‘Pink Slime’ Positively Charged Bovine Ectoplasm -- “Don’t Worry Be Happy

New York, New York –

Millions of Americans have absolutely no need for concern over the presence of Pink Slime in their beef. In fact, if you are not already beginning to feel good about Pink Slime chances are by the end of this story you will be. Why? You may still care to ask. Because it has been positively charged with good emotions.

“You see,” said a spokesman for the meat industry. “Before humanely putting down [killing] the cattle in many of our ergonomic processing facilities [slaughterhouses], we have two Catholic priests, a young one and an old, perform an exorcism on the bovine. Expelling all the demonic forces that taint the meat and haunt the byproduct of lean, finely textured meat [Pink Slime].”

As the bovines are slaughtered, positive images are projected onto the walls of the killing room, synchronized to a soundtrack playing, “Don’t Worry Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin (1988).

“And not just any positive images,” said a spokesman for the USDA. “But good wholesome images of American.”

One-by-one as the cattle are humanely electrocuted to death, images of Americana flash before their tear-filled brown eyes, as blood splatters on the walls of the killing room.

Images of apple pie, kids playing baseball in a dusty vacant lot and grandma knitting a quilt, while rocking back-and-forth next to a cool pitcher of lemonade on a nearby table on a porch on a hot summer’s day.

Once the blood is drained and the cattle carcasses are cut up, the fat and nerve tissue, which was once used solely in dog food, is subjected to further processing making it fit for human consumption.

“Now that’s progress,” said the meat industry spokesman.

Still possessed by demonic forces, however, the Pink Slime is then rendered inert by one final step in the processing.

“We sprinkle it with holy water,” said the meat industry spokesman, who later recanted. “Actually, it's ammonia-treated water blessed by a priest.”

However, by the end of this final processing, the Pink Slime is still possessed.

"Only this time, it is by supernatural forces with good attitudes and positive outlooks on their past lives," said the meat industry spokesman.

“Holy Cow!” exclaimed Marvin Munkmier, who no longer cares what they put into his beef. “This meat not only tastes good. It makes me feel good too.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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