Showing posts with label PETA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PETA. Show all posts

Texas Man’s Constant Cravings for Horseflesh Takes Roll in Hay; Now Charged with Sex Crime

“Where’s PETA when you need them?”
Houston, Texas --

A Texas man who allegedly had sex with a mare (a female horse) named Nadia, but could not be charged with anything more than trespassing for a lack of bestiality laws, is now being charged with a nexus case of equine rape, as police have since determined the interspecies copulation was not consensual. 

“Police originally only charged him with trespassing,” said Nadia's owner who secretly installed a security camera in the barn to catch the man in the act. 

After viewing the video of the incident that the owner provided, police, however, quickly changed their minds. 

“Judging from the security tape we have recently obtained, it appears that the sex act with the horse couldn’t have been consensual,” said police. “Because, all throughout the video, the horse can clearly be heard as saying, ‘Nay, nay, nay’.” 

Copyright © 2008-2013 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Yvonne “The Run Away” Cow to Undergo Mad Cow Disease Testing

Hamburg, Germany –

The story of Yvonne “The Run Away” Cow has sadly taken a turn for the worst recently. When shortly after her safe capture by animal rights activists, Germany’s equivalent of the department of agriculture announced today the wayward bovine must be tested for Mad Cow Disease.

Animal rights activists had planned to retire Yvonne to a ranch where she would have spent the rest of her natural life grazing and breeding.

“Not so fast,” said a spokesman for the agriculture department. “We suspect that Yvonne’s bizarre behavior of escaping the slaughterhouse can directly be attributed to her having contracted bovine spongiform encephalopathy or BSE [Mad Cow Disease].”

“That must be it,” said Yvonne’s previous owner, who sold her to the slaughterhouse, after naming her and raising her up since she was a calf. “Why else would she run off into the forest like that when she had a nice slaughterhouse waiting for her?”

Unfortunately, Yvonne will have to be put down (killed) in order to conduct the BSE test properly.

“The good news is if she passes, her meat will be deemed suitable for human, canine and feline consumption,” said the spokesman. “Available for sale to the general public in the meat department and pet food aisle of your local supermarket.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Lady Gaga Almost Cooked to Death at Celebrity Roast Held in Her Honor

Turn me over. I think I’m done on this side.

Hollywood, California –

After Lady Gaga’s appearance in a dress made entirely of raw meat at the MTV Video Music Awards, she immediately headed backstage to a waiting limousine that whisked her away across town to tape a celebrity roast held in her honor to be aired at a later date.

Only, this time, as she graced that stage there with her presence. Still wearing her cut above the rest couture incarnate -- a full metal jacket of Black Angus -- designed by Franc Fernandez to address the audience, she tripped on some tripe that was dangling from her dress. And fell into a large open-air Bar-B-Que pit.

Horrified members of the audience and catering staff rushed to Lady Gaga’s assistance, while others dialed 911.

“She flew right into it. Head over heels,” said Meshach Martinez, a caterer in attendance at the event.

“We couldn’t really get close enough to her to pull her out of the Bar-B-Que pit because of the intensity of the heat,” said a member of the audience that tried to help. But was pushed back by the flames. “Not without loosing all the photos we took with our camera phones of her struggling to get out."

Water was considered as a way to douse out the fire and save Lady Gaga from her Dante’s Inferno. At the last minute, however, it was ruled out.

“That quick thinking may have averted a second tragedy as it was rapidly assessed that the heat generated from the steam would do more harm then the flames,” later said a first responder. “So wisely, Bar-B-Que sauce was applied instead.”

“I know the Bar-B-Que sauce served as a marinade, lightly seasoning and moisturizing Lady Gaga’s dress just enough to prevent it from drying out, sealing in the natural juices,” said. Martinez, as he made the sign of the holy cross. “Acting not only as a tactile tenderizing agent pleasurable on its own but an enhanced gastronomic culinary delight that inhibits many of the free radicals (known carcinogens) that come with the carbonization of meat over an open flame. But still, it was a miracle. Santa [Saint] Gaga was engulfed in charbroiling flames, but they did not consume her. Only her dress.”

“It was no miracle,” explained the EMT that treated Lady Gaga at the scene for liquid smoke inhalation. “Like most people who fall into an open Bar-B-Que pit, their first instinct is to get up and run. Normally that would be the most prudent course of action and one I would recommend. However, not if you happen to be wearing a long evening gown made entirely out of raw meat.”

In which case, it is advisable to duck and roll instead.

“And that’s precisely what Lady Gaga did,” continued the EMT. “She kept rolling from side to side. Depending on how well done she was on that particular side. It’s that action which saved her life.”

Once Lady Gaga realized that it was her outer garment of other animal flesh and not her own carcass that was what was being seared, however, she quickly hopped up onto her feet and walked out of the Bar-B-Que pit on her own power.

“Not even the soles of her feet were burned,” said Martinez. “Another miracle.”

As a small plume of rich smelling hickory smoke hovered above her head, Lady Gaga, from under an oxygen mask, told her attending EMT that remarkably just a week before she had taken a fire walking class at the local Annex, enabling her to tread lightly over white-hot coals unscathed.

“That too,” said the EMT. “Probably contributed to saving her life. But mostly I think it was the flank steak.”

Inspired by the nearly tragic, if not fatal, incident, Lady Gaga then asked for a sketchpad and piece of charcoal to write with.

With her USDA inspected gown still smoldering, she sat down on the back bumper of the ambulance and began wildly drawing out her idea for her next outrageous outfit: a short sleeve jacket made of molten vocalic lava.

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo