Artist Rendition of Harambe the Gorilla Just Moments Before His Death Released by Cincinnati Zoo Officials

Harambe, as seen through the cross-hairs
of Cincinnati zoo officials.

Cincinnati, Ohio --

By Robert W. Armijo

Claiming that the actual footage captured by the gorilla enclosure’s security camera is too graphic to release to the public, Cincinnati zoo officials instead released an artist rendition of Harambe, the 400 pound, 17-tear-old rare silverback gorilla, just moments before his was euthanized.  

An action Cincinnati zoo officials have consistently maintained was necessary to save the 3-year-old boy who fell into the gorilla enclosure last week.

All most immediately after the killing of Harambe, zoo officials become the latest targets of social media. 

Even with the release of the artist rendition of Hamrambe’s final moments, however, critics took to social media, criticizing the zoo officials for releasing the artist rendition, calling it bias, inaccurate and insensitive. 

“The portrait couldn’t be any more accurate,” insisted the director of the zoo. “That’s exactly how Harambe looked just before we had to put him down. In fact, all that’s missing from the drawing is the cross-hairs.”

    

Click Here for Harambe Update 1

Cincinnati Children's Daycare Center Changes Name to Honor Harambe 

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Prince’s Toxicology Report Links Cause of Death of 'The Purple Rain Pop Star' to Muzak

It's Music!
Not Muzak.

By Robert W. Armijo

Prince's  toxicology report just released to the public confirmed initial reports that the purple rain pop star died at his home, while in his private elevator listening to  so-called elevator "music".

“Prince died as an almost direct consequence of listening to Muzak,” the toxicology report disclosed. 

Home security video footage taken from the elevator surveillance camera captured Prince’s final tragic moments on earth.

"At first, he raises his hands in an unsuccessful attempt to cover his ears, clutching at his heart instead," said the police. 

Then he staggers a moment before dropping to the elevator floor.

Specifically, a Muzak rendition of his '1999’ same track titled album, which did not hit the top ten initially, or critical acclaim until two years later, played in an endless loop in the purple pop star's private elevator.

Ironically, it is believed that the Muzak version of his ‘'1999’ 1982 release is what triggered the fatal seizure along with his alleged prescription drug addiction, as it lacked any artist integrity and represented instead pure appeal to conformity and commercialism, which the artist both privately (formally known as the symbol) stood for and yet detested in his public life as  a Jehovah's Witness as Bother Nelson.

A public service is planned to be held for Prince without any Muzak being played during the funeral service.

However, funeral directors could not promise attendees would not be exposed to any Muzak upon the conclusion of the final ceremony, as it is automatically piped in over the public address system at the end of all funeral services. 

So they warn, if you suffer from a preexisting medical condition, the Muzak could trigger a fatal seizure in you. 

“Better bring your own music,” advised a funeral director. “Or at least a pair of good ear plugs. Who knows, it may save your life.” 

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Donald Trump Secretly Offers Monica Lewinsky 1 Million Dollars for Her Presidential Stained Blue Dress

"I just got to get my hands on that blue dress."

By Robert W. Armijo

It has been leaked to the media that Donald Trump has offered former Clinton White House intern, Monica Lewinsky a million of dollars for her blue dress, which is stained with President Clinton’s DNA. 

The blue dress became the focus of a politically motivated investigation against President Clinton in the late 1990s, which eventually lead to his impeachment and disbarment.  

All these years, it is believed Monica Lewinsky never had the blue dress cleaned after it had been stained with president’s sperm and seamen, during one of their many sexual encounters they had in the White House Oval Room, Situation Room and Rose Garden.   

A museum in Las Vegas, Nevada had been the first to offer 1 million dollars to Monica Lewinsky several years ago. 

However, she turned down the offer, stating she simply wanted to put that part of her life behind her and move on.

It has been reported that the museum had planned to publicly display the stained blue dress, using to somehow promote the city’s advertising slogan, “What Happens in Vegas. Stays in Vegas.”  

No reason was given as to why Donald Trump has not offered more then the museum’s offer for the blue dress. Except that it is believed that Trump is following the standard business practice of low balling the initial offer.

Political pundits are speculating that Donald Trump wants to acquire the blue dress stained with President Bill Clinton’s DNA to use t against is arch rival, Hillary Clinton, in his presidential bid for the White House. 

However they admit they are at a loss as to how he will use it against Hillary Clinton.  

Just last week Donald Trump purchased the intellectual property rights to the song, ‘Devil with a Blue Dress On’ song by Mitch Ryder and The Detroit Wheels.

“I can’t say with any certainty exactly what Donald Trump is planning,” said a political pundit. “However, a definite pattern is beginning to emerge.”

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
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High ‘Shcool’ Diploma Misspelling Known by Administrators All Along

"Look, Mom! Look, Dad!
I'm a high shcool graduate!"

By Robert W. Armijo

Administrators admit they knew about the misspelling of ‘shcool’ printed on graduation diplomas in advance of the high school’s commencement ceremony, but they did not take any action to correct it. 

“We simply didn’t think anyone would notice,” said a school administrator. “In fact, we’re surprised anyone did.”

Students themselves admit they did not notice the mistake until after accepting the misspelled diplomas, having posed for pictures with friends, family or even by themselves and then uploading them online.

“I didn’t know school was misspelled on my diploma until after I took a selfie with it and posted it on Facebook,” said Patricia, a recent high ‘shcool’ graduate. 

Patrica's followers tweeted her back ‘LOL’.

"I got over a thousand likes," said Patrica.

Are modern day shcool administrators ushering
 in the extinction of the American spelling bee?

School administrators have offered to replace any misspelled diplomas with a corrected version. 

However, they have yet to receive a single request.

“What did I tell you?” said a school administrator.    

Many educators believe the resulting illiteracy is due to many school districts having dropped spelling and cursive writing from their curriculum, while others are blaming the death of the American spelling bee on colony collapse. 

 
Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Brazil Officially Changes Its Olympic 2016 Mascot to the Zika Virus

"Ciao, Zika! Welcomes You to Rio!
Feel Free to Take a Little Bit of Me...
...I Mean...Brazil Back Home with You."

- Rio, Brazil

By Robert W. Armijo

Brazil has decided to co-opt (own the fact) that it is officially the ground zero for the Zika virus, which causes birth defects in pregnant woman and can live in the male scrotum for weeks after it is undetectable in the blood stream. 

Brazilian Olympic officials believe that in dropping its current mascot Vinicius (a hypoallergenic cat) for Zika (a deadly virus) as its new official 2016 Olympic mascot that they will be able to defuse the building international concern and tension of a pandemic outbreak going deadly virus species ending like in the movie ''Children of Men' kind of going global; and thereby ending the international call for a boycott of the games. 

"WTF"?!

“Just think of Zika as having more tentacles…um, I mean arms to hug you with,” said a Brazilian Olympic official. “So please, feel free to embrace it.”

No need to to worry about Vinicius,
because after personally congratulating Zika
as his replacement, he got a gig driving for Uber. 

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Dennis Miller Performs a Neoconservative Version of ‘The Aristocrats’ at Comedy Clubs Across the Nation

"I simply deplore our class
being reduced to a punchline."

By Robert W. Armijo

The following is a transcript of new stand-up comedy material  that Dennis Miller is testing at various comedy clubs across the nation, possibly in preparation for the upcoming (Post Obama) 2016 presidential election. 

It is a snap shot taken of his neoconservative politics, which he willingly serves as a court jester and icon to the clearly under represented conservative comedy movement that he has recently currently come to represent. 

So, unlike the liberal version of ‘The Aristocrats’, which involves a heterosexual nuclear family unit, engaging in morally deplorable and unlawful acts of incest, rape and bestiality. 

Miller’s version of 'The Aristocrats' involves all that as well ,only he uses a homosexual nuclear family unit instead.

Warning! It is strongly advised that you click the link ‘The Aristocrats’ before proceeding to see if you can stomach this very blue type of comedy or free speech.   

Begin transcript:

------ 

So this guy walks into a talent agency and says, Do I got an act for you.

I’m sorry with the passage of same sex marriage, legalization of marijuana and now transgender bathroom stalls, I’m only accepting family acts. You know, to deal with all the blowback. 

But this is a family act. 

Okay, you got my attention. What do you got?

Well, it starts like this. Two gay men walk onto the stage completely nude and holding hands. 

Hold it right there, buddy. Two gay men? I thought you said it was a family act?

It is. It’s modern family act. 

Yeah, but --

But what?

Well, it’s just that I don’t what to be accused of being homophobic.

Don’t worry. You won’t. Trust me, it’s a classy act.

Okay, go on. I guess.

So, while the gay guy on the floor is getting tea bagged by the other gay man, two teenage boys walk on stage just like their gay fathers.

Hold it. 

Yeah.

Are they naked too? 

Yup. 

Holding hands?

Yup.

And they’re related to the two gay men?

Yup.

Okay, let me save us both sometime here. Let me guess. The two gay men end up having sex with the two teenage boys in every disgusting and illegal manner possible. Right? 

Right.

Now, I’m a little confused here.

About what?

Well, it’s just that earlier you said the act was classy. How is it classy for two adult men to rape two teenage boys? Their sons, no less.

Oh, that. They’re not related to the teenage boys by blood. You see, they’re adopted. 

Oh, I see. And let me guess, you call your act The Aristocrats, right?

Nope.

No?! What then?!

The Democrats!!!

---

End transcript.

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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