Hillary Clinton Vows More Transparency; Orders Stealth Pantsuit

Peek-A-Boo!!!

By Robert W. Armijo

Hillary Clinton’s latest leaked emails allegedly show her continued lack of transparency and apparent credibility. 

“She is going to have trouble explaining this one away,” said a political pundit. 

Evidently, her leaked GPS and time-stamp equipped emails place her on stage at a political rally before her supporters, promising more transparency. 

“The trouble is that while she was delivering her transparency speech to the audience,” said a political pundit. “She was tweeting her secret service security detail, asking them for updates on the progress they were making on the stealth pantsuit she ordered to make for her.”

Begin transcript:

Hillary: Where’s my high-tech optic refracting garment? 

Secret Service: You mean your stealth pantsuit?

Hillary: Yes.

Secret Service: You weren't joking? You were serious?

Hillary: Yeah. 

Secret Service: Um, we’ll get working on it right of way.

Hillary: Make sure you do. I practically feel naked up here with all these people able to see me. I’m going to stand behind the podium for a while. 

End transcript.

Former President William Clinton immediately came to the defense of the democratic prudential candidate. 

“Look,” said Mr. Clinton. “She simply misunderstood what the American people meant by the word transparency. She obviously took it literally.”

Stealth technology experts confirm that if Hillary Clinton were to don such a high-tech pantsuit, people would not only not be able to see she her, but they would be able to see right through her as well.

“That’s what the American people should take away from this,” said Mr. Clinton. “Hillary ordered that stealth pantsuit so people could see right through her.”

Copyright © 2008-2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
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IOC Certifies Shaunae ‘Claim-Jumper’ Miller’s Claim for Olympic Gold

And the Winner is...

By Robert W. Armijo

“Shaunae Miller may not be the only Olympian to throw herself or himself across the finish line for the gold,” explained a commissioner for the International Olympic Committee (IOC).

The IOC called for a press conference to explain their controversial ruling that Miller’s dive across the finish line was  legal under their current IOC regulations. 

...What Does It Matter? 
Something Stinks Around Here.
I Can Tell, Because a Fish Always
Rots from the Head Down.   

“In fact," continued the IOC commissioner. "Shaunae Miller may not be the only Olympian to require a photo finish to determine the winner either.”

“However,” said the IOC commissioner, standing up to unveil a giant blowup photograph of Shaunae Miller, taken at the moment she crossed the finish line, taking the gold. “She is certainly the first Olympian to win by a nose!”

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of: wpclipart.com

Donald Trump’s Official ‘Presidential’ Response to Hillary Clinton’s Nuclear Launch Codes Claim: “I got your nuclear launch codes right here, Hillary! Right here, if you know what I mean? And I think you do. I think you do. Am I right, folks? Or am I right?”

Get Ready to Cut into the Live Feed.

By Robert W. Armijo

Standing before a stadium full of his supporters, Donald Trump addressed Hillary Clinton’s claim that the GOP nominee does not have the temperament to be trusted with the nation’s nuclear launch codes.

A haunting dead silence fell over the stadium audience as Donald Trump brought up the Hillary Clinton’s nuclear launch codes claim. 

“Now, folks,” said Trump. “I am sure all of you have heard by now what Crooked Hillary said about me in the news and my having access to the nuclear launch codes.”

The audience let out a collective, ”Boo!”

“Now, now,” replied Trump. “If I have to be presidential so do you.”

The audience cheered.

“And to prove to you how presidential I can be, here is my official presidential response to Hillary,” said Trump, turning to the teleprompter where a carefully crafted speech by political pundits was prepared for him to read aloud.

However, in that instant, Trump caught his reflection in the teleprompter glass screen. He could not see the wordsmiths' words, which slowly scrolled up for him to read. He could not find it himself to read them. 

"What's he doing?' asked one of his political adviser backstage. 

"What he does best," replied another Trump political adverser. "He's putting his foot in his mouth."

"He's going off script again," said a news director in a mobile TV control booth. "Get ready to cut into the live feed."

Turning away from the teleprompter, Trump did what he had done all his life: he spoke his mind.

“I got your nuclear codes launch right here, Hillary!” Trump said. 

Backstage, Trump's political advisers throw their hands up in the air in frustration.  

The live audience jumped to its feet with cheers, whistles and applause. 

“Right here, if you know what I mean?” continued Trump.  “And I think you do. I think you do. Am I right folks? Or am I right?”

“Speaking of codes,” continued Trump. “You know what to Hill Billy Clinton’s code name for Monica Lewd-Whisky was?” 

A wave of laughter swept over the audience.

“What?” responded a somewhat stunned and surprised Trump. 

Trump then covered the mic with his hand, as he turned to his political advisers backstage for an explanation.

  

“Hill Billy Clinton” and Monica ‘Lewd-Whisky,” they whispered back. 

“Oh, I get it now,” Trump said turning to the audience. “You think that was Monica’s  code name, ‘Lewd-Whisky’. Well it wasn’t. I just made that up. Just now. That’s right. Just made it up. Right here. Right now. Live, baby. You see, what my new so-called political consultants wrote out for me to say and I was suppose to read from the teleprompter was, ‘Deep Throat.” 

The audience echoed back to Trump, ‘Deep Throat’ in the form of a question as if they were a studio audience surprised by the game show host’s answer.

“Yeah, I know. Right,” said Trump. “My joke is much more funny. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what you can expect out of me, if you vote me into the White House come November." 

The audience cheered.

"I will have you laughing at everything I do." continued Trump. "I guarantee it. Yup, we’re really gonna have a good time, folks. A good time.” 

The audience continued cheering.

“In fact,” Trump added, now obviously no longer reading from the teleprompter, shooting straight from the hip. “My administration will make you laugh so hard…”

Trump then cupped his ear to the audience, who played along.

“How hard?!” the audience replied.

“So hard unsubsidized milk will shoot out of your nose,” Trump said in kind, as he began pacing the stage like a stand-up comedian. “Forcing you to go the hospital. There you can expect to pay the bill or file for bankruptcy, because you will no longer have medical coverage under the oppressive yoke of Obamacare!”

Once more, the live audience jumped to its feet with cheers, whistles and applause.

Until they all united in a single voice.

“TRUMP!” they chanted.

“TRUMP!” they chanted.

“TRUMP!” they chanted.

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of: wpclipart.com

Brexit: Top 10 Revenge Ideas the EU is Considering Post Breakaway Vote

"Only Britain Soldiers On!”

By Robert W. Armijo

10) Prohibit British films from participating in the Cannes Film Festival.

9) Impose a French cheese embargo.

8) Reduce to the British pound by 12 ounces.

7) Ban fine British Cuisine from the European contentment.

6) Flood Channel Tunnel with cheap wine.

5) Ban British tourist from gawking at beautiful French women frequenting topless beaches.

4) Jam Benny Hill reruns. 

3) Rename ‘fish and chips’ ‘fish with French fries’.

2) Don’t invite England to the next World War.

1) Register all anglophiles as sex offenders with Interpol.


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Father's Day Joke #1: What Do You Call Male Menopause?

"Cheer up, Mr. ED.
Things will turn up soon." 

A: Erectile Dysfunction [ED]!

Caption: "Cheer up, Mr. ED. Things will turn up soon."


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

God Particle Changes Periodic Table, Updated to Reflect CERN Discovery And Pluto's Still Not a [BLEEPING] Planet!

Periodic Table Now Lists the God Particle
to the Delight of Intelligent Design (ID)
Believers and String Theorist alike.

By Robert W. Armijo

All the periodic tables in the science section have recently been updated to reflect the Organisation européenne pour la recherche nucléaire (CERN) discovery of the God Particle.

The move comes on the recommendation of the International Astronomical Union (IAU). 

The same organization that brought democracy to science when they voted that Pluto was not a planet back in 2006 during their XXVIth general assembly in Prague, Czech Republic. 

"After the discovery of the God Particle at CERN,” said a spokesman for IAU. “We knew it was just a matter of time before we had to put the update of the periodic table to the vote as well.”

Updating the periodic table encountered little resistance, passing almost unanimously among the IAU membership. 

Only one scientist abstained from the vote, claiming that to participate in such a democratic process would be wanton abandonment of the scientific method.  

“Science is not a democracy,’ said Professor Thomas Windset. “You just cannot put the scientific method to the vote.”

Prof. Windset also abstained from the ‘Pluto: Planet or Not?’ vote for the same reasons back in 2006.

This diagram once depicted Pluto’s peaceful orbit in our
solar system. Now it serves as a bitter reminder to its
celestial outcast social status to current and future
susceptible and unsuspecting generations of judgmental stargazers.

Back then, Prof. Windset stood before the general assembly in Prague in protest.

“Pluto not a planet?! Really?!” said Prof. Windset, as he shook his head in disbelief.  “What’s next ladies and gentleman of science, updating the periodic table if and when we ever discover the so-called 'God Particle'?”

“I was being sarcastic,” explained Prof. Windset, as he recalled Neil deGrasse Tyson sitting in the front row, rubbing his chin and nodding his head in agreement. “I should’ve kept my big mouth shut.”



Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
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Bored Housewife Scales 33-Story Skyscraper, Using Vacuum Cleaner

"Hey, these windows are way easier
 to clean than mine back home."

By Robert W. Armijo

“I was doing housework,” explained Jane Alva, housewife and mother of two small children. “Vacuuming the living room, putting off washing the windows for last.”

Alva lives in a two-story house and doing the windows is often a very difficult task to complete.

“I have to pull the ladder out from the garage,” said Alva. “Then climb up and down for every window on all four sides of the house.”

That is when Alva got the idea to get dual use out of her vacuum cleaner. 

“I was always reading how everyday items around the house can be used to substitute cleaning chemicals,” said Alva. “So, I thought, ‘Why not convert my vacuum cleaner into super suction cups and use it to climb up and down the sides of the house?” 

All Alva has to do now is strap on the vacuum cleaner to her back, slip on her super suction cups (converted toilet plungers) and ascend the interior and exterior walls of her house to clean.   

Since deploying her invention, Alva has not only attracted the attention of her neighbors, but also the head of the manufacturer of the vacuum cleaner she converted into an unconventional climbing and cleaning equipment.  

The CEO asked Alva if she would be willing to scale a 33-story skyscraper for an advertisement campaign promoting the fidelity of their product.  

“Okay," replied Alva. "But only if I can use my own hair I wove into a rope as a safety tether."

“Agreed!” said the CEO.

Alva has since been contacted by the company that makes her conditioner, asking her if she would be interested in doing a commercial for their product as well.


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

Fallen Gorilla Inspires Cincinnati Children's Daycare Center to Change Name: 'The Harambe Daycare Center for Children'

"Welcome to 'The Harambe Daycare Center for Children'.
Don't bother walking your kids in, we'll just go out to
your car and drag them in by their feet. 

By Robert W. Armijo

A Cincinnati children’s daycare center has chosen to honor the memory of Harambe the 17-year-old, 400-pound silverback gorilla that was shot and killed by Cincinnati zoo keepers last week after a 3-year-old boy fell into his enclosure. 

The incident triggered a firestorm on social media, which took exception to the zoo officials’ actions.

“Come Monday morning we will officially be known as ‘The Harambe Daycare Center for Children,” said the center’s director. “But that not all.”

The director then clapped her hands and out came her staff all dressed in gorilla suits, each carrying small dolls. 

“You see,” said the director. "Here at 'The Harambe Daycare Center for Children', we intend not only to honor Harambe with words, but with action, too.”

By dressing up in gorilla suits, the director and her staff hope to teach children at a young age not only to tolerate 400-pound lowland silverback gorillas, but trust them implicitly as well. 

“Perhaps,” said the director with a slight tremor in her voice. “If zoo keepers at the Cincinnati zoo would have had such training at their daycare center when they were children, they would not have shot and killed Harambe.” 

As the director spoke passionately, members of her, staff still in their gorilla suits, began jumping up and down on the furniture and dragging around their small dolls on the ground.

“Here,” said the director, as she bent down to pick up one of the small dolls from the ground, handing it over to woman in a gorilla suit. “You dropped this.”

“Thanks,” said the woman in the gorilla suit.

“You’re welcome,” replied the director as she wiped away a tear.

Harambe Update: 1

Cincinnati Zoo Releases Artist Rendition of Harambe

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:
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JetBlue: ‘The Frequent Flyer Mile-High Swinger’s Club in the Sky?’

"Attention all passengers, please return to your seats.
It's about to get a bit choppy."  

By Robert W. Armijo

The refusal to allow a scantly clad lass to board a JetBlue flight last week is apparently the tip of the iceberg or the tip of something big anyway.

It appears not allowing the sexy young woman to board the plane until she changed into more conservative clothing was an over correction on behalf of the airline.

“JetBlue has a reputation among the airline industry,” said a JetBlue stewardess that asked not to be identified. “We’re known as ‘The Frequent Flyer Mile-High Swinger’s Club in the Sky.”

A quick Internet search on Crag’s List would seem to verify JetBlue’s sexually unsavory reputation, as hundreds, if not thousands of posts, arrange for swing couples to make plans to rendezvous aboard JetBlue.

Apparently, when the JetBlue personnel turned away the sexily dressed young woman, she mistook her for a hooker, or at least a member of the mile-high club.

Although JetBlue refused to comment further on the incident, other airlines have confirmed JetBlue’s reputation for attracting sexually promiscuous passengers.

“They aren’t the only one with that problem,” said a pilot from a Texas-based airline. “Sex aboard airplane bathrooms has been around since the birth of aviation. You could call it the second oldest profession in the world, if it were a profession. Wait. I take that back. For some, it is a profession.”

“You won’t find it in any training manual,” said the flight attendant. “But we are trained to spot potential swingers aboard every flight."

The stewardess confirms spotting swingers is a lot like racial profiling or looking out for suspected terrorists.

“If I see an attractive woman exaggeratedly swaying her hips back-in-forth, while walking up and down the aisle, swinging her purse in the air and chewing bubble gum, I ask her to take her seat,” said the stewardess.  

Airline crews are also trained to listen for the interlocking sound of the bathroom stalls of the plane. 

“The second we hear that sliding and locking sound,” said the stewardess. “We are trained to take immediate action by taking a passenger headcount of all potential swingers.”

If any two are missing, the stewardess informs the pilot who then turns on the return to your seat sign. 

“And if that doesn’t work,” continued the stewardess. “Some pilots will go so far as to fake turbulence.”

Some pilots have been known to put the plane into a tailspin or nosedive in order to cut the swinging couple’s sexual liaison short.

“Oh, it’s not meant to stop them. God no,” explained the stewardess. “It’s meant to hurry them up, as the fear of sudden death apparently excites them further, which gets them to climax faster.”

“The sooner they are done with their business,” said the pilot. “The sooner we can all get on with ours.”

The stewardess confesses that not all swingers are easy to spot. 

“You’d think a guy wearing a hat, dark glasses and a trench coat would be easy to spot as a swinger,” said the flight attendant. “But that’s not the case. Especially on a rainy day.”

Nor are flight attendants and pilots capable of stopping or even successful at cutting short all sexual encounters.

“In which case,” said the stewardess. “It makes you wish they would allow smoking on the plane again. I mean those bathroom doors are not very thick. Sound escapes so easily.”

“When that happens,” said the pilot. “There’s nothing else you can do. If you can’t beat them, join them. I always say. So I switch on the autopilot and me a few stewardesses have a little orgy of our own in the galley. You just got to remember to take the airplane out of the tailspin or nosedive before engaging the autopilot is all. Otherwise, it could get a little messy real quick like, if you know what I mean. After all, a man has to make sure he pleases the ladies first. Before he pleases himself, if you get my drift.”

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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JetBlue To Scantly Clad Female Passengers: True We’re JetBlue, Just Not That Blue

"Welcome aboard JetBlue, Shwing!"

By Robert W. Armijo

“Just because JetBlue has the word blue in it doesn’t mean we’re blue,” said a spokesman for JetBlue. 

The comment came as a result of JetBlue having denied access to the plane last week for an attractive female client failing to meet with the airlines unofficial passenger dress code.

The young woman was wearing zebra stripped shorty short shorts and long leggings at the time she was turned away at the boarding gate by JetBlue personnel. 

A stewardess told her she would be allowed to resume her flight once she changed her clothes. 

So she hopped into a nearby bathroom and did just that. However, not before she took pictures of what she was wearing and posted them on the internet, which went viral.

Although a self-admitted burlesque dancer by profession, the young lady said she only dresses provocatively publicly when she goes to the airport.

“It saves time going through the TSA security checkpoints,” said the young woman. “They’re so busy looking at my body that they don’t even bother checking my bags. Well, at least not those bags anyway. I mean, I could be carrying a bomb on my carry-on and they’d never notice.”

“What’s she talking about? She is the bomb,” said a fellow male passenger, who witnessed the entire incident. Even exchanging his first-class ticket to coach, so he could sit next to the girl during the flight. 

“There was absolutely nothing wrong with what that girl was wearing,” the man continued. “She was my angel. My little blue angel. JetBlue is crazy for making her change.”

The young woman says she will continue to wear scantly clad clothing every time she goes to the airport, but says she will always be sure to carry more conservative clothing to change into, should the need arise. 

“I’ll tell you JetBlue was not the thing that was blue during that flight,” added the man. “My [BLEEP]s were blue too. In fact, they were so blue, I thought they were going to fall off somewhere over the continual United States. You know, like blue ice off a jet plane out of the clear blue sky.”

Click here to join the JetBlue Frequent Flyer Mile-High Swinger's Club in the Sky story already in progress. 

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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