Showing posts with label Romance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Romance. Show all posts

"Glitter Booty" Helps Wife Catch Cheating Hubby


Hollywood, California --

By Robert W. Armijo

“I had suspected that my husband was cheating on me with his secretary for years,” said Mrs. Andersen. “But I never could find the proof.”

Mrs. Andersen said her husband would deny having an affair every time she confronted him with the accusation; until one day, while taking a shower, she discovered something sparkly running down her legs and down the drain.

“What’s this?” Mrs. Andersen thought to herself, as she held out her index finger with a cluster of purple glitter booty on the tip of it.

Suddenly, Mrs. Andersen’s eyes grew wider, as if she had an epiphany.

Mrs. Andersen immediately dropped her towel, sat down on the toilet and reached for a hand held mirror.

She paused a moment and took a deep breath before taking a look.

“I screamed so loud, my neighbor came knocking on my front door, asking if I was alright,” said Mrs. Andersen.

Mrs. Andersen is not the only wife to discover with the help of glitter booty  that their husband was cheating on them.

Mrs. Chapmen also discovered with the help of glitter booty that her husband was cheating on her as well.

“Every time I’d confront him, he would deny it,” said Mrs. Chapmen. “Even telling me it was my period talking.”

However, one evening, after sharing an intimate moment with her husband, Mrs. Chapmen got up to brush her teeth.

As Mrs. Chapmen reached for her toothbrush, she looked up into the bathroom mirror and noticed a ring of glitter booty all round her mouth.

“I said, ‘What the BLEEP is this?’” said Mrs. Chapmen.

Suddenly, Mrs. Chapmen’s eyes widened as well, as if she too had an epiphany.

Mrs. Chapmen also screamed so loud that her neighbor came knocking on her front door, asking her if she was alright.


Copyright © 2018 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.


Top 10 Ways to Look Better Naked for Body Image Self-conscious Women

By Robert W. Armijo

By nature, men are visceral. 


So as visually stimulated creatures, they do not even need to see a woman naked to get sexually aroused (seemingly a contradiction). 



So, as a woman, you are in an intimate relationship with a man, denying him from seeing you naked is unrealistic and potentially costly – Eventually emotionally at first and potentially financially second.  



Still, you are self-conscious of your body. You are convinced that if he sees you naked, he’ll bolt for the door and never come back. 



So you resort to the standard most common practice to hide your body: You reach for the light switch and turn it off. 



A simple and eloquent solution for sure. 



Only the light may not be the only thing you’re turning off in the bedroom. 



Still, you’re in a committed relationship and what’s he gonna do? 



(Please note: Now is the time to read between the lines i.e. subtext: Cheat on you and/or leave you) 



However, what if you are in a new relationship or care enough to keep the spark alive to maintain the status quo of that “so-called” now seriously called into question committed relationship? 



Not letting him see you naked over time will only draw his suspicion or worst yet, curiosity. 



Besides, reaching for the light switch will only result in temporally delaying the inevitable. Be it the inevitable reveal or inevitable breakup. 



Still, you insist: If he sees you naked, he’ll (again) bolt for the door and never ever come back. 



So what can you do? 



Well, here are a few suggestions you may want to act upon that will keep you covered, while you’re under the covers without him suspecting a thing; or especially make him curious. 



(Warning: Although the following suggestions are incredibly deceitful by nature, they will cover your nakedness and keep him at bay. At least for in the now...)


-----

10)    Tell your lover you want to try something kinky in the bedroom tonight. So that way you can blindfold him without him suspecting your real motive: hiding your naked body from his prying eyes. 


(Note: Make sure the blindfold is 100 percent effective by testing it out on yourself first. With all the lights on, be sure to stand into of a full body mirror naked.)



9)     Turn off the bedroom lights and turn on the strobe light, laser light show and kerosene fog machine. He’ll be so distracted and delightfully entertained at the same time, he won’t even notice you – naked or not.



(Note: The use of a kerosene fog machine during any sexual encounter only enhances the experience. Not only because the fog generated is nearly foolproof at masking cardinal imperfections but because it lends any bedroom that Bela Lugosi ambiance, heightening the senses;)    



8) Wear a Spanx full-body suit over your birthday suit. Or try some fishnet stockings. They’re always a good way to hook a man, even though you’ll be the catch of the day. Just be sure to inject a little dirty talk. Lean into him and whisper softly and slowly into his ear: “It may smell like fish, but I promise it tastes like chicken.” Or “Go ahead. Dive in face first. I’m mercury free, baby.” Or “Welcome to the ‘All-You-Can-Eat’ Discount Sushi Bar’.”



Continuing with the previous above aforementioned food theme sexual exploits:



7)    Mixing food with sex is growing in popularity now days. So, try covering the more venerable areas of your body with some delicious food product. Like whipped cream, honey or a large pepperoni pizza. However, first check with your local pizzeria as pizza sizes are not standardized and very widely. After all, you want to make sure they got a pizza large enough to cover up your trouble spots.



(Warning: Be prepared: You may have to order an extra large. Oh, and don’t forget to tip the deliveryman.) 



6)    Set off a bug bomb in the bedroom and tell him it’s just some new scented candle you’re trying out.  The fog from the bug bomb will have a dual negative effect on him: Obscure his vision and impair his judgement. No doubt, the ingestion of the highly toxic chemicals will cause him to hallucinate so he won’t even notice, or more likely remember, the gas mask you’ll be wearing – And that’s just the start. You Go Girl! 



(Safety Tip: Be sure no lit candles are in the room as the chemicals in the bug bomb are highly flammable and as the name of the device advertises, explosive.)



5) Enter the bedroom wearing one of those tacky T-shirts the kind with a perfect headless bikini body printed on the front and back. Be sure to ham it up a bit by pausing along the way to le lit (the bed) by making cheesecake poses before slipping under the covers. Be sure to remove the T-shirt only after you’re securely under them. That not ensures that your body is continuously covered but it adds an element of consistency through continuity canceling his curiosity. 



(Editors Note: He’ll be so taken aback by your playfulness and sense of humor, he’ll think not seeing you naked is all part of the act. No arousing suspicion. No arousing curiosity. Just pure unadulterated arousal.) 



Building on the previous above aforementioned bikini theme sexual exploits:



4) Use body paint like those Sports Illustrated models. Except paint on his favorite Sports Illustrated swim magazine cover on your body. You’ll have him feeling like he’s all alone in the bathroom so much so that he’ll be reaching for the tissue paper in no time. 



(Word of Caution: Due to the recent marketing practices of Sports Illustrated publishing multiple covers for the same annual issue by using different swim suit models, be sure you properly research which SI cover is actually his favorite first. Or you’ll be the one reaching for the tissue paper:(…



3) Going on all four plus. Now, the going on all four plus is not just alluding to you assuming the missionary position. The plus actually involves you – dressing up as a dog -- braking like a dog, wagging your tail and fetching a so-called “bone”.



(Cautionary Word: Be sure to use only non-toxic body paint on the “bone”. Some women had to be hospitalized after using liquid paper as a cheaper substitute. In addition, he may be allergic to fur. So use only hypoallergenic fur or synthetic fibers in your doggy costume. Of course, be sure to use knee pads if you expect your encounter will be an extended one or if he’s using Viagra. Remember, if his “boner” lasts longer than four hours, be sure to call a friend. You may need the extra help bring him down.)

  
2)    For this one, he’ll be thinking of another “woman” while he’s making love to you, which would normally make you angry. But if you’re really desperate to hid your naked body from him, you got to be willing to make a few sacrifices. First, purchase a black straight-hair wig and a black light -- the kind that makes florescent paint glow in the dark like in those psychedelic posters from the 1960's. Second, paint up your imperfect naked body like Olivia Wilde’s isomorphic algorithm (ISO) character Quorra from the Tron: Legacy movie. Third, flick on the black light and the rest is history.  


(Footnote: Take a step back. You should probably rent the Tron: Legacy movie first. Preferably watching it the night before. He mostly likely has already seen it several times before, so it’s really just research for you. That way, you know exactly what kind of black wig to buy and practice how to paint up your body just like Quorra’s tight fitting somewhat luminescent cycle suit. If it’s any consolation, he’s not emotionally cheating on you with a real woman but a completely fictions ISO – Come to think of it. That might not actually make you feel better but make you feel much more worse. Sorry:( 



1)    Finally – and this goes back to the beginning, bringing us full-circle -- be honest with him. However, before disrobing, prepare him by prefacing him first. Remind him that like in that John Mayer song about a woman’s body being a “wonderland”. A woman’s body is in fact like a “wonderland”. And that he should brace himself for reality; because sometimes that means, like with all amusement parks, some of the rides have to be shutdown from time to time for maintenance and repair, during your visit. And that the rides once reopened -- revisited upon years later -- may not be as thrilling as one remembers, due to repeated use or over use of those facilities. 



(Note: The use of the phrases “repeated use” and “over use” are no accident. Their use subtly faults him for your body’s imperfections in a passive aggressive manner. But don’t you feel guilty, girl. Because it’s probably true. Particularly if you stuck with him this long without a ring around your finger; or especially true if you‘ve born his children. Also, it helps to actually have that John Mayer wonderland song playing in the background during your little heart warming speech. It helps set the mood. Grant you, it’s no kerosene fog machine. But then again, what is?) 



1.1)    Bonus: Buy a rubber Japanese Sumo wrestler suit and wear it around the house for about a week. By the time you take it off, he’s will have been acclimated to the suit so much so that when he sees your body, he’ll consider himself lucky and finally embrace you and all your imperfections.   


(Warming: Some women have experienced weight loss due to wearing the suit, because of the heat generated while wearing it and having to carry the additional weight. However, to the horror of some women, they discovered that their men have lost total interest in them in the bedroom. 



“He wouldn’t touch me unless I was in the suit,” reported one woman.



“He made me not only gain back all the weight I lost,” said another woman. “He made me put on more. Now I don’t even need the suit anymore.”



According to these antidotes, it would appear that wearing the Sumo wrestler suit has the unforeseen consequences. It turns some men into what is unfalteringly referred to as a “fatty”-- That is a man that is sexually attracted to so-called "Plus Sized" women. 

   
“I was finally at my ideal weight,” said Mrs. Anderson, who lost weight by wearing the suit only to have to gain it back in a bid to save her marriage. “I was finally conformable with my body being naked. I was a knock out. But he wasn’t sexually aroused any more.”


Mrs. Anderson then gained back all the weight she lost and even put on several more pounds just to be sure. 



“Now he’s all over me again,” said Mrs. Anderson. “Like hot butter on a lobster. Which reminds me, I left something boiling on the stove.”:)


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.


Martha Stewart’s Guide to ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ on a Budget Tip #1: How to Turn Everyday Ordinary Household Items into Wanting Ravaging Sex Toys



Martha Stewart Get Fifty Shades of Kinky 
 Long Island, New York --

“A national retail chain has decided to sell various sex toys inspired by the book and movie Fifty Shades of Grey,” said Martha Stewart on her TV show, as she walked over to a table covered by a black velvet cloth. “However, I’m here to show you how you can accomplish the same thing, using everyday ordinary household items.”

Standing before the covered table, Martha Stewart continued.

“With a little imagination,” said Martha Stewart. “You can bring your lover into the sexual submission of your choice and all under budget too.”

Martha Stewart then pulled back the black velvet shroud, reviling a pair of handcuffs. 

“Now you may think only a pair of stainless steel handcuffs can restrain your lover,” said Martha Stewart. “However, you would be wrong.”

Martha Stewart then pulled back the cloth a little more, reviling some clear plastic zip ties.

“Why use stainless steel? I always say,” said Martha Stewart. “When plastic will just as easily do the trick?” 

“Not only that,” Martha Stewart continued. “They come in all kinds of colors too.” 

Martha Stewart then pulled out a number of zip ties in various colors.

“With this amount of colors available,” said Martha Stewart. “Not only will you be releasing your inner demon to dominate your lover but the color scheme to match anything your sexually deviant imagination can come up with as well.” 

“Now let’s move on to power tools,” said Martha Stewart, pulling out an electric drill. 

“Remember, safety comes first,” said Martha Stewart, pausing a moment. “And by that I mean it is very important that you and your lover have selected a safety word before proceeding.” 

Martha Stewart then demonstrated on a blowup sex doll, how to properly engage in consensual recreational sex using a high voltage power tool. 

“Remember, what comes first?” said Martha Stewart as she paused, cueing the studio audience. 

“SAFETY!” came the collective reply.

“That’s right,” said Martha Stewart as she reached under the table and pulled out a pair of goggles. 

“A pair of these not only protects your eyes from any debris,” said Martha Stewart. “But any bodily fluids as well.”   

The studio audience cringed as Martha Stewart proceeded with the demonstration on the blowup sex doll. 

Afterwards, Martha Stewart removed her protective eyewear, as she addressed the studio audience. 


“Next time,” said Martha Stewart. “I’ll show you how to make a gag ball, using only this tennis ball, knitting needle and some discarded yarn.”










Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of: wpclipart.com

'Fifty Shades of Grey' and The American Dental Association (ADA) Joke #1

ADA Warning:
Gag Balls May Lead to Gingivitis, Tooth Decay and Bad Breath

Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com

Naughty Teddy’s Last Message of Love for Saint Valentine’s Day -- He’s Cute and Just as Disgusting Too

“V…

Is for Valentine.

V…

Is Also for [CENSORED]” 


Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com



Naughty Teddy’s Saint Valentine’s Day Text -- He’s Cute and Just as Disgusting Too

"You Know What Day It Is Today???

[U-NO WHAT DAY IT IS 2-DAY???]

Valentine’s Day!!!

[VD-DAY!!!]

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

[☺VD-DAY!!!]"


Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com


Naughty Teddy for Saint Valentine’s Day #13 -- He’s Cute and Just as Disgusting Too

"I'm So Sorry. It's Just That I Forgot the Safety Word."

Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com


Naughty Teddy for Saint Valentine’s Day #12 -- He’s Cute and Just as Disgusting Too

"You May Color Me the Fifty-First Shade of Gay. I Mean Grey...Gray. Yup, Grey. For Sure, Gray -- And by That, I Mean I'm Neither Gay or Straight. But I’m Half Bi-Polar Bear."


Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com


Naughty Teddy for Saint Valentine’s Day #11 -- He’s Cute and Just as Disgusting Too

"Okay, okay. I'll Give You a Ring…
What's Your Phone Number Again?"

Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com


Naughty Teddy for Saint Valentine’s Day #10 -- He’s Cute and Just as Disgusting Too


“It’s Not That You’re Too Old for Me. It’s Just That I Don’t Believe in Interspecies Dating.”


Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com


Naughty Teddy for Saint Valentine’s Day #9 -- He’s Cute and Just as Disgusting Too

“Oh Sure, All Heart Shaped Boxes of Chocolate Look Like a Heart When You Hold It Like That. But What If You Hold It Upside Down? What Does It Look Like Then, Huh?”

Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com


Naughty Teddy for Saint Valentine’s Day #8 -- He’s Cute and Just as Disgusting Too

“I Just Want to [BLEEP] the Stuffing Out of You!”


Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com


Naughty Teddy for Saint Valentine’s Day #7 -- He’s Cute and Just as Disgusting Too

“What Do You Mean the Candles are Just for Burning?”

Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com

Naughty Teddy for Saint Valentine’s Day #6 -- He’s Cute and Just as Disgusting Too

“Wait, wait. What? So That Wasn’t Your Honey Pot?!”

Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com

Naughty Teddy for Saint Valentine’s Day #5 -- He’s Cute and Just as Disgusting Too

“Okay, okay, I Admit It. Once, I Went Down on a Panda. But You Know What? An Hour Later, I Was Hungry Again.”

Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com

Naughty Teddy for Saint Valentine’s Day #4 -- He’s Cute and Just as Disgusting Too

"I Hear It’s Good for Your Face. Like an All-Natural Moisturizer Or Something."

Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com

Naughty Teddy for Saint Valentine’s Day #3 -- He’s Cute and Just as Disgusting Too

“The Doctor Said to Go to the Hospital if It Lasts Longer Than Four Hours, But I Say We Call Up One of Your Girlfriends Instead.”

Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com


Naughty Teddy for Saint Valentine’s Day #2 -- He’s Cute and Just as Disgusting Too


"I Know That's Not Where Babies come from. 

But I Just Wanted to Try Something New."


Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com


Naughty Teddy for Saint Valentine’s Day -- He’s So Cute and Just as Disgusting Too

"I Just Thought You Were Golden Down There Too."


Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com


Elephants Smash Cars, Yet Make Love to a Sport-utility Vehicle (SUV)

Bangkok, Thailand --

Thai authorities now believe that the rogue band of male elephants that smashed cars at the Khao Yai National Park did so out of sexual frustration not malice, pointing to the animals’ amorous attentions expressed toward a sport-utility vehicle (SUV) encountered down the road away.  

Miss Jennifer Spencer, 29, the leaseholder of the SUV, which was sexually assaulted by the pack of love struck pachyderms, had a front row seat at the time of the incident. As she found herself trapped in the vehicle during the twenty-one minute long bestial gangbang ordeal.

Advantageously, Miss Spencer still had on her seat belt when the elephants took turns mounting her SUV from behind.

“I had just pulled off to the side of the road and turned off my engine,” said the still somewhat shaken Miss Spencer to authorities.

Miss Spencer was touring the national park alone and pulled off to the side of the road to take some pictures of the unusual sight of elephants standing in the middle of the highway. 

At that time Miss Spencer was unaware of the earlier violent encounter the elephants standing in the road had with previous vehicles and was only concerned with documenting the moment, while still on vacation from her job as a court stenographer back in Sydney, Australia.  

Just as Miss Spencer reached for her camera, something in her rear view mirror attracted her attention.

“It was all gray,” said Miss Spencer, not realizing she was looking at the underbelly of a 15-foot tall, 16,000-pound male elephantidae Asianess (Asian elephant) that had just mounted her SUV. 

Just one of the roaming Romeos cruising the national park reserve looking for a little action and that would be the first of many elephants to come. 

“Then it quickly all turned black," Miss Spencer continued. "Then it quickly all turned gray again. And just as fast, it all turned black again. Then gray. Then black. Then gray. Then black. Then gray. Then…”

Park rangers had been tracking the marauding beasts for days, trying to curtail their unwanted advances toward cars, hollow tree trunks and village wells.

“The elephants were unsuccessful at their quest to procure a mate,” said a park official. 

Park rangers believe the love sick male elephants had been sexually aroused by the scent of the other female Asian elephants in the national park when they smashed cars and then come upon Miss Spencer’s SUV.  

Unaware as to the source of her vehicle violently being shaken, shimmered, rocked back and forth and side to side, Miss Spencer began wildly honking her car horn hoping to draw attention to her plight. 

“Are you kidding me,” said a witness. “Who could miss that? An elephant [BEEP] a car. Trust me. She didn’t have to honk her horn to draw any attention to herself. Everybody knew what was happening. We just couldn’t believe our eyes.”

Moreover, Miss Spencer’s horn honking did not yield the desired results she had hoped for and instead lead to an unintended consequence, as the honking only seemed to further excite the bull elephants into a frenzy. 

“They didn’t get scared or run away,” said a witness. “In fact, they all started [BLEEP] the car faster and faster.”

The other male elephants standing around waiting for their turn apparently became inpatient, as they then began to mount each other.

“At first we all thought they were doing that circus trick,” said a witness. “You know the one where they all line up behind each other and place their front legs on the rear end of the elephant in front of them. Only they weren’t doing that. They were doing, umm, the other thing.”  

Meanwhile, inside the vehicle, due to the violent motion, Miss Spencer suddenly and predictably stopped honking the horn.

“She went unconscious,” said a witness.

Concerned for Miss Spencer’s safety, a number of witnesses took it upon themselves at great risk to their own lives to distract the bull elephants, hoping to approach the vehicle in an attempted rescue.  

“We yelled and shouted at the elephants,” said a Good Samaritan. “But they just wouldn’t stop humping the Humvee. Or each other for that matter.”

Would-be rescuers jumped up and down, waving their shirts and arms in the air. 

However, the elephants seemed single-minded, intent on completing their task.

According to some witnesses, the sport-utility vehicle seemed to get into it as well.

“I swear the vehicle was enjoying it too,” said another witness, claiming that both the elephants and the SUV climaxed at the same time. 

“The elephants all bellowed together as the car alarm went off,” said yet another witness.

“That’s when I must have woken up,” said Miss Spencer. 

Miss Spencer was unharmed in the incident.

"Fortunately for the victim, the air bags of the vehicle deployed, which acted as a pillow preventing serious injuries to her head," said police. 

Miss Spencer found herself clutching a depleted air bag, her facial make-up, mascara and lipstick smudged allover it.  

“Damages sustained to the vehicle were surprisingly minimal and localized,” read the police incident report. 

“I’ll need a new tailpipe for sure,” said Miss Spencer. “And of course, I’ll have to have the car washed and thoroughly cleaned. Although to tell the truth, I don’t think I’ll ever get that smell out. Not to mention the stains.”  

There were other SUVs on the road that day, which left many wondering why the elephants chose the particular make and model of the vehicle they did.

“It could’ve been the new mango scented air fresher I just got,” speculated Miss Spencer. “But I guess. Really, in the end, the elephants just wanted a Hummer.”

Since the vehicle was leased, Miss Spencer was fully indemnified for any losses incurred. 

“I’m so glad I didn’t go with the one that featured the sunroof,” said Miss Spencer, continuing to count her blessings. "And not only because it cost more either." 

Miss Spencer claims she is no worse for the wear. Even having gained a little wisdom from the experience. 

“Now I know the answer to that age-old Asian proverb,” said Miss Spencer. “You know the one. The one that asks the question, ‘What’s big, gray and comes in quarts?’ Well, now I know: it’s an elephant!”


Copyright © 2008-2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo courtesy of: wpclipart.com