Showing posts with label Meat Dress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Meat Dress. Show all posts

Bill Clinton to Lady Gaga: Where’s the Beef?!

Hollywood, California –

Ex-President Bill Clinton had been looking forward to meeting Lady Gaga ever since she announced she would be performing at his belated 65th birthday party and foundation fundraising event at the Hollywood Bowl last Saturday night.

However, friends close to Mr. Clinton say he was disappointed when Lady Gaga came out signing “Happy Birthday Mr. President” to him dressed up somewhat like a modern Marilyn Monroe. Instead of in her shocking raw steak gown she wore at the MTV Music Awards.

“Mr. Clinton recent conversion to vegetarianism hasn’t been going so well,” initially explained a Clinton aide, regarding an incident that occurred between the two backstage.

However, both parties have subsequently denied an incident ever occurred.

According to rumor, however, immediately after the show, Mr. Clinton had an opportunity to meet with Lady Gaga backstage, where he allegedly forcefully took her aside by the arm for a private conversation.

“Why didn’t you wear your meat dress tonight?” asked the ex-president of Lady Gaga with his security detail blocking the view of the couple from the other guests.

“Stop it,” said Lady Gaga. “You’re hurting me.”

“I thought you would be wearing it to night,” Mr. Clinton continued.

“I sent it out to be cleaned,” Lady Gaga sarcastically replied.

“You think that’s funny? If I had a nickel for every time I heard that line,” replied Mr. Clinton as he led Lady Gaga down a corridor into an empty dressing room.

Locking the door behind them, the former president then pinned Lady Gaga up against the wall. Slowly he began sniffing up and down her neck. His security detail standing guard, just outside.

“What are you doing?” asked a frightened Lady Gaga, as she reached down for her one of her dildo high heels, unscrewing one to use as a weapon in her defense.

“I can smell it,” said Mr. Clinton with his eyes closed.

“What?” said Lady Gaga, slowly lifting up her hand with the dildo to strike Bill.

All of a sudden, the Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, broke down the door with her foot and entered the room.

“Whom in the hell do you think you are doing?” yelled the Secretary of State as she dragged the ex-president off Lady Gaga by his ear.

“Nothing, Hilly,” replied Mr. Clinton. “I, I swear.”

“What pickup line did use on you, honey?” asked Mrs. Clinton to Lady Gaga.

But before Lady Gaga could answer, Mrs. Clinton cut her off.

“Don’t tell me,” said Mrs. Clinton, looking at her husband. “Let me guess. The old, ‘Why didn’t you wear that dress tonight?’ line?”

“Something like that,” said Lady Gaga, reattaching the dildo heel to her shoe.

“By the way,” said Mrs. Clinton to Lady Gaga as she exited the room with her husband in tow. “I love your shoes. I got a pair just like them back home.”

“Don’t be mad at me, Hilly,” said Bill from down the hall. “Baby, I was born this way.”

The ex-president’s security detail followed helplessly behind, as the Secretary of State’s security detail waved them off.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:

Lady Gaga Honored with New “Steak and Eggs” Breakfast Menu Item at Family Restaurant Chain

Would you like fries with that?
Hollywood, California --

Anticipating that the new Lady Gaga’s Steak and Eggs Breakfast item will rival the success of its Grand Slam, Danny's restaurant in Hollywood is dressing up its waiters and waitresses in flank steak dresses and giant eggs costumes, greeting their elderly patrons as they come through the front door. And take shifts walking the sidewalk, attempting to entice passerby traffic and a new younger clientele into the establishment.

“I lifted the idea right off the page of Lady Gaga’s fashion sense book,” proudly confesses Albert Haze, the Danny's manager who came up with the idea of the Lady Gaga Special, a combining her raw meat dress she wore at the MTV Music Video Awards with her hatching from a giant egg on stage at the Grammy’s, turning it into a culinary delight..

“What the hell is going here!” said Maynard Watson, 87, as he enters the restaurant that he has been coming to since he was in the army in World War II. “Why are you wearing meat? And you there, why are dressed up like a giant chicken egg? Have y-all gone nuts or something?”

As Mr. Watson is gently escorted into the restaurant by a waitress in a flank steak dress and a giant egg he is told that the costumes are apart of a new breakfast menu special that Danny's is promoting and if would like to try it.

“Lady Gaga Special? What in the hell is that?” rhetorically replies Mr. Watson, as he breaks free of his Alice in Wonderland like escorts, without waiting for an explanation walking himself over to his favorite booth. “Just give me a Grand Slam! You godless communists!”

“Of course, the whole thing is a marketing scheme. An attempt at attracting a younger more desirable demographic to our restaurant chain,” explains Mr. Haze.

Mr. Haze and other similar family restaurant chains had tried appealing to the Baby Boomers for years but unsuccessfully so.

“They still see us as some place their moms and dads took them to eat,” Mr. Haze says smiling. “And they’re right, of course. I guess the appeal of Norms skips a generation.”

Danny's like other similar family oriented restaurants so popular across the American landscape after World War II and the prosperous 1950s have noticed an alarming precipitous decline in its elderly consumer base. Due mostly to misplaced car keys, revoked driver licenses and death by natural causes.

“Take Mr. Watson here for an example,” said Mr. Haze as he walks over to Mr. Watson’s booth. “He has been a regular customer here before this place was even Danny's. And way before I was born or even my parents were born. Isn’t that right Mr. Watson?”

“Forget you!” replied Mr. Watson as he hardly looked up from plate, eating his Grand Slam. “And forget your mother too!”

Mr. Haze just smiles kindly and whispers, “He hasn’t been the same since he lost his car keys two years ago.”

Each morning after finishing his Grand Slam breakfast and a visit to the bathroom, Mr. Watson walks out to the Danny's parking lot and sits in his abandoned car looking for his car keys to start up the motor.

“Would you look at that. It’s just like clockwork,” commented Mr. Haze. “He sits out there for about an hour or so before he gives up looking for his keys. Of course, he’ll never find them because his son took them away from him after he lost his divers license a couple of years back. He’s still looking for that too. But fortunately for us, he thinks he misplaced that in his cat’s litter box back at home.”

Finally, Mr. Watson gets out of his car, slams the car door shut in frustration and walks home, which is just down the block.

“I should have had his car towed away years ago,” confides Mr. Haze. “But I just don’t have the heart. Besides he’s a big tipper and the waitresses would kill me if I did.”

So as the Greatest Generation passes on, it is the hope of Danny's restaurant and others like it, that they will be replaced by a new generation: Generation-X.

“If this Lady Gaga Special thing doesn’t workout, I’ll be installing a skateboard ramp in the parking lot next,” said Mr. Haze. “Of course, we’ll have to tow Mr. Watson’s car away to make room.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:

Lady Gaga Almost Cooked to Death at Celebrity Roast Held in Her Honor

Turn me over. I think I’m done on this side.

Hollywood, California –

After Lady Gaga’s appearance in a dress made entirely of raw meat at the MTV Video Music Awards, she immediately headed backstage to a waiting limousine that whisked her away across town to tape a celebrity roast held in her honor to be aired at a later date.

Only, this time, as she graced that stage there with her presence. Still wearing her cut above the rest couture incarnate -- a full metal jacket of Black Angus -- designed by Franc Fernandez to address the audience, she tripped on some tripe that was dangling from her dress. And fell into a large open-air Bar-B-Que pit.

Horrified members of the audience and catering staff rushed to Lady Gaga’s assistance, while others dialed 911.

“She flew right into it. Head over heels,” said Meshach Martinez, a caterer in attendance at the event.

“We couldn’t really get close enough to her to pull her out of the Bar-B-Que pit because of the intensity of the heat,” said a member of the audience that tried to help. But was pushed back by the flames. “Not without loosing all the photos we took with our camera phones of her struggling to get out."

Water was considered as a way to douse out the fire and save Lady Gaga from her Dante’s Inferno. At the last minute, however, it was ruled out.

“That quick thinking may have averted a second tragedy as it was rapidly assessed that the heat generated from the steam would do more harm then the flames,” later said a first responder. “So wisely, Bar-B-Que sauce was applied instead.”

“I know the Bar-B-Que sauce served as a marinade, lightly seasoning and moisturizing Lady Gaga’s dress just enough to prevent it from drying out, sealing in the natural juices,” said. Martinez, as he made the sign of the holy cross. “Acting not only as a tactile tenderizing agent pleasurable on its own but an enhanced gastronomic culinary delight that inhibits many of the free radicals (known carcinogens) that come with the carbonization of meat over an open flame. But still, it was a miracle. Santa [Saint] Gaga was engulfed in charbroiling flames, but they did not consume her. Only her dress.”

“It was no miracle,” explained the EMT that treated Lady Gaga at the scene for liquid smoke inhalation. “Like most people who fall into an open Bar-B-Que pit, their first instinct is to get up and run. Normally that would be the most prudent course of action and one I would recommend. However, not if you happen to be wearing a long evening gown made entirely out of raw meat.”

In which case, it is advisable to duck and roll instead.

“And that’s precisely what Lady Gaga did,” continued the EMT. “She kept rolling from side to side. Depending on how well done she was on that particular side. It’s that action which saved her life.”

Once Lady Gaga realized that it was her outer garment of other animal flesh and not her own carcass that was what was being seared, however, she quickly hopped up onto her feet and walked out of the Bar-B-Que pit on her own power.

“Not even the soles of her feet were burned,” said Martinez. “Another miracle.”

As a small plume of rich smelling hickory smoke hovered above her head, Lady Gaga, from under an oxygen mask, told her attending EMT that remarkably just a week before she had taken a fire walking class at the local Annex, enabling her to tread lightly over white-hot coals unscathed.

“That too,” said the EMT. “Probably contributed to saving her life. But mostly I think it was the flank steak.”

Inspired by the nearly tragic, if not fatal, incident, Lady Gaga then asked for a sketchpad and piece of charcoal to write with.

With her USDA inspected gown still smoldering, she sat down on the back bumper of the ambulance and began wildly drawing out her idea for her next outrageous outfit: a short sleeve jacket made of molten vocalic lava.

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo