Showing posts with label Sandra Bullock. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sandra Bullock. Show all posts

Keanu Reeves’ Advice to Sandra Bullock Puts Her Under 24-hour Career Suicide Watch

Hollywood, California --

Calling an impromptu press conference to announce her latest agreed upon movie deal – the third installment of the original ‘Speed’ movie series, which she first starred in back in 1994 and 1997 -- a somewhat dazed looking, visibly shaken and obviously emotionally distraught, Sandra Bullock slowly crossed the stage still dressed in her polka-a-dot pajamas, fuzzy bear claw footy slippers and miffed up hairdo with some help from two female assistants at both her sides. As she sat down at a green felt topped table with a single microphone placed in the center of it, amateur journalists, seasoned reporters and war hardened correspondents alike looked on teary eyed at what had become of America’s Sweetheart.

Sandra Bullock’s family, closest friends and even ‘Speed’ co-star Keanu Reeves earlier in the predawn hours of the new day had attempted an intervention, trying to convince her to voluntarily commit herself to a psychiatric ward at a local hospital, but she refused.

“Instead Sandra stormed out of the house in the middle of the night, calling her publicist demanding that she immediately set up a press conference,” said a close family friend. “We didn’t know she was that upset. Not to the point of committing career suicide by agreeing to do another ‘Speed ’ movie.”

“I thank you all for coming so early today. Especially on such short notice,” said Sandra Bullock speaking just above a whisper, her eyes appearing puffy and red, as if she had been crying all night along. “I won’t be taking any questions regarding the disintegration of my marriage…or the betrayal of my trust in humanity. Just about my decision to reprise my recurring role in the ‘Speed’ movie series with my good, loyal and true friend, Keanu Reeves.”

Just then an assistant reappeared on stage, leaning down to whisper something into Sandra Bullock’s ear.

“What?” said a somewhat bothered Sandra Bullock, before she slumped her head into her hands. “Oh God. Why me? Why me?”

“When we tried to have her involuntarily committed,” continued Bullock’s close friend. “But we were told by both legal and medical professionals that she had to pose a physical danger to either herself or others, first.”

Seeing Sandra Bullock’s condition worsen before her eyes, the female assistant grabbed the microphone, attempting to cancel the rest of the press conference. Following a brief struggle between the two, however, Sandra Bullock prevailed, regaining control of the microphone, and her press conference.

“No! I said I’ll be fine!” screamed Sandra Bullock at her assistant. “Are you deaf or something?”

After taking a few minutes to compose herself, wiping away tears, blowing her nose and repeatedly placing her head down on the green felt table, just to raise it up again and again, Sandra Bullock continued.

“Well, it seems my trusted friend Keanu Reeves – a man -- has betrayed me, too,” said an embittered Sandra Bullock. “Now he says he has a prior commitment and can’t do the movie with me after all. Isn’t that just so typical of a man, changing his mind like he changes his socks, underwear or lovers. Well, I’m going to prove to y‘all -- especially you men out there -- that I don’t need you anymore. I’ll make ‘Speed 3: Road Rage’ all by myself, so there. I’ll show you.”

Upon hearing of Sandra Bullock’s intention to make another ‘Speed’ movie, however, a judge immediately approved the family’s petition to have the disturbed starlet remanded into the custody of a psychiatric hospital for observation and evaluation.

“Allowing the alleged mental patient to make another installment of the ‘Speed’ movie series is all the evidence this Court needs to prove both mental and emotional instability,” wrote the judge in his decision. “And therefore, I rule the alleged mental patient presents a clear and present danger not only to herself, but especially others as well.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes Sandra Bullock’s Marriage to Jesse James

Burbank, California --

"Okay, let me get this straight for the sake of my viewing audience that just tuned into my show," said Dr. Phil after taking a commercial break with his special celebrity guest, Sandra Bullock for some latent marital advice and using the time as an opportunity to ask a production assistant to fetch his reading glasses from his dressing room. "You consciously and willingly gave your heart to a man who was twice married and devoiced. And who had kids from both those two previous marriages, is that right now?"

Sandra Bullock sat quietly in her chair next to the host with her head down and her light brown hair covering her face from the prying eye of the camera and studio audience; however, not from the psychoanalytical mind's eye of a mental healthcare professional, as she nodded affirmatively to all of Dr. Phil's Spanish Inquisition style questioning.

"By the way, I'm sorry about having to take a commercial break all of a sudden like that, but I forgot my reading glasses in my dressing room," said Dr. Phil as he pulled out a pair of eyeglasses from his coat pocket and put them on his nose. "And though I usually don't need them -- to read a wrap sheet this long -- I do. Now where was I? Ah, consciously and willingly gave your heart to a man who...wait this has got to be a typo."

Dr. Phil paused. And looking over to one of his producers, he pointed to the sheet of paper he was reading off of.

"Nope, it's no a typo my producer tells me," said Dr. Phil struggling again to find the place where he left off reading. "Ah, here it married a man that is named...Jesse James? Like in 'Jesse James' the outlaw, is that right now?"

Sandra Bullock again just sat quietly in her chair next to the host with her head down, nodding yes to all his questions.

"We'll be right back after a brief commercial break," said a confused looking Dr. Phil as he reached over to Sandra Bullock whispering into her ear.

"Now, you got to help me out here, honey," said a sympatric Dr. Phil. "You thought your husband's name was a pseudonym, right?'

"No," replied a still coy but now distant looking Sandra Bullock. "I knew it was his real name all along."

As the show returned from commercial break, Dr. Phil pulled back from Sandra Bullock with a strange look on his face; he continued his line of questioning.

"You consciously and willingly gave your heart to a man..." paused Dr. Phil as he stood up and walked over to the producer and said to him: "Y'all are pulling my leg here, right? That innocent looking thing sitting over there is America's Sweetheart; she couldn't possibly have anything to do with a man like that. Not consciously. Not willingly. Not no how!"

After a heated discussion, a red-faced Dr. Phil returned to the stage and sat back down next to Sandra Bullock, picking up right where he left off.

"You consciously and willingly gave your heart to a man -- on top of all this, mind you -- whose previous wife before you was a porn star, is that right now?" said Dr. Phil as he began writing down some notes. "A porn star, huh."

"And not just any porn star," surprisingly spoke up Sandra Bullock without being asked a question, using a low demonic raspy tone of voice. "But the totally hot looking, Janine Lindemulder. You know the one, Doc."

"You mean the one covered in tattoos?" asked Dr. Phil not taking any notice in Sandra Bullock's change of voice, at least not at first. "So I've been told by my mental patients."

"Is that right now?' Sandra Bullock said sarcastically.

"Huh, from porn star to movie star," said Dr. Phil to himself beneath his breath as he scribble away on his notepad underscoring, 'Patient now exhibiting clear signs of demonic possession."

"What did you sssay Doc?" asked Sandra Bullock as her head began to turn around 180 degrees.

"Oh nothing," nervously replied Dr. Phil, removing his prescription eyeglasses from his face so he could rub the upper part of the intersection of his nose where his eyebrows meet, as he visibly struggled to continue with his diagnoses of the troubled marriage of America's Sweetheart. "We'll be back right after these brief messages from our sponsors."

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Copyright (c) 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo