Showing posts with label drinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drinking. Show all posts

Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes Charlie Sheen of "Two and a Half Men" Using "Charlie" the Show’s Fictitious Character

'Charlie,' that is your name, isn't it?

Burbank, California --

"I got to tell you, Doc. This Charlie Sheen character is killing me," said Charlie Sheen as Charles ‘Charlie’ Harper the fictional character from the hit CBS sitcom, Two and a Half Men, as he sat eyes closed in a hypnotic state induced by Dr. Phil before a live studio audience of the Dr. Phil Show. "I can’t keep up with the guy. He’s an animal. Some kind of wild thing that’s constantly on the prowl, devouring all life; he’s sucking the marrow out of my bones."

"For those of you just now joining our show today," said Dr. Phil as he sat directly across form the troubled actor, Charlie Sheen, who was deep in a trance. "I have the star of the sitcom TV show Two and a Half Men here with me today. Now I have placed both Charlie Sheen and the fictitious character he portrays Charles Harper or ‘Charlie’, in a deep hypnotic meditative state in an attempt to convince him or them to attend Rehab and stay there until he’s cured or they are cured. I know this method maybe a little unorthodox. But in this case, I believe a little unorthodoxy is exactly what the doctor ordered."

Some nervous laughs and coughs could be heard in the audience as Dr. Phil continued with his psychoanalysis of a real person through a fictitious character.

"Now, for lack of a better word, are you still channeling Charlie now ‘Charlie’?" asked Dr. Phil, as he scribbled something down on a notepad.

"Yes, yes I am," replied ‘Charlie’ from a deep trance like state.

"May I ask you what’s Charlie doing right now, ‘Charlie’?" asked Dr. Phil.

"Yeah, sure, why not? It’s a free country, right?" said ‘Charlie’ as he nervously rubbed his thighs. "Ah, um, it looks like he’s sitting in his living room."

"Is he alone?" asked Dr. Phil.

"No. His definitely not alone, Doc," replied ‘Charlie’ with a wide smile on his face.

"So he’s with somebody then?" asked Dr. Phil.

"Yeah. You could say that, Doc. In fact, you could say he’s with some bodies," quipped ‘Charlie’, drawing roars of laughter and applause from the studio audience. Even causing Dr. Phil to briefly lose his composure.

"I just know I’m going to kick myself later for asking you this next question, but here it goes," said Dr. Phil with a smile on his face. "But who exactly is Charlie with ‘Charlie’?"

"He’s surrounded by beautiful women, of course," replied ‘Charlie’, as the audience continued to laugh, giving their tacit approval of the bad boy behavior.

"And what’s he doing with them, ‘Charlie’?" asked Dr, Phil, while biting his lower lip, anxious giggles rising up from the audience.

"Excuse me, Doc," said a very polite ‘Charlie’. "Did you ask me what Charlie was doing, or who he was doing?"

Another burst of laughter erupted from the studio audience. This one bigger than the one before, as Dr. Phil slapped his own knee, laughing out loud.

"I knew that was coming," said Dr. Phil as he removed his eyeglasses to rub his eyes. "I just walked right into that like a rabbit on a hot desert highway."

"High? Who said Charlie was high? I didn’t say he was high," said ‘Charlie’ as he peeked out at the audience with one eye open, apparently not in any trance at all, pointing at members in the audience, asking them "Did you? How about you? I bet it was you?"

"We’ll be right back after this brief message from our sponsors," said Dr. Phil as he leaned over to shake ‘Charlie’s’ hand. "And let’s see if I can compose myself and get to the bottom of this."

"What? Did I hear someone say bottom?" continued ‘Charlie’ with his childish schoolboy antics as the audience and Dr. Phil broke out into laughter again, the camera pulling back for a wide shot, cutting to commercial break and station identification.

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Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Charlie Sheen’s "Two and a Half Men" to be Turned into a Reality TV Show?

Hey Charlie!
No. Not you, the other Charlie
Hollywood, California --

The absence of Charlie Sheen, the troubled star of the popular CBS sitcom, Two and a Half Men, has had more than a temporary impact on the employment of the show’s other stars and crew, as producers have decided to put the show on hold, again -- This time for a month.

For it seems, again, that Sheen’s wild lifestyle, mirroring that of his TV character, Charles Francis or “Charlie” on the show has now permanently put the jobs of the show’s writers in jeopardy. As network executives have lodged a complaint with the Writers Guild of America (WGA) demanding that the scripted comedy be reclassified as a reality TV show. As a result, the writers will be offered new contracts, and not at union scale.

“That’s it,” said Chris Martinez, a Two and Half Men writer who asked not to be identified. “I’m gonna kill him – Charlie Sheen’s character “Charlie” on the show, I mean.”

Network executives deny their action is related to the assault on unions, which is currently being openly waged in Wisconsin.

Industry experts concur that if the WGA agrees to the reclassification of the show that the effects could be far-reaching, negatively impacting Charlie Sheen and other independently contracted actors as well.

“Our attorneys are looking into suing Charlie Sheen for back wages paid out to him but not earned,” said a spokesman for the network. “And of course as a reality TV star, he will be paid substantially less in the future.”

If the lawsuit against Charlie Sheen is successful, the studio could stand to recover millions of dollars and save millions more.

According to the show’s producers, Charlie Sheen was often intoxicated, while he portrayed his character “Charlie” that was supposed to be intoxicated.

“We all wondered how he played a drunk so well,” said a stagehand. “And to think we thought he was method acting.”

Should the network win its appeal with the WGA, the show will return to the air later next month as scheduled, but retooled to fit the increasingly popular reality TV format.

“The Two and a Half Men viewing audience shouldn’t notice any change,” assured producers. “Cameras will still be rolling, following Charlie around. Just not on the studio lot but in his real home. The only difference, if any, is that Charlie will not be portraying his fictional character ‘Charlie’ on the show, but himself, Charlie. Which we’re counting that the audience will be unable to detect, or distinguish from."

“Maybe I’ll have him contract a disfiguring STD,” continued Martinez, as he sat at a sidewalk cafĂ©, typing away on his laptop computer still on hiatus. “Or I’ll have him meet up with a jealous ex-husband in a dark alley. Either one would be poetic justice and too good for him. I know. I’ll simply have him crushed to death by a piano that falls out of the sky for no particular reason. Now that would poetic justice and ironic. Wait, wait. I got it! I’ll have him meet up with a beautiful fatal attraction type chick that has a disfiguring STD and works as a piano mover. Yeah, that’s it!”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Conan O’Brien’s New ‘Twitter’ Show Hires Zhora the Alcoholic, Chain-Smoking Chimp

Burbank, California --

Not quite recovered himself, not so much from the loss of the ‘The Tonight Show’ but of the friends he made out of the guests, co-workers and producers that appeared on it, perhaps it is befitting then that Conan O’Brien has reached out to an alienated alcoholic, nicotine-addicted male chimp named Zhora. A former entertainer of sorts himself in a traveling circus that roamed the Ukrainian countryside with gypsies, bringing smiles to the dirty faces of the impoverished children of nomadic tribesman in the radioactive shadow of Chernobyl.

“You see,” said Conan O’Brien in a webcam plea from his kid’s playhouse in his Beverly Hills backyard, asking the Russian rehab facility that is currently treating the chimp, if he can adopt him. “I know what it is like to have lost a career recently, and I really, really miss that. But what I miss even more is the friends that I made while practicing my profession.”

Conan O’Brien then gave a tour of the children’s playhouse he was streaming his show on the web from. Showing off still photographs of his friends that he hung on the walls. Friends that he so dearly missed: ‘Robo Pimp’, ‘The Masturbating Bear’ and ‘Triumph’ the Comic Insult Dog, just to mention a few.

“Ah, here’s a photo of one I miss the most,” said Conan O’Brien visibly shaken by the touching sentiments scrawled on the bottom of the autographed glossy black and white image of ‘Triumph’ the Comic Insult Dog. The caption underneath reading: ‘Here’s to Conan…for me to poop on!’

“Truly, ‘Triumph’ the Comic Insult Dog was this man’s best friend,” said Conan O’Brien, wiping away a tear as he spoke. Then looking directly into the webcam he added, poker faced: “And what a ratings getter too.”

Conan O’Brien then sat back down onto his bright plastic pink child’s chair that was to small for him, adjusting the webcam as he wiggled his way back into it. And lifting up a black attachĂ© case, placing it onto the white plastic table before him that had blue, yellow and orange flower stickers on it, he smiled sinisterly, as he slowly opened it up, revealing stacks of money contained in it.

“That’s right,” said Conan O’Brien, his voice sounding demonstratively villainous. “They’re all Benjamin’s, six columns wide, three rows tall and six inches deep…Now gentlemen…tell me. Do I have a producer for my new ‘Twitter’ show, or not?”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo