Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts

Megan Fox’s Baby Talks to Her from Her Womb Without a Ouija Board, Now

We All Watch as Megan Fox Follows
Alice's 'White Rabbit' Down Its Hole
Hollywood, California --

By Robert W. Armijo

Megan Fox shocked expectant mothers everywhere when she announced on Jimmy Kimmel Live last week that her unborn child speaks to from her womb.

The following is an unedited transcript of that strange interview. If you have seen it, you may notice how the unedited transcript differs from the aired version, which appears here in bold type.

Begin Transcript:


“Really?” said a surprised and shocked Jimmy Kimmel. “You’re not putting me on? Are you?”

“No,” said a serious Megan Fox. “He talks to me all the time. In fact, he told me to move to L.A. so I did.”

[Unedited Version Begins]

“Really?” said Kimmel. “So do you use a Ouija board or what?

“Yup,” said Megan Fox. “But just at first. Now he talks to me without it.”

“What does he sound like?” asked a suspicious Kimmel.

“He has a very deep, gritty grainy gurgly voice,” said Megan Fox. 

“Are you concerned? Asked Kimmel.

“No,” said Megan Fox. “He told be he has a cold. So he won’t sound like that when he’s born.”

“What else has he told you?” asked Kimmel.  

“Well, there’s one thing he repeatedly tells me over and over again,” said Megan Fox.

“What’s that?” asked a somewhat frightened Kimmel.

“He says that as soon as he gets out of my womb,” said Megan Fox. 

“Yes,” said Kimmel as he pulled out a crucifix from his desk drawer.  

“He says that he’s going to get that snake that keeps spiting in his eye,” continued Megan Fox.

“Oh, I see,” said Kimmel, who started making the cut off signal of his hand to his throat to the TV show’s producer standing off stage. 

“He’s even told me what he wants me to name him when he’s born,” said Megan Fox.

“Really?” replied Kimmel. “What’s that? Damien?”

“No, silly,” replied Megan Fox. 

“Are you at liberty to share it with us?” asked Kimmel, as he made the sign of the cross. 

“Sure,” replied Megan Fox. “He wants me to name him, Eggbert.”

“After Speedy Eggbert the Windows-based PC game?” asked Kimmel.

“No,” replied Megan Fox. 

“Oh, I got it,” said Kimmel. “After Eggbert the Slightly Cracked Egg.”

“No,” said Megan Fox. “Like Eggbert the award winning book series about an unborn child by LAF.” 

“Of course, what was I thinking?” said a visibly relived Kimmel. “That makes perfect sense.”


End Transcript

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:

Chinese Acupuncture Study Says, “All Infertile Women Need is a Little Prick”

Yuen Long, Hong Kong –

Touting the modern day medical benefits of ancient Chinese medicine, it was announced today that acupuncture increases fertility among women having difficulty conceiving babies.

“All infertile women need is a little prick once or twice a week to get pregnant,” said Hugh Wang, M.D. and fertility specialist. “It’s as easy as that. No big deal.”

In a double-blind test conducted by Dr. Wang on his patients at his fertility clinic in Hong Kong, one of the three control groups of infertile women were treated with acupuncture for a few secessions. While the other two control groups were either simply not treated with acupuncture at all, or given a placebo consisting of electroshock therapy.

“The group that received acupuncture from me,” said Dr. Wang as he opened the door to his medical suite, which was illuminated only by candlelight and thumped to the beat of an Al Green love ballad playing in the background. Muffled only by the wall to wall 1970s-style orange shag carpet.

Dr. Wang immediately excused himself as he ran around his medical office extinguishing vanilla scented candles, turning up the lights and turning down the volume on his state-of-the-art sound system.

“Sorry about that,” said a somewhat winded Dr. Wang as he apologized for the interruption and explained the situation. “My nurse must have stepped out for lunch and left everything turned on.”

According to Dr. Wang, the scented candles were aromatherapy. And together with the dimmed lights and music help get his patients in the mood -- For the acupuncture that is.

“Now let’s see, where was I?” said a recomposed Dr. Wang. “Oh yeah. The group that received my -- I mean -- the acupuncture treatment definitely showed increases in the rate of pregnancies, while the others did not.”

Dr. Wang then toured the hallway, which he fondly refers to as his “Hall of Fame”.

“See how it is lined on both sides and from the floor to ceiling with pictures of newborn babies?” proudly said Dr. Wang. “Their mothers all received my -- I mean -- the acupuncture treatment.”

Then Dr. Wang paused a moment, singling out a particular photograph of a baby boy well hung on the wall.

“Ah, I remember this little squirt,” said Dr. Wang as he carefully held the only golden framed photo in his hands, as if cradling a baby. “His mother was a very difficult case. I had to give her several treatments a day, weeks and even months at a time. It seemed like years had passed, until I finally her got pregnant. I remember because it all most killed me and nearly destroyed my practice.”

Dr. Wang was admitted to the hospital, treated for dehydration.

When the doctor was released the next day, he returned to his medical office only to find that it had sustained significant smoke and water damage when the fire department extinguished a fire started by an unattended scented candle.

“Fortunately, my Hall of Fame and signed copy of my Al Green CD were spared,” said Dr. Wang, as he gently put the picture back up on the wall. “You know, he’s the only baby named after me out of all the mothers I treated. Yeah, she calls him her ‘Little Wang’. Isn’t that nice? So nice.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

OctoMom’s Doc: I could’ve gone plumper

Los Angeles, California --

During an emotional PowerPoint presentation that was obviously engineered to sway the members of the California medical board in favor of the investigators trying to revoke the medical license of fertility specialist, Dr. Michael Kamrava, who stands accused of violating the medical ethics of his profession by implanting 12 embryos (instead of the recommended two) into the so-called “OctoMom” (Nadya Suleman, divorced), sat quietly.

Although the doctor watched the presentation in silence, he cut his own throat by inadvertently surrendering self-incrimination testimony at the conclusion of the slide show.

“I don’t know,” said a reporter who attended the hearing. “He didn’t seem phased at all by the pregnant pictures of Suleman. In fact, he looked like he was admiring them.”

In the darkened medical board room, images of the alleged victim’s bloated ballistic-like belly reflected off the doctor’s spectacles, as a synchronized soundtrack from the movie “Titanic” played in the background.

As one series of photos ended, another series began; seemingly filling up the projector screen with an endless pride of OctoMom posing in various protruding positions and gigantic states of gestation.

However, as soon as the projector screen went bleach white plank, pausing between each of the 35-year-old Suleman’s 14 pregnancies (as the computer struggled loading up the new data on its hard drive), people eagerly moved about in their seats in anticipation of the lights coming up, only to be disappointed when more pregnant photographs of OctoMom assaulted them instead.

Gasps of shock and disgust, which emanated from the sympatric audience in the beginning, were quickly replaced by groans of “Oh man, not another one” or “What the? Not again!” by the end.

Finally, as the slideshow presentation concluded, the fertility specialist leaned over to whisper into his attorney’s ear.

“I could’ve gone plumper,” gloated the accused as the lights came back on in the room.

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo