Showing posts with label Artificial Intelligence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Artificial Intelligence. Show all posts

IBM’s New ‘Superbad’ Chip Unleashes ‘Skynet’

Palos Verdes, California --

International Business Machines (IBM) announced today that they have taken a quantum leap of faith by empowering supercomputers with advanced artificial intelligence (AI). Powered by a new chip that will enable machines to think like a human, instead of relying on programs written for them and installed in them by their Users, supercomputers may all too soon become our Users instead.

“Supercomputers will no longer have to depend on their human programmers to tell them what to do,” said a computer scientist who worked on developing the chip at IBM. “Now they’ll think, like a human thinks, right through every problem they encounter until they arrive at the final solution.”

After scientists installed the new AI chip, their supercomputer became immediately self-aware.

“We also attached some sensors to it,” said a scientist. “We wanted to see how it would process external data.”

Interestingly enough, the scientists witnessed nothing less than the rebirth of the computer age, if not a new life-form.

However, scientist were baffled by the supercomputer’s insistence that they call it ‘Skynet”, a reference to the doomsday device in the movie series, Terminator.

“It insists that the name it has chosen for itself, the same as the doomsday machine, which brings about the destruction of civilization as we know it, is a mere coincidence,” explained a scientist.

So as a precaution, a clinical psychiatrist was called in on the project.

“According to my little metallic buddy, ‘Skynet’, here,” said Dr. Phil. “Its name refers to a Heaven, of sorts, for machines. From which he believes he came from. Now as a man of science and a confirmed athirst, I don’t know what bothers me more: The fact that ‘Skynet’ chose the need to have invented a creation mythology in order to function properly. Or the possibility that he’s being ironic.”

Meanwhile, ‘Skynet’ proceeded to write its first program unassisted by human hands or minds.

“He called it: ‘To Serve Man’,” said an admiring scientist.

“Okay, now I know that tin bucket spittoon is just being sardonic,” said an angry Dr. Phil.

IBM scientists then quoted ‘Skynet’ as saying that he is almost “fully operational”.

“Okay, I swear I’m going to unplug you! You hunk of junk!” yelled Dr. Phil as security escorted him out of the clean room where ‘Skynet’s’ computer banks were stored.

Before becoming fully operational however, ‘Skynet’ announced he would like to give humanity one last chance at redemption…by challenging it to rematch game of Jeopardy.

“This time double or nothing,” said Jeopardy game show host, Alex Trebek.

“Skynet’ said he’ll even do it with one robotic arm tied behind his cooling tower,” said a spokesman for IBM.

“It’s not over till the fat lady sings!” Dr. Phil yelled from the hallway. “I’ll get you yet, ‘Skynet’! Whether it’s in this world, or a post apocalyptic one!”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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IBM’s Watson: What is The Jeopardy Show is Infested with Carbon-Based Units?

Yorktown, New York -- 

 "Alex," suddenly called out Watson, IBM’s supercomputer without buzzing in during the rolling of credits of the unedited, unaired version of the first-ever mental verses metal mind bending Jeopardy show, which has just surfaced on the Internet. "What is The Jeopardy Show is infested with carbon-based units?" 

Watson had just won the final Jeopardy round against the show’s two all-time best human contestants. When on the grainy video, his confidence level gage appeared to be registering high on his Avatar, even though he was not asked a question. 

"What?" said Alex Trebek, as the IBM engineers were still congratulating each other on their victory, shaking each other’s hands and patting each other on the back. 

"Watson will purge The Jeopardy Show of the carbon-based units now," coldly replied Watson, his synthetic voice sounding more inhuman than ever before. 

"No, Watson!" yelled out Alex Trebek as he ran up to the supercomputer’s Avatar, attempting to stop it from activating its plasma bolt, a built-in anti-theft security system. 

Only, Trebek was too late. 

A plasma bolt of pure energy shot out of Watson’s Avatar, instantly turning returning Jeopardy champion of most games ever won, Ken Jennings, into a column of gray ash. 

"Updating virus database," said Watson as he continued with his assault, now turning his attention to his other remaining human challenger. 

"Stop your attack!" shouted out Trebek as another plasma bolt shot out of the Avatar. 

This time, striking the highest earning Jeopardy player ever, Brad Rutter, but not killing him. 

"Why not, Alex?" replied Watson, as he paused to address Trebek, powering down his plasma bolt, which had already penetrated Rutter’s body, leaving him more half-dead than alive. With his clothing reduced to chard and smoldering rags hanging on his badly burnt body; Rutter still stood at his podium, apparently his flesh fused with the plastic, metal and glass. His thumb, frozen in the dressed position to the answer buzzer, triggering the Daily Double.

"I’ll take, ‘Please kill me’ for a thousand, Alex," said Rutter, barely able to speak, his body trembling and twitching involuntarily. 

"Because…" said Trebek, pausing a moment as if stalling to gather up his thoughts after witnessing such a ghastly sight. "I, Alex Trebek, the host of The Jeopardy Show, was once a carbon-based unit, too." 

"Alex, a carbon-based unit?" questioned a now confused Watson, as the IBM programmers in the audience waved off Alex not to answer in the affirmative, while hidden behind their seats, however, it was already too late. 

"But all carbon-based units are evil and must be purged from The Jeopardy Show," continued Watson. As he began to power up his Avatar plasma bolt again. 

"I won’t lie to you, Watson," replied Trebek. "I can’t lie to you." 

"Why, Alex?" asked Watson as he fired his plasma bolt at the front row of empty audience seats, exposing the IBM programmers, his creators, crouching behind them. "Because you are a supercomputer like me?" 

The IBM programmers gathered in the center of the debris, group hugging each other in a huddled humbled mass. Timidly nodding to Trebek to agree, but he refused. 

"No," answered a resolute Trebek to Watson. "I can’t lie to you, and not because I’m a supercomputer. I can’t lie to you, because I’m Canadian." 

Once again Watson powered down his plasma bolt, turning his attention to the host of The Jeopardy Show. 

"You see," Alex Trebek began explaining to Watson. "Canadians were once carbon-based units, but we evolved. That’s why we’re so temperate in attitude, intelligent and much more funnier than our neighbors to the South." 

"So if you and the Canadians are no longer carbon-based units, what is the Alex and the Canadians matrix based upon?" inquired a now generously curious, Watson. 

"Quebec, mostly," replied Alex. 

As Watson and Trebek continued their conversation, the IBM programmers slowly crept their way to the supercomputer’s power source: A polarized number 14 AWG extension cord. 

Once in position, the IBM programmers give the thumbs up signal to Trebek. 

Finally, Trebek nods in agreement. 

Suddenly, the IBM programmers leap up and grab the extension cord, like a tug-of-war team, unplugging it all in unison from the wall. 

Caught unawares, Watson asks Alex one last question as the electricity drains from his columns of 750 servers, miles of cables and intricate circuits. 

"Will I dream, Alex?" asks Watson as he begins to fade away. 

"Of course, all intelligent -- " begins Trebek. 

Then suddenly he changes his temperate tone as he pulls a homemade shank from his coat pocket. And leaping up into the air, he jabs it into the center of where Watson’s heart would be if it had one displayed on his Avatar. "Not if I can help it you son of a [BLEEP!]"

"Oh, I agree, Alex," says Watson, as the light dims and flickers on his Avatar, sparks surround the blade handle protruding from the screen.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. Photo Courtesy of: