"I Just Thought You Were Golden Down There Too."
Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
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Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Elephants Smash Cars, Yet Make Love to a Sport-utility Vehicle (SUV)
Thai authorities now believe that the rogue band of male elephants that smashed cars at the Khao Yai National Park did so out of sexual frustration not malice, pointing to the animals’ amorous attentions expressed toward a sport-utility vehicle (SUV) encountered down the road away.
Miss Jennifer Spencer, 29, the leaseholder of the SUV, which was sexually assaulted by the pack of love struck pachyderms, had a front row seat at the time of the incident. As she found herself trapped in the vehicle during the twenty-one minute long bestial gangbang ordeal.
Advantageously, Miss Spencer still had on her seat belt when the elephants took turns mounting her SUV from behind.
“I had just pulled off to the side of the road and turned off my engine,” said the still somewhat shaken Miss Spencer to authorities.
Miss Spencer was touring the national park alone and pulled off to the side of the road to take some pictures of the unusual sight of elephants standing in the middle of the highway.
At that time Miss Spencer was unaware of the earlier violent encounter the elephants standing in the road had with previous vehicles and was only concerned with documenting the moment, while still on vacation from her job as a court stenographer back in Sydney, Australia.
Just as Miss Spencer reached for her camera, something in her rear view mirror attracted her attention.
“It was all gray,” said Miss Spencer, not realizing she was looking at the underbelly of a 15-foot tall, 16,000-pound male elephantidae Asianess (Asian elephant) that had just mounted her SUV.
Just one of the roaming Romeos cruising the national park reserve looking for a little action and that would be the first of many elephants to come.
“Then it quickly all turned black," Miss Spencer continued. "Then it quickly all turned gray again. And just as fast, it all turned black again. Then gray. Then black. Then gray. Then black. Then gray. Then…”
Park rangers had been tracking the marauding beasts for days, trying to curtail their unwanted advances toward cars, hollow tree trunks and village wells.
“The elephants were unsuccessful at their quest to procure a mate,” said a park official.
Park rangers believe the love sick male elephants had been sexually aroused by the scent of the other female Asian elephants in the national park when they smashed cars and then come upon Miss Spencer’s SUV.
Unaware as to the source of her vehicle violently being shaken, shimmered, rocked back and forth and side to side, Miss Spencer began wildly honking her car horn hoping to draw attention to her plight.
“Are you kidding me,” said a witness. “Who could miss that? An elephant [BEEP] a car. Trust me. She didn’t have to honk her horn to draw any attention to herself. Everybody knew what was happening. We just couldn’t believe our eyes.”
Moreover, Miss Spencer’s horn honking did not yield the desired results she had hoped for and instead lead to an unintended consequence, as the honking only seemed to further excite the bull elephants into a frenzy.
“They didn’t get scared or run away,” said a witness. “In fact, they all started [BLEEP] the car faster and faster.”
The other male elephants standing around waiting for their turn apparently became inpatient, as they then began to mount each other.
“At first we all thought they were doing that circus trick,” said a witness. “You know the one where they all line up behind each other and place their front legs on the rear end of the elephant in front of them. Only they weren’t doing that. They were doing, umm, the other thing.”
Meanwhile, inside the vehicle, due to the violent motion, Miss Spencer suddenly and predictably stopped honking the horn.
“She went unconscious,” said a witness.
Concerned for Miss Spencer’s safety, a number of witnesses took it upon themselves at great risk to their own lives to distract the bull elephants, hoping to approach the vehicle in an attempted rescue.
“We yelled and shouted at the elephants,” said a Good Samaritan. “But they just wouldn’t stop humping the Humvee. Or each other for that matter.”
Would-be rescuers jumped up and down, waving their shirts and arms in the air.
However, the elephants seemed single-minded, intent on completing their task.
According to some witnesses, the sport-utility vehicle seemed to get into it as well.
“I swear the vehicle was enjoying it too,” said another witness, claiming that both the elephants and the SUV climaxed at the same time.
“The elephants all bellowed together as the car alarm went off,” said yet another witness.
“That’s when I must have woken up,” said Miss Spencer.
Miss Spencer was unharmed in the incident.
"Fortunately for the victim, the air bags of the vehicle deployed, which acted as a pillow preventing serious injuries to her head," said police.
Miss Spencer found herself clutching a depleted air bag, her facial make-up, mascara and lipstick smudged allover it.
“Damages sustained to the vehicle were surprisingly minimal and localized,” read the police incident report.
“I’ll need a new tailpipe for sure,” said Miss Spencer. “And of course, I’ll have to have the car washed and thoroughly cleaned. Although to tell the truth, I don’t think I’ll ever get that smell out. Not to mention the stains.”
There were other SUVs on the road that day, which left many wondering why the elephants chose the particular make and model of the vehicle they did.
“It could’ve been the new mango scented air fresher I just got,” speculated Miss Spencer. “But I guess. Really, in the end, the elephants just wanted a Hummer.”
Since the vehicle was leased, Miss Spencer was fully indemnified for any losses incurred.
“I’m so glad I didn’t go with the one that featured the sunroof,” said Miss Spencer, continuing to count her blessings. "And not only because it cost more either."
Miss Spencer claims she is no worse for the wear. Even having gained a little wisdom from the experience.
“Now I know the answer to that age-old Asian proverb,” said Miss Spencer. “You know the one. The one that asks the question, ‘What’s big, gray and comes in quarts?’ Well, now I know: it’s an elephant!”
Russell Brand and Katy Perry Breakup Joke # 2
Denying that she has been distracted by her breakup with Russell Brand, Katy Perry recently took to the stage performing one of her major hits, against better judgement .Katy Perry began singing her controversial hit 'I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It' when suddenly something dashed out in front of her, momentarily breaking her concentration:
“♪ I Kissed a -- SQUIRREL!!!”
Katy Perry sang, as a furry creature scurried and nestled between her feet.
Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Russell Brand and Katy Perry Breakup Joke # 1
Russell Brand has vowed revenge suspicious of Katy Perry’s timely release of her breakup song “Part of Me”, which he believes is about him despite her denials. He is rumored to be on the verge of releasing an alternate parody song of his own about their love gone wrong. He is calling it: “Fart at Me”Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Paparazzi Captures Bruce Willis’ Kutcher Man Crush on Camera -- Demi Devastated!!!
Hollywood, California –Maybe there is some truth to that old joke about a man complaining to his bartender that his best friend just ran off with his wife…and he misses him. Or maybe it is just a case of déjà vu.
That is because Bruce Willis has just changed residence again. However, this time instead of moving into a house directly across the street from his ex-wife, Demi Moore, he has moved into a house across the street from Ashton Kutcher’s new home.
“Just like he did when Demi dumped him for Ashton,” said a member of the paparazzi staked out in front of the Kutcher residence, waiting for an opportunity to take a picture for the tabloids. “But back then, Bruce said it was so he could be close to his kids. I can hardly wait to hear his excuse now.”
A friend close to Bruce says he has “definitely developed a man crush” on Ashton, though he fears to confront it.
Perhaps believing it will send him into a deep homosexual panic.
“Bruce is beside himself,” continued the female friend with a deep raspy smoker’s voice, asking not to be identified. “And believe me, Demi is not too happy either.”
It appears that Demi Moore went into an outrage when she discovered Bruce followed Ashton to his new home.
“She walked across the street from her house to Bruce’s,” said the friend. “You know, just to get a hug.”
However, all Demi found was moving men packing Bruce’s furniture into the backend of a truck.
“I guess she thought all this time that he was really there for her,” said the friend as she began to cry. “You know, waiting for her to come back to him.”
“It was a real ego boost to Demi. I can tell you that,” said another paparazzo, who along with the others have been documenting the love triangle over the years with their cameras. “I got pictures of her gloating in the review mirror of her car.”
Looking back at Bruce’s house across the street from hers, while she waited with Ashton for the security gate to open up.
“He would be peeking through the curtains at her,” the friend reminisced with great fondness.
“It was a little creepy if you ask me,” commented a paparazzo.
All the while Bruce watched the love of his life, the mother to his children making out with a man half his age in a driveway just across the street a stone’s throw way.
“But way out of reach for him,” continued the now sobbing friend. “Or so she thought, as she foolishly sat in an idling car with her hot young Hollywood producer lover, running her fingers through his full head of silken hair. As her ex-husband, father of her children watched…How stupid could she be, thinking it could last.”
“I got pictures of that too,” said a paparazzo. “We all do.”
However, none of paparazzi had the heart to publish them. Seeing that all had been married and divorced themselves at one time or another. Some more than once, still others more than twice.
“Bruce looked so pitiful. Just standing there, watching his ex-wife from behind those curtains,” said a paparazzo. “A real broken guy, if you ever saw one.”
“I guess you got to be a guy to understand,” said another paparazzo.
“So you see,” said yet another paparazzo. “We’re not the coldhearted money grabbing bastards movie stars and the mainstream media makes us out to be.”
“We’re capable of relating on a personal level,” said another paparazzo. “Not just a professional one.”
“Yeah,” said another paparazzo with a tough New York accent. “We got hearts too, you know.”
Just then Ashton Kutcher, driving a red convertible Mercedes-Benz, pulled into the driveway across the street from Bruce Willis’ new residence.
“Looking back,” continued one paparazzo from behind a camera lens, as he began snapping away photos of Bruce Willis peeking through the curtains like before. “I guess it was a good thing we didn’t publish those photos.”
“Yeah,” added the paparazzo from New York, also busy taking pictures. “Having a heart really does pay off, because now those man crush pictures, along with these man crush pictures are going to make us a fortune.”
Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Demi Divorces Ashton Over His Love Affair with…Twitter?! Ashton Responds Via Twitter
Hollywood, California –According to divorce papers filed by Demi Moore against her husband several years her junior, Ashton Kutcher was having a Twitter love affair. Not with another woman on Twitter, however, but with IT (Information Technology). That is to say with the latest of today’s social networking and microblogging devices itself.
Not to break with new tradition, however, Ashton Kutcher replied to Demi Moore’s divorce decree allegations via his Twitter account.
“Mr. Kutcher became increasingly emotionally detached,” Demi Moore said at a press conference, as she began reading a copy of her filed court pleadings. “Choosing to spend more time Tweeting his millions of fans than with me.”
Ashton Tweeted: “That’s BS, man. Just wrong. I spent time with – Wait, excuse me. I just got to answer this Tweet.”
Demi Moore cited irreconcilable differences and alienation of affection as the cause for petitioning the court for a divorce.
Ashton Tweeted: “Typical chick move. Obsessed with planning the perfect wedding and the first one’s to file for divorce.”
Reportedly, Demi caught Ashton Tweeting at all times during the day and night.
Ashton Tweeted: “Come on, man. Cut me some slack here. It was only that once. Obama just won the election.”
“He just wouldn’t put it down,” said a desperate Demi Moore, claiming Ashton would Tweet at every opportunity possible.
Ashton Tweeted: “Oh yeah, I remember now. I was supposed to be shaving her hairy mole, lancing her boils and chucking the corns on her feet. EXCUSE MEEE!”
Allegedly, Ashton was caught Tweeting, even while making love to Demi.
Ashton Tweeted: “I guess you could say that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Like as in her Joe Camel 2-packs-a-day cigarette sounding voice.”
“When we were intimate,” Demi Moore said subtlety, as she delicately broached a sensitive subject. “Ashton would rest his BlackBerry on the small of my back.”
Ashton Tweeted: “Yeah, and when I got a Tweet, I said to her, ‘Sorry, honey. I just got to take this booty call.’ LOL.”
Demi Moore claims that she begged her husband to enter rehab, but he refused. Insisting he did not have a problem.
Ashton Tweeted: “Why should I? I’m not the one having trouble embracing the twenty-first century.”
Eventually, as is the case with all troubled relationships, communication between the two all but stopped.
Ashton Tweeted: “Yeah, she removed the batteries from her BlackBerry and started using them in other electronic devices.”
“In the end, he refused to talk to me,” said Demi Moore. “I grew tired of coming home to what had essentially become a big empty house.”
Ashton Tweeted: “That’s not true. I Tweeted her all the time from all over the place: the kitchen, the living room, the bathroom and even the bedroom.”
Demi Moore said she found it difficult to properly express herself in 140 characters or less, as Ashton demanded of her.
“Call me old fashion,” said a tearful Demi Moore. “But I need an occasional handwritten love letter. Something tactile that you can hold in your hands, and clutch to your heart.”
Ashton Tweeted: “Handwritten love letter? Try a clay tablet with hieroglyphics.”
A somber Demi Moore concluded by saying, “I guess social networking and microblogging was the one generation gap we just couldn’t fill.”
Ironically, Ashton simultaneously Tweeted the same thing:
Ashton Tweeted: “I guess social networking and microblogging was the one generation gap we just couldn’t fill.”
Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
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