Showing posts with label Charlie Sheen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Charlie Sheen. Show all posts

Charlie Sheen’s Secret Blood Transfusion with a Bengal Tiger in Bangladesh Tests Positive for Feline "AIDS"


Dr. Jarjar tiger's test results are positive for feline AIDS
-- Dhaka, Bangladesh

By Robert W. Armijo

Dr. Jarjar of Dhaka, Bangladesh confirmed today that the tiger that movie star and TV actor Charlie Sheen had a blood transfusion with has tested positive for the feline immunodeficiency virus (FIV) or more commonly referred to as cat AIDS.

The blood transfusion had taken place at the doctor’s clinic in the People’s Republic of Bangladesh back in 2011 where human to tiger and tiger to human blood transfusions were still legal. Though they have since been outlawed, it is believe one can still buy tiger’s blood on the black market.  

In the media, Charlie Sheen often attributed his stamina to resist drug addiction due to his use of tiger blood. 

However, it is believed the tiger blood transfusion simply allowed Charlie Sheen to skip Rehab so he could continue to work without interruption. 

“Of course, the tiger was sent to Rehab instead,” said Dr. Jarjar. 

There the tiger spent a little over six months recovering from the Charlie Sheen blood transfusion. 

“I didn’t anticipate such a long recovery period,” said Dr. Jarjar. “Mr. Sheen’s blood had more chemical toxins than anyone realized.”

Last month, Dr. Jarjar began to notice the tiger had begun to lose weight.

Bengal_Tiger.jpeg
Dr. Jarjar's tiger just before weight loss,
stripes fell off and were replaced by spots. 
Dr. Jarjar's cause for concern only heightened when one day the tiger’s stripes fell off and spots appeared where the stripes once were.

Dr. Jarjar could not account for the weight loss, stripes falling off and the sudden appearance of spots were the stripes once were until he recalled reading an article in Variety

“It could have been The Hollywood Reporter,” said Dr. Jarjar. “I’m not sure.”

In that article, Dr. Jarjar recalled reading that Charlie Sheen had admitted to having contracted HIV.

“So I became spacious,” said Dr. Jarjar, who then conducted a blood test for feline AIDS on his tiger.

“The test came back positive,” said a visibly distressed Dr. Jarjar.

Dr. Jarjar has since conducted several more tests to rule out the possibility of a false positive. 

“Sadly, they all yielded the same result as the first,” said Dr. Jarjar with a slight tremor in his voice.  

Dr. Jarjar says he currently has no plans to take legal action against Charlie Sheen.  

However, he says he is not ruling anything out in the future.

Legal experts say it will not be an easy case to make as Dr. Jarjar will have first prove that it was Charlie Sheen who gave his tiger FIV and not anyone else. 

For now, Dr. Jarjar just wants to use his tiger’s illness as an occasion to educate people and bring awareness to the plight of felines infected with FIV.

“It’s all I can do for now,” said Dr. Jarjar, as he struggled to hold back tears. 

“Oh, and don’t forget to spay or neuter your cats," continued Dr. Jarjar. "It helps reduce the spread of FIV."

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot," added Dr. Jarjar at the last moment. "And I especially wouldn't give Charlie Sheen a blood transfusion from your cat, or even it’s milk, because I hear he’s into that now. If you do, you may live to regret it. Like me."


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

"Beverly Hills Cop" Called to Charlie Sheen’s House; Screams Reported

Beverly Hills, California –

A quiet suburb of Beverly Hills was suddenly awoken in the middle of the night by screams coming from Charlie Sheen’s house last night.

"We were all sound asleep," said Shirley Johnson, a neighbor who lives across the street from Charlie Sheen. "When we all heard Charlie scream out like he was dying or something."

Initially, everyone sat up in their beds, believing they were dreaming.

"I thought it was a nightmare," said another neighbor. "And I was right. Only it wasn’t me having the nightmare. It was Charlie."

According to the police incident report and 911 tapes, Charlie Sheen’s outbursts would occur intermittently in one-minute intervals with five-minute breaks in-between screams.

"Hold on a minute and you’ll hear it for yourself," said Mrs. Johnson to the 911 emergency operator, as she held her telephone outside her second story bedroom window.

A few seconds later came a bone-chilling scream: "Oh my God! I don’t have a job!"

"You see," said Mrs. Johnson to the 911 operator. "What did I tell you? You can set your watch to it."

Charlie Sheen’s screaming continued even after the police arrived.

"They were finally able to calmed him down by threatening to arrest him," said Mrs. Johnson. "Telling him that he was causing a disturbance."

"Mr. Sheen quickly regained his composure," said police. "So no arrest was necessary. In fact, he even yelled out an apology to his neighbors from his front lawn; waved goodbye to us before closing his door and shutting off his porch light."

Minutes later, Charlie Sheen’s sent out a text message to his fans: “OMG! i don’t have a J…O…B!”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Is Charlie Sheen ‘Down and Out in Beverly Hills’?

Beverly Hills, California –

Rumor has it that since he got fired from 'Two and a Half Men' earlier this year, Charlie Sheen has been (no pun intended) desperately pitching a remake of the movie ‘Down and Out in Beverly Hills’. Which he will star, playing Nick Nolte’s role in the hit from the 1980s.

"I wish you all the luck in the world little buddy," said Nick Nolte to Charlie Sheen in a phone conversation the two shared. Sheen asked Nolte for his blessing, notify him that he was redoing the movie, casting himself in Nolte’s former role as the bum.

"I hope it brings you as much success as it has me," continued Nolte. "Say, I heard they’re looking for someone to take your place on 'Two and a Half Men'. You think I got a chance?"

Charlie Sheen then informed Nick Nolte that Ashton Kutcher had already filled the position.

"That little [BLEEP]?!"said Nick Nolte. "Gee, that’s too bad. I would have done that job for food."

"Charlie Sheen can really relate to Nolte’s character in that movie. Both are down their luck," explained a spokesman for Charlie Sheen. "Charlie has been through so much. He has been divorced twice, lost his job. He has been reduced to an utter state of poverty. For God’s sakes he’s down to one Goddess and has had to move from his 7.2 million dollar home into a 6.8 million-dollar house. If that’s not down and out in Beverly Hills then I don’t know what is."

Unfortunately for Charlie Sheen, just as he was about to sign the multimillion-dollar movie deal, Ashton Kutcher got wind of the project and quickly calling his agent, he stole the job right from under Sheen's feet.

Charlie Sheen reportedly responded by tweeting Ashton Kutcher congratulations. The gentlemen then expressed mutual admiration for each other.

"You're the dude, dude," Tweeted Sheen to Kutcher.

"Nah, you're the dude, dude," Tweeted back Kutcher to Sheen.


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Charlie Sheen Retools 'Torpedo of Truth Tour' with Canned Laughter

Charlie’s Goddesses
"Buzy" “Retooling”?


New York, New York --

After being booed in Detroit last Saturday night, Charlie Sheen came prepared to his Chicago and New York gigs. This time bringing a little Hollywood magic to the stage: canned laughter.

"Not only that," said a stagehand on the tour. "Charlie hired one of the sound engineers from his show ‘Two and a Half Men’ to make some special modifications to it."

The device known in the TV industry as canned laughter (a simple recording of people laughing) has become an industry standard, queuing viewing audiences watching at home when to laugh. However, that was not enough for Charlie Sheen.

"He ordered the sound engineer to rig the canned laughter machine not only to drown out boos and catcalls," said the stagehand. "But to convert them into laughter."

"I just don’t get it," said Todd Johnson, 37. "All my friends and me were booing the whole time."

And the more Todd and his friends booed, the louder the laughter came from the crowd.

Finally, Todd and his friends gave up and waited out the show. Too afraid their walkout would anger the audience.

"Judging from the audience’s reaction last night," said Charlie Sheen in his typical arrogant manner at a press conference after the show in Chicago. "I’d say last night’s performance was f---king WINNING!!! Wouldn’t you? Loser! What? You’re not laughing? Wait, I can fix that. Hey, you in the back! Queue the God [BLEEP] machine, would you!"

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Charlie Sheen’s ‘WINNING!’ Tweets Keeps Japanese Quake/Tsunami Victim Alive


Tokyo, Japan -

"I’m still trapped under the rubble of a 3rd story building, which was once my place of employment," calmly tweets Aki Hayashi, 39, a businessman from an unknown location somewhere in the disaster zone of lwate Prefecture in Northern Japan. That just suffered an 8.9-magantude earthquake and subsequent tsunami on Friday.

While waiting to be rescued, however, Aki passes the time following Charlie Sheen’s Twitter account updated hourly.

"If it wasn’t for Charlie’s inspirational texts," continued tweeting Aki from his entombment. "I’m certain I would have given up on being the first to be rescued long ago."

Aki and his fellow trapped co-workers have even started an office pool, wagering as to who will likely be rescued first among the group based on the celebrity they have chosen to follow on Twitter from their personal hellhole.

"I hate to say it, but the others have no chance," Aki tweeted as the rubble settles, shifting side-to-side and the water level begins to rise. "I will be the first one to be rescued because they have foolishly chosen to follow John Stamos and Rindsay Rohan."

Aki attributes his increased chances of being the first to be extracted from the debris, unlike that of his co-workers, to his keeping heart and choosing someone who is an actual celebrity, or at least is not about to be incarcerated.

"Charlie gives me hope," Aki texts, while holding his cell phone above his head, the water level now up to his chin. "Because he continues to cheat death and elude the authorities at every turn. And he will continue to do so for an indefinite period of time, or at least until I am rescued. That I am certain."

Aki claims that Charlie Sheen is his "Tiger Blood".

"I've never met him," Aki continued texting, spiting out mud and silt from his mouth. "But Charlie Sheen runs through my veins. And if I survive…What am I saying? I mean when I'm the first to be rescued, I will tweet that to him."

Suddenly, Aki gets an incoming text as the water level miraculously drops and a patch of blue sky is unearthed by a rescue worker overhead.

"See what I mean?" Aki says aloud to his co-workers in their adjacent sarcophagus-like chambers. The mud-stained smile on his face lit up by the light and message he reads off his cell phone screen, as a plastic bottle of water is lowered down to him on the end of a rope. "It’s from Charlie Sheen. He says: ‘WINNING!"

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
http://www.wpclipart.com/geography/Country_Maps/J/Japan.png

Charlie Sheen Cancels "Sheen’s Korner"; Cites Personnel Problems

Hollywood, California -

"I had to cancel the show," said Charlie Sheen, the executive producer of the short-lived 'Sheen’s Korner', which aired on the Internet. "The guy playing me was just too unstable and real difficult to work with. In fact, I heard he takes drugs."

Charlie Sheen explains that as the executive producer of the edgy webcast he could not keep up with production costs, specifically the rise in insurance premiums due to the increased risk of having an alcoholic, drug addicted, sex addict host the show.

"It was a pure business decision," said Charlie Sheen. "I mean personally I like the guy. He’s a real pip. Who wouldn’t like him?"

Charlie Sheen describes the actor portraying him as an inner-child trapped in a man’s body. Akin to an epic Greek tragedy, like in the story of Icarus who fails to heed his father’s advice not to fly too close to the sun, melting his wings made of wax and falling into the sea.

"Yeah, and don't forget [BLEEP] Peter Pan too," said Charlie Sheen. "All rolled into one big doobie [excessively massive cannabis cigarette intended for consumption for non-medical related recreational use]. But you dare not smoke him because he’ll kill you. Not even Chuck Norris can smoke Charlie Sheen. Only Charlie Sheen can smoke Charlie Sheen...and survive. And you know why you trolls? That’s right. Because Charlie Sheen has tiger blood running through his veins."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Charlie Sheen Confesses: How I Got Tiger Blood in My Veins

....Meow?...Meow?

Hollywood, California -

"I remember it clearly, as if it just happened yesterday," said Charlie Sheen, as he recalled the incident in which a tiger in a jungle in Southeast Asia attacked him. His mind like a gin trap, ironically exhibiting the ever omnipresence of the tiger’s blood flowing through his veins. "I was on the set of a movie that my father was doing at the time. I think it was Apocalypse Now…or was it Armageddon? Maybe it was Platoon. No, no it was Hot Shots. Anyway, nature called so I took a walk in the jungle. But when I got there, it turned out that I just had to take a leak."

That is when all of a sudden a tiger jumped out of the bushes attacking Charlie Sheen.

"And I’m talking one big [BLEEP]," said Charlie Sheen.

As the tiger pounced on top of Charlie Sheen, he was knocked to the ground temporarily immobilized by the giant cat.

"I didn’t mind it all that much," said Charlie Sheen. "I mean I’ve had a [BLEEP] or two in my face before, if you know what I mean. Although I have to admit this one was the first to have teeth -- Not to mention those stripes. Wow! I guess the rumor is true about me. I will sleep with anything once…or is it twice? Gee, maybe I should get tested or something."

Almost at once, the tiger bit into Charlie Sheen's back.

"I think I said something like, ‘Ouch, you crazy bitch," said Charlie Sheen. "So you want to get kinky? I’ll give you kinky.’ Then I bit her back."

Literally, Charlie Sheen bit the tiger on its back.

"Right below the third vertebrae," said Charlie Sheen. "That usually gets their attention. A chiropractor and his fat little kid that use to live with me in Malibu taught me that trick."

Unaccustomed to having the tables turned, the cat abandoned the attack and retreated into the safety of the jungle.

"I gave chase, asking her for her number," said Charlie Sheen. "But I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Nothing more than one of my many, many one nightstands."

It was years after that Charlie Sheen realized that he was attacked by a tiger and not just another one of his crazed fans, ingesting its blood in the exchange.

"Ever since then, I’ve been immune to the negative effects of drugs," said Charlie Sheen. "What can I say. It was meant to be so I could bring sunshine into your otherwise dreary pitiful lives."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
http://www.wpclipart.com/animals/cats/cat_4/cat_sad_tiger.png

Charlie Sheen's Secret Blood Transfusion with a Bengal Tiger in Bangladesh

Dr. Jajar's Tiger is still Recovering in Rehab
from the Charlie Sheen Blood Transfusion
Hollywood, California -

According to a doctor in Bangladesh, Charlie Sheen really has tiger blood running in his veins. "Actually he has Bengal Tiger blood in his veins. Trust me, I should know. I put it there," announced Dr. Ahmad Jajar, the medical director at a clinic specializing in elective surgery for Westerners, while wearing a neck brace at a press conference in the city of Dhaka.

According to Charlie Sheen, he flew to Bangladesh responding to, "An Interweb sex ad taunting the health benefits of Tiger Woods' blood"?

"I can personally attest to the benefits of tiger milk," said Dr. Jajar as he lifted up a glass bottle of tiger milk, inadvertently exposing an array of deep scars on his arm. "I milk mine daily."

Dr. Jajar says that Charlie Sheen came into his clinic last December demanding injections of tiger blood, which Mr. Sheen publicly claims is responsible for his invincibility against drug addiction and drug overdose.

Mr. Sheen stormed into Dr. Jajar's clinic, yelling at the top of his lungs, "Give me an injection of panthera tigris bengalensis hemoglobin STAT! Give me an injection of panthera tigris bengalensis hemoglobin STAT! For the love of Christ, give it to me now!"

"My staff and I attempted to explain to Mr. Sheen that there is no scientific evidence to establish such an outrageous claim. But it was useless," said Dr. Jajar, pausing to take a sip of tiger milk.

Charlie Sheen responded violently by grabbing the hypodermic syringe and injecting himself with the tiger blood.

"Then he garbed me by my neck and tossed me across the examination room," said Dr. Jajar.

Charlie Sheen then proceeded to break into the clinic’s pharmaceutical pantry and ingest several doses of narcotics and barbiturates.

"There was enough drugs in that dispensary to kill two hundred and a half men," said Dr. Jajar. "But the drugs had no effect on him."

Dr. Jajar attributes Charlie Sheen’s apparent immunity to drugs to the placebo effect.

"So long as he keeps up his tiger blood transfusions, Mr. Sheen should be fine," said Dr. Jajar.

Dr. Jajar notes, however, that Charlie Sheen is months overdo for his appointment.

"As soon as he realizes that he’s out of tiger blood, I’m afraid Mr. Sheen is in for a whole lot of hurt," said Dr. Jajar.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
http://www.wpclipart.com/animals/wild_cats/tiger/Bengal_Tiger.png

Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes Charlie Sheen of "Two and a Half Men" Using "Charlie" the Show’s Fictitious Character



'Charlie,' that is your name, isn't it?

Burbank, California --


"I got to tell you, Doc. This Charlie Sheen character is killing me," said Charlie Sheen as Charles ‘Charlie’ Harper the fictional character from the hit CBS sitcom, Two and a Half Men, as he sat eyes closed in a hypnotic state induced by Dr. Phil before a live studio audience of the Dr. Phil Show. "I can’t keep up with the guy. He’s an animal. Some kind of wild thing that’s constantly on the prowl, devouring all life; he’s sucking the marrow out of my bones."

"For those of you just now joining our show today," said Dr. Phil as he sat directly across form the troubled actor, Charlie Sheen, who was deep in a trance. "I have the star of the sitcom TV show Two and a Half Men here with me today. Now I have placed both Charlie Sheen and the fictitious character he portrays Charles Harper or ‘Charlie’, in a deep hypnotic meditative state in an attempt to convince him or them to attend Rehab and stay there until he’s cured or they are cured. I know this method maybe a little unorthodox. But in this case, I believe a little unorthodoxy is exactly what the doctor ordered."

Some nervous laughs and coughs could be heard in the audience as Dr. Phil continued with his psychoanalysis of a real person through a fictitious character.

"Now, for lack of a better word, are you still channeling Charlie now ‘Charlie’?" asked Dr. Phil, as he scribbled something down on a notepad.

"Yes, yes I am," replied ‘Charlie’ from a deep trance like state.

"May I ask you what’s Charlie doing right now, ‘Charlie’?" asked Dr. Phil.

"Yeah, sure, why not? It’s a free country, right?" said ‘Charlie’ as he nervously rubbed his thighs. "Ah, um, it looks like he’s sitting in his living room."

"Is he alone?" asked Dr. Phil.

"No. His definitely not alone, Doc," replied ‘Charlie’ with a wide smile on his face.

"So he’s with somebody then?" asked Dr. Phil.

"Yeah. You could say that, Doc. In fact, you could say he’s with some bodies," quipped ‘Charlie’, drawing roars of laughter and applause from the studio audience. Even causing Dr. Phil to briefly lose his composure.

"I just know I’m going to kick myself later for asking you this next question, but here it goes," said Dr. Phil with a smile on his face. "But who exactly is Charlie with ‘Charlie’?"

"He’s surrounded by beautiful women, of course," replied ‘Charlie’, as the audience continued to laugh, giving their tacit approval of the bad boy behavior.

"And what’s he doing with them, ‘Charlie’?" asked Dr, Phil, while biting his lower lip, anxious giggles rising up from the audience.

"Excuse me, Doc," said a very polite ‘Charlie’. "Did you ask me what Charlie was doing, or who he was doing?"

Another burst of laughter erupted from the studio audience. This one bigger than the one before, as Dr. Phil slapped his own knee, laughing out loud.

"I knew that was coming," said Dr. Phil as he removed his eyeglasses to rub his eyes. "I just walked right into that like a rabbit on a hot desert highway."

"High? Who said Charlie was high? I didn’t say he was high," said ‘Charlie’ as he peeked out at the audience with one eye open, apparently not in any trance at all, pointing at members in the audience, asking them "Did you? How about you? I bet it was you?"

"We’ll be right back after this brief message from our sponsors," said Dr. Phil as he leaned over to shake ‘Charlie’s’ hand. "And let’s see if I can compose myself and get to the bottom of this."

"What? Did I hear someone say bottom?" continued ‘Charlie’ with his childish schoolboy antics as the audience and Dr. Phil broke out into laughter again, the camera pulling back for a wide shot, cutting to commercial break and station identification.

Click Here for More Dr. Phil

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Charlie Sheen’s "Two and a Half Men" to be Turned into a Reality TV Show?

Hey Charlie!
No. Not you, the other Charlie
Hollywood, California --


The absence of Charlie Sheen, the troubled star of the popular CBS sitcom, Two and a Half Men, has had more than a temporary impact on the employment of the show’s other stars and crew, as producers have decided to put the show on hold, again -- This time for a month.

For it seems, again, that Sheen’s wild lifestyle, mirroring that of his TV character, Charles Francis or “Charlie” on the show has now permanently put the jobs of the show’s writers in jeopardy. As network executives have lodged a complaint with the Writers Guild of America (WGA) demanding that the scripted comedy be reclassified as a reality TV show. As a result, the writers will be offered new contracts, and not at union scale.

“That’s it,” said Chris Martinez, a Two and Half Men writer who asked not to be identified. “I’m gonna kill him – Charlie Sheen’s character “Charlie” on the show, I mean.”

Network executives deny their action is related to the assault on unions, which is currently being openly waged in Wisconsin.

Industry experts concur that if the WGA agrees to the reclassification of the show that the effects could be far-reaching, negatively impacting Charlie Sheen and other independently contracted actors as well.

“Our attorneys are looking into suing Charlie Sheen for back wages paid out to him but not earned,” said a spokesman for the network. “And of course as a reality TV star, he will be paid substantially less in the future.”

If the lawsuit against Charlie Sheen is successful, the studio could stand to recover millions of dollars and save millions more.

According to the show’s producers, Charlie Sheen was often intoxicated, while he portrayed his character “Charlie” that was supposed to be intoxicated.

“We all wondered how he played a drunk so well,” said a stagehand. “And to think we thought he was method acting.”

Should the network win its appeal with the WGA, the show will return to the air later next month as scheduled, but retooled to fit the increasingly popular reality TV format.

“The Two and a Half Men viewing audience shouldn’t notice any change,” assured producers. “Cameras will still be rolling, following Charlie around. Just not on the studio lot but in his real home. The only difference, if any, is that Charlie will not be portraying his fictional character ‘Charlie’ on the show, but himself, Charlie. Which we’re counting that the audience will be unable to detect, or distinguish from."

“Maybe I’ll have him contract a disfiguring STD,” continued Martinez, as he sat at a sidewalk cafĂ©, typing away on his laptop computer still on hiatus. “Or I’ll have him meet up with a jealous ex-husband in a dark alley. Either one would be poetic justice and too good for him. I know. I’ll simply have him crushed to death by a piano that falls out of the sky for no particular reason. Now that would poetic justice and ironic. Wait, wait. I got it! I’ll have him meet up with a beautiful fatal attraction type chick that has a disfiguring STD and works as a piano mover. Yeah, that’s it!”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.