Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts

New Study Reveals Why Tall, Attractive and Hygienic People Get Paid And Get [BLEEP] More Than You Do

By Robert W. Armijo

Previous researchers have proven a bias exists among employers when it comes to hiring, keeping and compensating employees that are taller, attractive and more hygienic than most average height obtaining, plain looking and odor challenged employees.

The presumption, based on a substantial body of previous scientific studies, was that it is simply because they are…well, taller, attractive and more hygienic than the rest of us.

Until now, that is.

“When I see a tall, good looking and well groomed guy walk into my office asking me for a job, the first thing that pops into my head is ‘Oh boy, how much is this going to cost me,” said Vinny Patron, a research participant and CEO of Patron’s Fine Italian Suits for Men (headquartered in New Jersey). “But you know what? It’s always worth it in the end. Whatever it costs me. It’s always worth it.”

By contrast Mr. Vinny Patron says that when an overweight, unattractive and unshaven man walks into his office, asking him for a job, he has the opposite reaction.

“First thing that pops into my head?” Mr. Vinny Patron, asked rhetorically. “‘What? Are you kidding me, pal? You’re gonna’ have to pay me, if you want to work here.”

A careful analysis of the data indicates that employer bias is not solely based on the human sexual response to tall, attractive and more hygienic people, as previous studies concluded, but rather on economic considerations as well.

“You know what the second thing that pops into my head,” continued Mr. Vinny Patron. “When I see a job candidate that is tall, attractive and more hygienic, I says to myself, I says, ‘Is this guy for real, or what? Nobody looks that good. Nobody smells that good. I mean not naturally, anyways. He must be spending a fortune on the gym membership, private trainers, augmentation surgeries, veneers and potpourri.’ Now that [BLEEP] is [BLEEP] expensive. I’m talking the imported stuff. Not this domestic crap they try to pass off to me as potpourri, either. But the good stuff. The best.”

Again, by contrast, Mr. Vinny Patron says he has the opposite reaction when he interviews an overweight, unattractive and unshaven man.

“I says to myself, I says,” said Mr. Vinny Patron. “‘Check this out. Look at how much this guy wants? Yeah right. Are you kidding me? So what? So ah. So you can spend it all on fast-food, pal? Because you’re sure not spending on razors, toothpaste or underarm deodorant. That’s for sure.”

The economic component at the conclusion of the study was a surprise to the researchers, at first. However, they claim it all makes sense now, somehow.

“I always thought my sister, who was voted the homecoming queen, while I had to earn my valedictorian academia status got all the breaks in life simply because of her predisposed genetic propensity to physical aesthetic appeal,” shared Sheryl Seymour, head researcher of the study. “But as it turns out, mom was right all along. All I needed to do was wear a pair of high heel shoes, put on some makeup or simply have shaved my armpits -- Possibly even just plucked my eyebrows. And I could’ve had my sister’s life. I could’ve gotten married. Had a husband. And had some kids by now. Oh my God. I could’ve had kids! Instead, all got this dumb white lab coat, these freakishly looking black framed eyeglasses and those stupid lab rats. I hate lab rats! Why are they always dying on me?!”

Copyright © 2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Paparazzi Captures Bruce Willis’ Kutcher Man Crush on Camera -- Demi Devastated!!!

Hollywood, California –

Maybe there is some truth to that old joke about a man complaining to his bartender that his best friend just ran off with his wife…and he misses him. Or maybe it is just a case of déjà vu.

That is because Bruce Willis has just changed residence again. However, this time instead of moving into a house directly across the street from his ex-wife, Demi Moore, he has moved into a house across the street from Ashton Kutcher’s new home.

“Just like he did when Demi dumped him for Ashton,” said a member of the paparazzi staked out in front of the Kutcher residence, waiting for an opportunity to take a picture for the tabloids. “But back then, Bruce said it was so he could be close to his kids. I can hardly wait to hear his excuse now.”

A friend close to Bruce says he has “definitely developed a man crush” on Ashton, though he fears to confront it.

Perhaps believing it will send him into a deep homosexual panic.

“Bruce is beside himself,” continued the female friend with a deep raspy smoker’s voice, asking not to be identified. “And believe me, Demi is not too happy either.”

It appears that Demi Moore went into an outrage when she discovered Bruce followed Ashton to his new home.

“She walked across the street from her house to Bruce’s,” said the friend. “You know, just to get a hug.”

However, all Demi found was moving men packing Bruce’s furniture into the backend of a truck.

“I guess she thought all this time that he was really there for her,” said the friend as she began to cry. “You know, waiting for her to come back to him.”

“It was a real ego boost to Demi. I can tell you that,” said another paparazzo, who along with the others have been documenting the love triangle over the years with their cameras. “I got pictures of her gloating in the review mirror of her car.”

Looking back at Bruce’s house across the street from hers, while she waited with Ashton for the security gate to open up.

“He would be peeking through the curtains at her,” the friend reminisced with great fondness.

“It was a little creepy if you ask me,” commented a paparazzo.

All the while Bruce watched the love of his life, the mother to his children making out with a man half his age in a driveway just across the street a stone’s throw way.

“But way out of reach for him,” continued the now sobbing friend. “Or so she thought, as she foolishly sat in an idling car with her hot young Hollywood producer lover, running her fingers through his full head of silken hair. As her ex-husband, father of her children watched…How stupid could she be, thinking it could last.”

“I got pictures of that too,” said a paparazzo. “We all do.”

However, none of paparazzi had the heart to publish them. Seeing that all had been married and divorced themselves at one time or another. Some more than once, still others more than twice.

“Bruce looked so pitiful. Just standing there, watching his ex-wife from behind those curtains,” said a paparazzo. “A real broken guy, if you ever saw one.”

“I guess you got to be a guy to understand,” said another paparazzo.

“So you see,” said yet another paparazzo. “We’re not the coldhearted money grabbing bastards movie stars and the mainstream media makes us out to be.”

“We’re capable of relating on a personal level,” said another paparazzo. “Not just a professional one.”

“Yeah,” said another paparazzo with a tough New York accent. “We got hearts too, you know.”

Just then Ashton Kutcher, driving a red convertible Mercedes-Benz, pulled into the driveway across the street from Bruce Willis’ new residence.

“Looking back,” continued one paparazzo from behind a camera lens, as he began snapping away photos of Bruce Willis peeking through the curtains like before. “I guess it was a good thing we didn’t publish those photos.”

“Yeah,” added the paparazzo from New York, also busy taking pictures. “Having a heart really does pay off, because now those man crush pictures, along with these man crush pictures are going to make us a fortune.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Demi Divorces Ashton Over His Love Affair with…Twitter?! Ashton Responds Via Twitter

Hollywood, California –

According to divorce papers filed by Demi Moore against her husband several years her junior, Ashton Kutcher was having a Twitter love affair. Not with another woman on Twitter, however, but with IT (Information Technology). That is to say with the latest of today’s social networking and microblogging devices itself.

Not to break with new tradition, however, Ashton Kutcher replied to Demi Moore’s divorce decree allegations via his Twitter account.

“Mr. Kutcher became increasingly emotionally detached,” Demi Moore said at a press conference, as she began reading a copy of her filed court pleadings. “Choosing to spend more time Tweeting his millions of fans than with me.”

Ashton Tweeted: “That’s BS, man. Just wrong. I spent time with – Wait, excuse me. I just got to answer this Tweet.”

Demi Moore cited irreconcilable differences and alienation of affection as the cause for petitioning the court for a divorce.

Ashton Tweeted: “Typical chick move. Obsessed with planning the perfect wedding and the first one’s to file for divorce.”

Reportedly, Demi caught Ashton Tweeting at all times during the day and night.

Ashton Tweeted: “Come on, man. Cut me some slack here. It was only that once. Obama just won the election.”

“He just wouldn’t put it down,” said a desperate Demi Moore, claiming Ashton would Tweet at every opportunity possible.

Ashton Tweeted: “Oh yeah, I remember now. I was supposed to be shaving her hairy mole, lancing her boils and chucking the corns on her feet. EXCUSE MEEE!”

Allegedly, Ashton was caught Tweeting, even while making love to Demi.

Ashton Tweeted: “I guess you could say that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Like as in her Joe Camel 2-packs-a-day cigarette sounding voice.”

“When we were intimate,” Demi Moore said subtlety, as she delicately broached a sensitive subject. “Ashton would rest his BlackBerry on the small of my back.”

Ashton Tweeted: “Yeah, and when I got a Tweet, I said to her, ‘Sorry, honey. I just got to take this booty call.’ LOL.”

Demi Moore claims that she begged her husband to enter rehab, but he refused. Insisting he did not have a problem.

Ashton Tweeted: “Why should I? I’m not the one having trouble embracing the twenty-first century.”

Eventually, as is the case with all troubled relationships, communication between the two all but stopped.

Ashton Tweeted: “Yeah, she removed the batteries from her BlackBerry and started using them in other electronic devices.”

“In the end, he refused to talk to me,” said Demi Moore. “I grew tired of coming home to what had essentially become a big empty house.”

Ashton Tweeted: “That’s not true. I Tweeted her all the time from all over the place: the kitchen, the living room, the bathroom and even the bedroom.”

Demi Moore said she found it difficult to properly express herself in 140 characters or less, as Ashton demanded of her.

“Call me old fashion,” said a tearful Demi Moore. “But I need an occasional handwritten love letter. Something tactile that you can hold in your hands, and clutch to your heart.”

Ashton Tweeted: “Handwritten love letter? Try a clay tablet with hieroglyphics.”

A somber Demi Moore concluded by saying, “I guess social networking and microblogging was the one generation gap we just couldn’t fill.”

Ironically, Ashton simultaneously Tweeted the same thing:

Ashton Tweeted: “I guess social networking and microblogging was the one generation gap we just couldn’t fill.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.