New Study Reveals Why Tall, Attractive and Hygienic People Get Paid And Get [BLEEP] More Than You Do

By Robert W. Armijo

Previous researchers have proven a bias exists among employers when it comes to hiring, keeping and compensating employees that are taller, attractive and more hygienic than most average height obtaining, plain looking and odor challenged employees.

The presumption, based on a substantial body of previous scientific studies, was that it is simply because they are…well, taller, attractive and more hygienic than the rest of us.

Until now, that is.

“When I see a tall, good looking and well groomed guy walk into my office asking me for a job, the first thing that pops into my head is ‘Oh boy, how much is this going to cost me,” said Vinny Patron, a research participant and CEO of Patron’s Fine Italian Suits for Men (headquartered in New Jersey). “But you know what? It’s always worth it in the end. Whatever it costs me. It’s always worth it.”

By contrast Mr. Vinny Patron says that when an overweight, unattractive and unshaven man walks into his office, asking him for a job, he has the opposite reaction.

“First thing that pops into my head?” Mr. Vinny Patron, asked rhetorically. “‘What? Are you kidding me, pal? You’re gonna’ have to pay me, if you want to work here.”

A careful analysis of the data indicates that employer bias is not solely based on the human sexual response to tall, attractive and more hygienic people, as previous studies concluded, but rather on economic considerations as well.

“You know what the second thing that pops into my head,” continued Mr. Vinny Patron. “When I see a job candidate that is tall, attractive and more hygienic, I says to myself, I says, ‘Is this guy for real, or what? Nobody looks that good. Nobody smells that good. I mean not naturally, anyways. He must be spending a fortune on the gym membership, private trainers, augmentation surgeries, veneers and potpourri.’ Now that [BLEEP] is [BLEEP] expensive. I’m talking the imported stuff. Not this domestic crap they try to pass off to me as potpourri, either. But the good stuff. The best.”

Again, by contrast, Mr. Vinny Patron says he has the opposite reaction when he interviews an overweight, unattractive and unshaven man.

“I says to myself, I says,” said Mr. Vinny Patron. “‘Check this out. Look at how much this guy wants? Yeah right. Are you kidding me? So what? So ah. So you can spend it all on fast-food, pal? Because you’re sure not spending on razors, toothpaste or underarm deodorant. That’s for sure.”

The economic component at the conclusion of the study was a surprise to the researchers, at first. However, they claim it all makes sense now, somehow.

“I always thought my sister, who was voted the homecoming queen, while I had to earn my valedictorian academia status got all the breaks in life simply because of her predisposed genetic propensity to physical aesthetic appeal,” shared Sheryl Seymour, head researcher of the study. “But as it turns out, mom was right all along. All I needed to do was wear a pair of high heel shoes, put on some makeup or simply have shaved my armpits -- Possibly even just plucked my eyebrows. And I could’ve had my sister’s life. I could’ve gotten married. Had a husband. And had some kids by now. Oh my God. I could’ve had kids! Instead, all got this dumb white lab coat, these freakishly looking black framed eyeglasses and those stupid lab rats. I hate lab rats! Why are they always dying on me?!”

Copyright © 2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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