Showing posts with label JPL. Show all posts
Showing posts with label JPL. Show all posts

Jesus Christ’s Rate of Ascension into Heaven Estimated by JPL Rocket Scientist

Pasadena, California –

Rocket scientist, Alfred E. Neuman, has been suspended from his position at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) pending a personnel department hearing for having calculated the rate of ascension of Jesus Christ into Heaven on company time and using company equipment.

“If he would have used a slide rule or pocket calculator on his lunch break that would be different,” said a spokesman for JPL, denying Mr. Neuman  was being singled out for his faith. “Instead, he programmed a campus supercomputer to do complex non-scientific related calculations, while on the clock.”

Factoring in all the variables such as the height and weight of Jesus (as a solid not an ectoplasm manifestation), his robe, sandals and compensating for atmospheric conditions of 2,000 years ago, the supercomputer came up with a familiar number: 17 miles per second, which is the acceleration rate a rocket must achieve to escape earth’s gravity.

Neuman has hired a lawyer to represent him in the disciplinary proceedings he faces from his employer, which he considers religious persecution and a test of his faith.

“There’s room for faith in the scientific mind,” said Neuman.

However, Neuman has drawn criticism rather than support from the religious as well as the scientific community. Both for his unauthorized undertaking of calculating the rate of ascension of Jesus into Heaven and for the errors in his data point entries.

“According to the Gospel,” said Father Juan Gomez. “Jesus didn’t have a running start, taking a leap of faith into the air like some Superman character as Mr. Neuman assumed.”

Father Gomez also questions anyone’s faith that has to be confirmed by a slide rule or supercomputer.

“Without the inertia generated by Jesus running and jumping, acting as additional propulsion,” said a JPL colleague of Neuman. “It is doubtful the Son of God ascended to Heaven as calculated.”

More likely Jesus made it to a low stationary earth orbit instead.

“Yeah,” Neuman replied. “But technically he’s still circling up there somewhere above our heads, right?”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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NASA Meets with Toyota at JPL to Tap Problem for Possible New Propulsion System for Space Probes

Pasadena, California --

Hoping to tap Toyota’s acceleration problem for a possible new propulsion system for the space probe program, engineers from NASA met with Toyota at the Jet Prolusion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena, California today to discuss a solution to both their problems.

“We’re hoping for a win-win situation,” said James Hawthorne, Chief Engineer at JPL. “One in which through the exchange of technology, our space probes will be increase their acceleration rate exponentially and the Toyotas will be able to safely decelerate their vehicles.”

Currently, NASA engineers are conducting preliminary experiments in which they have replaced the engines on their Delta rockets with Toyota’s run away engines.

“The damn things worked!” said Mr. Hawthorne after a successful probe lunch. “The only problem is we still haven’t figured out how to shut the damn things off.”

After the JPL probe retrofitted with Toyota engines obtained a low earth orbit, NASA engineers’ celebratory mood quickly soured as they realized the probes’ engines could not be slowed, or shut down.

As JPL probe careened out of control, headed on a collision course with the International Space Station (ISS), Toyota engineers from Japan stopped taking pictures and bowed their heads in shame.

Once NASA and JPL engineers all took unsuccessful turns behind the wheel of the mockup command module [an exact replica of a Toyota 2009 Camry Sedan] of the space probe to veer it off its destructive path with the ISS, the final decision came to execute the self-destruct option.

“Unfortunately that feature on the Toyotas we purchased did not come with the standard package,” explained Mr. Hawthorne. “Due to budget cuts, NASA just couldn’t afford it.”

As the Toyota engineers from Japan consulted among themselves, drinking Sake, toasting one of their own that emerged from among the center of them wearing a white robe, rising sun headband and samurai sword, the American engineers from NASA and JPL quietly looked on.

To shouts of Bonsai! Bonsai! Bonsai! The brave engineer from a small village an hours drive outside the Tokyo prefecture proper got behind the wheel of the probe mockup command module/Toyota 2009 Camry Sedan as he attempted redirected the run away probe off its collision course with the ISS.

Advice on how to stop the run away probe was shouted out from every white coat, black frame eyeglass and pocket protector-wearing engineer at JPL.

“Put it neutral!” shouted one NASA engineer.

“Turn off the ignition!” yelled out another from Toyota.

“No, ” screamed still another from JPL. “Apply equal amounts of pressure on both the accelerator and brake at the same time. Just like we do here in California when we come to a stop sign.”

However, for all the leaned knowledge and efforts of his colleagues, the Toyota engineer from Japan could not hear a word shouted out above the din of the roaring uncontrollable engine as he sat helplessly behind the wheel of the car. Finally, in an absolute moment of desperation, he dialed 911.

“Hello, this is 911,” said a soothing calm voice of a female operator over his cell phone headset. “What’s the nature of your emergency?”

“I’m trapped behind the wheel of a run away mockup Toyota headed on a collision course with the ISS,” said the Toyota engineer from Japan, his rising sun headband partially covering one eye like a pirate’s eye patch, as he struggled to maintain physical control of the vehicle, which now broke free of its moorings. And despite not having wheels, vibrated about the laboratory floor causing the engineers to flee in all directions, taking cover under tables, jumping on desks and copy machines.

“I’m sorry, did you say a Toyota?” asked the composed 911 operator.

“Yes, a Toyota,” came the reply from the driver as he swerved, barely avoiding a coffee vending machine.

“Let me put you on with my supervisor,” said the still tranquil 911 operator. “He can best advise you on your situation.”

“Okay,” said the driver as he took out a laboratory table with Bunsen burners and beakers.

“Officer Martinez, here,” came a commanding male voice over the phone. “How may I be of assistance?”

“Myyy Toyotaaa…won’t stoppp,” replied the driver with a jittery voice, due to increased vibration of the car. “Pleaseee…helppp meee.”

“I know you’re in a life threatening situation,” quickly acknowledge Officer Martinez, instantly gaining creditability with the distraught driver. “But I need you to remain calm, okay?”

“Okkkay,” said the Japanese driver as he took out a copy machine.

“Now,” said the police officer, opening up a field manual, preparing to give out detailed instructions to the driver. “Have you tried putting the car in neutral?”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo