Obama Adjusts 2011 NCAA Bracket to Favor East Coast Teams Due to Pending West Coast Nuclear Contamination

Washington, D.C. --

After getting off the phone with the Prime Minister of Japan, Naoto Kan, President Barack Obama immediately called up ESPN advising them that he was adjusting his bracket for the 2011 March Madness NCAA Tournament. Citing shifting weather patterns over the Pacific Ocean, hastening the approaching nuclear death plume off the West Coast headed inland, the president begged ESPN for another interview, but they denied him.

"Listen to me. This is very serious," Obama pleaded on the phone with ESPN. "You can’t hold me responsible for yesterday’s hoop picks. I had no idea how grave the situation was for the West Coast teams."

The President argued that given how West Coast teams rely so heavily on their slam-dunks, he did not think any of the players would be able to win. Let alone survive the impending radioactive death plume.

"Hang time could be a death sentence," said an emotional Obama, as he fell to his knees in the Oval Office.

However, ESPN refused to reconsider the president's request and said his bracket stands as is.

"If Obama wants to change his predictions, he'll have to take it up in an address to the nation," said a spokesman for ESPN.

ESPN also cited that their coverage of all sporting events had been preempted to carry live coverage of the nuclear disaster in Japan and the tracking of the nuclear death plume headed for the United States.

"We maybe sport journalist," said a spokesman for ESPN. "But we're journalists first."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Charlie Sheen’s ‘WINNING!’ Tweets Keeps Japanese Quake/Tsunami Victim Alive

Tokyo, Japan -

"I’m still trapped under the rubble of a 3rd story building, which was once my place of employment," calmly tweets Aki Hayashi, 39, a businessman from an unknown location somewhere in the disaster zone of lwate Prefecture in Northern Japan. That just suffered an 8.9-magantude earthquake and subsequent tsunami on Friday.

While waiting to be rescued, however, Aki passes the time following Charlie Sheen’s Twitter account updated hourly.

"If it wasn’t for Charlie’s inspirational texts," continued tweeting Aki from his entombment. "I’m certain I would have given up on being the first to be rescued long ago."

Aki and his fellow trapped co-workers have even started an office pool, wagering as to who will likely be rescued first among the group based on the celebrity they have chosen to follow on Twitter from their personal hellhole.

"I hate to say it, but the others have no chance," Aki tweeted as the rubble settles, shifting side-to-side and the water level begins to rise. "I will be the first one to be rescued because they have foolishly chosen to follow John Stamos and Rindsay Rohan."

Aki attributes his increased chances of being the first to be extracted from the debris, unlike that of his co-workers, to his keeping heart and choosing someone who is an actual celebrity, or at least is not about to be incarcerated.

"Charlie gives me hope," Aki texts, while holding his cell phone above his head, the water level now up to his chin. "Because he continues to cheat death and elude the authorities at every turn. And he will continue to do so for an indefinite period of time, or at least until I am rescued. That I am certain."

Aki claims that Charlie Sheen is his "Tiger Blood".

"I've never met him," Aki continued texting, spiting out mud and silt from his mouth. "But Charlie Sheen runs through my veins. And if I survive…What am I saying? I mean when I'm the first to be rescued, I will tweet that to him."

Suddenly, Aki gets an incoming text as the water level miraculously drops and a patch of blue sky is unearthed by a rescue worker overhead.

"See what I mean?" Aki says aloud to his co-workers in their adjacent sarcophagus-like chambers. The mud-stained smile on his face lit up by the light and message he reads off his cell phone screen, as a plastic bottle of water is lowered down to him on the end of a rope. "It’s from Charlie Sheen. He says: ‘WINNING!"

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
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Hawaiian Surfer Rides Tsunami All the Way to California Coast

Huntington Beach, California -

At 3:25 a.m. while still under cover of the darkness of predawn hours, Southern Californian authorities were alerted that a Tsunami was on its way. However, the news did not arrive by way media outlets or government officials, but by word of mouth. And in person by a man claming to have surfed on one of the many title waves that hit Hawaii just hours earlier after Japan experienced an 8.9-magnatude earthquake.

"Aloha," said Koa Palani, 24, walking out of the surf onto the shore of Huntington Beach up to a Lifeguard truck, while carrying his surfboard under one arm and holding a lei in the other. "I bring ill tidings. A Tsunami is on its away. You must evacuate the residents of low-lying areas."

Koa Palani then collapsed on the beach unconscious from exhaustion.

Later, during the ride to the hospital, Koa Palani regained consciousness.

"You don’t understand," continued Koa Palani from under an oxygen mask. "I didn’t heed the Tsunami warning and went suffering off the North Shore anyway."

Before he knew it, Koa Palani was swept into the shipping lanes, riding the crest of a Tsunami all the way to the shore of Southern California.

Koa Palani then suddenly sat up in the back of the ambulance, a sense of urgency and concern flooded his eyes as he removed his oxygen mask to speak, "Did you warn the people?"

After receiving assurances that the Tsunami advisory was sent out, Koa Palani collapsed back into the gurney. Then after a few moments he rose up again, resting on his elbows.

"So is that like a Tsunami warning? Or what?" asked a somewhat confused Koa Palani.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.