Showing posts with label Apple. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Apple. Show all posts

Apple’s iPhones Download Porn Slower than Other Smart Phones!!!

Apple finally admitted that its 6, 6s and SE iPhones were deliberately programmed to slow down in order to avoid a battery drain due to power demands of downloading porn.

“We would have come forward sooner,” said a spokesperson for Apple. “But we really didn’t think anyone would notice.”

“Oh, I noticed,” said an iPhone user. “Just the other day I was in a public restroom at a truck stop trying download porn when my iPhone took forever to download porn.”

According the iPhone user, by the time the pornographic images came on to his screen, the moment had passed and he had to leave his bathroom stall unsatisfied and frustrated.  

“Finally, the images downloaded,” continued the iPhone user. “But by then, I was on the road and had to pull my rigg over to the side of the road, hitting a tinny little car in the process.”

Ironically, the iPhone user struck a Smart Car.  

Photo(s) Courtesy of: Parody Law

Copyright© 2017 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Did You Know Apple’s Wooden iPad Already has a Bug in It?

Yeah, termites!

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo(s) Courtesy of:

Buy a Wooden iPad for Only $180.00?!

Charleston, South Carolina –

Apparently demand for Apple’s iPad has exceeded its supply. To the point of exhausting the traditional material that the very popular electronic device is made of as well. So to close the gap, Apple has resorted to making their popular iPad out of wood.

“We realize it’s a bit unconventional,” said a spokesman for Apple. ”But over the years that’s exactly what our customers have come to expect from us.”

The good news is that Apple has temporally reduced the price of the iPad to $180.00 (one hundred and eighty dollars).

“But that’s only for the wooden model,” said Apple.

The wooden iPad comes with a number of built in whistles and bells that does not come with the tradition ones made of metal and plastic.

“One of which is a survival App,” said Apple.

It allows the wooden iPad to double as a flotation device.

A woman in South Carolina was among the first to unwittingly purchase a wooden iPad, believing it was a scam.

“I thought they ripped me off,” said Maria Gomez, 22, who was surprised to find what she, mistook as a block of wood from a FedEx package containing her Apple purchase. “Just watch out for the splinters.”

Once Gomez realized that she was in fact the new owner of an iPad, she was elated.

“Not only do I use it to balance my check book,” said Gomez. “But the kitchen table too.”

Gomez purchased her new wooden iPad from Apple’s new distribution outlet: out of the trunk of a 1977 Chevy Impala.

“Apple is always innovating,” said the company spokesman.

“I didn’t get the license plate,” said Gomez. “But I think it was British Racing Green.”

“So if you're interested,” said Apple. “Keep an eye out for us. We maybe coming to an empty parking lot near you.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Apple to Latest Lost Prototype: iPhone, Phone Home

Silicon Valley, California –

Equipped with the latest Artificial Intelligence (AI) App, Apple computer engineers believe the iPhone 5 prototype (or i5 as it was fondly nick named by Steve Jobs before he retired) was not lost or misplaced by one of its employees as reported in the media, but that it simply ran away.

“We believe it walked away, actually,” said a spokesman for Apple. “It’s a new feature.”

Apple, however, was able to obtain i5’s web history just before all contact and communication was lost.

“It maybe the best lead we got,” said an Apple engineer.

So far the analyzed data reveals that i5 stumbled upon an article about Steve Jobs retiring from Apple, while browsing the web for automatic updates and free Apps.

“And programmed to seek out its User, should it become separated, i5 set out on its own to find him,” said the company spokesman. “By the way, that’s a new feature too.”

Apple issued a warning that no one other than the i5’s User should attempt to pickup the renegade prototype, as it may attack.

“Just like all sentient beings, i5 has a right to self-defense,” said the company spokesman.

Apparently, i5’s self-defense network is preprogrammed to launch a crippling cyber attack on anyone’s electronic profile on a global scale.

“And yes, that’s a new feature too,” said the company spokesman.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Steve Jobs: iRetire…Pad

Silicon Valley, California –

Sporting his traditional Friday casual wear of stonewashed blue jeans, black turtleneck sweater and clear frame eyeglasses, Apple’s most successful CEO and one of its founders, Steve Jobs took to the stage one more time in a futile attempt to convince his devoted followers that he was retiring.

“I know you’re all accustomed to seeing me standing up here, rolling out yet another Apple product,” Steve Jobs tried to explain to the crowd. Only they did not listen. But instead cheered and yelled with anticipation at being the first to receive the next Apple product.

“They’re all like Pavlovian dogs,” said an Apple critic. “Conditioned to expect another Apple innovation to come down the pipeline whenever they see him take to the stage.”

Noticing that no one was paying attention to what he was saying, Steve Jobs resorted to using one of his innovations to communicate with the audience.

“With everyone using either an iPod, iPhone or iPad device to tell their family and friends that Steve Jobs was about to annunciate the next Apple product,” said a personal assistant to Jobs. “Unfortunately that’s when he decided to instantly send out photos of the new home he bought for his retirement.”

“Virtual retirement homes located in cyberspace?!” yelled out a voice from the crowd, as the rest held back their breath as they all simultaneously received Jobs’ photos.

“What an ingenious way to solve the upcoming Baby Boomer homelessness problem!” came another voice from the boisterous thong.

Slowly the individual whisper, became a collective chant, “i…retire…i…retire…i…retire…”

“Then they made a run for the exits,” continued the personal assistant to Jobs.

Texting along the way to their family and friends instructions to campout in front of an Apple store to purchase Jobs' latest electronic device: the "iRetirement Pad".

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Apple iPads Deployed to Gulf Oil Leak

Silicon Valley, California --

Apple software engineers have just created a new App for the iPad that can help clean up the British Petroleum (BP) oil spill in the Mexican Gulf by converting your iPad into an actual pad, allowing it to soak up oil.

“Once the App is downloaded from our Apple Online App Store and your iPad converted,” said Roger Stewart, a software engineer who heads up Apple’s new Environmental Apps Technical Information Team (EATIT). “Your iPad pad can absorb up to five barrels of oil a day.”

However, Apple strongly recommends the use of thick industrial rubber gloves, a respirator and ‘Dove’ dishwashing liquid detergent to clean off the oil from your iPad pad immediately afterwards, or risk voiding your warrantee.

“That way too, you will avoid contaminating yourself with known cancer causing carcinogens and getting dishwater hands,” said Stewart. “Then simply wring out all the water and hang it out to dry.”

Apple also suggests that you make certain that the batteries are dry before reactivating your iPad.

“By doing so,” said Stewart. “You’ll reduce the risk of electrocution to yourself. And more importantly, shorting out your iPad.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo