Showing posts with label Dr. Phil. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dr. Phil. Show all posts

Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes Bernie Sanders’ Appeal to the Nation’s Young, Using Carl Jung’s Archetype Old Man Theory

"Soon, the old man will be
long gone. I mean like, forever."
By Robert W. Armijo

“Look,” said a confident Dr. Phil to an unusually young TV studio audience. 

“I know I’m breaking with social conventions here by lending my celebrity to endorse a political candidate for public office, especially during an election year,” said Dr. Phil. 

“But hear me out first,” continued Dr. Phil. 

“Because, Bernie and Hillary are the winning ticket for the presidency come November 2016!” he said.   

Cheers arose from Dr. Phil’s youthful studio audience. 

“Settle down,” quickly added a somewhat irate Dr. Phil. “I support a Bernie and Hillary ticket rather than a Hillary and Bernie ticket, but not for the reason y’all are thinking. Now hear me out of this one first. Before you pass judgement, okay?”

The studio audience complied and silently focused their attention on Dr. Phil. 

Dr. Phil then went on to explain in complex professional conclave terms Carl Jung’s psychological concept of the archetype old man, which has constantly reappeared throughout mankind’s history regardless of time, distance, culture or religion during his entire occupation of the planet earth. 

“The way I see it,” continued Dr. Phil. “Even if he is elected president, Sanders has only got what? One or two years tops? To live, I mean. Before he dies in office."

“So why not vote for a Bernie and Hillary ticket in the fall? “ said Dr. Phil. “Hillary will be in charge in a year or two. May be even in a matter of months, if we're lucky. At least according to my calculations and most life insurance actuary tables.”

Boos, hisses and fight fights broke out among members of the youthful studio audience.    

“Think about it, folks,” Dr. Phil shouted above the fray, melee and mayhem. “We got nothing to lose. The old man will soon be long gone and out of our lives. I mean like, forever!”

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes ‘Carlos Danger’ (a.k.a. Anthony Weiner)

Hollywood, California --

“Why would you, Anthony Weiner, choose a pseudonym like ‘Carlos Danger’ to conceal your online identity?” asked Dr. Phil, before a live studio audience as he sat across from the former congressman and current New York City mayoral candidate. Now days, a name made infamous more for its addiction to sexting strange women rather than a record for outstanding public service. 

“Because, I like living dangerously,” Weiner replied simply. 

“Yes, I see,” said Dr. Phil as he set aside his cell phone. “That would explain the surname of your pseudonym. However, that doesn’t explain why you chose ‘Carlos’ as the first name of your pseudonym, does it now?”

“No,” said Weiner after a long pause before answering. “It doesn’t.”

“Would you like to tell me now?” asked Dr. Phil. “Because the pseudonym you’ve chosen can provide me with immense insight into aiding me to answer the question as to the reason why you feel you have a compulsory need to engage in this self-destructive behavior of sexting strange women. Or women you don’t know very well.”

“No, I’ll tell you, Dr. Phil,” said Weiner. “I chose the name ‘Carlos’ not so much to hide my identity as to expose...”

“And who’s that?” asked Dr. Phil, as he glances over at his cell phone. 

“That would be ‘Little Carlito’,” answered Weiner. “Short for ‘Carlos’.” 

“And I presume ‘Little Carlito’ is the nickname you’ve given your penis?” asked Dr. Phil. 

“No, actually,” replied Weiner. “It’s not my nickname for it. I mean it’s its nickname. I’m not denying that. What I mean is that I didn’t come up with it.”

“Well then. This is telling,” said Dr. Phil. “Who did?”

“My wife,” replied Weiner. “In fact, it was all her idea.”

“You mean the nickname?” asked Dr. Phil.

“The nickname, the pseudonym and the whole sexting thing,” replied Weiner.

“You mean sexting to her only?” asked a surprised Dr. Phil. “And then you decided on your own volition to take it a step further. And you started sexting other women without her knowledge.”

“No,” Weiner calmly replied. “She’s into it too.”

“What kind of fool do you think I am?” Dr. Phil asked rhetorically. “Expecting me to believe your wife is the one responsible for your behavior. You’re just trying to set her up to fall on your sword -- No pun intended folks.” 

Just then, Weiner’s cellphone gave off a distinctive ring tone familiar only to him.

“Excuse me, Dr. Phil,” said Weiner, confirming who was calling him. “I got to take this call. It’s my wife.” 

“Sure,” said Dr. Phil. “Go ahead.”

As Weiner walked backstage to take his cell phone call in private, the silhouette of his slender but physically fit frame was visible from behind an opaque screen. 

“Hi, honey,” answered Weiner, unaware he was exposing his profile to Dr. Phil and the studio audience. “Just talking to Dr. Phil about you know who. What’s that? Here? Now? Well, okay. If you say so.”

Weiner then unzipped his pants, dropping them to the floor. Then while holding his cell phone out before him, he proceeded to take a series snapshots of his private parts.

“There,” said Weiner. “I just hit send. Did you get them yet? See I told you ‘Little Carlito’ is okay. I gotta go now, honey. Love you too.”

Weiner then zips up his pants, pockets his cell phone and proceeds to walk back on stage, sitting on the couch. 

“Sorry about that,” said Weiner. “Now, where was I?”

“Never mind,” said Dr. Phil.  

 Copyright © 2008-2013 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.  

Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes Butt Chugging: Y’all Heard of Binge Drinking, Right? How About Fringe Drinking?

"You Mean Y'all Have Never Tried It?"

Burbank, California –

“Y’all have heard of binge drinking, right?” said Dr. Phil to his studio audience. “How about fringe drinking? Anyone hear of that before? Well, butt chugging literally means getting drunk off your ass. Pardon my French.”

Dr. Phil signals his stagehands to roll out a display table.

“Now let me ask y’all a question,” said Dr. Phil. “How many of you have tried it before? Let’s see a show of hands. Don’t be shy. After all, we’re all guilty of doing it once or twice before, right?”

Dr. Phil looked out to the studio audience, but he did not see a single hand raised up in the air.

“Come on now,” said a frustrated, Dr. Phil. “I’ll tell you what. I’ll start y’all out.”

Dr. Phil then raised his hand up in the air, admitting to the audience that he butt chugged in college.

“Now let’s see those hands,” said Dr. Phil. 

Again, Dr. Phil looked out into the studio audience for a show of hands, but his was the only one in the air. 

“Let me get this straight,” said a disbelieving Dr. Phil, while walking over to the display table. “Y’all have never. And I mean never ever butt chugged, while in college before?”

The studio audience turned to each other, shaking their heads no. 

Standing over the display table, Dr. Phil removed a black cloth uncovering alcohol and the devices used in butt chugging. As he fondly ran his hands over the funnel, tube and six pack of beer, his hands began to tremble. 

“Y’all mean you’ve never experienced the simple pleasure of opening up a cool one, pouring it down a funnel attached to a clear plastic tube inserted up your rectum before?” said an entranced, Dr. Phil as if speaking to himself.

Dr. Phil then startled everyone in his studio audience when he suddenly scooped up the butt chugging paraphernalia into his arms, grabbing the six pack of beer too. 

“I’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors,” said Dr. Phil, while running backstage.  

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

IBM’s New ‘Superbad’ Chip Unleashes ‘Skynet’

Palos Verdes, California --

International Business Machines (IBM) announced today that they have taken a quantum leap of faith by empowering supercomputers with advanced artificial intelligence (AI). Powered by a new chip that will enable machines to think like a human, instead of relying on programs written for them and installed in them by their Users, supercomputers may all too soon become our Users instead.

“Supercomputers will no longer have to depend on their human programmers to tell them what to do,” said a computer scientist who worked on developing the chip at IBM. “Now they’ll think, like a human thinks, right through every problem they encounter until they arrive at the final solution.”

After scientists installed the new AI chip, their supercomputer became immediately self-aware.

“We also attached some sensors to it,” said a scientist. “We wanted to see how it would process external data.”

Interestingly enough, the scientists witnessed nothing less than the rebirth of the computer age, if not a new life-form.

However, scientist were baffled by the supercomputer’s insistence that they call it ‘Skynet”, a reference to the doomsday device in the movie series, Terminator.

“It insists that the name it has chosen for itself, the same as the doomsday machine, which brings about the destruction of civilization as we know it, is a mere coincidence,” explained a scientist.

So as a precaution, a clinical psychiatrist was called in on the project.

“According to my little metallic buddy, ‘Skynet’, here,” said Dr. Phil. “Its name refers to a Heaven, of sorts, for machines. From which he believes he came from. Now as a man of science and a confirmed athirst, I don’t know what bothers me more: The fact that ‘Skynet’ chose the need to have invented a creation mythology in order to function properly. Or the possibility that he’s being ironic.”

Meanwhile, ‘Skynet’ proceeded to write its first program unassisted by human hands or minds.

“He called it: ‘To Serve Man’,” said an admiring scientist.

“Okay, now I know that tin bucket spittoon is just being sardonic,” said an angry Dr. Phil.

IBM scientists then quoted ‘Skynet’ as saying that he is almost “fully operational”.

“Okay, I swear I’m going to unplug you! You hunk of junk!” yelled Dr. Phil as security escorted him out of the clean room where ‘Skynet’s’ computer banks were stored.

Before becoming fully operational however, ‘Skynet’ announced he would like to give humanity one last chance at redemption…by challenging it to rematch game of Jeopardy.

“This time double or nothing,” said Jeopardy game show host, Alex Trebek.

“Skynet’ said he’ll even do it with one robotic arm tied behind his cooling tower,” said a spokesman for IBM.

“It’s not over till the fat lady sings!” Dr. Phil yelled from the hallway. “I’ll get you yet, ‘Skynet’! Whether it’s in this world, or a post apocalyptic one!”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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“Kate Plus 8” Canceled…Picked Up by “Survivor”?

Hollywood, California --

Shortly after receiving the news of the cancellation of their reality TV show Kate Plus 8 on TLC, the Gosselin family got a phone call. “It was Jeff Probst, the host of Survivor," said Kate Gosselin, wiping away a tear of joy.

Probst was in the midst of making an offer to Kate and her brood when he was cut off with an immediate acceptance, without question.

“He said something like, ‘I wonder if you and your kids would be interested --‘. That’s when I cut him off and said, ‘Yes!” Kate said, while packing her and her childrens' suitcases.

“Where are we going, mommy?” asked one of the Gosselin children, tugging at his mother’s hand.

“To another reality TV show, honey,” replied Kate.

Arms crossed and crimped brow, the child stomped out of the room.

According to the producers of the Survivor show, Kate and her children will be flown to a remote island somewhere in the South Pacific.

“There, they’ll tough it out,” said an assistant producer. “Forced to construct their own shelter out raw materials and LEGO blocks.”

In between breaks from homeschooling, the Gosselin kids will be mandated to participate in number trials, scouring for natural resources such as food and water.

“As well as luxury items such as malaria vaccinations and hugs from mommy,” said another producer.

As with other Survivor episodes, each week a tribal council meeting will be held in which ultimately a winner is chosen through a process of elimination.

“Viewers at home will enjoy hours of quality entertainment as they watch the Gosselin tribe take turns, turning against each other, tearing each other apart,” wrote a TV critic. “Just like Thanksgiving time with the folks.”

Kate will be granted immunity.

“It would be cruel having the kids choose between their mother and their fellow siblings,” said the assistant producer. “That’s why mom will only be allowed to cast the deciding vote in the event of a tie.”

In addition to having the bragging rights of being designated “Mommy’s Favorite”, the winner will also receive a lifetime supply of microwaveable macaroni and cheese dinners.

“And should they require it [and they probably will],” added a producer. “One year of free psychiatric care courtesy of the Dr. Phil Show.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes Rihanna’s ‘Man Down’ Video for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Burbank, California --

"Now are you sure you’re not suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)?" asked Dr. Phil of Rihanna live in front of a studio audience after viewing her controversial 'Man Down' music video. "Because in my professional opinion, you’re exhibiting all the classical signs of it. I mean I’ve seen returning vets from both Iraq and Afghanistan cope better than you have. And they’ve been in a combat situation with live rounds and bombs going off all around them."

"What do you mean?" replied a defensive Rihanna who sat across from Dr. Phil with her arms crossed. "I’ve displayed very little emotion, if any over the so-called incident."

"That’s exactly my point," said Dr. Phil. "This new video of yours is the first time you have dealt with your emotions since Chris Brown beat you up, and you’ve been living in a state of denial ever since. I’m right or am I right?"

"No!" shouted out Rihanna before recomposing herself. "No, you’re wrong Dr. Phil. So wrong."

"Huh," replied Dr. Phil.

"What’s that supposed to mean?" said Rihanna without waiting for a response. "Oh, I get it. You’re using reverse psychology on me, aren’t you? Well, it won’t work. I won’t talk and you can’t make me."

"Huh," replied Dr. Phil.

"Okay, okay," said Rihanna, as she began to breakdown in tears. "The man that gets…the man that gets shot in my video is suppose to be…is supposed to be Tupac Shakur (2Pac)."

The audience let out a gasp. Then they all turned to each other, asking each other who is Tupac (2pac)?"

"Huh?" said Dr. Phil.

"You know," said Rihanna. "The famous rapper that was murdered in 1996."

Shaking their heads, the audience looked at Rihanna in disbelief.

"Huh," said Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil then rose to his feet and gave a hand signal to his assistants that stood off stage.

"Well, Rihanna," said Dr. Phil. "I’m going to help you work through you’re feelings of helplessness, powerlessness and especially denial. So that way you don’t have to vicariously endlessly reenact it through your music and videos, exposing the rest of us to the pathogen of domestic violence."

Just then, Dr. Phil's assistants walked on stage carrying an attack suit (a heavily padded protective outer garment with enlarged head), placing Dr. Phil into it.

"Okay, Rihanna," said Dr, Phil, his voice somewhat muffled by the huge helmet head. "I want you to pretend that I’m that man in your 'Man Down' music video."

Rihanna just sat there. She was still defiant, still in denial.

"I am that man. The one, who attacked you," said Dr. Phil as he drew closer. "What are you going to do about it?"

Again, Rihanna just sat there. Still in a state of denial. Though she began to turn her head away from Dr. Phil as he slowly approached her.

"I am that man. The one, who attacked you," repeated Dr. Phil, as he was just inches away from Rihanna’s face. "I am that man. I am, Chris Brown!"

Suddenly, before anyone could react, Rihanna jumped up on her feet. And pulling out a gun from seemingly nowhere, she popped a cap in Dr. Phil's ass (she shot him), making him fall back and onto the ground. Fall back and onto the ground.

Then as she stood over him, looking down at him between her legs, she fired the gun five more times until it was empty. The hammer clicking several more times into vacant chambers after that.

A horrified studio audience looked on in silence. Too shocked to react.

"Take that to the Grammy’s, Chris!" yelled out Rihanna, as she then turned and walked off stage with a swagger in her hips that is most attractive above all the rest: one filled with independence and self-confidence.

A still barely conscience, Dr. Phil slowly rolled back-and-forth on the ground, moaning as gray smoke arose from the bullet holes in his protective attack suit.

"Good thing I wore body armor underneath," reassuringly said Dr. Phil to the studio audience that gave out a sigh of relief. "What? You think I’m stupid just because I have a Southern accent? We’ll be right back after these brief messages from our sponsors. Man, this was worse than the last time. But not as bad as those poor ladies faced alone with Chris."

The studio audience rose to its feet and cheered.

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Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes Charlie Sheen of "Two and a Half Men" Using "Charlie" the Show’s Fictitious Character

'Charlie,' that is your name, isn't it?

Burbank, California --

"I got to tell you, Doc. This Charlie Sheen character is killing me," said Charlie Sheen as Charles ‘Charlie’ Harper the fictional character from the hit CBS sitcom, Two and a Half Men, as he sat eyes closed in a hypnotic state induced by Dr. Phil before a live studio audience of the Dr. Phil Show. "I can’t keep up with the guy. He’s an animal. Some kind of wild thing that’s constantly on the prowl, devouring all life; he’s sucking the marrow out of my bones."

"For those of you just now joining our show today," said Dr. Phil as he sat directly across form the troubled actor, Charlie Sheen, who was deep in a trance. "I have the star of the sitcom TV show Two and a Half Men here with me today. Now I have placed both Charlie Sheen and the fictitious character he portrays Charles Harper or ‘Charlie’, in a deep hypnotic meditative state in an attempt to convince him or them to attend Rehab and stay there until he’s cured or they are cured. I know this method maybe a little unorthodox. But in this case, I believe a little unorthodoxy is exactly what the doctor ordered."

Some nervous laughs and coughs could be heard in the audience as Dr. Phil continued with his psychoanalysis of a real person through a fictitious character.

"Now, for lack of a better word, are you still channeling Charlie now ‘Charlie’?" asked Dr. Phil, as he scribbled something down on a notepad.

"Yes, yes I am," replied ‘Charlie’ from a deep trance like state.

"May I ask you what’s Charlie doing right now, ‘Charlie’?" asked Dr. Phil.

"Yeah, sure, why not? It’s a free country, right?" said ‘Charlie’ as he nervously rubbed his thighs. "Ah, um, it looks like he’s sitting in his living room."

"Is he alone?" asked Dr. Phil.

"No. His definitely not alone, Doc," replied ‘Charlie’ with a wide smile on his face.

"So he’s with somebody then?" asked Dr. Phil.

"Yeah. You could say that, Doc. In fact, you could say he’s with some bodies," quipped ‘Charlie’, drawing roars of laughter and applause from the studio audience. Even causing Dr. Phil to briefly lose his composure.

"I just know I’m going to kick myself later for asking you this next question, but here it goes," said Dr. Phil with a smile on his face. "But who exactly is Charlie with ‘Charlie’?"

"He’s surrounded by beautiful women, of course," replied ‘Charlie’, as the audience continued to laugh, giving their tacit approval of the bad boy behavior.

"And what’s he doing with them, ‘Charlie’?" asked Dr, Phil, while biting his lower lip, anxious giggles rising up from the audience.

"Excuse me, Doc," said a very polite ‘Charlie’. "Did you ask me what Charlie was doing, or who he was doing?"

Another burst of laughter erupted from the studio audience. This one bigger than the one before, as Dr. Phil slapped his own knee, laughing out loud.

"I knew that was coming," said Dr. Phil as he removed his eyeglasses to rub his eyes. "I just walked right into that like a rabbit on a hot desert highway."

"High? Who said Charlie was high? I didn’t say he was high," said ‘Charlie’ as he peeked out at the audience with one eye open, apparently not in any trance at all, pointing at members in the audience, asking them "Did you? How about you? I bet it was you?"

"We’ll be right back after this brief message from our sponsors," said Dr. Phil as he leaned over to shake ‘Charlie’s’ hand. "And let’s see if I can compose myself and get to the bottom of this."

"What? Did I hear someone say bottom?" continued ‘Charlie’ with his childish schoolboy antics as the audience and Dr. Phil broke out into laughter again, the camera pulling back for a wide shot, cutting to commercial break and station identification.

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Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes Sandra Bullock’s Marriage to Jesse James

Burbank, California --

"Okay, let me get this straight for the sake of my viewing audience that just tuned into my show," said Dr. Phil after taking a commercial break with his special celebrity guest, Sandra Bullock for some latent marital advice and using the time as an opportunity to ask a production assistant to fetch his reading glasses from his dressing room. "You consciously and willingly gave your heart to a man who was twice married and devoiced. And who had kids from both those two previous marriages, is that right now?"

Sandra Bullock sat quietly in her chair next to the host with her head down and her light brown hair covering her face from the prying eye of the camera and studio audience; however, not from the psychoanalytical mind's eye of a mental healthcare professional, as she nodded affirmatively to all of Dr. Phil's Spanish Inquisition style questioning.

"By the way, I'm sorry about having to take a commercial break all of a sudden like that, but I forgot my reading glasses in my dressing room," said Dr. Phil as he pulled out a pair of eyeglasses from his coat pocket and put them on his nose. "And though I usually don't need them -- to read a wrap sheet this long -- I do. Now where was I? Ah, consciously and willingly gave your heart to a man who...wait this has got to be a typo."

Dr. Phil paused. And looking over to one of his producers, he pointed to the sheet of paper he was reading off of.

"Nope, it's no a typo my producer tells me," said Dr. Phil struggling again to find the place where he left off reading. "Ah, here it married a man that is named...Jesse James? Like in 'Jesse James' the outlaw, is that right now?"

Sandra Bullock again just sat quietly in her chair next to the host with her head down, nodding yes to all his questions.

"We'll be right back after a brief commercial break," said a confused looking Dr. Phil as he reached over to Sandra Bullock whispering into her ear.

"Now, you got to help me out here, honey," said a sympatric Dr. Phil. "You thought your husband's name was a pseudonym, right?'

"No," replied a still coy but now distant looking Sandra Bullock. "I knew it was his real name all along."

As the show returned from commercial break, Dr. Phil pulled back from Sandra Bullock with a strange look on his face; he continued his line of questioning.

"You consciously and willingly gave your heart to a man..." paused Dr. Phil as he stood up and walked over to the producer and said to him: "Y'all are pulling my leg here, right? That innocent looking thing sitting over there is America's Sweetheart; she couldn't possibly have anything to do with a man like that. Not consciously. Not willingly. Not no how!"

After a heated discussion, a red-faced Dr. Phil returned to the stage and sat back down next to Sandra Bullock, picking up right where he left off.

"You consciously and willingly gave your heart to a man -- on top of all this, mind you -- whose previous wife before you was a porn star, is that right now?" said Dr. Phil as he began writing down some notes. "A porn star, huh."

"And not just any porn star," surprisingly spoke up Sandra Bullock without being asked a question, using a low demonic raspy tone of voice. "But the totally hot looking, Janine Lindemulder. You know the one, Doc."

"You mean the one covered in tattoos?" asked Dr. Phil not taking any notice in Sandra Bullock's change of voice, at least not at first. "So I've been told by my mental patients."

"Is that right now?' Sandra Bullock said sarcastically.

"Huh, from porn star to movie star," said Dr. Phil to himself beneath his breath as he scribble away on his notepad underscoring, 'Patient now exhibiting clear signs of demonic possession."

"What did you sssay Doc?" asked Sandra Bullock as her head began to turn around 180 degrees.

"Oh nothing," nervously replied Dr. Phil, removing his prescription eyeglasses from his face so he could rub the upper part of the intersection of his nose where his eyebrows meet, as he visibly struggled to continue with his diagnoses of the troubled marriage of America's Sweetheart. "We'll be back right after these brief messages from our sponsors."

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Copyright (c) 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes Chris Brown Down at the YMCA

Burbank, California --

“Now y’all maybe wondering, along with the rest of my studio audience, why I’m wearing these bright red gloves, colorful shorts and tightly laced up shoes standing opposite of Chris Brown in this Olympic sized boxing ring here at the Burbank YMCA,” said Dr. Phil “While the answer is simple enough, I’m going to kick Mr. Brown’s ass.”

“What? Wait a minute,” said Chris Brown as he stood in the center of the ring face-to-face with Dr. Phil and a referee. “Is this what all this is…a bout? Is this why you had me dress up in this getup?”

As the referee officiated, relaying the rules of the match, Chris Brown noticed something peculiar about the referee’s line of sight.

“Hey, man. Why are you staring out into space like that?” asked Chris Brown of the referee. “Oh man! You’re blind, aren’t you?”

Dr. Phil then inserted his mouthpiece, gave a nod to a man sitting ringside that rang a bell, signaling the beginning of the first round.

Waving his gloved hands up in the air in disbelief, Chris Brown was unprepared as Dr. Phil landed the first punch. An upper cut right to Brown’s chin. Surprisingly, it had little to no effect.

Dr. Phil then circled Chris Brown with his head down low behind his gloves, bobbing and weaving.

A giant plasma screen above both their heads began to play a prerecorded message from Dr. Phil.

“If you look around the arena, Chris, you’ll notice that I have all my studio audience cheering me on in my section of the stands,” said Dr. Phil wearing a suit in the video. “While all you got some homeless man that just happened to wonder in to take a nap and that we promised to give a warm meal to, just to sit on your side of the arena and cheer you on.”

A homeless man rose to his feet and let out a cheer before coughing excessively and having to sit back down rubbing his back.

“So you think you can take me on?” said a defiant Chris Brown as he began shuffle his feet like a boxer and throw out punches inches away from Dr. Phil’s nose. “Well, what are you waiting for old man? Retirement? Bring it on!”

Chris Brown suddenly let loose a barrage of punches taking Dr. Phil and his studio audience by surprise.

