Showing posts with label midterm elections 2010. Show all posts
Showing posts with label midterm elections 2010. Show all posts

John Boehner Calling Obama “Lip [Service] Gate” Reason Enough to Hold Congressional Hearings -- Possible Impeachment Proceedings Begin?

"What? Me worry? I'll
compromise my way out
of this one, like always.
But what about you?"
Washington, D.C. --

Speaking as the incoming Speaker of the House and on behalf of his fellow Republicans and Blue Dog Democrats, John Boehner stood before a press conference today. Crying out for a Congressional Hearing into what he is calling “Lip Gate” to investigate how Barack Obama received an injury requiring 12 stitches to his lip during a basketball game last Friday. Even demanding that he voluntarily steps down now or face impeachment proceeding to force him from the Office as the duly elected President of the United States of America.

“I want to assure the country that this Congressional Hearing will be conducted in accordance with the rule of law and will not be turned into a witch hunt for personal or political party gain,” said Boehner.

However, used for the purpose for which it was intended, as a legitimate probe into a possible impeachment proceeding, according to Boehner.

“After all," Boehner continued. "It’s important for the American people to know in a time of crisis such as this when their leader suffers a life threatening injury, under what can only be described as suspicious circumstances at best, that we politicians know when its time to put away petty partisanship. And stand united behind their president. Therefore, I am demanding that since Obama is not a U.S. citizen but a Kenyan, that the Department of Justice charges the alleged assailant with assault on a foreign dignitary. And do so without delay. Let us not forget that we are a nation of laws, not just men. And justice delayed, is justice denied.”

Boehner then expressed concern over the president’s state of mental health, suggesting the injuries were more extensive then first reported.

“You know, in order to get 12 stitches, Obama must have sustained a tremendous amount for blunt force trauma to his head,” said Boehner. “Enough even to generate a concussion, I bet. Therefore, I have also asked the Surgeon General to declare Obama unfit to serve in office, pending a full medical examination of the president to assure the nation that he’s still physically and mentally capable of leading our Republic.”

Meanwhile, in a totally unrelated issue, while awaiting action on behalf of the Department of Justice and the office of the Surgeon General, Boehner managed to reinstate the ‘Death Panel’ provision back into the ‘Obama Health-Care’ legislation, during a rare midnight emergency secession of the so-called lame duck Congress.

“Death Panel’ is such an awful sounding phrase to describe a ‘Death Panel’ here folks,” said Boehner into the Congressional record. “So what do you say we use a more euphemistic term instead. Something more upbeat like, ‘Health Insurance Medical Review and Final Appeals Board’, okay?”

Boehner then concluded his second press conference as incoming Speaker of the House in which he managed not to shed a tear, although he did seem to be getting a little verklempt toward the end.

“I, umm,” said Boehner hesitating for a moment, sniffling overheard between pregnant pauses. “I, umm, want to…thank…y’all for coming today. That’s all. I just wanted to say…thanks.”

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Surgeon General Issues Warning to Rand Paul Supporters Against Head Stomping Political Opponents

“Get off my head, you [BLEEP]!”
 Lexington, Kentucky --

“Extreme caution should be exercised when engaged in the activity of head stomping a political opponent, as it may lead to the unintended consequences of injury to the vertebra or spinal column of the one doing the stomping,” said the Surgeon General at a press conference today, addressing an unfortunate incident at a Rand Paul political rally this weekend involving one of his supporters and a protestor.

According to Rand Paul’s people, in the so-called incident, the “outside agitator” from threw herself to the ground directly in the path of a Rand Paul supporter who reacted by stomping his feet.

“Both were locked in a game of chicken,” said an eyewitness. “She dared him to step on her head. And he warned her to move it, or he would. She didn’t. So he did.”

As the perpetrator stomped his way around Rand Paul’s SUV, he encountered the agitator’s prone body on the ground and proceeded to stomp on her head, injuring his back in the process.

“I never knew I had such a supple spine,” said a somewhat shocked Rand Paul supporter from the back of an ambulance as he was rushed to a hospital. “Or else, I never would have stomped on that woman’s head. Who knew her head was so hard. I just don’t understand.”

Both the perpetrator and the victim must have the following preexisting medical conditions present, according to the Surgeon General as he outlined the possible cause of the spinal injury:

“The victim was obviously inflected with the medical condition known as: Difficilis Oris or hardheadeditus,” said the Surgeon General. “And the perpetrator with the medical condition called: Infirmus Rursus or yellowbellyitus.”

Until further medical tests can be conducted on Rand Paul’s supporters and alike, the Surgeon General strongly recommended that both be kept a safe distance apart from the other.

“Or they risk further injury to their respective political causes,” said the Surgeon General. “Because, at this point. It’s hard to take either one very serious.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo