By Robert W. Armijo
Previous researchers have proven a bias exists
among employers when it comes to hiring, keeping and compensating employees
that are taller, attractive and more hygienic than most average
height obtaining, plain looking and odor challenged employees.
The presumption, based on a substantial body of
previous scientific studies, was that it is simply because they are…well,
taller, attractive and more hygienic than the rest of us.
Until now, that is.
“When I see a tall, good looking and well groomed
guy walk into my office asking me for a job, the first thing that pops into my
head is ‘Oh boy, how much is this going to cost me,” said Vinny Patron, a
research participant and CEO of Patron’s Fine Italian Suits for Men (headquartered
in New Jersey). “But you know what? It’s always worth it in the end. Whatever
it costs me. It’s always worth it.”
By contrast Mr. Vinny Patron says that when an
overweight, unattractive and unshaven man walks into his office,
asking him for a job, he has the opposite reaction.
“First thing that pops into my head?” Mr. Vinny
Patron, asked rhetorically. “‘What? Are you kidding me, pal? You’re gonna’ have
to pay me, if you want to work here.”
A careful analysis of the data indicates that
employer bias is not solely based on the human sexual response to tall,
attractive and more hygienic people, as previous studies concluded, but rather
on economic considerations as well.
“You know what the second thing that pops into my
head,” continued Mr. Vinny Patron. “When I see a job candidate that is tall,
attractive and more hygienic, I says to myself, I says, ‘Is this guy for real,
or what? Nobody looks that good. Nobody smells that good. I mean not naturally,
anyways. He must be spending a fortune on the gym membership, private trainers,
augmentation surgeries, veneers and potpourri.’
Now that [BLEEP] is [BLEEP] expensive. I’m talking the imported stuff. Not this
domestic crap they try to pass off to me as potpourri, either. But the good stuff.
The best.”
Again, by contrast, Mr. Vinny Patron says he has
the opposite reaction when he interviews an overweight, unattractive and
unshaven man.
“I says to myself, I says,” said Mr. Vinny Patron.
“‘Check this out. Look at how much this guy wants? Yeah right. Are you kidding
me? So what? So ah. So you can spend it all on fast-food, pal? Because you’re
sure not spending on razors, toothpaste or underarm deodorant. That’s for sure.”
The economic component at the conclusion of the
study was a surprise to the researchers, at first. However, they claim it all makes sense now,
somehow.
“I always thought my sister, who was voted the
homecoming queen, while I had to earn my valedictorian academia status got all
the breaks in life simply because of her predisposed genetic propensity to physical
aesthetic appeal,” shared Sheryl Seymour, head researcher of the study. “But as
it turns out, mom was right all along. All I needed to do was wear a pair of high
heel shoes, put on some makeup or simply have shaved my armpits -- Possibly
even just plucked my eyebrows. And I could’ve had my sister’s life. I could’ve
gotten married. Had a husband. And had some kids by now. Oh my God. I could’ve
had kids! Instead, all got this dumb white lab coat, these freakishly looking black
framed eyeglasses and those stupid lab rats. I hate lab rats! Why are they
always dying on me?!”
Copyright © 2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights
reserved.
