Showing posts with label shit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shit. Show all posts

Bollywood Style ‘Mr. Poo’ Serenades Millions to Stop Taking a Dump…Outside

Perhaps UNICEF Failed to Consider That
There Are Other Public Safety Concerns?
New Delhi, India --

Hoping to create a cultural shift (that’s right, shift) away from the estimated millions of Indians defecating millions of kilos of feces in the streets and use the toilet instead, UNICEF has launched a public service announcement (PSA) campaign that has taken a form like no other. 

To the toe-tapping tunes of ‘Poo2Loo’, a high-production value Bollywood style video featuring an animated ‘Mr. Poo’ and his many, many friends signing and dancing, all encouraging people to use the amenities. 

“We wanted to make it a catchy tune,” said a UNICEF spokesman. “One that would stick in your head just as easily as [BLEEP] that sticks to the bottom of your shoes.”

However, UNICEF may have bit off more than it can chew with ‘Poo2Loo’, judging from the steeply culturally entrenched attitudes of the people on the streets of India. 

Moreover, it is more than tradition that many people of India are hanging on to when it comes to going to the bathroom outside, but surprisingly well rationalized thought behind it all as well. 

Here are just a few of those cogent arguments of those people poo, pooing the UNICEF anti-pooing in public campaign:

The Great Outdoorsman’s Argument 

“I’ll keep dropping a deuce in public. There’s just nothing like taking one outside. All that clean fresh air.” 

“Inside is no place to go number two. Outside I don’t have to smell my own sh*t, just someone else’s.”

“Toilets are too confining. I get claustrophobic and panic. And then I get the runs...I have to run outside to take a poo.”

The Domestic Tranquility Argument

“I could use a toilet. I have one at home. But I choose not to use it. Do you know why? Because, my wife has nagged me much too much about leaving the seat up. So, I started going outside again. We haven’t had an argument since.”

The Utility Argument

“I never used a toilet in my life, so why should I start now? Besides, it’s not a well thought out plan. Think about it. If you went indoors, what would you use to wipe your ass? All the rocks, leaves and small rodents are outside.” 

The Infrastructure Argument

“If we all use toilets, what will we use to fill up our potholes?”

The Family Tradition Argument

“It’s a family tradition to go outside. I’ve crapped outside all my life as did my father and his father and his father before him.”

“When you use a toilet, only one person can take a crap at a time. Outside, however, the whole family can take a poo all at the same time and all together, too. I’m sorry. I’m afraid I’d lose quality time with my family, if any of us started using a toilet.” 

The Natural Law Argument

“UNICEF can’t see the forest through the trees. The way I see it is like this: A bear sh*ts in the woods, so why can’t a man drop a deuce in the crowed streets of New Delhi now and then?” 

The Peer Pressure Argument

“If I didn’t do it, somebody else would -- Oh crap! Somebody just took my favorite street corner.” 

The Slippery Slope Argument

“If they’re successful at stopping us from crapping in the streets. Next thing you know, they’ll have us picking up our dog sh*t too.” 

The Pacifist, Non-Violent Civil Resistance Argument

“I don’t care what this so-called ‘Mr. Poo’ says to do. I always ask myself, ‘What would Gandhi do?’ Would he take a poo in public? And you know what the answer is? 


And do you know how I know? Because, I took a poo with him too. 

That’s right. It was during our fight for independence from Great Britain that many times I squatted down next to Gandhi. You’ve heard of the saying a ‘sit-in’ haven’t you? Well, we invented it. Only back then, we called them sh*t-ins. You guys just cleaned it up. 

You know what? That’s exactly what we need right now: another national poo-poo pride parade. A good old fashion sh*t-in. I know it’s not what ‘Mr. Poo’ would do and that’s why I’m doing it. 

In fact, I’m going to encourage all my family and friends to do it right now. 

We’ll fill up on a hardy meal and march to the capital and show ‘Mr. Poo’ a thing or two. 

We’ll have the biggest sh*t-in he has ever seen…or smelled for that matter.”  

UNICEF openly admits its anti-poo PSA campaign problem maybe a generational one, and that they have to target a younger audience in the long run to archive their public safety goal.

“You might say that this time around, we missed the bowl,” said the UNICEF spokesman.

Copyright © 2008-2014 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Apollo 10’s Space Turd Stored at Area 51

Are You ready for Alien Autopsy "Number 2"?
Las Vegas, Nevada –

As the NASA transcript of the space turd incident aboard the Apollo 10 flight to the moon in 1969 documented, all three astronauts deny they made the unvacuum-packed space

“The incident nearly cost us the dress rehearsal mission to the moon,” said a NASA official.

Upon Apollo 10’s safe return home, NASA quickly confiscated the interstellar poop and questioned the crewmembers extensively while still in quarantine. All to no avail. 

Unable to identify the party responsible (DNA testing still decades away), NASA kept the brown log in cold storage all these years at the Kennedy Space Center at Cape Canaveral, Florida.

“Hoping one day to solve the mystery of the in-flight dump of Apollo 10, finally identifying its owner,” said Fredrick Thompson, a UFO expert.

However, after conducting DNA testing early this year in preparation of releasing the Apollo 10 transcript, NASA quickly removed the scat under armed guard from the Kennedy Space Center -- Though they refused to say where it was being relocated.

“It was moved to a top-secret facility known as Area 51,” claims Thompson. 

Area 51 is located in a remote part of the Nevada desert and troops stationed there are under orders to shoot any trespassers. 

“Which can only mean one thing,” continued Thompson. “We’re dealing with an E.T.E. (extra terrestrial excrement).” 

Thompson believes the out of this world feces is undergoing a series of testing at Area 51 in expectation of confirming that the crewmembers of Apollo 10 were not alone. 

“They must have picked up a galactic gastric hitchhiker along the way,” said Thompson. “Right now, NASA is testing the [BLEEP] out of that little piece of [BLEEP], conducting an alien duce dropping autopsy of their own.”

Copyright © 2008-2013 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Photo Courtesy of:

Scientists Extract Food from Human Feces! It’s ‘Soylent Green’ Allover Again!

What’s for Dinner Tonight?

Tokyo, Japan –

It was the next logical step. After all, in Europe people are eating so-called ‘ice cream’ and on the East Coast of the United States, so-called ‘cheese’. Both of which are made from human breast milk. And even in low earth orbit, right above our heads, the astronauts aboard the International Space Station are drinking ‘water’ recycled from their urine.

“So I thought, ‘Why not meals extracted from solid human excrement?” said Mako Aki, a Japanese scientist on the cutting edge of food engineering (or food reengineering). “Imagine the possibilities. Such a discovery could mean the end of food shortages and human starvation.”

“The real challenge,” says Aki. Of course, after overcoming the initial repulsion to the idea that you are eating human fecal matter, is making the recycled meal that has undergone her patent pending Synthesized Human Intestinal Treatment Technology (S.H.I.T.T.), which makes it not only safe to consume. “Is making it palatable and appealing to the end user as well.”

Because the human bowel movement (BM), after the bacteria, viruses and blood is removed, primarily consists of leftover proteins, carbohydrates, lipids and minerals, the trouble is that BMs tend to all taste the same.

“And let’s face it,” says Aki. “Who likes to eat leftovers anyway?”

So Aki and her fellow Japanese scientists have come up with specially flavored crystals imbedded in already been chewed (ABC) gum that adds spice and diversification to the Future Shock like S.H.I.T.T. menu.

Breaking down enzymes in the upper and lower digestive tracks, the flavor crystals quickly go to work, converting yesterday’s BM into today’s BM and tomorrow’s BM too.

“With the flavor crystals added, S.H.I.T.T. can mimic whatever ethnic or domestic food you desire,” said Aki.

“It changed the Thai food my wife prepared for me the night before for dinner into a delicious Italian dish last night,” said Bruno Johnson, a test subject in America. “I didn’t think she had it in her, but thanks to those flavor crystals, she did. Who knows what she has in her for dinner tonight.”

Mr. Johnson went on to say that he could not remember ever having such a satisfying home cooked meal before, strongly recommending the S.H.I.T.T. flavor crystals’ version of Chinese food.

“You know what they say about Chinese food?” said Mr. Johnson. “That you eat it only to find yourself hungry again an hour later. Well, that’s not a problem anymore. At least not mine away.”

“I use to hate coming home after work just to slave over a hot stove,” said Delores Johnson, also a test subject, as she placed a grocery bag and keys on the kitchen table. “But not anymore. Now I love coming home, knowing tonight’s dinner is just a trip down the hallway away.”

As Mrs. Johnson opens the refrigerator to put away the groceries, she notices she neglected to purchase a few items.

“Darn!” says Mrs. Johnson “I forgot the ice cream and cheese again.”

“Not a problem, honey,” says Mr. Johnson appearing from behind the refrigerator door, dangling a breast pump in the air.

“And what about the water?” says Mrs. Johnson, handing an empty water bottle to her husband.

“Don’t worry, dear,” politely replies Mr. Johnson with a wink as he takes the empty water bottle from her. “I got that covered.”

Mrs. Johnson then walks over to the bathroom carrying a breast pump on her shoulder and a newspaper under her arm, pausing a moment to pulled down the family’s dinner request posted to the door.

“Oh boy…” says Mrs. Johnson as she opens the medicine cabinet running her fingers across a number of relabeled spice bottles now marked: Thai food, Italian food, Mexican food ect. Then pulling out a bottle, she confidently tosses it up in the air and while catching it, says, “Looks like the husband and kids want Chinese tonight…I better get busy.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.