Showing posts with label NASA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NASA. Show all posts

NASA Reveals New Red, White and Blue Cape Canaveral -- “Evel Knievel” Style -- Spacesuits

-- Cape Canaveral, Florida

By Robert W. Armijo

“Three, two, one…Blastoff!” said a NASA spokesman, as an astronaut donned in the new red, white and blue environmental spacesuit broke through a paper earth onto a stage of an exact replicate of the 1969 American Apollo 11 landing site on the moon complete with lunar lander and American flag planted by the first man on the orbiting celestial surface, Neil Armstrong.

Technically known as the xEMU prototype for the Artemis programme, the new spacesuit was designed for American’s return to the moon, mission to Mars and beyond.

“The new spacesuit is light years ahead the old all-white spacesuit,” said a member of NASA Artemis design team. "Because now it has two whole new colors: red and blue."

As the announcer spoke over the public address system of the press conference, the astronaut in the xEMU environmental spacesuit took to the catwalk.

In a teapot supermodel pose, the astronaut walked down the runway, stopping several times along the way to turn showing off the suit’s flexibility as well as its durability.

Several photographers rushed the edge of the catwalk taking picture, lighting up the xEMU spacesuit with their camera flashes. 

“LGM’s everywhere will be turning their little green heads when they see our American astronauts step out of the lunar module and onto the gray barren oxygen deprived surface of the moon again,” barked the NASA spokesman, giving the event the a carnival like atmosphere. “But this tine around in a new fabulous red, white and blue Evel Kenievel inspired spacesuits.”  

Two other astronauts dressed in the same xEMU environmental spacesuit, entering from stage right and left, joined the first on the catwalk.

Then they gathered center stage of a highly detailed lunar surface replica of the first lunar landing to strike a Charlie’s Angels pose at the base of American flag before entering the lunar lander, waving good-bye to the press corps.

“Now our American astronauts can withstand the hostile environment of outer space in style,” said the NASA spokesman as the lights dimmed and the theme song to the movie 2001 began to play.

Suddenly smoke began to rise from under the lunar lander as it began its assent.

Overcome with emotion, the audience and members of the press alike began to cheer, whistle and clap as a series of pulleys and wires lifted the craft into the air deus ex machina style.

Then the lunar lander began to sway side to side, knocking down promotional banners, exposing the men at the other end of the wires, visibly struggling to regain control of the mock-up spacecraft.  

Worried faces and xEMU spacesuit gloved hands of the astronauts pressed up against the portal windows of the lunar lander as they looked out to the audience and member of the press far below. 

“That’s all folks,” said the NASA spokesman as the main curtain separating the audience from the chaos on the stage slowly begin to descend. “We’ll see you…umm…We’ll see you at the launching. Goodnight.” 

Photo(s) courtesy of

Copyright © 2019 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved

NASA to Get People on Mars by 2030s Using New Experimental Dehydration, Re-hydration Process

Once on the surface of Mars, astronauts will be able to find water.

By Robert W. Armijo

“We got the dehydration process down pat,” said a NASA spokesman. “It’s the re-hydration process that we’re having trouble with.” 


 If proven successful, astronauts will be dehydrated while on earth, launched into space and then re-hydrated as they approach the red planet.

 With water being such a precious commodity aboard the spacecraft, only one astronaut will be permitted to remain awake during the journey to Mars.

The Ship Orion Expected to Take Man to Mars

 “All calculations prove the ship Orion (see photo on left) can only carry enough water on-board to sustain one person for the long flight to Mars,” said NASA.

The duty to re-hydrate the fellow crew members will fall to that one lone astronaut.


"That’s not the problem though,” said NASA, explaining the situation. “The problem is finding an astronaut with a big enough bladder, as they will be required to re-hydrate the entire crew with their own urine."

NASA diagram depicting the astronaut-to-astronaut urine re-hydration process. 

“If it works, it will be as if they were in suspended animation,” said NASA. “Hey, maybe we should give that a try first?”




NASA is also said to be experimenting with a freeze dried process.


However, that is not going as well.


“You know, it works and everything,” said NASA. “But our astronauts keep complaining about the freezer burn.”

