Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes Bernie Sanders’ Appeal to the Nation’s Young, Using Carl Jung’s Archetype Old Man Theory

"Soon, the old man will be
long gone. I mean like, forever."

By Robert W. Armijo

“Look,” said a confident Dr. Phil to an unusually young TV studio audience. 

“I know I’m breaking with social conventions here by lending my celebrity to endorse a political candidate for public office, especially during an election year,” said Dr. Phil. 

“But hear me out first,” continued Dr. Phil. 

“Because, Bernie and Hillary are the winning ticket for the presidency come November 2016!” he said.   

Cheers arose from Dr. Phil’s youthful studio audience. 

“Settle down,” quickly added a somewhat irate Dr. Phil. “I support a Bernie and Hillary ticket rather than a Hillary and Bernie ticket, but not for the reason y’all are thinking. Now hear me out of this one first. Before you pass judgement, okay?”


The studio audience complied and silently focused their attention on Dr. Phil. 

Dr. Phil then went on to explain in complex professional conclave terms Carl Jung’s psychological concept of the archetype old man, which has constantly reappeared throughout mankind’s history regardless of time, distance, culture or religion during his entire occupation of the planet earth. 

“The way I see it,” continued Dr. Phil. “Even if he is elected president, Sanders has only got what? One or two years tops? To live, I mean. Before he dies in office."

“So why not vote for a Bernie and Hillary ticket in the fall? “ said Dr. Phil. “Hillary will be in charge in a year or two. May be even in a matter of months, if we're lucky. At least according to my calculations and most life insurance actuary tables.”

Boos, hisses and fight fights broke out among members of the youthful studio audience.    

“Think about it, folks,” Dr. Phil shouted above the fray, melee and mayhem. “We got nothing to lose. The old man will soon be long gone and out of our lives. I mean like, forever!”

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Megan Fox’s Baby Talks to Her from Her Womb Without a Ouija Board, Now

We All Watch as Megan Fox Follows
Alice's 'White Rabbit' Down Its Hole

Hollywood, California --

By Robert W. Armijo

Megan Fox shocked expectant mothers everywhere when she announced on Jimmy Kimmel Live last week that her unborn child speaks to from her womb.

The following is an unedited transcript of that strange interview. If you have seen it, you may notice how the unedited transcript differs from the aired version, which appears here in bold type.

Begin Transcript:

-------

“Really?” said a surprised and shocked Jimmy Kimmel. “You’re not putting me on? Are you?”

“No,” said a serious Megan Fox. “He talks to me all the time. In fact, he told me to move to L.A. so I did.”

[Unedited Version Begins]

“Really?” said Kimmel. “So do you use a Ouija board or what?

“Yup,” said Megan Fox. “But just at first. Now he talks to me without it.”

“What does he sound like?” asked a suspicious Kimmel.

“He has a very deep, gritty grainy gurgly voice,” said Megan Fox. 

“Are you concerned? Asked Kimmel.

“No,” said Megan Fox. “He told be he has a cold. So he won’t sound like that when he’s born.”

“What else has he told you?” asked Kimmel.  

“Well, there’s one thing he repeatedly tells me over and over again,” said Megan Fox.

“What’s that?” asked a somewhat frightened Kimmel.

“He says that as soon as he gets out of my womb,” said Megan Fox. 

“Yes,” said Kimmel as he pulled out a crucifix from his desk drawer.  

“He says that he’s going to get that snake that keeps spiting in his eye,” continued Megan Fox.

“Oh, I see,” said Kimmel, who started making the cut off signal of his hand to his throat to the TV show’s producer standing off stage. 

“He’s even told me what he wants me to name him when he’s born,” said Megan Fox.

“Really?” replied Kimmel. “What’s that? Damien?”

“No, silly,” replied Megan Fox. 

“Are you at liberty to share it with us?” asked Kimmel, as he made the sign of the cross. 

“Sure,” replied Megan Fox. “He wants me to name him, Eggbert.”

“After Speedy Eggbert the Windows-based PC game?” asked Kimmel.

“No,” replied Megan Fox. 

“Oh, I got it,” said Kimmel. “After Eggbert the Slightly Cracked Egg.”

“No,” said Megan Fox. “Like Eggbert the award winning book series about an unborn child by LAF.” 

“Of course, what was I thinking?” said a visibly relived Kimmel. “That makes perfect sense.”

-----

End Transcript


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Harambe the Gorilla Update 1: Child Confesses to Police He Wanted a Selfie with Gorilla

Mother of 3-year-old boy who fell into gorilla
enclave takes a selfie before handing
the phone over to her son.

Cincinnati, Ohio --

By Robert W. Armijo

The 3-year-old boy confessed that he wanted to take a selfie with Harambe the 17-year-old, 400-pound, silverback gorilla only after police confronted the boy with a monopod and camera recovered from the top of the primate enclosure.

Pictures from the camera digitally document in a series of shots taken the incident. 

“The first few photos show the boy climbing over the barrier wall,” said police. 

The next set shows the boy crawling through the protective brush and thicket. 

The final photo, shows a look of surprise on the boy’s face as he tumbles down 15 feet into the gorilla enclosure moat.

Police say they will present their findings to the district attorney who will determine if the boy’s family will be charged with any crimes. 

Cincinnati Children's Daycare Center Change Name to Honor Harambe  

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Artist Rendition of Harambe the Gorilla Just Moments Before His Death Released by Cincinnati Zoo Officials

Harambe, as seen through the cross-hairs
of Cincinnati zoo officials.

Cincinnati, Ohio --

By Robert W. Armijo

Claiming that the actual footage captured by the gorilla enclosure’s security camera is too graphic to release to the public, Cincinnati zoo officials instead released an artist rendition of Harambe, the 400 pound, 17-tear-old rare silverback gorilla, just moments before his was euthanized.  

An action Cincinnati zoo officials have consistently maintained was necessary to save the 3-year-old boy who fell into the gorilla enclosure last week.

All most immediately after the killing of Harambe, zoo officials become the latest targets of social media. 

Even with the release of the artist rendition of Hamrambe’s final moments, however, critics took to social media, criticizing the zoo officials for releasing the artist rendition, calling it bias, inaccurate and insensitive. 

“The portrait couldn’t be any more accurate,” insisted the director of the zoo. “That’s exactly how Harambe looked just before we had to put him down. In fact, all that’s missing from the drawing is the cross-hairs.”

    

Click Here for Harambe Update 1

Cincinnati Children's Daycare Center Changes Name to Honor Harambe 

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Prince’s Toxicology Report Links Cause of Death of 'The Purple Rain Pop Star' to Muzak

It's Music!
Not Muzak.

By Robert W. Armijo

Prince's  toxicology report just released to the public confirmed initial reports that the purple rain pop star died at his home, while in his private elevator listening to  so-called elevator "music".

“Prince died as an almost direct consequence of listening to Muzak,” the toxicology report disclosed. 

Home security video footage taken from the elevator surveillance camera captured Prince’s final tragic moments on earth.

"At first, he raises his hands in an unsuccessful attempt to cover his ears, clutching at his heart instead," said the police. 

Then he staggers a moment before dropping to the elevator floor.

Specifically, a Muzak rendition of his '1999’ same track titled album, which did not hit the top ten initially, or critical acclaim until two years later, played in an endless loop in the purple pop star's private elevator.

Ironically, it is believed that the Muzak version of his ‘'1999’ 1982 release is what triggered the fatal seizure along with his alleged prescription drug addiction, as it lacked any artist integrity and represented instead pure appeal to conformity and commercialism, which the artist both privately (formally known as the symbol) stood for and yet detested in his public life as  a Jehovah's Witness as Bother Nelson.

A public service is planned to be held for Prince without any Muzak being played during the funeral service.

However, funeral directors could not promise attendees would not be exposed to any Muzak upon the conclusion of the final ceremony, as it is automatically piped in over the public address system at the end of all funeral services. 

So they warn, if you suffer from a preexisting medical condition, the Muzak could trigger a fatal seizure in you. 

“Better bring your own music,” advised a funeral director. “Or at least a pair of good ear plugs. Who knows, it may save your life.” 

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Donald Trump Secretly Offers Monica Lewinsky 1 Million Dollars for Her Presidential Stained Blue Dress

"I just got to get my hands on that blue dress."

By Robert W. Armijo

It has been leaked to the media that Donald Trump has offered former Clinton White House intern, Monica Lewinsky a million of dollars for her blue dress, which is stained with President Clinton’s DNA. 

The blue dress became the focus of a politically motivated investigation against President Clinton in the late 1990s, which eventually lead to his impeachment and disbarment.  

All these years, it is believed Monica Lewinsky never had the blue dress cleaned after it had been stained with president’s sperm and seamen, during one of their many sexual encounters they had in the White House Oval Room, Situation Room and Rose Garden.   

A museum in Las Vegas, Nevada had been the first to offer 1 million dollars to Monica Lewinsky several years ago. 

However, she turned down the offer, stating she simply wanted to put that part of her life behind her and move on.

It has been reported that the museum had planned to publicly display the stained blue dress, using to somehow promote the city’s advertising slogan, “What Happens in Vegas. Stays in Vegas.”  

No reason was given as to why Donald Trump has not offered more then the museum’s offer for the blue dress. Except that it is believed that Trump is following the standard business practice of low balling the initial offer.

Political pundits are speculating that Donald Trump wants to acquire the blue dress stained with President Bill Clinton’s DNA to use t against is arch rival, Hillary Clinton, in his presidential bid for the White House. 

However they admit they are at a loss as to how he will use it against Hillary Clinton.  

Just last week Donald Trump purchased the intellectual property rights to the song, ‘Devil with a Blue Dress On’ song by Mitch Ryder and The Detroit Wheels.

“I can’t say with any certainty exactly what Donald Trump is planning,” said a political pundit. “However, a definite pattern is beginning to emerge.”

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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