Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes Sandra Bullock’s Marriage to Jesse James

Burbank, California --

"Okay, let me get this straight for the sake of my viewing audience that just tuned into my show," said Dr. Phil after taking a commercial break with his special celebrity guest, Sandra Bullock for some latent marital advice and using the time as an opportunity to ask a production assistant to fetch his reading glasses from his dressing room. "You consciously and willingly gave your heart to a man who was twice married and devoiced. And who had kids from both those two previous marriages, is that right now?"

Sandra Bullock sat quietly in her chair next to the host with her head down and her light brown hair covering her face from the prying eye of the camera and studio audience; however, not from the psychoanalytical mind's eye of a mental healthcare professional, as she nodded affirmatively to all of Dr. Phil's Spanish Inquisition style questioning.

"By the way, I'm sorry about having to take a commercial break all of a sudden like that, but I forgot my reading glasses in my dressing room," said Dr. Phil as he pulled out a pair of eyeglasses from his coat pocket and put them on his nose. "And though I usually don't need them -- to read a wrap sheet this long -- I do. Now where was I? Ah, yes...you consciously and willingly gave your heart to a man who...wait this has got to be a typo."

Dr. Phil paused. And looking over to one of his producers, he pointed to the sheet of paper he was reading off of.

"Nope, it's no a typo my producer tells me," said Dr. Phil struggling again to find the place where he left off reading. "Ah, here it is...you married a man that is named...Jesse James? Like in 'Jesse James' the outlaw, is that right now?"

Sandra Bullock again just sat quietly in her chair next to the host with her head down, nodding yes to all his questions.

"We'll be right back after a brief commercial break," said a confused looking Dr. Phil as he reached over to Sandra Bullock whispering into her ear.

"Now, you got to help me out here, honey," said a sympatric Dr. Phil. "You thought your husband's name was a pseudonym, right?'

"No," replied a still coy but now distant looking Sandra Bullock. "I knew it was his real name all along."

As the show returned from commercial break, Dr. Phil pulled back from Sandra Bullock with a strange look on his face; he continued his line of questioning.

"You consciously and willingly gave your heart to a man..." paused Dr. Phil as he stood up and walked over to the producer and said to him: "Y'all are pulling my leg here, right? That innocent looking thing sitting over there is America's Sweetheart; she couldn't possibly have anything to do with a man like that. Not consciously. Not willingly. Not no how!"

After a heated discussion, a red-faced Dr. Phil returned to the stage and sat back down next to Sandra Bullock, picking up right where he left off.

"You consciously and willingly gave your heart to a man -- on top of all this, mind you -- whose previous wife before you was a porn star, is that right now?" said Dr. Phil as he began writing down some notes. "A porn star, huh."

"And not just any porn star," surprisingly spoke up Sandra Bullock without being asked a question, using a low demonic raspy tone of voice. "But the totally hot looking, Janine Lindemulder. You know the one, Doc."

"You mean the one covered in tattoos?" asked Dr. Phil not taking any notice in Sandra Bullock's change of voice, at least not at first. "So I've been told by my mental patients."

"Is that right now?' Sandra Bullock said sarcastically.

"Huh, from porn star to movie star," said Dr. Phil to himself beneath his breath as he scribble away on his notepad underscoring, 'Patient now exhibiting clear signs of demonic possession."

"What did you sssay Doc?" asked Sandra Bullock as her head began to turn around 180 degrees.

"Oh nothing," nervously replied Dr. Phil, removing his prescription eyeglasses from his face so he could rub the upper part of the intersection of his nose where his eyebrows meet, as he visibly struggled to continue with his diagnoses of the troubled marriage of America's Sweetheart. "We'll be back right after these brief messages from our sponsors."

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