Showing posts with label Ashton Kutcher. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ashton Kutcher. Show all posts

A “Kabuki-Masked” Mila Kunis Attends Marine Corps Ball

Greenville, North Carolina –

As the smoky raven-haired Mila Kunis sat with her date at the Marine Corps Ball, all the females (civilians and Marines alike) seated immediately adjacent to her table one-by-one, got up and went into the bathroom to gossip about her appearance.

“I wonder what’s going on?” said Mila’s Marine, taking notice of the exodus.

“I don’t know,” feigned Mila as she threw back another glass of champagne. “Probably can’t hold their liquor.”

Mila Kunis knew what was going on, but she did not want to concern her date with trivial matters. After all, tonight was his night. However, she overheard the snide remarks made of her by other females in attendance for her wearing so much make-up at the honored event.

Inside the bathroom, the women gathered like a brewing storm, sharing their unflattering observations and reproach of Mila Kunis.

“I know she’s an actress,” said one woman. “But I’ve never seen her wear so much make-up before.”

“She has so much make-up on,” said another female. “I thought she just walked off the set of some kind of Kabuki movie or something.”

“I know,” said a female Marine dressed in full formal uniform. “Maybe it’s Maybelline. Maybe it’s camouflage.”

“Okay, stop it you guys!” shouted out Kunis as she burst into the lady’s room. “If you got something to say to me, why don’t you try saying it to my face?”

“We would, if we could see it,” quipped the female Marine who was almost twice the size of Kunis.

“Are you challenging me?” asked Kunis with out hesitation, as she looked the Marine up and down.

“Yeah,” replied the female Marine, stepping forward from the circle of women, rolling up her sleeves. “I’m challenging you.”

Moments later, Mila exited the lady’s room unscathed, cheerfully returning to her table.

“Everything all right?” asked her date.

“It is now,” said Mila, throwing back another glass of champagne. Then, looking down at her hand, she noticed something was wrong.

“Oh shit!” Mila exclaimed.

“What is it?” asked her date.

“I broke a nail, see?” said Mila holding out her hand.

Reaching out to remove what he thought was a piece of white porcelain stuck to Mila’s right index finger, the Marine asked, “Is that a tooth?”

Mila quickly pulled out a mirror from her purse, checking her smile.

“Yup,” Mila casually replied. “But it’s not one of mine. Thank God.”

Mila then snatched the tooth from her date’s hand, dropping into her empty champagne glass.

“Come on,” said Mila grabbing her Marine by the hand. “Let’s dance!”

“Sure,” admiringly replied the Marine, impressed with his date. “But by the looks of it, you already have.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Paparazzi Captures Bruce Willis’ Kutcher Man Crush on Camera -- Demi Devastated!!!

Hollywood, California –

Maybe there is some truth to that old joke about a man complaining to his bartender that his best friend just ran off with his wife…and he misses him. Or maybe it is just a case of déjà vu.

That is because Bruce Willis has just changed residence again. However, this time instead of moving into a house directly across the street from his ex-wife, Demi Moore, he has moved into a house across the street from Ashton Kutcher’s new home.

“Just like he did when Demi dumped him for Ashton,” said a member of the paparazzi staked out in front of the Kutcher residence, waiting for an opportunity to take a picture for the tabloids. “But back then, Bruce said it was so he could be close to his kids. I can hardly wait to hear his excuse now.”

A friend close to Bruce says he has “definitely developed a man crush” on Ashton, though he fears to confront it.

Perhaps believing it will send him into a deep homosexual panic.

“Bruce is beside himself,” continued the female friend with a deep raspy smoker’s voice, asking not to be identified. “And believe me, Demi is not too happy either.”

It appears that Demi Moore went into an outrage when she discovered Bruce followed Ashton to his new home.

“She walked across the street from her house to Bruce’s,” said the friend. “You know, just to get a hug.”

However, all Demi found was moving men packing Bruce’s furniture into the backend of a truck.

“I guess she thought all this time that he was really there for her,” said the friend as she began to cry. “You know, waiting for her to come back to him.”

“It was a real ego boost to Demi. I can tell you that,” said another paparazzo, who along with the others have been documenting the love triangle over the years with their cameras. “I got pictures of her gloating in the review mirror of her car.”

Looking back at Bruce’s house across the street from hers, while she waited with Ashton for the security gate to open up.

“He would be peeking through the curtains at her,” the friend reminisced with great fondness.

“It was a little creepy if you ask me,” commented a paparazzo.

All the while Bruce watched the love of his life, the mother to his children making out with a man half his age in a driveway just across the street a stone’s throw way.

“But way out of reach for him,” continued the now sobbing friend. “Or so she thought, as she foolishly sat in an idling car with her hot young Hollywood producer lover, running her fingers through his full head of silken hair. As her ex-husband, father of her children watched…How stupid could she be, thinking it could last.”

“I got pictures of that too,” said a paparazzo. “We all do.”

However, none of paparazzi had the heart to publish them. Seeing that all had been married and divorced themselves at one time or another. Some more than once, still others more than twice.

“Bruce looked so pitiful. Just standing there, watching his ex-wife from behind those curtains,” said a paparazzo. “A real broken guy, if you ever saw one.”

“I guess you got to be a guy to understand,” said another paparazzo.

“So you see,” said yet another paparazzo. “We’re not the coldhearted money grabbing bastards movie stars and the mainstream media makes us out to be.”

“We’re capable of relating on a personal level,” said another paparazzo. “Not just a professional one.”

“Yeah,” said another paparazzo with a tough New York accent. “We got hearts too, you know.”

Just then Ashton Kutcher, driving a red convertible Mercedes-Benz, pulled into the driveway across the street from Bruce Willis’ new residence.

“Looking back,” continued one paparazzo from behind a camera lens, as he began snapping away photos of Bruce Willis peeking through the curtains like before. “I guess it was a good thing we didn’t publish those photos.”

“Yeah,” added the paparazzo from New York, also busy taking pictures. “Having a heart really does pay off, because now those man crush pictures, along with these man crush pictures are going to make us a fortune.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Demi Divorces Ashton Over His Love Affair with…Twitter?! Ashton Responds Via Twitter

Hollywood, California –

According to divorce papers filed by Demi Moore against her husband several years her junior, Ashton Kutcher was having a Twitter love affair. Not with another woman on Twitter, however, but with IT (Information Technology). That is to say with the latest of today’s social networking and microblogging devices itself.

Not to break with new tradition, however, Ashton Kutcher replied to Demi Moore’s divorce decree allegations via his Twitter account.

“Mr. Kutcher became increasingly emotionally detached,” Demi Moore said at a press conference, as she began reading a copy of her filed court pleadings. “Choosing to spend more time Tweeting his millions of fans than with me.”

Ashton Tweeted: “That’s BS, man. Just wrong. I spent time with – Wait, excuse me. I just got to answer this Tweet.”

Demi Moore cited irreconcilable differences and alienation of affection as the cause for petitioning the court for a divorce.

Ashton Tweeted: “Typical chick move. Obsessed with planning the perfect wedding and the first one’s to file for divorce.”

Reportedly, Demi caught Ashton Tweeting at all times during the day and night.

Ashton Tweeted: “Come on, man. Cut me some slack here. It was only that once. Obama just won the election.”

“He just wouldn’t put it down,” said a desperate Demi Moore, claiming Ashton would Tweet at every opportunity possible.

Ashton Tweeted: “Oh yeah, I remember now. I was supposed to be shaving her hairy mole, lancing her boils and chucking the corns on her feet. EXCUSE MEEE!”

Allegedly, Ashton was caught Tweeting, even while making love to Demi.

Ashton Tweeted: “I guess you could say that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Like as in her Joe Camel 2-packs-a-day cigarette sounding voice.”

“When we were intimate,” Demi Moore said subtlety, as she delicately broached a sensitive subject. “Ashton would rest his BlackBerry on the small of my back.”

Ashton Tweeted: “Yeah, and when I got a Tweet, I said to her, ‘Sorry, honey. I just got to take this booty call.’ LOL.”

Demi Moore claims that she begged her husband to enter rehab, but he refused. Insisting he did not have a problem.

Ashton Tweeted: “Why should I? I’m not the one having trouble embracing the twenty-first century.”

Eventually, as is the case with all troubled relationships, communication between the two all but stopped.

Ashton Tweeted: “Yeah, she removed the batteries from her BlackBerry and started using them in other electronic devices.”

“In the end, he refused to talk to me,” said Demi Moore. “I grew tired of coming home to what had essentially become a big empty house.”

Ashton Tweeted: “That’s not true. I Tweeted her all the time from all over the place: the kitchen, the living room, the bathroom and even the bedroom.”

Demi Moore said she found it difficult to properly express herself in 140 characters or less, as Ashton demanded of her.

“Call me old fashion,” said a tearful Demi Moore. “But I need an occasional handwritten love letter. Something tactile that you can hold in your hands, and clutch to your heart.”

Ashton Tweeted: “Handwritten love letter? Try a clay tablet with hieroglyphics.”

A somber Demi Moore concluded by saying, “I guess social networking and microblogging was the one generation gap we just couldn’t fill.”

Ironically, Ashton simultaneously Tweeted the same thing:

Ashton Tweeted: “I guess social networking and microblogging was the one generation gap we just couldn’t fill.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Is Charlie Sheen ‘Down and Out in Beverly Hills’?

Beverly Hills, California –

Rumor has it that since he got fired from 'Two and a Half Men' earlier this year, Charlie Sheen has been (no pun intended) desperately pitching a remake of the movie ‘Down and Out in Beverly Hills’. Which he will star, playing Nick Nolte’s role in the hit from the 1980s.

"I wish you all the luck in the world little buddy," said Nick Nolte to Charlie Sheen in a phone conversation the two shared. Sheen asked Nolte for his blessing, notify him that he was redoing the movie, casting himself in Nolte’s former role as the bum.

"I hope it brings you as much success as it has me," continued Nolte. "Say, I heard they’re looking for someone to take your place on 'Two and a Half Men'. You think I got a chance?"

Charlie Sheen then informed Nick Nolte that Ashton Kutcher had already filled the position.

"That little [BLEEP]?!"said Nick Nolte. "Gee, that’s too bad. I would have done that job for food."

"Charlie Sheen can really relate to Nolte’s character in that movie. Both are down their luck," explained a spokesman for Charlie Sheen. "Charlie has been through so much. He has been divorced twice, lost his job. He has been reduced to an utter state of poverty. For God’s sakes he’s down to one Goddess and has had to move from his 7.2 million dollar home into a 6.8 million-dollar house. If that’s not down and out in Beverly Hills then I don’t know what is."

Unfortunately for Charlie Sheen, just as he was about to sign the multimillion-dollar movie deal, Ashton Kutcher got wind of the project and quickly calling his agent, he stole the job right from under Sheen's feet.

Charlie Sheen reportedly responded by tweeting Ashton Kutcher congratulations. The gentlemen then expressed mutual admiration for each other.

"You're the dude, dude," Tweeted Sheen to Kutcher.

"Nah, you're the dude, dude," Tweeted back Kutcher to Sheen.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.