God Particle Changes Periodic Table, Updated to Reflect CERN Discovery And Pluto's Still Not a [BLEEPING] Planet!

Periodic Table Now Lists the God Particle
to the Delight of Intelligent Design (ID)
Believers and String Theorist alike.

By Robert W. Armijo

All the periodic tables in the science section have recently been updated to reflect the Organisation européenne pour la recherche nucléaire (CERN) discovery of the God Particle.

The move comes on the recommendation of the International Astronomical Union (IAU). 

The same organization that brought democracy to science when they voted that Pluto was not a planet back in 2006 during their XXVIth general assembly in Prague, Czech Republic. 

"After the discovery of the God Particle at CERN,” said a spokesman for IAU. “We knew it was just a matter of time before we had to put the update of the periodic table to the vote as well.”

Updating the periodic table encountered little resistance, passing almost unanimously among the IAU membership. 

Only one scientist abstained from the vote, claiming that to participate in such a democratic process would be wanton abandonment of the scientific method.  

“Science is not a democracy,’ said Professor Thomas Windset. “You just cannot put the scientific method to the vote.”

Prof. Windset also abstained from the ‘Pluto: Planet or Not?’ vote for the same reasons back in 2006.
This diagram once depicted Pluto’s peaceful orbit in our
solar system. Now it serves as a bitter reminder to its
outcast social status to current and future
susceptible and 
unsuspecting generations of judgmental stargazers.

Back then, Prof. Windset stood before the general assembly in Prague in protest.

“Pluto not a planet?! Really?!” said Prof. Windset, as he shook his head in disbelief.  “What’s next ladies and gentleman of science, updating the periodic table if and when we ever discover the so-called 'God Particle'?”

“I was being sarcastic,” explained Prof. Windset, as he recalled Neil deGrasse Tyson sitting in the front row, rubbing his chin and nodding his head in agreement. “I should’ve kept my big mouth shut.”

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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