Why Did Abercrombie & Fitch Offer ‘Jersey Shore’ Cash Not to Wear Its Clothes?

New York, New York –

Ever since Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino appeared on MTV’s reality TV show, Jersey Shore, wearing Abercrombie & Fitch merchandise, sales among its more affluent fashion conscience gay men clientele has fallen (some say jumped) off a cliff.

At first Abercrombie & Fitch experienced increased sales from having its clothes featured on the popular show, attracting more straight men to their stores than ever.

"However, those sales to straight men as well as those to gay men have since declined," said a company spokesman.

Although not a large segment of the clothing market, statistically speaking gay men do spend more money on clothes and purchase more of them than their counterpart straight men.

“And they don’t hoard them for years either,” said Andrew Marcus, a fashion designer at Abercrombie & Fitch.

Straight men have a tendency to hold on to their clothes longer than gay men, according to the Thrift Store Association of America.

“If it wasn’t for death and divorce,” said a spokesman for the Salvation Army. “We wouldn’t have any men’s clothes at all.”

“I have an uncle who’s straight,” explained Marcus, while positioning a pattern for a pair 1960’s Mod style pinstriped skinny jeans on a cutting table. “He won’t buy a new pair of underwear until the old pair literally disintegrates in the wash.”

As a result of this primarily heterosexual male clothes hoarding phenomena, Abercrombie & Fitch fear that straight men will wear their clothes for so long that they will came back into style again.

“I’ll starve to death!” said Marcus.

Faced with falling sales from both the gay and straight segments of their market share, Abercrombie & Fitch had to do something drastic.

“We were desperate,” confirmed the company spokesman. “So we offered to pay ‘The Situation’ not to wear our clothes, hoping it would get us out of ours.”

Currently, Abercrombie & Fitch are reviewing other reality TV shows, prepared to extend the same offer, hoping to attract gay men to their stores again.

So far, however, Jersey Shore appears to be the only one willing to wear its line of clothing.

"Just my luck," said Marcus.

Meanwhile, Marcus is back at the drawing board, preparing to disembark on a new line of clothes for next spring.

A line so exclusive, he claims, “You’ll need an engraved invitation just to look at them!”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Lady Gaga Honored with New “Steak and Eggs” Breakfast Menu Item at Family Restaurant Chain

Would you like fries with that?

Hollywood, California --


Anticipating that the new Lady Gaga’s Steak and Eggs Breakfast item will rival the success of its Grand Slam, Danny's restaurant in Hollywood is dressing up its waiters and waitresses in flank steak dresses and giant eggs costumes, greeting their elderly patrons as they come through the front door. And take shifts walking the sidewalk, attempting to entice passerby traffic and a new younger clientele into the establishment.

“I lifted the idea right off the page of Lady Gaga’s fashion sense book,” proudly confesses Albert Haze, the Danny's manager who came up with the idea of the Lady Gaga Special, a combining her raw meat dress she wore at the MTV Music Video Awards with her hatching from a giant egg on stage at the Grammy’s, turning it into a culinary delight..

“What the hell is going here!” said Maynard Watson, 87, as he enters the restaurant that he has been coming to since he was in the army in World War II. “Why are you wearing meat? And you there, why are dressed up like a giant chicken egg? Have y-all gone nuts or something?”

As Mr. Watson is gently escorted into the restaurant by a waitress in a flank steak dress and a giant egg he is told that the costumes are apart of a new breakfast menu special that Danny's is promoting and if would like to try it.

“Lady Gaga Special? What in the hell is that?” rhetorically replies Mr. Watson, as he breaks free of his Alice in Wonderland like escorts, without waiting for an explanation walking himself over to his favorite booth. “Just give me a Grand Slam! You godless communists!”

“Of course, the whole thing is a marketing scheme. An attempt at attracting a younger more desirable demographic to our restaurant chain,” explains Mr. Haze.

Mr. Haze and other similar family restaurant chains had tried appealing to the Baby Boomers for years but unsuccessfully so.

“They still see us as some place their moms and dads took them to eat,” Mr. Haze says smiling. “And they’re right, of course. I guess the appeal of Norms skips a generation.”

Danny's like other similar family oriented restaurants so popular across the American landscape after World War II and the prosperous 1950s have noticed an alarming precipitous decline in its elderly consumer base. Due mostly to misplaced car keys, revoked driver licenses and death by natural causes.

“Take Mr. Watson here for an example,” said Mr. Haze as he walks over to Mr. Watson’s booth. “He has been a regular customer here before this place was even Danny's. And way before I was born or even my parents were born. Isn’t that right Mr. Watson?”

“Forget you!” replied Mr. Watson as he hardly looked up from plate, eating his Grand Slam. “And forget your mother too!”

Mr. Haze just smiles kindly and whispers, “He hasn’t been the same since he lost his car keys two years ago.”

Each morning after finishing his Grand Slam breakfast and a visit to the bathroom, Mr. Watson walks out to the Danny's parking lot and sits in his abandoned car looking for his car keys to start up the motor.

“Would you look at that. It’s just like clockwork,” commented Mr. Haze. “He sits out there for about an hour or so before he gives up looking for his keys. Of course, he’ll never find them because his son took them away from him after he lost his divers license a couple of years back. He’s still looking for that too. But fortunately for us, he thinks he misplaced that in his cat’s litter box back at home.”

Finally, Mr. Watson gets out of his car, slams the car door shut in frustration and walks home, which is just down the block.

“I should have had his car towed away years ago,” confides Mr. Haze. “But I just don’t have the heart. Besides he’s a big tipper and the waitresses would kill me if I did.”

So as the Greatest Generation passes on, it is the hope of Danny's restaurant and others like it, that they will be replaced by a new generation: Generation-X.

“If this Lady Gaga Special thing doesn’t workout, I’ll be installing a skateboard ramp in the parking lot next,” said Mr. Haze. “Of course, we’ll have to tow Mr. Watson’s car away to make room.”


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
http://www.wpclipart.com/food/meals/menu_item/Marinated_Beef_Steak_With_Potato_Vegetable_Salad.png

Lady Gaga Almost Cooked to Death at Celebrity Roast Held in Her Honor



Turn me over. I think I’m done on this side.



Hollywood, California –

After Lady Gaga’s appearance in a dress made entirely of raw meat at the MTV Video Music Awards, she immediately headed backstage to a waiting limousine that whisked her away across town to tape a celebrity roast held in her honor to be aired at a later date.

Only, this time, as she graced that stage there with her presence. Still wearing her cut above the rest couture incarnate -- a full metal jacket of Black Angus -- designed by Franc Fernandez to address the audience, she tripped on some tripe that was dangling from her dress. And fell into a large open-air Bar-B-Que pit.

Horrified members of the audience and catering staff rushed to Lady Gaga’s assistance, while others dialed 911.

“She flew right into it. Head over heels,” said Meshach Martinez, a caterer in attendance at the event.

“We couldn’t really get close enough to her to pull her out of the Bar-B-Que pit because of the intensity of the heat,” said a member of the audience that tried to help. But was pushed back by the flames. “Not without loosing all the photos we took with our camera phones of her struggling to get out."

Water was considered as a way to douse out the fire and save Lady Gaga from her Dante’s Inferno. At the last minute, however, it was ruled out.

“That quick thinking may have averted a second tragedy as it was rapidly assessed that the heat generated from the steam would do more harm then the flames,” later said a first responder. “So wisely, Bar-B-Que sauce was applied instead.”

“I know the Bar-B-Que sauce served as a marinade, lightly seasoning and moisturizing Lady Gaga’s dress just enough to prevent it from drying out, sealing in the natural juices,” said. Martinez, as he made the sign of the holy cross. “Acting not only as a tactile tenderizing agent pleasurable on its own but an enhanced gastronomic culinary delight that inhibits many of the free radicals (known carcinogens) that come with the carbonization of meat over an open flame. But still, it was a miracle. Santa [Saint] Gaga was engulfed in charbroiling flames, but they did not consume her. Only her dress.”

“It was no miracle,” explained the EMT that treated Lady Gaga at the scene for liquid smoke inhalation. “Like most people who fall into an open Bar-B-Que pit, their first instinct is to get up and run. Normally that would be the most prudent course of action and one I would recommend. However, not if you happen to be wearing a long evening gown made entirely out of raw meat.”

In which case, it is advisable to duck and roll instead.

“And that’s precisely what Lady Gaga did,” continued the EMT. “She kept rolling from side to side. Depending on how well done she was on that particular side. It’s that action which saved her life.”

Once Lady Gaga realized that it was her outer garment of other animal flesh and not her own carcass that was what was being seared, however, she quickly hopped up onto her feet and walked out of the Bar-B-Que pit on her own power.

“Not even the soles of her feet were burned,” said Martinez. “Another miracle.”

As a small plume of rich smelling hickory smoke hovered above her head, Lady Gaga, from under an oxygen mask, told her attending EMT that remarkably just a week before she had taken a fire walking class at the local Annex, enabling her to tread lightly over white-hot coals unscathed.

“That too,” said the EMT. “Probably contributed to saving her life. But mostly I think it was the flank steak.”

Inspired by the nearly tragic, if not fatal, incident, Lady Gaga then asked for a sketchpad and piece of charcoal to write with.

With her USDA inspected gown still smoldering, she sat down on the back bumper of the ambulance and began wildly drawing out her idea for her next outrageous outfit: a short sleeve jacket made of molten vocalic lava.

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo