AP “New Speak” Stylebook Advises Reporters Not to Use the Word “Riot” But Use the Word “Patriot” Instead


AP "New Speak" Stylebook editors on a break

-- Los Angeles

By Robert W. Armijo

“We believe substituting the word ‘riot’ with the word ‘patriot’ is acceptable as both words contain the word riot,” said a spokesperson for AP. 

AP went on to explain that it was merely attempting to get ahead of the history curve.

“After all,” said AP. “Today’s rioter is tomorrow’s patriot.” 

AP has provided reporters the following recommended usage of the substitution. 

For example, AP “Old Speak” Stylebook once advised reporters to use the word “riot” in the following manner.

“Today, a rioter burned down a building.”

AP “New Speak” Stylebook now advises reporters to use the word “patriot” in the following manner.

“Today, a patriot burned down a capitalist pig’s slave wage factory, liberating the remaining surviving workers not overcome by the flames, fumes and smoke.” 



Copyright© 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Punxsutawney Phil Moves Out of Biden’s Basement on News of Kamala Harris VP Pick

Day After the DNC Virtual Convention, Punxsutawney Phil
Moves Out of Democratic Presidential Candidate, Joe Biden's
-- Washington, DC

By Robert W. Armijo

In the early morning hours, to the sound of a slamming door, Punxsutawney Phil was seen walking up the stairs of Biden’s basement carrying a suitcase in each of his paws.

Standing curbside awaiting his Lyft, Punxsutawney Phil was soon surrounded by a cluster of weary eyed reporters camped outside Biden’s home in their news vans and trucks.  

“Are you leaving Joe Biden?” Asked one reporter. 

“Is that way your bags are packed?” Asked another. 

With a frown on his face, folded brow and his chin buried in his chest, Punxsutawney Phil just stood there with suitcases on the ground beside him occasionally taking a glace at his sundial wristwatch. 

Finally a reporter asked, “Does your leaving have anything to do with Biden picking Kamala Harris for his vice president?” 

Suddenly there was a flurry of photo flashes as Punxsutawney Phil slowly lifted up his chin from his chest; his jaws clinching and his eyes widening. 

The air filled with wave after wave of chirps and squeals as Punxsutawney Phil movements became so animated photographers begged him to slow down so they could take a shot. 

“Punxsutawney Phil!” Shouted a reporter. “English, please. We don’t speak Groundhog.” 

“Right,” said Punxsutawney Phil. “I forgot.”

“Tell us, Phil,” asked a reporter. “In your words, why are you leaving?” 

Punxsutawney Phil let out a deep sigh.

“Joe promised me I would be his running mate in the 2020 presidential campaign,” said Punxsutawney Phil. “And like a fool, I believed him. I wasted all this time in that basement. I saw my shadow way back in March, but I lied to him and myself, so the guy wouldn’t feel bad. After all, as a groundhog, I know firsthand what it is like to wait for the Sun to come up all Winter, Spring and, umm, Summer, just so you can see your shadow? Give me a [BLEEP] break already. You know what I regret the most? That I handed him the entire groundhog delegate vote, which was not easy. Trust me. By August we're already preparing to hibernate. Now he picks her over me?"

Just then Punxsutawney Phil’s ride pulled up. 

The driver exited the vehicle, briskly walked around the car and placed one of Punxsutawney Phil’s luggage in the trunk.

As Punxsutawney Phil opened the car door through in his other suitcase, a reporter shouted out one final question, causing the defeated groundhog to pause. 

“What will you do now, Phil?!” 

The groundhog deeply sighed again and then reached into the car, pulling out a red MAGA hat and placed it on his head before turning to face the press.

“What do you [BLEEPING] think?!” yelled out Punxsutawney Phil.

Punxsutawney Phil then got into the car and pulled away to a flood of camera flashes trailing in his wake. 

Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com

Copyright (c) 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

London Tower Beefeaters Go Vegetarian Now Officially “Beeteaters”

-- London, England

By Robert W. Armijo

Denying the change of diet had anything to with budget cuts, a spokesman for the British royal family announced the change in the menu is a result in advances in food science.

“With the introduction of ‘Beyond Meat’, the royal guards’ traditional all-beef diet no longer necessarily has to consist of bovine flesh and horse lips,” said the spokesman. 

“I don’t see the defiance,” said Beeteater, Mark Jones, while seated in the commons mess hall. “Our napkins are still red after we wipe our faces. See?”  

The elite guard, who sleep with their families behind London Tower walls, was created to protect the royal family from rogue Catholic pyrotechnic specialists and Jesuit priest disguised as French musketeers. 

“I just hope some traditions never change,” said Jones, pointing with his fork to a hand sketched poster of Guy Fawkes on yellow parchment riddled with dart holes and the caption, written in old English calligraphy, “Wanted Dead or Alive” above his head. 

Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com

Copyright © 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Covid-19 Joke #3

No football! No basketball! No baseball!
Oh, my!
By Robert W. Armijo

This covid-19 virus has really taken a turn for the worse. ESPN just announced it's merging with The History Channel. 

Copyright (c) 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? Joke #2

Q: Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

A: Because it was there. 

Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com

copyright (c) 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Q: Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? 

A: Because it saw a light and wanted to walk towards it. 

copyright (c) 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Punxsutawney Phil Appointed to Head White House Council to Reopen America

"WTF Is Going On?!"

Washington, D.C. --

By Robert W. Armijo

Overshadowed by the news of President Trump  appointing Ivanka and Jared Kushner to the White House Council to Reopen America, the mainstream media missed the other news of the  appointment of Punxsutawney Phil to head the controversial advisory body to the president. 

The White House denies the appointment of the world famous weather predicting groundhog is a political one. 

“Punxsutawney Phil has been predicting an early or late spring since 1887 by whether or not he could see or not see his shadow,” said a White House spokesman. “The president believes the groundhog’s credentials speak for themselves and are unimpeachable.”

Critics maintain, however, that the appointment had everything to do with Punxsutawney Phil declaring an early spring earlier this year on February 2. 

“By nature, the president is an optimist,” said a White House spokesman. “So it is only natural  that he would want a fellow optimist to lead the council to reopen America. After all, the decision to reopen America is just as much an art as it is a science.”

Photo(s) courtesy of Wpclipart.com

Copyright © 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Covid-19 Joke #2

Q: What's Oprah Winfrey's Social Distancing Book of the Covid-19 Month Club Pick?

A: Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Copyright © 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Kingdom of Sussex Throne Thrown into Chaos as Leaderless Countryside Somberly Awaits the Onslaught of the Literary Device of "The Fisher King " -- [♫Ton -Ton - Ton♫]

-- Sussex, UK

By Robert W. Armijo

Amidst rumors of sheep herding dogs, cows  milking themselves and locals driving on the right side of the road, resulting head-on collisions with out of towners, a number of Sussexians gather at a local pub to discuss the series of strange events since the removal of their Duke Harry from the throne by the queen.

“Hedgehogs have stopped hedging,” said Jones, born and raised in Sussex all his life. “Now they just hangout by the roadside; waiting for a car to drive by, so they can step out in front and get smashed.”

“Yes,” confirmed a fellow Sussexian, holding a pint of ale under his nose. “I have noticed that too.”

“I’ve seen them politely queue up first then one by one step out in front of cars with a glazed look in their eyes,” another Sussexian added, holding a pint of ale under his nose.

“Unless it’s a lorry,” said an out of town truck driver as he entered the pub, removing his coat and cap covered in blood, fur and tinny little hedgehog bones. “Then they rush you all at once like some kind of dance of the lemmings -- Hey, what’s up with you all suddenly driving on the wrong side of the road, I had to dodge three of you just this morning. Almost hit head-on, that I almost did. I almost did.”    

“What do you ever mean?” Jones questioned, now holding a pint of ale under his nose. “We’ve always driven that way.” 

[♫Ton - Ton - Ton♫]

To Be Continued…?


Copyright © 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Biden Gets Lost During a Friendly Game of Peek-A-Boo at the Airport

Unfortunately, Biden's attempt to entertain the child failed
as the presidential candidate suddenly vanished into thin air
right before the child's eyes. 

-- Washington, DC

By Robert W. Armijo

Joe Biden had been engaged in a game of Peek-A-Boo with a small child while waiting to disembark from his flight in South Carolina today when the 2020 presidential candidate suddenly became confused, disoriented and disappeared from the sight of his staff.  

“Peek-A-Boo,” said Biden to the small child as he held up his two hands to his face. “I see you -- Hey, where [BLEEP] did everybody go?” 

"It was weird," said the father of the small child Biden had been playing the game of Peek-A-Boo. "One second he was there and the next he was gone."  

Biden was later found by airport security sitting on an unclaimed baggage carousel. Going round and round.  

Reportedly, airport security had to tell Mr. Biden to stop putting his hands up to his face, as each time that he would, he would wonder off back to the unclaimed baggage carousel. 

Finally, after several attempts, Biden was eventually reunited with his staff.

Photo(s) courtesy of wpclipart.com

Copyright (C) 2020 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.