Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts

"Glitter Booty" Helps Wife Catch Cheating Hubby

Hollywood, California --

By Robert W. Armijo

“I had suspected that my husband was cheating on me with his secretary for years,” said Mrs. Andersen. “But I never could find the proof.”

Mrs. Andersen said her husband would deny having an affair every time she confronted him with the accusation; until one day, while taking a shower, she discovered something sparkly running down her legs and down the drain.

“What’s this?” Mrs. Andersen thought to herself, as she held out her index finger with a cluster of purple glitter booty on the tip of it.

Suddenly, Mrs. Andersen’s eyes grew wider, as if she had an epiphany.

Mrs. Andersen immediately dropped her towel, sat down on the toilet and reached for a hand held mirror.

She paused a moment and took a deep breath before taking a look.

“I screamed so loud, my neighbor came knocking on my front door, asking if I was alright,” said Mrs. Andersen.

Mrs. Andersen is not the only wife to discover with the help of glitter booty  that their husband was cheating on them.

Mrs. Chapmen also discovered with the help of glitter booty that her husband was cheating on her as well.

“Every time I’d confront him, he would deny it,” said Mrs. Chapmen. “Even telling me it was my period talking.”

However, one evening, after sharing an intimate moment with her husband, Mrs. Chapmen got up to brush her teeth.

As Mrs. Chapmen reached for her toothbrush, she looked up into the bathroom mirror and noticed a ring of glitter booty all round her mouth.

“I said, ‘What the BLEEP is this?’” said Mrs. Chapmen.

Suddenly, Mrs. Chapmen’s eyes widened as well, as if she too had an epiphany.

Mrs. Chapmen also screamed so loud that her neighbor came knocking on her front door, asking her if she was alright.

Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

JetBlue: ‘The Frequent Flyer Mile-High Swinger’s Club in the Sky?’

"Attention all passengers, please return to your seats.
It's about to get a bit choppy."  

By Robert W. Armijo

The refusal to allow a scantly clad lass to board a JetBlue flight last week is apparently the tip of the iceberg or the tip of something big anyway.

It appears not allowing the sexy young woman to board the plane until she changed into more conservative clothing was an over correction on behalf of the airline.

“JetBlue has a reputation among the airline industry,” said a JetBlue stewardess that asked not to be identified. “We’re known as ‘The Frequent Flyer Mile-High Swinger’s Club in the Sky.”

A quick Internet search on Crag’s List would seem to verify JetBlue’s sexually unsavory reputation, as hundreds, if not thousands of posts, arrange for swing couples to make plans to rendezvous aboard JetBlue.

Apparently, when the JetBlue personnel turned away the sexily dressed young woman, she mistook her for a hooker, or at least a member of the mile-high club.

Although JetBlue refused to comment further on the incident, other airlines have confirmed JetBlue’s reputation for attracting sexually promiscuous passengers.

“They aren’t the only one with that problem,” said a pilot from a Texas-based airline. “Sex aboard airplane bathrooms has been around since the birth of aviation. You could call it the second oldest profession in the world, if it were a profession. Wait. I take that back. For some, it is a profession.”

“You won’t find it in any training manual,” said the flight attendant. “But we are trained to spot potential swingers aboard every flight."

The stewardess confirms spotting swingers is a lot like racial profiling or looking out for suspected terrorists.

“If I see an attractive woman exaggeratedly swaying her hips back-in-forth, while walking up and down the aisle, swinging her purse in the air and chewing bubble gum, I ask her to take her seat,” said the stewardess.  

Airline crews are also trained to listen for the interlocking sound of the bathroom stalls of the plane. 

“The second we hear that sliding and locking sound,” said the stewardess. “We are trained to take immediate action by taking a passenger headcount of all potential swingers.”

If any two are missing, the stewardess informs the pilot who then turns on the return to your seat sign. 

“And if that doesn’t work,” continued the stewardess. “Some pilots will go so far as to fake turbulence.”

Some pilots have been known to put the plane into a tailspin or nosedive in order to cut the swinging couple’s sexual liaison short.

“Oh, it’s not meant to stop them. God no,” explained the stewardess. “It’s meant to hurry them up, as the fear of sudden death apparently excites them further, which gets them to climax faster.”

“The sooner they are done with their business,” said the pilot. “The sooner we can all get on with ours.”

The stewardess confesses that not all swingers are easy to spot. 

“You’d think a guy wearing a hat, dark glasses and a trench coat would be easy to spot as a swinger,” said the flight attendant. “But that’s not the case. Especially on a rainy day.”

Nor are flight attendants and pilots capable of stopping or even successful at cutting short all sexual encounters.

“In which case,” said the stewardess. “It makes you wish they would allow smoking on the plane again. I mean those bathroom doors are not very thick. Sound escapes so easily.”

“When that happens,” said the pilot. “There’s nothing else you can do. If you can’t beat them, join them. I always say. So I switch on the autopilot and me a few stewardesses have a little orgy of our own in the galley. You just got to remember to take the airplane out of the tailspin or nosedive before engaging the autopilot is all. Otherwise, it could get a little messy real quick like, if you know what I mean. After all, a man has to make sure he pleases the ladies first. Before he pleases himself, if you get my drift.”

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:

JetBlue To Scantly Clad Female Passengers: True We’re JetBlue, Just Not That Blue

"Welcome aboard JetBlue, Shwing!"
By Robert W. Armijo

“Just because JetBlue has the word blue in it doesn’t mean we’re blue,” said a spokesman for JetBlue. 

The comment came as a result of JetBlue having denied access to the plane last week for an attractive female client failing to meet with the airlines unofficial passenger dress code.

The young woman was wearing zebra stripped shorty short shorts and long leggings at the time she was turned away at the boarding gate by JetBlue personnel. 

A stewardess told her she would be allowed to resume her flight once she changed her clothes. 

So she hopped into a nearby bathroom and did just that. However, not before she took pictures of what she was wearing and posted them on the internet, which went viral.

Although a self-admitted burlesque dancer by profession, the young lady said she only dresses provocatively publicly when she goes to the airport.

“It saves time going through the TSA security checkpoints,” said the young woman. “They’re so busy looking at my body that they don’t even bother checking my bags. Well, at least not those bags anyway. I mean, I could be carrying a bomb on my carry-on and they’d never notice.”

“What’s she talking about? She is the bomb,” said a fellow male passenger, who witnessed the entire incident. Even exchanging his first-class ticket to coach, so he could sit next to the girl during the flight. 

“There was absolutely nothing wrong with what that girl was wearing,” the man continued. “She was my angel. My little blue angel. JetBlue is crazy for making her change.”

The young woman says she will continue to wear scantly clad clothing every time she goes to the airport, but says she will always be sure to carry more conservative clothing to change into, should the need arise. 

“I’ll tell you JetBlue was not the thing that was blue during that flight,” added the man. “My [BLEEP]s were blue too. In fact, they were so blue, I thought they were going to fall off somewhere over the continual United States. You know, like blue ice off a jet plane out of the clear blue sky.”

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:

Top 10 Ways to Look Better Naked for Body Image Self-conscious Women

By Robert W. Armijo

By nature, men are visceral. 

So as visually stimulated creatures, they do not even need to see a woman naked to get sexually aroused (seemingly a contradiction). 

So, as a woman, you are in an intimate relationship with a man, denying him from seeing you naked is unrealistic and potentially costly – Eventually emotionally at first and potentially financially second.  

Still, you are self-conscious of your body. You are convinced that if he sees you naked, he’ll bolt for the door and never come back. 

So you resort to the standard most common practice to hide your body: You reach for the light switch and turn it off. 

A simple and eloquent solution for sure. 

Only the light may not be the only thing you’re turning off in the bedroom. 

Still, you’re in a committed relationship and what’s he gonna do? 

(Please note: Now is the time to read between the lines i.e. subtext: Cheat on you and/or leave you) 

However, what if you are in a new relationship or care enough to keep the spark alive to maintain the status quo of that “so-called” now seriously called into question committed relationship? 

Not letting him see you naked over time will only draw his suspicion or worst yet, curiosity. 

Besides, reaching for the light switch will only result in temporally delaying the inevitable. Be it the inevitable reveal or inevitable breakup. 

Still, you insist: If he sees you naked, he’ll (again) bolt for the door and never ever come back. 

So what can you do? 

Well, here are a few suggestions you may want to act upon that will keep you covered, while you’re under the covers without him suspecting a thing; or especially make him curious. 

(Warning: Although the following suggestions are incredibly deceitful by nature, they will cover your nakedness and keep him at bay. At least for in the now...)


10)    Tell your lover you want to try something kinky in the bedroom tonight. So that way you can blindfold him without him suspecting your real motive: hiding your naked body from his prying eyes. 

(Note: Make sure the blindfold is 100 percent effective by testing it out on yourself first. With all the lights on, be sure to stand into of a full body mirror naked.)

9)     Turn off the bedroom lights and turn on the strobe light, laser light show and kerosene fog machine. He’ll be so distracted and delightfully entertained at the same time, he won’t even notice you – naked or not.

(Note: The use of a kerosene fog machine during any sexual encounter only enhances the experience. Not only because the fog generated is nearly foolproof at masking cardinal imperfections but because it lends any bedroom that Bela Lugosi ambiance, heightening the senses;)    

8) Wear a Spanx full-body suit over your birthday suit. Or try some fishnet stockings. They’re always a good way to hook a man, even though you’ll be the catch of the day. Just be sure to inject a little dirty talk. Lean into him and whisper softly and slowly into his ear: “It may smell like fish, but I promise it tastes like chicken.” Or “Go ahead. Dive in face first. I’m mercury free, baby.” Or “Welcome to the ‘All-You-Can-Eat’ Discount Sushi Bar’.”

Continuing with the previous above aforementioned food theme sexual exploits:

7)    Mixing food with sex is growing in popularity now days. So, try covering the more venerable areas of your body with some delicious food product. Like whipped cream, honey or a large pepperoni pizza. However, first check with your local pizzeria as pizza sizes are not standardized and very widely. After all, you want to make sure they got a pizza large enough to cover up your trouble spots.

(Warning: Be prepared: You may have to order an extra large. Oh, and don’t forget to tip the deliveryman.) 

6)    Set off a bug bomb in the bedroom and tell him it’s just some new scented candle you’re trying out.  The fog from the bug bomb will have a dual negative effect on him: Obscure his vision and impair his judgement. No doubt, the ingestion of the highly toxic chemicals will cause him to hallucinate so he won’t even notice, or more likely remember, the gas mask you’ll be wearing – And that’s just the start. You Go Girl! 

(Safety Tip: Be sure no lit candles are in the room as the chemicals in the bug bomb are highly flammable and as the name of the device advertises, explosive.)

5) Enter the bedroom wearing one of those tacky T-shirts the kind with a perfect headless bikini body printed on the front and back. Be sure to ham it up a bit by pausing along the way to le lit (the bed) by making cheesecake poses before slipping under the covers. Be sure to remove the T-shirt only after you’re securely under them. That not ensures that your body is continuously covered but it adds an element of consistency through continuity canceling his curiosity. 

(Editors Note: He’ll be so taken aback by your playfulness and sense of humor, he’ll think not seeing you naked is all part of the act. No arousing suspicion. No arousing curiosity. Just pure unadulterated arousal.) 

Building on the previous above aforementioned bikini theme sexual exploits:

4) Use body paint like those Sports Illustrated models. Except paint on his favorite Sports Illustrated swim magazine cover on your body. You’ll have him feeling like he’s all alone in the bathroom so much so that he’ll be reaching for the tissue paper in no time. 

(Word of Caution: Due to the recent marketing practices of Sports Illustrated publishing multiple covers for the same annual issue by using different swim suit models, be sure you properly research which SI cover is actually his favorite first. Or you’ll be the one reaching for the tissue paper:(…

3) Going on all four plus. Now, the going on all four plus is not just alluding to you assuming the missionary position. The plus actually involves you – dressing up as a dog -- braking like a dog, wagging your tail and fetching a so-called “bone”.

(Cautionary Word: Be sure to use only non-toxic body paint on the “bone”. Some women had to be hospitalized after using liquid paper as a cheaper substitute. In addition, he may be allergic to fur. So use only hypoallergenic fur or synthetic fibers in your doggy costume. Of course, be sure to use knee pads if you expect your encounter will be an extended one or if he’s using Viagra. Remember, if his “boner” lasts longer than four hours, be sure to call a friend. You may need the extra help bring him down.)

2)    For this one, he’ll be thinking of another “woman” while he’s making love to you, which would normally make you angry. But if you’re really desperate to hid your naked body from him, you got to be willing to make a few sacrifices. First, purchase a black straight-hair wig and a black light -- the kind that makes florescent paint glow in the dark like in those psychedelic posters from the 1960's. Second, paint up your imperfect naked body like Olivia Wilde’s isomorphic algorithm (ISO) character Quorra from the Tron: Legacy movie. Third, flick on the black light and the rest is history.  

(Footnote: Take a step back. You should probably rent the Tron: Legacy movie first. Preferably watching it the night before. He mostly likely has already seen it several times before, so it’s really just research for you. That way, you know exactly what kind of black wig to buy and practice how to paint up your body just like Quorra’s tight fitting somewhat luminescent cycle suit. If it’s any consolation, he’s not emotionally cheating on you with a real woman but a completely fictions ISO – Come to think of it. That might not actually make you feel better but make you feel much more worse. Sorry:( 

1)    Finally – and this goes back to the beginning, bringing us full-circle -- be honest with him. However, before disrobing, prepare him by prefacing him first. Remind him that like in that John Mayer song about a woman’s body being a “wonderland”. A woman’s body is in fact like a “wonderland”. And that he should brace himself for reality; because sometimes that means, like with all amusement parks, some of the rides have to be shutdown from time to time for maintenance and repair, during your visit. And that the rides once reopened -- revisited upon years later -- may not be as thrilling as one remembers, due to repeated use or over use of those facilities. 

(Note: The use of the phrases “repeated use” and “over use” are no accident. Their use subtly faults him for your body’s imperfections in a passive aggressive manner. But don’t you feel guilty, girl. Because it’s probably true. Particularly if you stuck with him this long without a ring around your finger; or especially true if you‘ve born his children. Also, it helps to actually have that John Mayer wonderland song playing in the background during your little heart warming speech. It helps set the mood. Grant you, it’s no kerosene fog machine. But then again, what is?) 

1.1)    Bonus: Buy a rubber Japanese Sumo wrestler suit and wear it around the house for about a week. By the time you take it off, he’s will have been acclimated to the suit so much so that when he sees your body, he’ll consider himself lucky and finally embrace you and all your imperfections.   

(Warming: Some women have experienced weight loss due to wearing the suit, because of the heat generated while wearing it and having to carry the additional weight. However, to the horror of some women, they discovered that their men have lost total interest in them in the bedroom. 

“He wouldn’t touch me unless I was in the suit,” reported one woman.

“He made me not only gain back all the weight I lost,” said another woman. “He made me put on more. Now I don’t even need the suit anymore.”

According to these antidotes, it would appear that wearing the Sumo wrestler suit has the unforeseen consequences. It turns some men into what is unfalteringly referred to as a “fatty”-- That is a man that is sexually attracted to so-called "Plus Sized" women. 

“I was finally at my ideal weight,” said Mrs. Anderson, who lost weight by wearing the suit only to have to gain it back in a bid to save her marriage. “I was finally conformable with my body being naked. I was a knock out. But he wasn’t sexually aroused any more.”

Mrs. Anderson then gained back all the weight she lost and even put on several more pounds just to be sure. 

“Now he’s all over me again,” said Mrs. Anderson. “Like hot butter on a lobster. Which reminds me, I left something boiling on the stove.”:)

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

New Study Reveals Why Tall, Attractive and Hygienic People Get Paid And Get [BLEEP] More Than You Do

By Robert W. Armijo

Previous researchers have proven a bias exists among employers when it comes to hiring, keeping and compensating employees that are taller, attractive and more hygienic than most average height obtaining, plain looking and odor challenged employees.

The presumption, based on a substantial body of previous scientific studies, was that it is simply because they are…well, taller, attractive and more hygienic than the rest of us.

Until now, that is.

“When I see a tall, good looking and well groomed guy walk into my office asking me for a job, the first thing that pops into my head is ‘Oh boy, how much is this going to cost me,” said Vinny Patron, a research participant and CEO of Patron’s Fine Italian Suits for Men (headquartered in New Jersey). “But you know what? It’s always worth it in the end. Whatever it costs me. It’s always worth it.”

By contrast Mr. Vinny Patron says that when an overweight, unattractive and unshaven man walks into his office, asking him for a job, he has the opposite reaction.

“First thing that pops into my head?” Mr. Vinny Patron, asked rhetorically. “‘What? Are you kidding me, pal? You’re gonna’ have to pay me, if you want to work here.”

A careful analysis of the data indicates that employer bias is not solely based on the human sexual response to tall, attractive and more hygienic people, as previous studies concluded, but rather on economic considerations as well.

“You know what the second thing that pops into my head,” continued Mr. Vinny Patron. “When I see a job candidate that is tall, attractive and more hygienic, I says to myself, I says, ‘Is this guy for real, or what? Nobody looks that good. Nobody smells that good. I mean not naturally, anyways. He must be spending a fortune on the gym membership, private trainers, augmentation surgeries, veneers and potpourri.’ Now that [BLEEP] is [BLEEP] expensive. I’m talking the imported stuff. Not this domestic crap they try to pass off to me as potpourri, either. But the good stuff. The best.”

Again, by contrast, Mr. Vinny Patron says he has the opposite reaction when he interviews an overweight, unattractive and unshaven man.

“I says to myself, I says,” said Mr. Vinny Patron. “‘Check this out. Look at how much this guy wants? Yeah right. Are you kidding me? So what? So ah. So you can spend it all on fast-food, pal? Because you’re sure not spending on razors, toothpaste or underarm deodorant. That’s for sure.”

The economic component at the conclusion of the study was a surprise to the researchers, at first. However, they claim it all makes sense now, somehow.

“I always thought my sister, who was voted the homecoming queen, while I had to earn my valedictorian academia status got all the breaks in life simply because of her predisposed genetic propensity to physical aesthetic appeal,” shared Sheryl Seymour, head researcher of the study. “But as it turns out, mom was right all along. All I needed to do was wear a pair of high heel shoes, put on some makeup or simply have shaved my armpits -- Possibly even just plucked my eyebrows. And I could’ve had my sister’s life. I could’ve gotten married. Had a husband. And had some kids by now. Oh my God. I could’ve had kids! Instead, all got this dumb white lab coat, these freakishly looking black framed eyeglasses and those stupid lab rats. I hate lab rats! Why are they always dying on me?!”

Copyright © 2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Mister Miss America Apologizes to Former Miss America Vanessa Williams for Miss America’s Outdated 1984 Moral Sensibilities…America!

By Robert W. Armijo

“Whether you were forced to resign your title as Miss America because of nude pictures or not,” said the now CEO of the Miss America pageant, during last night’s show. “It just doesn’t matter. Not really. Not now.” 

“Thank you,” replied a teary eyed, Vanessa Williams. 

The former Miss America queen lost her crown when nude photographs taken with another woman surfaced in Penthouse magazine way back in 1984.

“Although they were nude pictures published in Penthouse magazine,” continued the CEO. “Still it just doesn’t matter. Really, it doesn’t.”

“Thank you so very much,” said Williams, while wiping away a tear.

“I mean so what if they were nude pictures published in Penthouse magazine with another woman,” continued the CEO. “Or nude pictures published in Penthouse magazine with another woman done in provocative suggestive lesbian poses. It doesn’t matter. Not then and certainly not now.”

“I know and I thank --” Williams was cut off before she could finish her sentence.

“Whatever, right?” continued the CEO. “I mean what are a few naked photos published in Penthouse magazine – then an internationally published magazine, mind you -- with another woman done in a provocative suggestive lesbian fashion who also happened to be white...Though I’m sure race had nothing to do with it, right?”

“No, no,” said a stunned Williams. “Certainly not.”

The CEO paused a moment, as if lost in thought.

“Just in case,” said the CEO. “On behalf of the Miss America pageant, I would like to apologize for that too.”

“For what now?” replied Williams.

“I mean,” continued the CEO. “Whether they were nude pictures published in Penthouse magazine with a woman in suggestive lesbian poses who also happened to be white, during Ronald Reagan’s conservative 'shining city on the hill' era or whatever. It just doesn’t matter. It really, really doesn’t matter.”

Williams looked on in dumbfound silence.

“I mean they’re not even pornographic, if you think about it really,” said the CEO.

“Oh no,” said Williams. “I don’t like were this is going.”

“I mean we all know now that it’s only pornography if it’s done in color, right?” said the CEO.

“I guess,” said Williams.

”I mean it’s not pornography if it’s done in black and white, right?” said the CEO. “I mean if we only knew that back then.”

Williams hung her head down.

The CEO then fell silent.

Williams lifted up her head, shocked that the CEO finally stopped talking.

“Are you done?” Williams meekly asked the CEO.

With a forced smile on his face, the CEO simply nodded yes.

“Really?” asked Williams in somewhat disbelief.

However, no sooner had Williams asked her question of the CEO did he began to speak again.

“I mean that one black and white photo with your face pushed up against that other woman’s bush is in no way offensive by today’s standards,” said the CEO.  “Am I right audience?”

The audience clapped but somewhat hesitantly.

“No,” replied Williams, assuring and asserting herself. “I guess not.”

“And I guess in some small way we all have you to thank for that, right?” asked the CEO.

“I guess so,” said Williams as she hung her head again and slumped her shoulders.

However, the audience rose to their feet with whistles and applause of approval for Williams.

“Now,” asked the CEO above the din of the audience. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Um, you’re welcome, I guess,” said Williams.

As the applause from the audience grew louder, Williams’ confidence grew as well.

“You’re welcome America!” said a reborn Williams. “You’re welcome!”

Williams then signaled the orchestra.

As the band played burlesque music, Williams took to the catwalk, stripping off her clothes all along the way, pausing periodically to throw them out to eager members of the audience.

Williams then licked her thumb, pressed it against her hip and made a sizzling sound.

“Mama still got it!” Williams said. “Come and get it boys, while it’s still hot.” 

Photos courtesy of

Copyright © 2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.