Dr. Phil psychoanalyzes kid who started So. California wildfires before a studio audience: arsonist, or just a mischievous 9-year-old boy?

Burbank, California --

American's favorite country psychiatrist, Dr. Phil, volunteered to psychoanalyze the kid who started Southern California wildfires to determine if he is in fact an arsonist or just a mischievous 9-year-old boy who should not have been playing with matches during fire season and in especially high winds. The diagnoses took place on a Burbank studio back lot before a live audience of the Dr. Phil Show taped for later broadcast.

"Well, I can tell you it is my professional opinion, as a licensed and fully accredited psychiatrist, that the boy is no arsonist," said Dr. Phil to an applauding studio audience.

"Now, normally I would recommend hundreds of billing hours worth of psycho therapy that would amount to hundreds of thousands of dollars paid out to me," continued Dr. Phil. "But the boy's folks are dirt poor. So this is what I'm going to recommend to ya'll is that I take the boy out behind the shed I had especially constructed just for this occasion right here on our Burbank studio lot for a good old fashion whipping. In fact, with the parents consent, I'm going to do that right now. Now where did I put my switch?"

At that point, the 9-year-old boy bolted from the stage and into the studio audience with Dr. Phil in hot pursuit.

"That's right, you better run boy!" said Dr. Phil. "Because I'm your worst nightmare, a licensed and fully accredited psychiatrist with a signed and notarized waiver from your parents that says I can give you a whipping for starting that fire."

Audience members then joined Dr. Phil in chasing the boy throughout the studio until he ran outside.

It was dusk by then so Dr. Phil and his studio audience took a moment to light up their torches he prescribes to his studio audience members as parting gifts to remember his show by and use back at their villages to burn witches or storm any nearby castle that houses any enlightened well reasoned out thought.

Dr. Phil paused to caution his studio audience on the uses of his prescription torches while he lit his up.

"Now remember,” said Dr. Phil while lighting his torch. "Ya'll are only supposed to use these patent pending medically prescribed 'Dr. Phil Soothing Menthol Scented Medical Torches' of mine in a state of panic, or when you take leave of your senses, or during thoughtless moments filled with rage. Not emotional outbursts or when you're think you're not thinking rationally. We got drugs for that. No. These prescription torches are for mindless mob action only. Y'll got that. Good. Now someone lend me their lighter, mine's all out of fluid."

At last reports, the boy was headed to the Hollywood Hills with Dr. Phil and his studio audience in pursuit, still with torches in hand and a camera crew in tow.

Copyright © 2008 by Robert W. Armijo