California Tree Huggers Lured Out of Treetops by Promise of Private Screening of ‘Avatar’



"If I would have known I’d end up on a T-shirt,
I would have spent more time planning
my estate than revolutions."®

Arcadia, California --

Faced with a public relation nightmare of having to forcibly dislodge environmental protestors perched treetop in a 100 year-old grove of trees slated for demolition to help clear a nearby catch basin for a dam at the foot of the San Gabriel mountains, police decided to take a different tact. And fight fire with fire instead.

“Our intelligence division informed us that we were dealing with a group of idealistic nonviolent individuals whose civil disobedience and call to action was inspired by the movie ‘Avatar,” said police. “So we thought, ‘Why not use that against them?”

Undercover of dark, police quickly proceeded to setup an outdoor theater at the end of the arroyo complete with a giant plasma TV screen, surround-a-sound vibrating chairs, 3-D glasses, snack bar and a cardboard cutout of ‘Avatar’ director, James Cameron, standing on a red carpet behind a velvet rope entrance taking tickets.

“A similar technique is used in the plains of Africa to lure younger Baboons from their troop to get them to lead tribesman to water in the area,” police explained.

One by one the treetop protesters voluntarily left their perches to get a closer look at what was going on at the end of the arroyo.

Peeking through the grove of trees they vowed never to leave and defend with their lives, the second they saw ‘Avatar’ was playing, the protestors ran pass the James Cameron cutout and took up their seats in the makeshift outdoor theater.

“Yeah, but not before stopping off at the snack bar to pickup an armful of junk food,” said police.

Ironically, most of the protestors were fast asleep before the movie’s opening credits rolled on screen. No doubt physically exhausted by their ordeal.

“Or more likely overtaken by a sugar rush they got by eating all the junk food they pigged out on,” said police.

In the predawn hours, early next morning, police were carrying off the protestors, all still asleep in their arms, to a police van waiting to be driven off to a nearby police station for their processing.

“Later, when they wake up, we’ll book them for trespassing,” said police, as they hung a ‘PLEASE, DO NOT DISTURB’ sign (made out 100% recycled paper) on the backdoor of the police van before driving away.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Mattel cancels “Wall Street Investment Banker Doll”; replaces it with “Che Guevara Socialist Guerilla Marketing Action Figure”

New York, New York

Stocks rose moderately before falling farther on the news that the Mattel toy-manufacturing company is following in the footsteps of billionaire Warren Buffett in restoring faith in turbulent financial markets. Only not by investing a comparatively meager $5 billion dollars but by doing something more substantial: canceling its Christmas line production of its “Wall Street Investment Banker Doll.” Replacing it instead with the “Che Guevara Socialist Guerilla Marketing Action Figure.”

According to Mattel, the decision to cancel the of “Wall Street Investment Banker Doll” and then replace it with “Che” is intended to send a message to the White House that it supports its plan to abandon two principals on which capitalism was founded on: Laissez Faire and Moral Hazard doctrines.

“Long gone is the age of an unregulated free market economy,” said a spokesman for Mattel. “And so too is the is the “Wall Street Investment Banker Doll” whose accessories of a brief case filled with cash, one hundred dollar cigars and Black Berries have come to represent as a role model to our children.”

In striking contrast, the “Che Guevara Socialist Guerilla Marketing Action Figure” comes with the traditional people’s revolutionary Bret (with red star), over romanticized standard issue green combat fatigues, socialist manifesto (in Spanish) and most importantly $700 billion dollars of taxpayers’ bailout money in a camouflaged satchel.

Mattel does not expect “Che” to sell very well among American children during the Charismas season because of ideological differences.

“We’re not talking any economical ideological differences,” said a spokesman for Mattel. “As the $700 billion dollar bailout of Wall Street has put that horse to bed. No. We’re talking religious issues. Mainly, because the children in our test groups displayed guilt over playing with a known atheist come Christmas morning.”

Despite religious differences, Mattel still expects sales of “Che” to outperform those expected with the “Wall Street Investment Doll” come the Charismas season.

“We had to drop it because it thanked with all our test groups just like the stock market,” said a spokesman for Mattel. “Not with the children so much, but with the parents.”

The pixilated digital footage from Mattel’s toy testing facility repeatedly shows parents busting through the laboratory doors, startling and frightening their children, as they grab the “Wall Street Investment Banker Doll” from their children’s hands.

“Often, the parents away the doll’s clothes, dismember its limbs and bite its head off,” said spokesmen for Mattel. “All in front of their children, traumatizing them. All the while, yelling out: ‘Why did you sell me a mortgage you knew I couldn’t afford? Now you want me to give you $700 billion dollars? You bastard!”

Copyright 2008 Robert W. Armijo