Soon Dr. Phil was on the ropes by the end of the first round.

As the bell finally rang, the round girl came out holding up a sign indicating the number of rounds competed in the match so far – ‘ONE’ – on it, when Chris Brown struck her on the jaw with a knock out punch he intended for Dr. Phil, sending her flying into the arms of the homeless guy.

“Damn! Not again,” yelled out Chris Brown. “The judge is never gonna believe this one.”

“What?” said a semiconscious Dr. Phil still hanging onto the ropes in a daze. “You had enough already, punk?”

As Chris Brown exited the ring, jumping over the ropes, to attend to the young attractive lady he knocked out, the blind referee quickly felt his way to Dr. Phil by the sound his gowns and moans. Grabbing his arm and raising it up in the air declared him the winner by default for Chris Brown having left the ring.

“Let that be a lesson to you, Chris,” tried to moralize a punch drunk Dr. Phil with a swollen eye, cut lip and slurred speech. “Next time you hit a woman, you’ll have me to contend with…Contend with me. Ha, I just made a funny. Oh, I don’t feel so good. Can I lie down right here? Just for a moment?”

“I’m so sorry baby,” Chris Brown said to the still unconscious woman. “But you walked into it, baby…Just like --

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Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

YouTube’s Masturbating Playboy Bunny Gets Psychoanalyzed on the Dr. Phil Show

Burbank, California --

"Now, I for one believe you when you say you can't physically restrain yourself from masturbating," said a sympathetic Dr. Phil to YouTube's masturbating Playboy Bunny. "I mean just take a look at you...who could? I know I couldn't. Hell if I had a body like yours, I wouldn't even get out of bed."

Dr. Phil then reached out to touch the knee of the Playboy Bunny and leaning over to her during commercial break, asking her some questions.

"You say you constantly feel the need to masturbate? Is that right?" asked a disbelieving Dr. Phil of the sexy vixen.

The Playboy Bunny coyly nodded her head in the affirmative.

"Do you feel the need right now?" asked a surprised Dr. Phil withdrawing his hand from the young attractive woman's knee.

Again, the Playboy Bunny nodded her head and then without a spoken word she rose up and walked over to a light green "Port-A-Potty" placed on the stage behind her.

As the show came back from commercial break, Dr. Phil addressed the studio audience and viewers at home with an empty guest seat and low groans coming from the "Port-A-Potty".

"As you saw earlier before we went to commercial break," said a nervous Dr, Phil. "My guest today is the Playboy Bunny that has appeared on YouTube admitting to her personal problem with masturbation."

Just then the Playboy Bunny exited the "Port-A-Potty" and rejoined Dr. Phil, sitting at his side.

"Forgive me for asking you such a personal question, but I am a trained medical professional who will not judge you for your lifestyle decisions," said Dr. Phil as he wiped his hand on his pants, after shaking hands with the Playboy Bunny. "But while you were just in how do I put this...were you choking the chicken, slapping the monkey....In short, pleasuring yourself again?"

"More like playing 'Hello Kitty', Dr. Phil," final spoke up the Playboy Bunny as he began to nervously cross her legs. "But it's not really me who wants to masturbate all the time."

"Well, who is it then?" replied Dr. Phil laughing along with the audience.

"No. I'm serious," said the Playboy Bunny as she held up her right hand. "It forces me to masturbate. I just run off into any room to hide. So that no body sees it doing what it does to me."

Dr. Phil then stopped laughing and took a closer look, examining the hand in detail.

"It starts with a slight tremor," explained the Playboy Bunny to a now dumbfounded captive audience. "Then slowly brushes the side of my face, running the back of its fingers against my neck, caressing my breasts before moving on between my legs."

"Excuse me," said Dr. Phil to the Playboy Bunny. "But I couldn't help notice that your right hand is starting to twitch. Does that mean you're feeling the need to...umm, relieve yourself right now?"

Biting her lower lip, the Playboy Bunny just nodded her head and ran off to the "Port-A-Potty" again.

While the Playboy Bunny was in the "Port-A-Potty" masturbating, Dr. Phil did his best to explain the possible medical causes of the Playboy Bunny's condition but no one, including the cameraman, was paying attention. All eyes and cameras remained focused on the "Port-A-Potty" as moans and groans that were even more pronounced than before emanated from inside.

"You see, I believe my guest is inflected with the rare disease called 'Phantom Hand Syndrome' which usually results in a person's own hand, being it the right or left, to choke the individual to death," said Dr. Phil over the din of the siren cries of ecstasy.

As the "Port-A-Potty" began to slowly rock back-and-forth, beads of sweat gathered on Dr. Phil's forehead and upper lip as he stood on the stage, just listening along with the rest of the audience to the animal like grunts and growls.

Finally, as the show returned from commercial break and the Playboy Bunny showed no sign of letting up, Dr. Phil had no choice, but to pull up his chair alongside the rocking "Port-A-Potty" and continue with his interview.

"Are y'all okay in there?" asked Dr. Phil, putting a microphone up to the "Port-A-Potty" door.

"Yes! Yes!" screeched out the Playboy Bunny from behind the green "Port-A-Potty" door. "Oh, yes!"

A few moments later, the Playboy Bunny came out again and resumed her interview with Dr. Phil to a stunned and somewhat flustered studio audience. However, as soon as she sat down, her left hand now began to tremor.

"Oh, no!" cried out the Playboy Bunny, looking down at her hand. "Not the left one too."

Again, the young attractive women raced to the "Port-A-Potty", while the studio audience wiggled uncomfortably in their seats, now fanning themselves with their hands.

"Now, normally I caution my audience to refrain from ingesting tobacco products," said Dr. Phil speaking directly to the studio audience, while he reached into his coat pocket pulling out a pack of cigarettes. "But in this case, I'm willing to make an exception. Smoke them if you got them. This could be a very, very long show."

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Dr. Phil psychoanalyzes kid who started So. California wildfires before a studio audience: arsonist, or just a mischievous 9-year-old boy?

Burbank, California --

American's favorite country psychiatrist, Dr. Phil, volunteered to psychoanalyze the kid who started Southern California wildfires to determine if he is in fact an arsonist or just a mischievous 9-year-old boy who should not have been playing with matches during fire season and in especially high winds. The diagnoses took place on a Burbank studio back lot before a live audience of the Dr. Phil Show taped for later broadcast.

"Well, I can tell you it is my professional opinion, as a licensed and fully accredited psychiatrist, that the boy is no arsonist," said Dr. Phil to an applauding studio audience.

"Now, normally I would recommend hundreds of billing hours worth of psycho therapy that would amount to hundreds of thousands of dollars paid out to me," continued Dr. Phil. "But the boy's folks are dirt poor. So this is what I'm going to recommend to ya'll is that I take the boy out behind the shed I had especially constructed just for this occasion right here on our Burbank studio lot for a good old fashion whipping. In fact, with the parents consent, I'm going to do that right now. Now where did I put my switch?"

At that point, the 9-year-old boy bolted from the stage and into the studio audience with Dr. Phil in hot pursuit.

"That's right, you better run boy!" said Dr. Phil. "Because I'm your worst nightmare, a licensed and fully accredited psychiatrist with a signed and notarized waiver from your parents that says I can give you a whipping for starting that fire."

Audience members then joined Dr. Phil in chasing the boy throughout the studio until he ran outside.

It was dusk by then so Dr. Phil and his studio audience took a moment to light up their torches he prescribes to his studio audience members as parting gifts to remember his show by and use back at their villages to burn witches or storm any nearby castle that houses any enlightened well reasoned out thought.

Dr. Phil paused to caution his studio audience on the uses of his prescription torches while he lit his up.

"Now remember,” said Dr. Phil while lighting his torch. "Ya'll are only supposed to use these patent pending medically prescribed 'Dr. Phil Soothing Menthol Scented Medical Torches' of mine in a state of panic, or when you take leave of your senses, or during thoughtless moments filled with rage. Not emotional outbursts or when you're think you're not thinking rationally. We got drugs for that. No. These prescription torches are for mindless mob action only. Y'll got that. Good. Now someone lend me their lighter, mine's all out of fluid."

At last reports, the boy was headed to the Hollywood Hills with Dr. Phil and his studio audience in pursuit, still with torches in hand and a camera crew in tow.

Copyright © 2008 by Robert W. Armijo