“What’s this piece of paper?” asked Schiff. “Oh, I get it. You want my autograph. Sure. Why not? I’ll sign it. Who do I make it out to?”

“I’m not a fan, sir,” replied the process server. “I’m a process server and you just got served.”


Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com

Copyright © 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.








Sen. Bernie Sanders's Supporters Offer to Donate Their Hearts…Lungs…Kidneys…to the Recuperating 2020 Presidential Candidate from Vermont


"I am Senator Bernie Sanders 
and I do NOT approve of this message."
-- Washington, D.C.

By Robert W. Armijo

In the aftermath of Senator Bernie Sanders’s heart attack, a hardcore group of his supporters have sent a letter to the 2020 presidential candidate, offering themselves up to the senator as living human organ donors.

Members of the group even took the liberty of marking their bodies with black sharpie markers, outlining their organs to be harvested should the need arise on the campaign trail. 

“He [Sanders] already has my heart,” said Lucy Brown as she lifted up her blouse, exposing her bare chest and pierced nipples. She then grabbed a sharpie and began to draw a perforated dotted line around her heart.

“See?” she said.

Brown then closed her eyelids and began drawing circles around her eyes.

“Now he has my eyes too,” Brown added.

“Ouch!” exclaimed Brown as she dropped the marker and grabbed her left eye.

“Well, I guess he can have just the one,” said Brown.

Other members of the group sat in a giant circle drawing on each other’s backs, indicating which organs they would donate to the senior senator from Vermont.

Suddenly a member of the group stood up and shouted.

“Wait!” said a young man in a Che Guevara style t-shirt with the image of Sanders wearing a beret instead. “Can’t you see this is all wrong?”

Members of the group looked at each other in confusion as they lowered their markers.

“He wouldn’t want us to be marking are young bodies with sharpies as to which organs we’re going to donate to him,” continued the young man. “He wouldn’t want that.”

“No?” Brown questioned as she loosely held the marker in her hand.

“No!” repeated the young man. “He would want us all to get tattoos!”

“You’re right!” echoed Brown as she tossed her sharpie to the ground.

“Because,” added the young man as he pulled a pair car keys from his pocket. “Tattoos don’t wash off with sweat or water or teargas.”

With that, the Bernie Sanders's supporters piled into a flower power decorated VW van and drove off into the sunset headed for the closest tattoo parlor.


Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com

Copyright © 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Ripley’s Believe It or Not Awards Special Counsel Mueller’s Russian Probe “Longest Witch Hunt Ever!”


"Told You So. No [BLEEP] Russian
Collusion. All Fun Fake News." 

-- Washington, DC

By Robert W. Armijo

Lasting 675 days, the special counsel Mueller investigation into the alleged collusion of then President-Elect Trump with Russia to win the 2016 presidential election is officially the longest witch hunt in world history. 

“By comparison, the Salem witch hunt and trials only lasted one year and three months, while special counsel Mueller’s Russian probe lasted one year, 10 months and six days,” said a spokesman for Ripley’s Believe It or Not.

Although not yet confirmed by the White House, Ripley’s Believe It or Not is planning to present the award to special counsel Mueller during a ceremony at the Rose Garden.

“There my honored [BLEEP] guests will be served magpie [crow] pies for lunch specially prepared by my personal cooking staff,” Tweeted President Trump. “That’s right magpie pie. NOT humble pie, because it’s too [BLEEP] late for that.” 



Copyright © 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Photo(s) Courtesy of wpclipart




Convicted Perjurer and Felon Michael Cohan Testifies Before Congress Again -- Taking a “Double Pinky-Swear” That He’s Telling the Truth This Time Around


-- Washington, D.C.

By Robert W. Armijo

For the first time in Congressional history, a Congressional Committee heard testimony regarding alleged violations of the law by the President of the United States of American while seated in Office from his former personal attorney, Michael Cohan -- A man convicted of perjury for lying to Congress. Nevertheless, Cohan was allowed to testify before Congress for the second time, while waiting to begin his three year sentence for lying to a similar Congressional body just months before... 

“Mr. Cohan,” said the Democratic chair of the of the Democratic majority committee. “Do you hereby swear that the testimony you’re about to give here today is the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?”

“Yes,” said Cohan.

“Sergeant-at-arms,” said the Democratic chair.  “You may administer the ‘Double Pinky-Swear’ oath to Mr. Cohan now.”

“Objection!” said a Republican member of the committee.

“Yes. The chair recognizes my esteemed colleague,” said the Democratic chair.

“‘Double Pinky-Swear’oath?” said the Republican, while shuffling through papers before him. “I don’t see that anywhere in the rules.”

“That’s because we changed the rules last night?” replied the chair.

“Why wasn’t I notified?” asked the visibly frustrated Republican.

“You weren't?” replied the chair, sincerely surprised. “It was all over CNN last night.”

“I don’t watch CNN,” said the Republican. 

“Well, maybe you should start,” said the chair. “You my proceed Sergeant-at-arms.”

After being administered the ‘Double Pinky-Swear’ oath, Cohan took questions from the committee.

“Mr. Cohan have you ever heard of the phrase ‘Liar, liar. Pants on fire, hanging from a telephone wire.’?” asked the the same Republican that objected earlier.  

“No, sir,” said Cohan.

“You're telling me right here and now while under oath that you never heard that phrase from childhood before?”

“No, sir,” repeated Cohan. “I don’t believe I have.”   

“Well, how do we know you’re not lying about that right now?” asked the Republican. “After all, it’s a common phrase from childhood.”

“Because,” replied Cohan.

“Because?” repeated the Republican with a look of bewilderment on his face.

“Yes. Because,” again repeated Cohan, while clearing his throat.

“Allow me to intervene a moment,” said the Democratic chair.  “Don’t you mean Mr. Cohan that you cross your heart and hope to die and stick a needle in your eye that you’re telling the truth here today?” 

“Yes, sir,” said Cohan. “I cross my heart. Hope to die. Stick a needle in my eye that I’m telling the truth here today.”

“All that are satisfied that Mr. Cohan is really, really telling the truth to us this time around signify by saying 'Olly olly oxen free,” said the chair.

After taking a quick vote.

“The Olly's have it,” announced the chair. “You may continue with your truthful testimony here today, Mr. Cohan.”

Meanwhile, back in Vietnam, POTUS 45 tries to turn back the arms on the Doomsday clock..

Tick-Tock...Tick-Tock...



Photo(s) Courtesy of Wikipedia and Wpclipart.com

Copyright © 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Rose Parade Prometheus Themed Float Catches Fire!

"Boy. I Just Can't Seem to Catch
a Break like...EVER! Could Use a Good
Hard Drink Right About Now." 
By Robert W. Armijo


“Making a Difference’ was the theme of this year’s Rose Parade,” said a Rose Parade official.  “That’s why we approved the conditional use of controlled, confined and contained fire on the float that caught fire. After all, the Titan Prometheus certainly made a difference when he gifted fire to mankind.”

Although Rose Parade officials are activity looking for the float designer for questioning, he is no where to be found.

“He must have get wind of our intention to fine him for delaying the Rose Parade and starting an open fire without a permit,” said a Rose Parade official.

Despite the disapproval of Rose Parade officials, many spectators were entertained by the spectacle.

“Unsuspecting spectators, thought they were witnessing the latest state-of-the-art special effects of Rose Parade float technology, stood up and applauded,” said a fireman to who responded the over 20 million 911 phone calls from around the country and world.

Still other spectators run up to the float, which was fully engulfed in flames, with sticks and marshmallows.

“They sat around the burning float signing camp songs and made S’mores,” said police.   

“Most people just took off their gloves and mittens and stretched out their hands to warm them up,” said one Rose Parade spectator. 


Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com 

Copyright (c) by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

"Soylent Green is [Gingerbread] People!?"


"Hey! The Shlemiel Who Stole My Schmeckel 
Made Me a Shlemazl!"
-- Hollywood, California

By Robert W. Armijo

In attempt to ride on the coattails of the latest internet and late night talk show hosts "Gingerbread People" left-wing culture war on Christmas meme, MGM who owns the intellectual property rights to the 1973 sci-fi dystopian classic "Soylent Green" movie is planing to re-release the film with an audio edit of the famous climatic big reveil ending.

"We adding the word 'gingerbread' to the final scene," said a spokesman for MGM. 

So instead of the audience hearing "Soylent Green is People!" as uttered by Detective Thorn played by Charleston Heston. They will hear, "Soylent Green is Gingerbread People!"  


Copyright @ 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of wpclipart.com





“Smokey the Bear’s Head Will Be Mounted Over the White House Fireplace Mantel for This,” Vows President Trump, continuing to blame California’s Wildfires on Poor Forest Management

Angeles National Forest, California  --


By Robert W. Armijo

While standing with the governor of California, Jerry Brown Jr. and governor-elect, Gavin Newsom at an outdoor  press conference against the backdrop of still smoldering wildfire debris, President Trump signed a death warrant authorizing the assassination for the first American citizen on U.S. soil by the federal government as authorized under the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA).

“There,” said President Trump. “Smokey the Bear’s head will be mounted over the White House fireplace mantel for this."

According the White House, Smoke the Bear is directly responsible for mismanagement of California’s forests, resulting in its historical wildfires.


“As I speak,” said President Trump. “A Predator drone is flying high up above our heads scanning this crowd with its facial recognition technology, looking in its vast, vast data banks of every American citizen’s face for a match with the wildfire terrorist, Smokey the Bear.”

Suddenly, a hellfire missile streaked across the blue sky and into the adjacent forest causing a giant explosion and ensuing forest fire.

“Looks like Smokey the Bear just got smoked,” jokingly said President Trump, as several fire engines turned on their sirens and headed off in the direction of the plume.







Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of wpclipart.com

CNN Reporter Accuses White House of Weaponizing His Press Pass -- “Funny, It Never Smelled This Funky Before,” Says Jim Acosta

Has the White House Weaponized Press Passes?

Washington DC --

By Robert W. Armijo


"Jim Acosta is happy that the Trump administration has chosen to comply with the court ordered return of his press pass," said spokesmen for CNN. 

However, the distressed reporter has reportedly filed yet another complaint with the White House, asking that a new press pass be issued, as his old one has allegedly been compromised.

“Funny, it [press pass] never smelled this funky before,” said Jim Acosta, who filed a lawsuit against the Trump administration for allegedly breaching his First Amendment Rights when his press pass was revoked after he challenged the president’s authority by refusing to yield a press core microphone to a White House intern and take a seat.

Jim Acosta claims his press pass smells so bad that other reporters cannot remain in the same room with him for too long of a period.

“I can’t stand it myself,” Jim Acosta acknowledged, while wearing a clothespin on his nose. “However, I have no choice. I have to wear it. Or White House security won’t let me into the press room to ask President Trump my followup question at his next press conference: if he still thinks his anti-caravan rhetoric isn't divisive and racists?”

“Look. We [the press] all support Jim standing up for his First Amendment Right to ask President Trump loaded questions and all that jazz,” said a fellow colleague, who asked to remain anonymous.  “But if he walks into the press room wearing that stinky press pass, we’re filing for a restraining order, keeping him one-hundred yards downwind of us.”


Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com