Showing posts with label UFO. Show all posts
Showing posts with label UFO. Show all posts

Apollo 10’s Space Turd Stored at Area 51

Are You ready for Alien Autopsy "Number 2"?
Las Vegas, Nevada –

As the NASA transcript of the space turd incident aboard the Apollo 10 flight to the moon in 1969 documented, all three astronauts deny they made the unvacuum-packed space

“The incident nearly cost us the dress rehearsal mission to the moon,” said a NASA official.

Upon Apollo 10’s safe return home, NASA quickly confiscated the interstellar poop and questioned the crewmembers extensively while still in quarantine. All to no avail. 

Unable to identify the party responsible (DNA testing still decades away), NASA kept the brown log in cold storage all these years at the Kennedy Space Center at Cape Canaveral, Florida.

“Hoping one day to solve the mystery of the in-flight dump of Apollo 10, finally identifying its owner,” said Fredrick Thompson, a UFO expert.

However, after conducting DNA testing early this year in preparation of releasing the Apollo 10 transcript, NASA quickly removed the scat under armed guard from the Kennedy Space Center -- Though they refused to say where it was being relocated.

“It was moved to a top-secret facility known as Area 51,” claims Thompson. 

Area 51 is located in a remote part of the Nevada desert and troops stationed there are under orders to shoot any trespassers. 

“Which can only mean one thing,” continued Thompson. “We’re dealing with an E.T.E. (extra terrestrial excrement).” 

Thompson believes the out of this world feces is undergoing a series of testing at Area 51 in expectation of confirming that the crewmembers of Apollo 10 were not alone. 

“They must have picked up a galactic gastric hitchhiker along the way,” said Thompson. “Right now, NASA is testing the [BLEEP] out of that little piece of [BLEEP], conducting an alien duce dropping autopsy of their own.”

Copyright © 2008-2013 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

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UFO Spotted Over Mercury?

Griffith Park Observatory, Hollywood --

NASA has denied that the image it released last week of a UFO appearing in the background hovering over Mercury during a solar flare is the same one pictured here (photo left). Reportedly, dismissing the photograph of the alleged extraterrestrial vehicle as an anomaly instead, if not an outright fraud.

Moreover, another independent photograph of the same celestial object has recently surfaced, which seems to both confirm and contradict the official story.

Much to the delight of UFO conspiracy theorist, however, it is from a somewhat more controversial source.

“See how the solar flare shoots across the night sky,” said Professor of Astronomy and Physics, Albert Wayne of the Griffith Park Observatory at a press conference. “Looks like an arm in a yellow Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band jacket, doesn’t it?…Or so I was told by my assistant.”

“He was blinded at birth,” explained Professor of Astrophysics, John Henderson, friend and colleague of Professor Wayne. “Sadly, the result of staring into a heating lamp for too long. So I guess you could say, Professor Albert Wayne has always been attracted to bright shining things hanging overhead.”

“As you can see here…Because, I can’t!” said Professor Albert Wayne, continuing with his press conference. “But I’m not bitter. Nope. Not me.”

Professor Henderson approached Professor Wayne, whispering something in his ear.

“What?! That [BLEEP]! She’s ruined me!” yelled Professor Wayne, evidently reacting to the news of the Mercury UFO photo having been switched for the one of Freddie Mercury of the 1980s rock band Queen.

Professor Henderson stepped in to address the press conference.

“Perhaps we should postpone this press conference for another day,” said Prof. Henderson. “Professor Wayne’s assistant quit on him this morning. And she appears to have done so under less than ideal circumstances.”

“No!” yelled out Prof. Wayne. “I want to go on. The show must go on.”

Professor Henderson reluctantly relinquished the press conference back to his colleague and friend.

Professor Wayne slowly lifted his head from the table. His hands fumbling around the surface of it, until he felt some papers to shuffle and straighten. Then holding them out before him, as if to be reading from them, he cleared his voice and continued with his press conference.

“If you will notice, only a solar discharge of a significant size could have jettison enough ions so far reaching into space as to generate a massive Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP) in the process. As you know, such a powerful EMP would not only be strong enough to disable all electronic devices on earth, if it were able to reach it. But even that of the advanced technology of extraterrestrials as well. With its cloaking device disabled, the extraterrestrial spacecraft became visible to us back here on earth,” said Professor Wayne.

In admiration for the sightless astronomer, the audience rose to their feet and began applauding.

Professor Henderson once again rushed to Professor Wayne’s side. Once more he whispered into his colleague and friend’s ear.

“They’re applauding you, Albert,” said Professor Henderson, wiping away a tear.

“Please,” said Prof. Wayne as he quieted down the audience. “Please, allow me to continue...As I was saying, an EMP…An EMP? Let me tell you about EMP’s…”

“Oh no,” said Professor Henderson, throwing his face into his hands. “Here we go again.”

“EMP’s are a lot like cops,” continued Prof. Wayne, once again resuming his self-loathing pose. “There’s never one around when you need ‘em…Where in the hell was my EMP when I needed one? Huh, God? Where?”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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LHC Physicist at CERN Denies Responsibility for “Giant Swirly Thingy” Over Norwegian Sky

Geneva, Switzerland --

“What? We didn’t do it,” said a particle physicist from the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) before he was even asked a question by a small conclave of approaching reporters that tracked him down as he was preparing to leave his home with his family and all of their belongings that could fit into their European style subcompact car. “You know, not all inexplicable astrological phenomena A.K.A. the ‘Giant Swirly Thingy’ can be blamed on the LHC experiment at CERN. Besides, according to ‘String’ theory this was eventually going to happen anyways. It was just a matter of time...Time!”

Then reaching into the back seat of the car, grabbing a book out of the hands of his young daughter, the CERN physicist said to her. “Give me that roadmap.”

“But daddy,” protested the physicist’s daughter. “That’s no roadmap. That’s my ‘Alice in Wonderland’ book.”

“Not where we’re headed honey,” said the CERN physicist as he drove off to an undisclosed location where top ranking government officials, members of the military and his colleagues have been secretly building a microcosmic fleet of trans-dimensional inner space craft, capable of escaping this timeline should the Universe implode into itself; reduced to the size no larger than a snow pea. “It’s a roadmap to the future!”

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Balloon Boy Hoax Planned by Dad Since Son’s Birth?

Fort Collins, Colorado --

Police are seriously entertaining the theory that the Colorado balloon boy hoax was planned since the birth of the child at the center of the windstorm. Birth certificate documentation found at the Heene family residence reveals that several names were considered for the alleged airborne child, all crossed out, which was the first clue for police.

“Millennium Falcon, Cosmos and Yob were among many names that were crossed out on the hospital birth certificate application,” said police.

Home videos sized from the household also seems to support the police theory of a father obsessed with measuring his son’s physical dimensions in preparation for his voyage flight.

Allegedly they show Richard Heene measuring his son several times daily throughout the years.

“We haven’t reviewed all the videos yet,” said police. ”However, of those that we have seen clearly show a father overly concerned with the boy’s weight and height.”

Police say Mr. Heene is recorded on video constantly weighing his son on the bathroom scale, tossing him high in the air and feeding him a special diet rich in whole grains, high protein and low carbohydrates.

“Mr. Heene would even sneak up on the boy and when he wasn’t looking, measured him,” said police. “Even while the boy was asleep, Mr. Heene could be seen on video pulling off the covers and pulling out a measuring tape to size up the boy.”

Police also took into custody the side of a doorway at the family residence where the balloon boy’s height was meticulously recorded several times daily, while cries from the other two boys to be measured as well were virtually ignored.

“Look at me dad! I’m growing too! Measure me! Measure me!” say the boys on the video.

“It all looks harmless enough,” said police. “Until the balloon boy reached the height and weight of an average and a height and weight of 6-year-old boy.”

Police say engraved in the wood just above the last height measurement taken, the day hoax was perpetrated, was a crude drawing of a “flying saucer” and the words written above it: “Time for the Money Shot!”

Fortunately for the balloon boy, his father was not much of an engineer.

“No way that thing was built for a 6-year-old boy,” said police. “A 6-month-old, sure. No problem.”

Police are currently searching for any additional Heene family birth certificates in the hall of record from adjacent counties and states.

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo