Death Rate Among Caracas Traffic Mimes Climbs

Caracas, Venezuela –

Hired to improve automobile operating behavior in what is considered the city with worst driving record in the world, mimes deployed throughout the streets of Caracas, Venezuela have proven effective beyond anyone’s expectations. However, the program has many asking at what cost, as traffic accidents (many fatal) involving mimes rises.

In a touching tribute to their fallen comrades and in an attempt to bring attention to their plight, the Union of Caracas Traffic Mines (UCTM) started reenacting some of the fatal traffic accidents of their members.

As a group of mimes gather on a busy street corner, cars, trucks, buses and motorcycles alike all slow down to watch the silent drama preformed in pantomime.

“With four mimes pretending to be driving in one car,” said Mr. Martinez describing the pantomime, acting as an interpreter. “A fifth mime pretends to be driving along side in another car.”

While a sixth mime, standing on the street corner pantomiming, portrays the fallen UCTM brother.

Suddenly, the two mime cars begin driving erratically, distracted by the doomed sixth mime pantomiming on the corner.

“They collide with each other,” says Mr. Martinez. “And tragically, with our comrade as well.”

Driven to tears, the traffic comes to a dead stop.

“People roll down their windows to cheer, flash their headlights and honk their horns in support,” says Mr. Martinez.

The heart tugging performance ends with the fallen mime fully engaged in his profession right up to the last moments of his life at the time of his death.

“He must have seen the cars coming right at him,” explains Mr. Martinez.

Evidently, the fallen mime was trying to get out of the way of the oncoming traffic, the only way he knew how: by pretending to climb a ladder.

“Jacob’s Ladder,” said Mr. Martinez. “A very difficult maneuver to execute, but professionally fulfilling.”

Mr. Martinez hopes the requiem mark pantomime street performance of his fallen comrade, and others like him, will remind people to pay close attention to what they are doing when they are behind the wheel.

“KEEP…,” pantomimes Mr. Martinez, using his entire body. “YOUR EYES...ON THE ROAD!”


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Holy “Carapture”! Where Did “Carmageddon” Go?

Los Angeles, California –

Police were flooded with 911 calls from angry and concerned citizens reporting their cars as either lost or stolen, as Angelinos awakened early this morning to find the 405 Freeway reopened ahead of schedule.

Some religious leaders have speculated that the cars were taken up to Heaven in a form of Rapture, only for automobiles.

“It could be a case of mistaken identity,” said Rev. Doug Greene. “After all we spend so much time driving around in our cars, God could’ve taken them up instead of us.”

Other theologians believe God is being ironic.

“God is punishing us for our California car culture turned automobile idol worship,” said Roger Hammerhand, Professor of Philosophy at the Divinity School of Our Holy Martyr.

Professor Hammerhand asks all people regardless of their faith to pray.

“Pray he’ll show us mercy,” said Professor Hammerhand. “As he left behind only public transpiration for us to use, and that's a living Hell."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

“Carmageddon” Takes a Detour to the La Brea Tar Pits

Miracle Mile, California –

Like many false prophets that Jesus Christ warned us about in the Bible, today the much media hyped hyperbolae dubbed “Carmageddon” did not materialize. Instead of awaking to bumper to bumper gridlock traffic flooding their side streets, blocking their driveways, however, the posh and well-heeled residents of LA’s Westside were in sharp contrast pleasantly surprised to find their neighborhoods eerily silent and nearly as empty as the closed 405 Freeway itself.

Reporters were at a loss as to where the much anticipated car jam went. Only to later discover that the detour signs setup days in advance announcing alternate routes for commuters to avoid the traffic caused by the closure of the 405 Freeway for the partial demolition of the Mulholland Drive Bridge had all been moved around overnight.

According to eyewitness accounts, a man with a long graybeard, carrying a wood staff and wearing red robe with an orange Caltrans vest over that intercepted the 405 Freeway side street traffic, misdirecting it to La Brea Tar Pits.

“He promised us a faster route through La Brea, if only we believed,” said one 405 Freeway survivor as he was pulled from the tar pits. “I guess, I guess I just didn’t believe hard enough.”

Standing at the edge of the La Brea Tar Pits, the old man waved his staff and parted the tar as if were the Red Sea.

“A gust of wind from Santa Fe then held back the walls of tar as cars drove into the pits,” said a homeless man. “Just as if it was blown from the nostrils of God.”

However, as the graybeard gentleman was arrested by the California Highway Patrol (CHP) for suspected identity theft and operating special effects without a filming permit, the walls of the La Brea Tar Pits suddenly collapsed onto the car caravan below, entombing it there.

“We just don’t know how many were trapped at the bottom of the tar pits when we shut the illegal byway down,” said the CHP. “I guess for them it really was ‘carmageddon’ after all.”

The CHP estimates ten thousand cars drove through the tar pits, making it safely to the other side.

“And shaving at least 15-minutes off their cross-town commute,” said the CHP.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of: http://www.wpclipart.com/travel/US_Road_Signs/regulation/reg_4/reduce_speed_ahead.png.html