 Photo courtesy of
 Copyright © 2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Apollo 10’s Space Turd Stored at Area 51

Are You ready for Alien Autopsy "Number 2"?
Las Vegas, Nevada –

As the NASA transcript of the space turd incident aboard the Apollo 10 flight to the moon in 1969 documented, all three astronauts deny they made the unvacuum-packed space

“The incident nearly cost us the dress rehearsal mission to the moon,” said a NASA official.

Upon Apollo 10’s safe return home, NASA quickly confiscated the interstellar poop and questioned the crewmembers extensively while still in quarantine. All to no avail. 

Unable to identify the party responsible (DNA testing still decades away), NASA kept the brown log in cold storage all these years at the Kennedy Space Center at Cape Canaveral, Florida.

“Hoping one day to solve the mystery of the in-flight dump of Apollo 10, finally identifying its owner,” said Fredrick Thompson, a UFO expert.

However, after conducting DNA testing early this year in preparation of releasing the Apollo 10 transcript, NASA quickly removed the scat under armed guard from the Kennedy Space Center -- Though they refused to say where it was being relocated.

“It was moved to a top-secret facility known as Area 51,” claims Thompson. 

Area 51 is located in a remote part of the Nevada desert and troops stationed there are under orders to shoot any trespassers. 

“Which can only mean one thing,” continued Thompson. “We’re dealing with an E.T.E. (extra terrestrial excrement).” 

Thompson believes the out of this world feces is undergoing a series of testing at Area 51 in expectation of confirming that the crewmembers of Apollo 10 were not alone. 

“They must have picked up a galactic gastric hitchhiker along the way,” said Thompson. “Right now, NASA is testing the [BLEEP] out of that little piece of [BLEEP], conducting an alien duce dropping autopsy of their own.”

Copyright © 2008-2013 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Photo Courtesy of:

Apollo 10’s In-flight Space Turd: “Houston, we have a problem here”

Houston, Texas –

Everyone believes the famous words “Houston, we have a problem here” were first spoken by the crew of the technically troubled flight of Apollo 13. However, that is not true, according to a recent 500-page transcript released by NASA today. 

According to that transcript, those famous words were in fact first uttered by the crew of Apollo 10 in June 1969. When during their dress rehearsal of the lunar landing while on their way to orbit the moon, they encountered not an unidentified flying object (a UFO), but an unidentified floating object (a UFO) in the command capsule.

UFO experts that have analyzed the transcript say it is proof positive of NASA’s culture of denial when it comes to the confirmation of the existence of UFOs, or even UFOs. 

The following is an excerpt from that over four decades old transcript. So you can make up your own mind:

APOLLO 10: Houston, we have a problem here.

HOUSTON: What is it, Apollo 10?

APOLLO 10: We’re not sure…But we may be witnessing a bogie [UFO].

HOUSTON: How far away is the bogie from your craft, Apollo 10?

APOLLO 10: Negative, Houston. It’s not outside our craft…Ah…it’s inside our craft.

HOUSTON: Can you repeat that, Apollo 10?

APOLLO 10: Um…it’s inside our craft, Houston.


HOUSTON: Can you describe it, Apollo 10?

APOLLO 10: Well, it’s cylindrical in shape. Brown in color…and it smells like…It smells like…Oh my God! It’s a turd!

[Crew Members Screaming]

HOUSTON: Would you like to officially report the sighting of a UFO, Apollo 10? Come in Apollo 10…Are you still there?

APOLLO 10: Please repeat, Houston.

[Crew Members Screaming]

HOUSTON: Would you like to officially report the sighting of a UFO at this time?

APOLLO 10: Ah…negative, Houston. Not at this time.

[Crew Members Screaming]

HOUSTON:  Roger, Apollo 10. Continue with your flight plan to the moon.

APOLLO 10: We copy, Houston. Apollo 10 continuing with [the] flight plan to the moon.

[Crew Members Still Screaming]

Copyright © 2008-2013 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Apollo 10’s Toilet-Challenged Joke #2

Q: What is the UFO terminology for an alleged encounter between astronauts and human waste in outer space. 

A: Close Encounter of the Turd Kind. 

Copyright © 2008-2013 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Apollo 10’s Toilet-Challenged Joke #1

Q: What did the “F” in UFO stand for aboard the toilet-challenged Apollo 10 space flight to the moon? 

A: Unidentified “Floating” Object! 

Copyright © 2008-2013 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

NASA Meets with Toyota at JPL to Tap Problem for Possible New Propulsion System for Space Probes

Pasadena, California --

Hoping to tap Toyota’s acceleration problem for a possible new propulsion system for the space probe program, engineers from NASA met with Toyota at the Jet Prolusion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena, California today to discuss a solution to both their problems.

“We’re hoping for a win-win situation,” said James Hawthorne, Chief Engineer at JPL. “One in which through the exchange of technology, our space probes will be increase their acceleration rate exponentially and the Toyotas will be able to safely decelerate their vehicles.”

Currently, NASA engineers are conducting preliminary experiments in which they have replaced the engines on their Delta rockets with Toyota’s run away engines.

“The damn things worked!” said Mr. Hawthorne after a successful probe lunch. “The only problem is we still haven’t figured out how to shut the damn things off.”

After the JPL probe retrofitted with Toyota engines obtained a low earth orbit, NASA engineers’ celebratory mood quickly soured as they realized the probes’ engines could not be slowed, or shut down.

As JPL probe careened out of control, headed on a collision course with the International Space Station (ISS), Toyota engineers from Japan stopped taking pictures and bowed their heads in shame.

Once NASA and JPL engineers all took unsuccessful turns behind the wheel of the mockup command module [an exact replica of a Toyota 2009 Camry Sedan] of the space probe to veer it off its destructive path with the ISS, the final decision came to execute the self-destruct option.

“Unfortunately that feature on the Toyotas we purchased did not come with the standard package,” explained Mr. Hawthorne. “Due to budget cuts, NASA just couldn’t afford it.”

As the Toyota engineers from Japan consulted among themselves, drinking Sake, toasting one of their own that emerged from among the center of them wearing a white robe, rising sun headband and samurai sword, the American engineers from NASA and JPL quietly looked on.

To shouts of Bonsai! Bonsai! Bonsai! The brave engineer from a small village an hours drive outside the Tokyo prefecture proper got behind the wheel of the probe mockup command module/Toyota 2009 Camry Sedan as he attempted redirected the run away probe off its collision course with the ISS.

Advice on how to stop the run away probe was shouted out from every white coat, black frame eyeglass and pocket protector-wearing engineer at JPL.

“Put it neutral!” shouted one NASA engineer.

“Turn off the ignition!” yelled out another from Toyota.

“No, ” screamed still another from JPL. “Apply equal amounts of pressure on both the accelerator and brake at the same time. Just like we do here in California when we come to a stop sign.”

However, for all the leaned knowledge and efforts of his colleagues, the Toyota engineer from Japan could not hear a word shouted out above the din of the roaring uncontrollable engine as he sat helplessly behind the wheel of the car. Finally, in an absolute moment of desperation, he dialed 911.

“Hello, this is 911,” said a soothing calm voice of a female operator over his cell phone headset. “What’s the nature of your emergency?”

“I’m trapped behind the wheel of a run away mockup Toyota headed on a collision course with the ISS,” said the Toyota engineer from Japan, his rising sun headband partially covering one eye like a pirate’s eye patch, as he struggled to maintain physical control of the vehicle, which now broke free of its moorings. And despite not having wheels, vibrated about the laboratory floor causing the engineers to flee in all directions, taking cover under tables, jumping on desks and copy machines.

“I’m sorry, did you say a Toyota?” asked the composed 911 operator.

“Yes, a Toyota,” came the reply from the driver as he swerved, barely avoiding a coffee vending machine.

“Let me put you on with my supervisor,” said the still tranquil 911 operator. “He can best advise you on your situation.”

“Okay,” said the driver as he took out a laboratory table with Bunsen burners and beakers.

“Officer Martinez, here,” came a commanding male voice over the phone. “How may I be of assistance?”

“Myyy Toyotaaa…won’t stoppp,” replied the driver with a jittery voice, due to increased vibration of the car. “Pleaseee…helppp meee.”

“I know you’re in a life threatening situation,” quickly acknowledge Officer Martinez, instantly gaining creditability with the distraught driver. “But I need you to remain calm, okay?”

“Okkkay,” said the Japanese driver as he took out a copy machine.

“Now,” said the police officer, opening up a field manual, preparing to give out detailed instructions to the driver. “Have you tried putting the car in neutral?”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo