Gov. Mitt Romney: Get Me Big Bird Binder Women Now!

"Where Are My Big Bird Binder Women?!"

Washington, D.C .–

One of then Governor Mitt Romney of Massachusetts staff members has now stepped forward, accusing him of not asking for a binder of women to select a qualified candidate to serve in his administration.  If true, the accusation directly contradicts what he said on national TV during the second presidential debate, damaging his candidacy.

“He didn’t ask for a binder of women,” said the former staff member. “He asked for a binder of big bird women.”

Initially, Gov. Romney’s staff was baffled by the bizarre request.

“We all said, ‘What?!” the former staffer said. 

However, Gov. Romney repeated his request in writing on a Post-It note.

Gov. Romney’s staff immediately began working on putting together a binder of big bird women. 

“We made calls to the local chapter of the National Audubon Society and a paper mill,” said the ex-staffer.

Despite their calls, the staff got nowhere.

“They just kept hanging up on us,” said the former staffer.

Finally, someone got an idea.

“We got a list of qualified female candidates from the U.S. Women’s Chamber of Commerce,” said the former staffer. “And ordered a binder from the printer in bright canary yellow.” 

When the staff presented the yellow binder titled “Binder of Big Bird Women” to the governor, he opened it up and with his eyes closed, randomly picked out a name with his index finger.

“There,” reportedly said Gov. Romney, peeking through one eye. “Hire her. She looks qualified.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Big Bird Gets Medal of Honor for Distracting Nation from Final Results of First Presidential Debate 2016

Sesame Street –

In a secret ceremony held in the alleys and byways of Sesame Street, President Barack Obama issued our nation’s highest civilian honor to Big Bird.

It was for helping to distract the nation from his loss to presidential candidate, Mitt Romney back in 2012 

Critics accuse the president of abusing the powers of his office by posthumously bestowing such a prestigious award onto an undeserving persona, whether real or a fictional composite.

“The recent release of the under eight percent (-8%) unemployment figures by the Labor Dept. deserves just as much credit for distracting the nation for his loss in Colorado as Big Bird,” said a critic. 

Nevertheless, President Obama mounted a ladder with Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog looking on. 

As he bestowed our nation’s highest honor onto Big Bird neck, Miss Piggy was observed elbowing Kermit and overheard saying to him:

“Why don’t you surprise me and bring one of those home to me someday?" said Miss Piggy. “What do you say, huh? What’s the matter, frog? Cat got your tongue?”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Mitt Romney’s Really, Really Bad Big Bird Joke #5

Q: You know why Big Bird never joined the NBA, despite being over eight feet tall?

A: Because instead of trying to make a basket, he kept trying to make a birdie.






Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Photo Courtesy of: 
wpclipart,com

Mitt Romney’s Really, Really Bad Big Bird Joke #4

Q: You know why Big Bird never joined the NBA, despite being over eight feet tall?






A: Because he likes traveling...south for the winter.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Photo Courtesy of:

wpclipart.com

Mitt Romney’s Really, Really Bad Big Bird Joke #3

Q: You know why Big Bird ingests all his food intravenously?






A: Because he doesn’t like to swallow.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Photo Courtesy of:

wpclipart.com

Mitt Romney’s Really, Really Bad Big Bird Joke #2

Q: You know why Big Bird never joined the NBA, despite being over eight feet tall?






A: Because during halftime he kept nesting in the basketball nets.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Photo Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

Dr. Phil Blames 40 Years of Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster for Kid Obesity

Burbank, California --

"You do realize that some critics hold you solely responsible for the current epidemic of obesity in American children today," said Dr. Phil as he spoke with Sesame Street's 'Cookie Monster'. "Now I wouldn't go that far as to blame just you. Diet and heredity has a lot to do with kids gaining weight, too. But, and that's a big but, no pun intended, I do hold your eating disorder and obsession with cookies in particular partially responsible. After all you have been on TV for 40 years influencing and shaping young minds."

Dr. Phil then went on to show a montage of video footage of The Cookie Monster eating cookies throughout the years, while on Sesame Street. Including a few PSA spots the Cookie Monster did trying to reverse the negative impact he had on children’s diets and improve his own health as well. That is before he fell off the wagon. Returning to his eating disorder and obsession with cookies.

Dr. Phil then paused the video.

“Now here is what I’m talking about when I say eating disorder,” said Dr. Phil. “You’re not even eating those cookies, you’re just wolfing those suckers down your throat. In fact, most of them are not even being eaten. They’re just ending up as crumbs on the floor. Yet you continue to eat like there is no tomorrow. And guess what today is? Tomorrow. And yesterday is over. I’m going to help you Cookie Monster. I’m going help you from you.”

Dr. Phil then handed the Cookie Monster a copy of his latest diet book, “How to Stop Your Inner Child from Raiding the Cookie Jar”.

“For me?” said the Cookie Monster, as he held it in front of him examining it closely. “No one ever gave book to Cookie Monster, only cookies and letters from alphabet. Never words all together in book.”

“Yes,” said Dr. Phil. “It's all for you.”

“Too bad Cookie Monster never learned how to read in over 40 years on show,” said the Cookie Monster as he began to sniff the book. “Otherwise, Cookie Monster would sit down in front of fireplace and snuggle up with book, instead of just milk and cookies.”

“My God,” said Dr. Phil. “You mean to say you’re illiterate too?”

“What mean the word you say, 'illiterate?” asked the Cookie Monster as he began to rip the pages out of the book and eat them.

“Never mind that,” said Dr. Phil as he reached over trying to take away the book from the Cookie Monster. “Stop eating my book. You stupid beast!”

“You just like the rest on Sesame Street,” said the Cookie Monster, while continuing to eat pages from Dr. Phil’s diet book. “They never teach Cookie Monster how to read. That make Cookie Monster nervous. And when Cookie Monster gets nervous. Cookie Monster needs to eat cookies!”

As Dr. Phil got up to chase the Cookie Monster around the studio, the Cookie Monster would momentarily pause pointing to signs asking what they meant.

“What that sign say?” asked the Cookie Monster of himself staring at an applause sign. “Cooke Monster don’t know. That make Cookie Monster nervous. So Cookie Monster eat another cookie!”

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Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo