“Now, I know a universal complaint among women is that all men want from them is sex,” said Dr. Phil. “And that’s all we want. And all the time.”
Women in the studio audience applaud, as the men cheer and let out catcalls.
“Constantly asking for it; begging for it,” continued Dr. Phil. “Sometimes even to the point of ad nauseam. Am I right, ladies? It’s okay, we’re all adults here. You can admit it.”
Women in the studio audience applaud, as the men fall silent.
“Now, I also know that this constant asking and begging on the receiving end for sex can even seem like sexual harassment. Or at the very least, feel like you’re being objectified,” said Dr. Phil. “And quite honestly would otherwise be considered sexual harassment, if it were conducted in the workplace by a boss upon a subordinate. However, since most of this constant asking and begging for sex occurs in the context of a consenting adult relationship in a domestic setting, women tolerate it, passing it off as par for the course.”
Women in the studio audience nod and applaud in agreement, as the men remain silent. Some men even slouch down in their seats.
“It often leads to heated arguments or the old standard, ‘Not tonight, honey. I have a headache’ routine,” said Dr. Phil.
The audience laughs.
“Look, it’s no laughing matter,” said Dr. Phil.
Women in the studio audience nod in agreement as do the men.
“Well,” said Dr. Phil. “No more. You men don’t have debase yourselves by begging or even asking for sex from your significant other, ever again. And you women can stop feeling as if your’re being sexually harassed or objectified. And you can now stop feeling guilty for having to lie to your beloved one too. Never having to say, ‘Not tonight, honey. I have a headache’, ever again. Unless, that is, you really do have a headache.”
Both men and women in the studio audience laugh, cheer and applaud. Some even wiping away tears.
“Now, I’m going to introduce you to a typical couple that is troubled by this very issue,” said Dr. Phil. “But more importantly provide them -- and you -- with my patent pending ‘Sexual Psychotherapy Solution’ for couples experiencing a breakdown in sexual communication.”
Dr. Phil then signals to roll a pre-taped in studio interview recorded the week before. Momentarily he appears on the big screen with a couple, man and wife.
“I just introduced y’all to my studio audience -- and that y’all will met a week from now -- as a typical married couple,” said Dr. Phil. “Now when I describe you two as typical I mean it in the sense that as a couple, y’all are locked into traditional gender roles and sexual stereotypes, as man and woman, is that right?”
The couple nods in agreement, while holding hands.
“And by that I mean,” continued Dr. Phil. “You as a man are constantly begging for sex from this poor woman here, is that right?”
The man shamefully nods in agreement.
Dr. Phil, turning to the wife.
“And by that I mean,” continued Dr. Phil. “You, as a woman, are constantly denying this poor deprived man of sex. At least more sex than you feel he should have or that you feel he has a right or privilege to, is that right?”
The woman shamefully nods in agreement.
“And this all lends itself to the both of you arguing or lying to each other, is that right?” said Dr. Phil.
Both the woman and the man shamefully nod in agreement.
“And it’s not just the arguing or the lying that’s tearing the two of you apart, as if that wasn’t enough, is that right?” said Dr. Phil.
“No,” tearfully replied the woman. “I feel he’s objectifying me.”
“By asking you for sex so much, is that right?” Dr. Phil confirmed.
“And I feel she’s trying to control me by denying me sex to the point that I have to beg for it,” added the man.
“So you feel she’s trying to modifying your behavior by denying or granting your requests for sex?” asked Dr. Phil.
“Yes,” replied the man. “I feel I’m being manipulated.”
“You want to talk about manipulating?” said the woman. “How about all those positions you’re always asking from me? And those ridiculous poses you’re constantly putting me in. I feel like freaking Gumby over here and you’re [BLEEP] Pokey. You know, if you wanted that, you should’ve married a [BLEEP] contortionist. Am I right, Dr. Phil?”
“Umm,” uttered Dr. Phil, as the woman continued her sortie.
“And the things you want me to do to you,” said the woman.” How would you like it if your sister’s boyfriend asked her to do that to him?”
“I told you leave my relatives out of this,” the man replied. “Besides, it’s not the same. It’s an unfair comparison. Like apples and oranges.”
“Don’t you mean coconuts and bananas?” the woman quipped.
“You’re the one that got me started on that,” said the man.
“Oh really?” the woman cracked. “When?”
“When?” repeated the man. “Ah, that first time we met. At that nightclub.”
“Dante’s Inferno?” asked the woman.
“Yeah,” answered the man.
“You remember that?” the woman asked rhetorically and affectionately.
“How could I forget,” the man replied. “It was the first time I saw you tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue.”
“So that’s why you’re always asking me to…you know,” said the woman.
“Yeah,” answered the man.
“Because, it reminds you of the first time we met?” the woman asked.
“Yeah,” answered the man.
“You see?” said the woman, quickly changing her demeanor. “What a load of [BLEEP]. How stupid do you think I am?”
As Dr. Phil signals to turn up the lights, the giant TV screen freeze frames the image of the woman’s angry face. Slowly it fades away.
“I’m going to stop the tape right there,” said Dr. Phil. “And bring out our couple for y’all to meet right now.”
The studio audience applauds as the couple takes their seats on stage.
“As you can see from that video,” said Dr. Phil. “Requests for sex can quickly degrade into hostile exchanges between the most loving of couples. And needlessly so, I might add.”
Dr. Phil then went into great detail about his patent pending ‘Sexual Psychotherapy Solution’ for couples experiencing a breakdown in communication in the bedroom.
Explaining just how it works, Dr. Phil pulls out two small wooden figurines, a man and a woman, from a box that very much resembled a childhood board game.
Placing them on a nearby table, Dr. Phil first has them both standing up and then both lying down. Then he alternates between each figurine, having one lying down while the other is standing and vice versa.
“Shop talk aside,” explained Dr. Phil. “The bottom line is that the couple channels their communication through these small wooden figurines or dolls. And by doing so avoid a confrontation over sex. Of course, the couple has to commit to delegating their right to express themselves verbally to these pair of little dolls and let them do all the talking for them instead.”
The studio audience applauds.
“Now in exchange for this peace of mind,” Dr. Phil continued. “The couple agrees to strictly adhere to the other’s doll as if it was their own. Each will respect the other’s request to have sex, or not to have sex, as if they were making it themselves. And above all, not to abuse each other’s trust.”
Dr. Phil then turned his attention to the couple.
“So then,” said Dr. Phil. “Tell me. How did it go? How did my patent pending ‘Sexual Psychotherapy Solution’ workout for y’all?”
“Well,” said the wife, doing all the talking for the couple. “We did…Or at least I did just as you said to do.”
“So y’all followed my instructions then?” Dr. Phil asked. “Because I’m detecting a tone here.”
“Let’s just say, for my part, I followed your instructions, Dr. Phil,” the wife replied.
“And I suppose,” the woman continued, looking over at her husband. “Technically speaking, he did too.”
As the woman spoke, she leaned over to Dr. Phil, returning to him her wooden female figurine. It appeared scorched and broken.
The husband sat motionlessly. Slouching down in his chair with his arms folded across his chest. At times peeking up his head, looking over at the studio audience.
“And my patent pending ‘Sexual Psychotherapy Solution’ didn’t work?” asked a surprised and confused looking, Dr. Phil.
“Oh, it worked alright,” sarcastically replied the wife.
Dr. Phil nods.
“In fact, it worked too well,” said the woman. “Just not for me.”
“How so?” asked Dr. Phil, as he nervously rolled the wooden female figurine back and forth on his thigh.
“Well,” explained the wife. “We did just what you said we were to do. In fact, it was the first thing we did when we got home after your show last week. We each placed our figurines up on the mantel. His in the prone position, of course. And mine in the standing position at first.”
“Indicating he wanted sex and you didn’t, is that right?” said an anxious Dr. Phil.
“That’s right,” replied the wife. “But like I said, I placed mine in the standing position. At least at first.”
“Then what happened?” asked Dr. Phil, visibly taken in by the tale.
“Then our fingers accidentally touched,” said the wife. “I felt something I hadn’t felt in years. Something wonderful and yet familiar.”
“Then what happened?” asked Dr. Phil.
“We drowned in the pools of each other’s eyes,” the woman responded. “I didn’t even notice that I re-positioned my figurine in the prone position.”
“Indicating that the both of you wanted to have sex, is that right?” said Dr. Phil with his hand on his chin.
“No,” replied the wife.
“No?” said Dr. Phil, his hand slipping from his chin.
“No,” repeated the wife.
“If not sex, what then?” asked Dr. Phil.
“Love,” the wife simply replied.
The audience sighed.
“We didn’t have sex, Dr. Phil,” the woman clarified. “We made love.”
The studio audience applauded.
“I don’t get it,” said Dr. Phil, shrugging his shoulders. “It sounds to me like my patent pending ‘Sexual Psychotherapy Solution’ worked. I’d even go so far to say that it’s responsible for causing, quite possibly, one of the most romantic moments I ever heard of.”
The studio audience applauds.
“Yes,” the wife replied. “And I agree. It may have been the most romantic experience I had in my life.”
The husband yawns and stretches his legs out from his chair.
“So what went wrong?” asked Dr. Phil. “And why are you returning just your figurine? What happened to your husband’s figurine?”
“That’s just it,” replied the wife. “It’s back at home.”
“At home?” repeated Dr. Phil.
“Yes,” replied the woman. “You see, after the first day, numb nuts here nailed both our wooden figurines down to the mantel flat.”
“Prone position?” asked Dr. Phil.
“Prone position,” replied the woman.
“Oh, I see,” said Dr. Phil.
“It gets worse,” the woman continued.
“It gets worse?” repeated Dr. Phil.
“After I managed to pry mine loose,” said the woman. “The next day he bolted them down.”
“Prone position?” asked Dr. Phil.
The woman nodding her head.
“You poor woman,” said Dr. Phil.
“He’s been all over me all week long like Peter Rabbit in Mr. McGregor's garden,” the wife complained. Her husband sat smiling.
Dr. Phil then pressed a finger up to his hear piece.
“What’s that?” asked Dr. Phil, speaking with the director. “That’s all the time we have for today?”
“That’s not all,” continued the woman, as the ‘Dr. Phil Show’ theme music came on. “After I wiggled loose the bolts with my teeth, because know who wanted to play out his Santa Claus fantasy, he had the entire mantel bronzed.”
“With both figurines in the prone position?” asked a horrified Dr. Phil.
The man nodding his head.
“Good Lord,” replied Dr. Phil. “Please have mercy on this child.”
The studio audience nodded in agreement.
“But I finally broke mine free,” said the woman, grabbing her damaged figurine away from Dr. Phil and holding it up for the audience to see.
The studio audience applauded and cheered.
“Listen, I’m certain I’m going to regret ever asking you this,” Dr. Phil said hesitantly. “But I’m curious, why with your teeth?”
“Ever tried removing a bolt wearing hooves?” the woman replied. “And a red blinking bulbous nose on the end of your muzzle?”
“You mean you were --” Dr. Phil attempted to ask, before being cut off.
“Yup,” replied the woman. “I was Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”
“Ho-ho-ho,” the husband cried out, finally sitting up in his chair.
“Yeah,” added the wife, speaking to the studio audience. “That’s what Dr. Phil’s patent pending ‘Sexual Psychotherapy Solution’ will make out of you, too.”