Showing posts with label Wall Street. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wall Street. Show all posts

Occupy Oakland Served a Predawn Pancake Breakfast by Police; Free Speech Zone Relocated to City Jail

San Francisco, California –

In the early predawn hours today, a cadre of law enforcement officers made up of different branches from surrounding police departments in the bay area gently awoke members of Occupy Oakland encamped at Oscar Grant Plaza and Snow Park.

“Each were individually escorted by a cop who acted as a personal concierge,” said the commanding officer.

Occupy Oakland protestors were then treated to a pancake breakfast, which was prepared and served to them by police wearing aprons over their riot gear.

“We weren’t sure how they would react when they found out we forgot the maple syrup. Or being forcibly relocated to a new free speech zone situated in the metropolitan detention facility,” said the commanding officer from under his gas mask, wearing an apron which read: Complaints to the Cook Can Be Hazardous to Your Health.

So the commanding officer took the extra precaution of having his officers suit up.

Sure enough, just as one of the protestors asked for maple syrup, violence erupted.

“Hey everybody!” yelled out an ungrateful protestor gathering the attention and ire of the motley crew. “They forgot the maple syrup!”

“Yeah,” echoed another protestor with his complaint. Getting up to stand on the breakfast table to make his point. “And my eggs are runny, too!”

“That’s it,” said the commanding officer, ordering his officers to move in on the unlawful assembly. “My men and me didn’t wakeup at three o’clock in the morning to slave over a hot plate to get treated like this.”

Copyright © 2011-2008 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Mitt Romney Sends Delegation to Occupy ‘Occupy Wall Street’

New York, New York –

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney took time out of his busy schedule today to send a delegation with a single demand to the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protestors encamped at Zuccotti Park, New York.

“Romney delegates will camp along side ‘Occupy Wall Street’ to make his message clear,” said a spokesman for Romney. “Only they will be doing it as protesters, instead of protestors.”

“My demand is a simple and a fair one,” said Mitt Romney at a press conference. “Let corporations join! They’re people too! Folks just like me and you.”

Mitt Romney vows that his delegation will remain in Zuccotti Park with the other protestors until they recognize corporations as people, as he does.

“Since Mitt Romney’s delegate consists of human beings,” said a spokesman for ‘Occupy Wall Street’. “We’re bound by our policy of inclusiveness to bring the matter before the general assembly for a vote.”

Unfortunately for Mitt Romney, the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ general assembly reached a consensus not to allow corporations to join their movement.

The Romney delegation then voted to disband and join in with ‘Occupy Wall Street’.

Even becoming the most vocal members of the People’s Mic [microphone] -- A process of repeating the spoken word of a human being through people’s voices without the assistance of electric or other artificial amplification.


“Wow!” Mitt Romney reacted upon hearing the rejection of his demand voiced by the People’s Mic, consisting of members of his former delegation. “Now that’s irony even I can appreciate.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Warren Buffett to S&P: You Spell America, USAAAA!

New York, New York –

Although his comments were well intended, meant to calm the nerves of already jittery investors come Monday morning when the opening bell rings on Wall Street, Warren Buffett’s cognizance has had the opposite effect. When he said over the weekend of the investment risk assessment agency of Standard and Poor’s that they should have given Uncle Sam a “quadruple A” rating, instead of a “double A plus”.

“Wow! I guess the old man really lost it,” said one Wall Street investor. “Can’t he see we live in a global economy? And that America is just not number one anymore?”

A Wall Street insider said the market can weather Standard and Poor’s downgrading on the trading floor, “But I don’t think it can stand losing Mr. Buffett as well.”

Immediately after Mr. Buffett’s comments, however, a statement was released from the billionaire’s New York office that seemed to distance itself from the 80-year-old tycoon.

“With all due respect to Mr. Buffett, he just hasn’t been the same since he gave away a substantial portion of his fortune to charity,” read the statement. “He hasn’t yet realized any return on his philanthropic ventures, which has him somewhat perplexed.”

While other critics believe that Mr. Buffett is suffering from a very rare form of disease.

“Mr. Buffett has a disease almost never found among Wall Street types this days,” confirmed the Buffett family physician. “It’s called patriotism.”

Mr. Buffett’s physician added that there is little for other Wall Street investors to worry themselves about.

“It’s not a pathogen. So it isn’t contagious,” explained the doctor. “It’s genetic. Either you got it in you…or you don’t.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Mattel cancels “Wall Street Investment Banker Doll”; replaces it with “Che Guevara Socialist Guerilla Marketing Action Figure”

New York, New York

Stocks rose moderately before falling farther on the news that the Mattel toy-manufacturing company is following in the footsteps of billionaire Warren Buffett in restoring faith in turbulent financial markets. Only not by investing a comparatively meager $5 billion dollars but by doing something more substantial: canceling its Christmas line production of its “Wall Street Investment Banker Doll.” Replacing it instead with the “Che Guevara Socialist Guerilla Marketing Action Figure.”

According to Mattel, the decision to cancel the of “Wall Street Investment Banker Doll” and then replace it with “Che” is intended to send a message to the White House that it supports its plan to abandon two principals on which capitalism was founded on: Laissez Faire and Moral Hazard doctrines.

“Long gone is the age of an unregulated free market economy,” said a spokesman for Mattel. “And so too is the is the “Wall Street Investment Banker Doll” whose accessories of a brief case filled with cash, one hundred dollar cigars and Black Berries have come to represent as a role model to our children.”

In striking contrast, the “Che Guevara Socialist Guerilla Marketing Action Figure” comes with the traditional people’s revolutionary Bret (with red star), over romanticized standard issue green combat fatigues, socialist manifesto (in Spanish) and most importantly $700 billion dollars of taxpayers’ bailout money in a camouflaged satchel.

Mattel does not expect “Che” to sell very well among American children during the Charismas season because of ideological differences.

“We’re not talking any economical ideological differences,” said a spokesman for Mattel. “As the $700 billion dollar bailout of Wall Street has put that horse to bed. No. We’re talking religious issues. Mainly, because the children in our test groups displayed guilt over playing with a known atheist come Christmas morning.”

Despite religious differences, Mattel still expects sales of “Che” to outperform those expected with the “Wall Street Investment Doll” come the Charismas season.

“We had to drop it because it thanked with all our test groups just like the stock market,” said a spokesman for Mattel. “Not with the children so much, but with the parents.”

The pixilated digital footage from Mattel’s toy testing facility repeatedly shows parents busting through the laboratory doors, startling and frightening their children, as they grab the “Wall Street Investment Banker Doll” from their children’s hands.

“Often, the parents away the doll’s clothes, dismember its limbs and bite its head off,” said spokesmen for Mattel. “All in front of their children, traumatizing them. All the while, yelling out: ‘Why did you sell me a mortgage you knew I couldn’t afford? Now you want me to give you $700 billion dollars? You bastard!”

Copyright 2008 Robert W. Armijo

AMBER Alert issued for missing WaMu children; gone from their website

Seattle, Washington

Today, a spokesmen for JPMorgan Chase confirmed that the WaMu children on their website [] are indeed missing. So, authorities have been asked to issue an AMBER Alert to help locate them. The WaMu children were present on their website before the JPMorgan Chase takeover; however, they were not reported as missing until at least 24 hours after their legal names were changed to JPMorgan Chase. Ever since then, the children have not been seen or heard from.

“I don’t know what could have happen to them,” said an almost inconsolable Mrs. Mu-JPMorgan Chase. “They were there [on the website] just 24 hours ago and now they're gone.”

The WaMu children, Wa Jr. and Mu Jr., are both five-years-old twin boys, who have black hair, brown eyes, and weight approximately fifty-five pounds. They were last wearing a red and yellow sweater and blue jeans, respectfully.

The twin’s, as they are commonly referred to, favorite game is playing Peek-A-Boo in which one child, usually Wa Jr., covers the eyes of the other, Mu Jr., in a surprise from behind, a practice, which seemed to annoy their new daddy JPMorgan Chase for some unknown reason that authorities are currently looking into.

Authorities are considering the possibility that the children could have simply run away. Upset with the recent breakup of their parents the WaMus, and the apparent sudden announcement of their new daddy JPMorgan Chase, who just moved into the former WaMu website.

However, authorities have also not ruled out parental abduction by Mr. Wa who has not been seen or heard of since the breakup. Nor have they ruled out foul play by the missing children’s new daddy, JPMorgan Chase, who also cannot be reached. Only, for the reason that he is out of town on a prescheduled business trip.

“In cases like these,” said Captain Doug Copper of the Seattle police Department. “Often mom’s new boyfriend can’t stand the sight of the kids because they serve as a constant reminder of the children’s father. So, when they think no body is looking, they make the kids disappear. So to speak.”

A blogger was the first to notice and report the WaMu children missing to authorities. Even before that of Mrs. Mu-JPMorgan Chase, who did not notice her children missing at all until authorities contacted her informing her of their disappearance, which places her under suspicion by authorities as well.

“Yup, it’s a real who done it case,” said Captain Copper। “No telling where those poor kids could be. I just hope they’re okay and that we’ll all see them again real soon.”

Copyright 2008 Robert W. Armijo