Showing posts with label Xmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Xmas. Show all posts

"Soylent Green is [Gingerbread] People!?"

"Hey! The Shlemiel Who Stole My Schmeckel 
Made Me a Shlemazl!"
-- Hollywood, California

By Robert W. Armijo

In attempt to ride on the coattails of the latest internet and late night talk show hosts "Gingerbread People" left-wing culture war on Christmas meme, MGM who owns the intellectual property rights to the 1973 sci-fi dystopian classic "Soylent Green" movie is planing to re-release the film with an audio edit of the famous climatic big reveil ending.

"We adding the word 'gingerbread' to the final scene," said a spokesman for MGM. 

So instead of the audience hearing "Soylent Green is People!" as uttered by Detective Thorn played by Charleston Heston. They will hear, "Soylent Green is Gingerbread People!"  

Copyright @ 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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A Christmas Story: How the Grinch Pinched the City of Santa Monica’s Xmas Xbox

Horton Gives a [BLEEP] About Whoville?
Santa Monica, California –

In a special midnight Christmas Eve recall election (many later called a junta), the dully-elected mayor of Santa Monica was deposed and stripped of his office and ‘The Grinch’ installed in his stead. The city council was dissolved as well.

The so-called recall election was coordinated and conducted by the city’s activist atheists who recently succeeded in contributing to the canceling the city’s traditional annual nativity display at a local park.

As his first act as the city’s new mayor, The Grinch signed a proclamation officially changing the city’s name from Santa Monica to ‘Whoville’

“Fellow citizens of Whoville,” said The Grinch in video he posted on YouTube. “I want to assure those among us that celebrate Christmas that under my administration you have nothing to fear. You will remain free to continue to celebrate Christmas. In fact, I want to join you in celebrating it.”

The Grinch then went onto issue instructions to the former citizens of Santa Monica to all bring all their Christmas presents to a designated central processing center.

“They will be redistributed to the less fortunate and needy,” explained The Grinch. “Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m trying to trick you. Well, you’re wrong. I’ve changed.”  

The Grinch then issued his second proclamation that lifted the ban against the display of nativity scenes at the local park that the now dissolved city council previously ordered under pressure by the activist atheists.

“You see,” said The Grinch. “I’m all for Christmas. In fact, I will be revealing my very own personal interpretation of the nativity scene right along side yours at the local park tonight. Won’t you come by and see it? Oh yeah, don’t forget to bring your Christmas presents too.”

That very night at the local park, The Grinch, dressed up in a Santa suit, toured all the formerly ban nativity scenes, shaking hands and kissing babies all along the way. 

Everybody marveled at the miraculous change The Grinch had undergone. 

“He truly must have been touched by the spirit of Christmas,” everybody said.

Finally, The Grinch humbly stood by his nativity scene, which was cloaked. Behind him a pile of unwrapped Christmas presents that he asked everybody to bring, which they did judging by the height the pile reached. 

Children gathered around The Grinch’s nativity scene, trying to take a peek by lifting up the gray cloth that covered it. 

However, The Grinch stood nearby discouraging the children’s’ natural curiosity by stepping on the cloth, shaking his long green finger at them and letting his Pit Bull (who wore reindeer antlers) to lunge at them with snapping jaws. 

After an impromptu singing of ‘Silent Night’ by the crowd, during which The Grinch bowed his head and clasped his hands in front of him, a nondenominational prayer was offered up.

During the nondenominational prayer, while everybody else humbly bowed their heads with their eyes closed, The Grinch now looked up toward the Heavens with arms stretched out as if about to receive grace.

As the nondenominational pastor concluded the nondenominational prayer with an Amen, everybody opened their eyes to only find The Grinch, their nativity scenes and all their Christmas presents were all gone. 

“Goddamn!” said the pastor. “He did it again.”

However, The Grinch did not take everything. For he left behind the giant Christmas tree (stripped bare, of course) and his nativity scene, which he left covered -- though no one took notice at first.

“Look everybody!” said a Whovillain child. “He left his nativity scene behind and still covered, too.”

As the Whovillains gathered around it, the child reached out to remove the cloth covering it. 

As the cloth fell to the side, the Whovillains found themselves staring at a traditional nativity scene except instead of the baby Jesus that would otherwise be in the manger there was an Xbox.

“Wow!” said the child. “It’s an Xbox! Just what I wanted.”

Naturally, the child reached out to grab the toy but as he held it in hand, he noticed the package was too light to contain anything but air. The child shook it in disbelief several more times before opening it, confirming for every one that the Xbox box was indeed empty.  

A great debate ensued among the Whovillains as to the meaning of The Grinch’s nativity scene and the theft of their Christmas.

“Don’t you see,” said a faithful Whovillain. “We don’t need presents to celebrate Christmas. All we need is each other and the spirit of Christmas. That’s what The Grinch was trying to teach us. He wants us to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas. You might say it was his Christmas present to us to take away all our Christmas presents.” 

“Yeah,” rebutted another Whovillain. “But didn’t you say we don’t need presents to celebrate Christmas?” 

“So, what’s you’re point?” replied back the other Whovillain.

“Well, if The Grinch’s Christmas present to us is taking away our presents, isn’t that a present?” said a Whovillain.

“And isn’t his having giving us a present a contradiction?” said yet another Whovillain.

“No, no,” said a Whovillain that was an atheist. “The empty Xbox box represents what all religion represents…nothing. Because we’re all that there is. There's nothing out there for us but empty space. Just like the empty space in the box. Or even if the box had an Xbox in it, it would still be an illusion. For what is the Xbox but a world of pretend. A world filled only with illusions."

“[BLEEP] this shit,” said another Whovillain. “I spent big bucks on my kid’s present. I even had to use pepper spray on a crowd of Christmas shoppers in a department store to save myself from being trampled to death.”

“Let’s find the son of a bitch and string him up on a pine tree like a [BLEEP] Christmas ornament,” said the pastor.

Whovillains formed search parties, scouring the city for The Grinch. Very soon, they found him hiding on the prier in the solar powered Ferris wheel along with all their Christmas presents as well. 

As the mob closed in on The Grinch, he begged them for forgiveness. But it was too late.

From atop the tallest Christmas tree, the lifeless body of TheGrinch looked down upon Whoville, as they sang and opened their presents. 

With his head, arms and legs stretched out, nailed to some boards in the shape of the letter X, The Grinch hung on the giant tree just like a Christmas ornament.

Hurriedly the hands of the children of Whoville opened all the Christmas presents all at once, many of whose hands were still stained with the green blood of The Grinch. 

All of a sudden, arguments began to breakout among the Whovillains as to whose Christmas present belonged to whom, as The Grinch had removed all the ‘From’ and ‘To’ who tags. 

Suddenly, someone in the crowd pulled out a can of pepper spray and a riot broke out. Cars were overturned and set ablaze. It was Whovillain against Whovillain.  

Oddly enough, though there was not a drop of blood left in him -- not even enough for a mouse -- The Grinch looked down upon the disgrace of Whoville with a devilish grimace on his stiff dead face.  

The End

Copyright © 2008-2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Atheists Sue City of Santa Monica; Demand Secular Name Change

Marry Christmas? Okay, How About Season’s Greetings?
Santa Monica, California –

Fresh from their battle to destroy Christmas by causing the city council of Santa Monica to cancel the annual nativity scene at a local park, the same group of atheists have now set their targeting sights on changing the city’s religious name.

“To tell you the truth,” said a Santa Monica atheist. “I always felt like a hypocrite for protesting against Christmas displays in a city named after a Catholic deity.”

During a special meeting, atheists rejected the city council’s spineless compromise of renaming the city ‘The People’s Republic of Santa Monica’, calling it a contradiction in terms.

“It’s an oxymoron,” said an atheist. “Besides, it implies all atheists are Communists. How about ‘Little Leningrad’?”

“How about changing it to ‘Whoville’?” said a God fearing resident of Santa Monica. “After all, we already have the Grinch living among us.” 

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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“Occupy North Pole”?

Anchorage, Alaska –

A small but militant group of Elves marched out of Santa’s Workshop today, headed to the North Pole bent on occupying it. Putting to rest any speculation in the Main Street media that “Occupy Wall Street” will not be able to weather the weather, enduring the coming chilly months.

“Not to worry,” reassured an Elf, tossing a knapsack over his shoulder. “We’ll take up the cross. And carry it till spring comes and the snow thaws in New York City.”

“I love the jolly old guy,” said another defiant Elf, justifying the actions of the group. “But let’s face it, Santa is apart of the one percent.”

Santa’s Elves recently joined the occupy movement after watching the “Occupy Wall Street” movement take root around the world on TV, realizing that their jobs had been shipped abroad to China, Mexico and India.

“I’m a craftself by trade,” said an Elf, who became emotional. “With these hands and this tiny hammer, I use to cobble toy trains out of wood. Now, all I do is unload plastic ones from China.”

The contingent of rebellious Elves revealed they have a never before tried act of civil disobedience that is teargas resistant, guaranteeing that they will not be dislodged from the North Pole.

“We plan to lick it,” an Elf disclosed. “That way our tongues will get stuck to it. And nobody will be able to move us.”

At last word, Santa threatened to dispatch some gnomes with kettles of hot water. However, the Elves are confident they will be able to convince them to join the occupy movement.

“They’ve been working without a labor contract just like us,” said an Elf, as he and the others positioned themselves in a circle around the North Pole, arms interlocked and tongues extended. “Sow weare’re phoepeasting fr em tu.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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