Showing posts with label election 2012. Show all posts
Showing posts with label election 2012. Show all posts

Katy Perry’s Obama Political Slogan 'Forward' Dress Wardrobe Malfunction

Oops, not again.
Washington, D.C. –

While wearing an Obama Forward dress, attempting to reenact the famous iconic cinematic scene where Marilyn Monroe’s white dress suddenly blows upward exposing her legs, Katy Perry experienced a major wardrobe malfunction.

In that movie, The Seven-Year Itch (1955), the blonde bombshell was standing on a subway air vent. As a New York City subterranean commuter train passes underneath her, a gentle gust of wind blows up her dress. 

“For an instant, the mind’s eye swears it sees more than it actually does,” said Katy Perry’s manager. “That’s the effect she was going for.”

“I don’t understand what went wrong,” said a stagehand as he rushed backstage looking for a ladder.  “It all worked fine in rehearsals.”

During those rehearsals, Katy Perry stood on the pre-designated spot above a graded metal mesh with a high-powered turbine stationed below. 

“It simulated the gust of air from a passing subway train,” said the air blower operator. “Enough to lift up her dress a little just like in the movie.”

Only during those rehearsals, Katy Perry had to use a stand in dress made of Egyptian cotton, as the Obama Forward dress made of latex had not yet been delivered to her until the night of the show. 

As Katy Perry put on the latex dress, the air blower operator was told nothing of this. 

“I was told nothing of this,” later said the air blower operator. 

Standing on the iron grate, the air blew upward like in rehearsal. However, this time Katy Perry’s dress did not budge an inch.

“There was enough force generated to blow up her cotton dress that she wore at rehearsals,” said the stagehand now with a ladder in tow. “But it didn’t have the force to lift up the latex dress she was wearing during her live performance.”

Katy Perry not wanting to disappoint her fans signaled the air blower operator to increase the wind speed. 

“I tried to warn her that it would take near hurricane wind speed to lift up that latex dress of hers it was so tight,” said the air blower operator. “I guess she didn’t her me on account of the wind whistling in her ears.”

As the air blower operator increased the wind speed, the giant turbine made a jet engine like swooshing sound.

“The wind blew up her Obama Forward dress alright,” said the stagehand as he positioned the ladder under Katy Perry. “Like a balloon.”

Katy Perry’s latex balloon dress lifted her up into the rafters. 

With her legs dangling from the scuffling, Katy Perry fans below were delighted to look up and see a sight of their sexy Siren like they never seen before. 

“Now sometimes it’s best to settle for what the mind’s eye sees,” said the stagehand as he helped Katy Perry down the ladder, trying not to look up. “And sometimes what you see with your own eyes can blow your mind.”
Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Last on: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire President? Joke #1

Is Anybody Really Ready to Answer
This 3 AM Phone Call?
Unlike the other two presidential debates, although advertised as unfiltered, this last one still seemed rehearsed. 

At times, it even felt as if we were watching an episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. However, instead of Regis Philbin hosting, it was Bob Schieffer.

Q: Gov. Romney, what would you do as president if you got word that the Israeli airforce was on the way to bomb Iran?

A: Bob, I’d like to phone a friend?

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Gov. Mitt Romney: Get Me Big Bird Binder Women Now!

"Where Are My Big Bird Binder Women?!"
Washington, D.C .–

One of then Governor Mitt Romney of Massachusetts staff members has now stepped forward, accusing him of not asking for a binder of women to select a qualified candidate to serve in his administration.  If true, the accusation directly contradicts what he said on national TV during the second presidential debate, damaging his candidacy.

“He didn’t ask for a binder of women,” said the former staff member. “He asked for a binder of big bird women.”

Initially, Gov. Romney’s staff was baffled by the bizarre request.

“We all said, ‘What?!” the former staffer said. 

However, Gov. Romney repeated his request in writing on a Post-It note.

Gov. Romney’s staff immediately began working on putting together a binder of big bird women. 

“We made calls to the local chapter of the National Audubon Society and a paper mill,” said the ex-staffer.

Despite their calls, the staff got nowhere.

“They just kept hanging up on us,” said the former staffer.

Finally, someone got an idea.

“We got a list of qualified female candidates from the U.S. Women’s Chamber of Commerce,” said the former staffer. “And ordered a binder from the printer in bright canary yellow.” 

When the staff presented the yellow binder titled “Binder of Big Bird Women” to the governor, he opened it up and with his eyes closed, randomly picked out a name with his index finger.

“There,” reportedly said Gov. Romney, peeking through one eye. “Hire her. She looks qualified.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obama Sends Singing Telegram to Romney: ♫No More Mr. Nice Guy! No More Mr. Clean!♫

♫No More Mr. Nice Guy! 
No More Mr. Clean!♫
Washington, D.C.  --

On the eve of the second presidential debate, Mitt Romney reportedly received a personal message from President Barack Obama in the form of a singing telegram, delivered to the hotel where his opponent was rehearsing for the upcoming debate. 

“At first, we all thought it was a practical joke,” said a hotel waiter, who witnessed the event while filling up pitchers of ice water.

Mitt Romney was standing behind a podium as a man dressed as a professional boxer, wearing a silken red robe, gloves, shorts and laced up leather ankle boots underneath, walked into the conference room, making everybody laugh.

“Including the man of the hour, Mitt, himself,” said the debate coach. “In fact, I think he laughed the hardiest."

That was until the boxer threw off his robe and began to sing.

Pulling out a harmonica from one of his gloves, the boxer blew a few notes to tune himself up. Nervously clearing his throat, he started to sing. 

♫No More Mr. Nice Guy! No More Mr. Clean!♫

Mitt Romney was so taken aback by the message that he immediately began to hyperventilate. 

Seeing Romney’s reaction to the singing telegram, the Secret Service jumped on the boxer, wrestling him to the ground. 

“But that didn’t stop him from singing,” said the waiter.

As the Secret Service picked up the singing boxer, dragging him out of the room, his head would pop up from the dark suits carrying him out and he would belt out a few more melodious lines.

♫No More Mr. Nice Guy! No More Mr. Clean!♫

Mitt Romney had his head between his knees. 

“Fortunately, someone brought their lunch in a brown paper bag,” said the waiter.

One of Romney’s campaign managers had to presence of mind to grab it, emptying out its contents of a tuna sandwich, apple and box of Juicy-Juice.

“He placed it over Mitt’s mouth, slowing his breathing,” said the waiter. 

That was until the boxer broke free of the Secret Service agents and entered the conference room again.

“This time the boxer jumped up onto a table and sang,” said the waiter.

♫No More Mr. Nice Guy! No More Mr. Clean!♫

“Oh God,” allegedly said Mitt Romney, as he continued to breathe into the brown paper bag. “I’ll be glad when this is all over.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Obama Drinking Red Bull in Preparation for 2nd Presidential Debate?

"Yes, I'd like to Order Another Case of Red Bull."

Washington, D.C. –

Reportedly, President Obama has been preparing for the second round of the presidential debate with Mitt Romney by drinking cases of Red Bull. 

The distinct blue and silver delivery truck has even been sighted at the White House, backed up to the servant’s entrance of the kitchen. 

“They’ve been making deliveries here ever since the president lost the first debate,” confirmed a member of the White House kitchen staff.

Political pundits speculate that the president is responding to the criticism of his own campaign team that he appeared tired, listless and unfocused during the last debate.

“He can’t afford to look like that again without placing his candidacy in serious jeopardy,” said a political pundit. 

Judging by the number of empty Red Bull cans dumped in the White House recycling bin, however, the president may be overdoing it.

“If he drinks that much Red Bull on the night of the debate,” said an ardent energy drink drinker. “He’ll appear too edgy to look presidential.” 

Signs to look for include body twitches, facial ticks, sweating profusely, rapid heart rate and talking too fast.

Meanwhile, over at the Romney camp, it is rumored that they are preparing for Tuesday night’s debate by doing pre-celebratory victory body shots of tequila. 

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

Big Bird Gets Medal of Honor for Distracting Nation from Final Results of First Presidential Debate 2016

Sesame Street –

In a secret ceremony held in the alleys and byways of Sesame Street, President Barack Obama issued our nation’s highest civilian honor to Big Bird.

It was for helping to distract the nation from his loss to presidential candidate, Mitt Romney back in 2012 

Critics accuse the president of abusing the powers of his office by posthumously bestowing such a prestigious award onto an undeserving persona, whether real or a fictional composite.

“The recent release of the under eight percent (-8%) unemployment figures by the Labor Dept. deserves just as much credit for distracting the nation for his loss in Colorado as Big Bird,” said a critic. 

Nevertheless, President Obama mounted a ladder with Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog looking on. 

As he bestowed our nation’s highest honor onto Big Bird neck, Miss Piggy was observed elbowing Kermit and overheard saying to him:

“Why don’t you surprise me and bring one of those home to me someday?" said Miss Piggy. “What do you say, huh? What’s the matter, frog? Cat got your tongue?”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Mitt Romney’s Really, Really Bad Big Bird Joke #5

Q: You know why Big Bird never joined the NBA, despite being over eight feet tall?

A: Because instead of trying to make a basket, he kept trying to make a birdie.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

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Mitt Romney’s Really, Really Bad Big Bird Joke #4

Q: You know why Big Bird never joined the NBA, despite being over eight feet tall?

A: Because he likes traveling...south for the winter.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

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Mitt Romney’s Really, Really Bad Big Bird Joke #3

Q: You know why Big Bird ingests all his food intravenously?

A: Because he doesn’t like to swallow.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

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Mitt Romney’s Really, Really Bad Big Bird Joke #2

Q: You know why Big Bird never joined the NBA, despite being over eight feet tall?

A: Because during halftime he kept nesting in the basketball nets.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

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Mitt Romney’s Really, Really Bad Big Bird Joke #1

Q: You know why Big Bird never joined the NBA, despite being over eight feet tall? 

A: Because every time he got the ball he sat on it, trying to hatch it. 

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

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A Gentleman’s Arrangement: What Obama and Romney Agreed to Leave Out of Their Presidential Debate

Hey, Mitt. You’re Suppose to Keep It Under Your Top Hat.
Aurora, Colorado --

As we all know but what our politicians will not admit to us is that behind closed doors in cigar smoke-filled rooms, the real wheeling and dealing is the place where things really get done. Especially, deals brokered between gentlemen. 

And so such arrangements are made before every Presidential Debate between the candidates as to what not to mention during their debate. This list of taboo topics, subjects or skeletons in the closet is rarely violated. And certainly never made public, until now. 

The gentlemen’s agreement between President Barack H. Obama and Mitt Romney is no exception. What makes it unique, however, is that it has been vetted here in transcript form by, which it purchased for a dollar from some guy wearing a tan trench coat and gray fedora, standing in a darkened alleyway. Enjoy.  

Transcript Begins:

Obama: I won’t mention what you did to your family dog, while on vacation. You know the time you placed him in a cage on top of the roof of your car, driving down the highway at top speed for hundreds of miles. Stopping along the way to wash off the [BLEEP] you scared out of him.

Romney: Thank you very much, Mr. President. And in exchange, I won’t mention you’d like to eat him.

Obama: That’s fair. Fair enough. By the way, how is Fido doing?

Romney: We just recently lost him.

Obama: Oh really. I’m sorry to hear that. How did he go?

Romney: Well, we were booked on a flight here to Colorado, you see. When my wife turned to me while standing in line at the ticket counter and asked me to check in the dog. We were running a little late, so I thought why not  –

Obama: Never mind. Never mind. I don’t what to know. Let’s just move on.

Romney: Okay.

Obama: Now about this gaffe about airplanes.

Romney: What gaffe about airplanes?

Obama: You know the one you made a couple of weeks ago about airplanes not having windows that open. It’s too tempting to pass up. Really, airplanes with windows that open? What won’t you say next?

Romney: What gaffe about airplanes?

Obama: I see...Let’s keep moving on.

Romney: No! Wait a minute. That’s how I just lost, Fido.

Obama: What?

Romney: Yeah, that’s how I lost Fido on the way over here. You see, if airplanes did have windows that could open, I could have opened one up and hung onto Fido’s leash, while he ran along side the plane.  Instead, I had to tie his leash to the --

Obama: I don’t want to hear it. Moving on. Moving on.

Romney: Okay.

Obama: Now what about this speech you made in Jerusalem a couple of months ago when you said Israelis are superior to their Palestinian neighbors?

Romney: It’s true. My son read it in a book about the Middle East. And that’s what it said.

Obama: I see. And what’s the name of this book.

Romney: The Bible.

Obama: Okay. And what will you agree not to bring up about me during the debate in exchange for me not mentioning that?

Romney: How about the last four years of your administration?

Obama: That’s fair. Fair enough.

Transcript Ends

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

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Mitt Romney Shares a Lake Wobegon Moment: “All the Trees Are the Right Height”???

Lake Wobegon, Michigan --

“I love Michigan,” said a nostalgic Mitt Romney as he stood before an audience consisting of members of his former childhood residential state. “Because it’s where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, all the children are above average and all the trees are the right height. I know that about trees because when I was a little boy I spent a lot of time up and inside them.”

In an excerpt from his upcoming memoir titled My Lazy Daze at Lake Wobegon, Michigan, Mitt Romney’s reflects on his childhood, dedicating an entire chapter to his closeness with Mother Nature, fondly reminiscing how all the squirrels in the neighborhood inexplicably followed him around one summer.

“For some odd reason, a few chose to follow me around,” Mitt wrote.

“It was more like a few dozens,” said a former neighbor of Mitt Romney, who asked not to be identified.

“Being so close to Mother Nature and loving the outdoors like I do, what else could you expect?” wrote Mitt. “I didn’t mind. Really I didn’t”

“Oh he minded alright,” continued the neighbor. “The boy was terrified to leave his house.”

Eventually, Mitt’s parents tried of having him inside the house all day. So they threw him outside and told him not to come back until dusk.

As Mitt walked through the neighborhood, the squirrels would gather in the trees above his head, watching and following him closely. Then when their numbers were sufficient, they all ran down the trees and pursued him on the ground.

“You never saw a boy run so fast,” said the neighbor.

Soon the four footed wonders would catch-up to Mitt and surround him.

“They’d gather around me,” wrote Mitt. “And I’d toss them a treat from my pocket and be on my merry way, whistling a tune on my lips.”

“Actually, he’d be kicking and screaming as they dragged him off up into the trees,” said the neighbor.

“However, I admit, a few were persistent little creatures,” Mitt wrote. “So, on occasion, I’d climb up a tree and play with their nuts with them.”

“They’d stuff him down a tree hollow,” said the neighbor. “Their nut cache.”

And there burrowed deep in a tree hollow, the fire department would find Mitt buried up to his neck in squirrel nuts.

“It was a very curious thing to have witnessed,” said Fire Chief, Adam Taylor (ret.), who personally conducted a number of the rescue operations, extracting Mitt from trees that summer.

While the boy was trapped in the tree hollow, effectively immobilized, the squirrels would gather around his head.

"And with little rocks and pebbles in their tiny paws, they would repeatedly strike Mitt in the head," continued Chief Smith. “You know, it was as if they thought his head was a giant coconut or something. And they were trying to open it up.”

Mitt’s parents finally resolved the issue by paying a bounty to any kid on the block who turned in a squirrel pelt.

Later, they paid to have all the trees chopped down too.

“Yup,” Mitt wrote. “Those were the days.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obama Changes ‘Hope and Change’ 2008 Campaign Slogan to ‘New and Improved’ Big Joke for 2012

With a little help from Madison Avenue, President Obama hinted today that he is considering changing his very popular presidential campaign slogan from ‘Hope and Change’ (which helped get him elected in 2008) to ‘New and Improved’, which he hopes will change the chances to get him reelected in 2012.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Mitt Romney’s Only Visible Childhood Friend a Fast-Food Clown? Reason Why Corporations Are People to Him?

Washington, D.C. –

Apparently, as a small child, Mitt Romney had trouble making friends. “Oh, he had friends alright,” said Mitt’s grandfather, Joshua Romney, 99. “The trouble was, only he could see them. Because they were invisible.”

Concerned for the social development of their child, Mitt’s parents would drop him off at a McDonald’s restaurant to play with children there.

“But it wasn’t too long before the manager caught on to what they were doing,” continued Joshua Romney. “He even threatened to call the police, if they didn’t stop.”

Mitt Romney’s parents then made an arrangement with the manager that allowed them to continue, however.

“The manager agreed,” said Joshua Romney. “But they would have to rent the Ronald McDonald clown for the hours Mitt was there.”

Mitt and Ronald became close friends.

The young impressionable boy bonding with the iconic corporate marketing tool.

“Pretty soon, Mitt went there just to talk to Ronald,” said Joshua Romney.

One day, Ronald caught Mitt crying.

“What’s wrong, Mitt?” Ronald asked. “Did some kids bury you in the ball pit again?”

“No,” said Mitt, wiping away tears.

“What then?” Ronald asked again.

“You,” said Mitt.

“Me?” replied Ronald, somewhat shocked. “What do you mean, me?”

“One day you’re gonna leave me,” said Mitt.

“You mean, like your invisible friends?” said Ronald.

"No,” said Mitt. “I mean, like you die.”

“Oh,” replied Ronald.

Ronald sat Mitt down at a table, ordering him some fries and a shake.

“Your parents are reimbursing me for this, right?” Ronald yelled back to Mitt as he stood at the counter, paying for the order.

Mitt nodded yes.

“Listen kid,” said Ronald as he sat down with Mitt's order. “You have grandparents, right? I mean they’re still living, right?”

Mitt nodded yes as he took to the fries and shake.

“Well, one day they’re gonna die,” said Ronald.

Mitt paused a moment.

“What about you?” asked Mitt. “Won’t you die too, one day?”

“No,” said Ronald.

“Why not?” asked Mitt, sucking on his straw.

“Because I’m incorporated,” replied Ronald.

“Incorporated?” Mitt replied.

“Incorporated!” repeated Ronald.

Mitt looked confused.

“Listen, kid,” said Ronald, seeing he was having trouble getting through. “What’s my name?”

“Ronald,” replied Mitt.

“Nope,” said Ronald. “What’s my real name?”

“I…I don’t know,” said Mitt. “What is your real name?”

“I can’t tell you,” said Ronald. “You know why, kid?

Mitt shook his head no.

“Because if I told you my real name,” continued Ronald. “I’d get fired.”

“So you will leave me, one day,” said Mitt with his head down.

“No I won’t,” said Ronald. “Because even if I get fired, quit or even die, I’ll be right back here. Or somebody dressed up like me.”

Suddenly, it was as if a light shined on Mitt’s face.

“I get it,” said Mitt. “Corporations are people too. Except they don’t leave you because they can never die.”

Eventually, Ronald did leave Mitt, however. As he was fired for damaging company equipment when he permanently disfigured his hand, while trying to fetch his car keys out of a deep fryer. Though Mitt hardly even noticed Ronald’s absence.

“Not even when Ronald waved good-bye to him from the back of the ambulance with his bandaged hand,” said Joshua Romney.

Mitt just shrugged his shoulders as kids buried him in the ball pit.

“You see, he knew that his friend Ronald would be back,” explained Joshua Romney.

The very next day a new Ronald showed up.

“Mitt ran up to him to take his hand,” said Joshua Romney.

But he paused a moment before doing so.

“Say,” said Mitt, staring at the new Ronald’s uninjured hands. “Didn’t you, um…never mind.”

Over the years, there would be many more new Ronald McDonalds that would come in and go out of Mitt’s life. Molding it and shaping it along the way.

“But thanks to people like the McDonalds corporation and others like them,” said Joshua Romney. “He never knew the difference. And still doesn’t.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.